Adrift-Chapter Twenty-One

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LoveandLogic

Refugee
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BABY, WE'RE GOING TO NASHVILLE! 7/2/11 <3
Welcome all to the next road of the journey, and enjoy the delights, of a new twist to the story!

Disclaimer: Fiction. I have nothing witty to say tonight...

Chapter Twenty-One

Pacing back and forth between the door of my apartment to the living room, sucking the life out of a cigarette, my fuse a spark with such a fury that I’m sure could have set the whole complex aflame. Edge was twenty minutes late and I debated whether or not to go to the studio. No, I couldn’t do that. Not with Bono there. For whatever reason Edge gave Olivia my number, I was certain that Edge didn’t want Bono having any part in it.

Was I being too harsh? Edge betrayed me, betrayed Bono, no doubt. He did, however, do me a favor. If not for my meeting with Olivia, the stack of letters on the kitchen table would still be tucked away in a dusty box in the corner of a cluttered closet. They were mine now--just as they should have been all alone.

Upon hearing a knock on the door, I zoomed towards it, swinging the wood frame so fiercely that Edge jumped back a good foot or so.

“Get in here!” I demanded. When he didn’t moved, I hissed, “NOW!”

Shamefully, with his head hung like child who was being grounded, Edge shuffled past me and planted himself in the kitchen. Slamming the door shut, I stormed into the kitchen, leaned against the counter and gave the guitarist the meanest and most serious look possible.

Without even glancing away, I threw a stack of the letters at Edge and they landed at his feet with a thump. He looked down, picked up the bundle and sighed.

“What are those, Edge?” I asked, knowing damn well what they were. I wanted to hear him say it.

“Lettersfrombono…” Mumbling under his breath, Edge rubbed his eyes.

I pretended to not hear him. “What’s that, mumbler?”

He took a deep breath and met my face. “Letters from Bono.”

“That’s right. Now who would give me these letters? I’ll give you a hint, it wasn’t Bono.”

“Jess, please don’t do this.”

Slapping the counter, I raged. “WHO GAVE ME THESE LETTERS EDGE? I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY IT!”

“Calm down, will ya! I don’t know who gave you those letters!”

“Fucking liar! Don’t stand there all innocent! Who gave me these letters, Edge!”

Edge put his hands up to his chest as if to push me away even though we were on the opposite sides of the room. He was very calm, too calm. Or maybe he just came off that way because of my own temper. I couldn’t control it. It’s very rare that I get this angry but when I do…it’s bad. It can’t be stopped until it’s all out of me.

“Jess, please calm down. I don’t know who gave them to you.”

Pissed off beyond all boundaries, I picked up an object, a glass I think, in hands reach and chucked it as hard I could. Edge dodged just in time, the cup colliding into the wall, smashing into a hundred pieces.

Edge, wide eyed and red, yelled towards me. “What the fuck! Are you mad!”

“DON’T LIE TO ME! WHY DID YOU DO IT? WHY?”

“Alright I gave her your fucking number! Can you blame me? Something had to be done! Bono won’t break ties with the woman! He’s using you both! Do you expect me to just sit back and allow him to do that?”

“You don’t know the first thing about it, Edge! I won’t allow Bono to break ties with her! Why are you making him out to be such a monster?!”

Edge stared confusingly. “What the fuck do you mean you won’t allow him to break ties? You WANT him to use you for the rest of your life? Do you want to be the whore forever? You’re insane! You deserve better than him!”

“This is your best friend you’re talking about!” I said, walking up to where he stood and jabbing a finger into his chest.

“You’re right! And I can say whatever I want about him! I’m not covering his ass anymore! I’m sick of the way he’s treating you!”

“What are you talking about?! We love each other!”

Mockingly, he laughed. “LOVE? HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU! IF HE REALLY LOVED YOU HE WOULD DUMP OLIVIA NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAID TO HIM! HE WOULDN’T BE RUNNING OFF TO FRANCE TO HIDE YOUR RELATIONSHIP! YOU’RE BLIND!”

“And you’re a fucking bastard! I HATE YOU!”

As soon as the words came out of my mouth, a wave of remorse washed over me. This was my best friend. This was Edge. He wasn’t some jealous ex-boyfriend or a disapproving brother. Still, I couldn’t prevent my disgruntled feelings towards him. It wasn’t about me and Bono anymore, it was about friendship and cherishing that friendship. Edge crossed the line. He went behind my back.

Oh, but his face! The look on his face pained me like a thousand knives puncturing my heart.

“You can hate me,” Edge said. “I don’t care if you hate me anymore. I don’t care if I hurt your feelings or Bono’s feelings. I’ve had enough of this bullshit! All the sneaking around, all the secrets and the lies. Get hurt, I don’t give a flying fuck! And when he does break your heart again, don’t come crying to me! Because you know what, Jessica, all he wants from you is a good lay!”

That’s it! He did it! Without a second though, my hand smashed onto Edge’s face, striking his right cheek so strengthening that he went tripped backwards, catching himself on the ledge of the kitchen counter. Continuously hitting his chest with the ball of my fists, I began to cry, my turmoil of feelings bubbling, bubbling like a pot of boiling emotions.

“Stop, stop, Jessica!” Edge begged, taking both my wrists in his hands, locking them behind my back. “Stop! I’m sorry!”

“No you’re not! You’re a jerk!” I wept, trying to escape his strong grip. “Why are you doing this?”

“I’m protecting you. I can’t help it!”

“I don’t need your protection! I don’t need anyone! I don’t need you! Fucking bastard! Let go of me! Let me go! You betrayed me! Friends don’t betray frien-”

Hushing me with bewilderment, Edge’s mouth tucked over mine. Taken aback, the counter behind me broke my fall. Spinning around and around, my heart and mind fought over domination. Edge was KISSING ME! I was kissing Edge! Stop, I told myself. Stop this now!

I couldn’t. Weakened by the tenderness of his lips, there was no denying my curiosity. We shared a connection that was hard for me to discover in another human. He understood me, listened to me, saved me from sorrow. Broken hearted six years ago, Edge was there to pick up the pieces. There was love between us. Only now did I realize just how deep that love really was.

Daringly, spreading my lips open, I struggled to find his tongue, yearning to taste the mingle of mint and a uniqueness that could only belong to the guitarist. Edge released my hands but I didn’t move them. The room stood as still as our bodies. Enjoying the moment, I pressed on, a moan escaping from the back of my throat and into the warm mouth that captured mine.

A change of heart overtook the moment. Blue eyes flashed behind my lids, the familiar taste of Bono’s lips scattered throughout my mind. Edge’s kisses were so different from the singers. Although both men were gentle, Bono somehow never failed to set my body on fire. Edge? Edge didn’t do anything for me. My reactions to his physical proposition was purely out of mere wonder, not love. He wasn’t the one I wanted.

Bono, where are you? I need you…

“Edge,” I whispered, pulling away. “I can’t do this.”

Opening his eyes, Edge studied my face and smoothed his knuckles over my cheek. “I had to find out.” He admitted. “I’m sorry, Jess. I just ruined everything between us.”

“Don’t be stupid. You had to find out and…I can’t lie, I’ve always wondered what it would have been like if we had fallen in love.”

Edge’s face scrunched, his eyes hopeful. “And?”

“And…and I don’t love you like that. Ed, I love Bono. And he’s made his fair share of mistakes but so have I. I mean, shit, I just kissed you! Doesn’t that make me just as guilty as him?”

“It wasn’t your fault. I made the move.”

“I didn’t stop you.”

“Should we tell Bono?” He asked, resting his forehead on mine.

I sighed. “I don’t know. We should. It’s only fair.”

“I’ll tell him. You didn’t know I would do it. It was all me.”

“Shut up, Ed. I don’t even know what I’m going to do…”

Edge crossed his brows. "What do you mean?

“Ugh…do you have some free time? I need to talk to someone.”

“I can always find time for you. Come on, sit down.”

Edge took my hand and lead me into the living room to sit on the couch next to him. It was dim in the room from a small lamp on the end table. Bring my legs underneath me, Edge stared at me patiently, his body language hard to appraise. Clearly, he was embarrassed, as was I. It wasn’t in either of our natures to go against obvious morals. Still, better to find out now before things between Bono and I got serious. Or were things already serious?

“She’s a nice girl,” At last I said.

Edge stared up my direction. “Who?”

“Olivia. I was kind of expecting a stuck up, know it all, ditz with more tits than brains. She’s super sweet. And…” My throat stiffened. “She really loves him.”

“Jess,” Cooing, he put an arm around my shoulders. “I’m sorry I did this. I thought I was doing you a favor. Now I see that I made it harder on you. That’s not what I wanted to do. Not at all. I want you to be certain of things. That’s all.”

“Don’t apologize. I was angry. I’m not anymore. You’re right. As usual. I had to see for myself if she was really in love with him. I was kind of hoping that she wasn’t so that way I could tell Bono to throw her aside and I wouldn’t feel any guilt. You should have seen the look on her face, Ed. I’ve never felt so low before.”

“Sweetheart, it’s ok. It’s not like you did it out of spite. You love Bono. I know you do. And I’m very, very jealous of that. I guess that’s why I get so crazy sometimes. He had a great thing and he let it slip away. I never understood how he could just forget you like that.”

“Edge, you’re not seeing. You’re looking but you don’t see! He wrote me more letters than I wrote to him. He’s kept me in his memory all this time. Bono did what he did for a good reason. I mean, yeah, it hurt to go through it but I see it now. It wasn’t about who had the upper hand. He didn’t do it for control. Bono let me live my life. I can’t hate him anymore. If not for him I never would have gone on to college. If not for him I wouldn’t have my photo’s on covers of magazines or an exhibit at one the most famous museums.”

Lacing his fingers through mine, Edge forced me to look into his sea green eyes. “But what did he do for your heart, Jess?”

“I know he let me down. But I can’t keep holding this grudge against him. He’s made up for it.”

“How? I’m serious. He never tells me anything anymore.”

I chuckled. “Bono is very private, Edge. You know that. Believe it or not, Bono has apologized and he’s told me more than once that he would break things off with Olivia. I just…I can’t do that. And what you said earlier, about if he loved me he would do it, doesn’t prove a thing. If I tell him to not break it off with her and he doesn’t, it shows that he respects me.”

“Respects you?” He repeated. “Are you going to wait forever?”

“If I have to I will. If I lose him then I lose him. His happiness is what’s important to me. And if he finds happiness in someone else, then so be it. I can’t control that.”

“So what are you saying exactly? That you’re going to give up after six years of waiting?”

“I’m not giving up. I’m taking it for what it is. The choice is up to him.”

“He will choose you.”

“Will he?” I asked more to myself than to Edge. “I'm not so sure. This is such a cluster fuck.”

“I know, Jess. I’m sorry about everything I said. I didn’t mean any of it.”

“I know you didn’t. Thank you for watching over me, though.”

“What are friends for?” He smiled before hugging me.

Later that night, Bono made a surprise visit around twelve. Luckily I had stashed the letters away under the bed after Edge left. After a wonderful hour of love making, I was safe and secure in the arms of my lover. The poor guy looked tired, his eyes framed with dark circles.

Silently, I debated whether or not to tell Bono about the kiss I shared with his mate earlier. The guilt was eating at me, carving a new stone into the wall of secrets that have been built up over the last four months. Before the band, my life was normal and easy. Now it was a complicated mess of choices, questions and lives and hearts were on the line. What I wanted and what I needed were two different things. Did I need Bono? Or did I want him? Was I really in love or was I trying to make up for lost time?

Nothing was certain anymore...

“You’re quiet tonight,” Bono noticed, eying me through the candlelight. “Is everything alright?”

I lied. “Yes, baby. Everything is fine. Are you ok? You look tired.”

Trying desperately to change the subject, it worked and Bono grunted into my hair. “I am tired. I’ve been in the studio since eight o’ clock! Eight! Can you believe that? My throat is so raw.”

“You should take a break. All of you should. I understand that you want to get this album out but you have to take it easy. Remember what the doctor said, Paul. Too much strain can cause irritation to your throat. Don‘t make me worry about you.”

“I‘m not trying to make you worry, love. It‘s just…I‘m having fun. Being in the studio, singing and writing! It's wonderful! And It’s nice being around the guys again artistically. I’ve been neglecting it for so long that I almost forgot how much our music means to me, Without them I would be a mess.”

Nodding, words faded again into a dark tunnel of abyss. I didn’t want to lose him. He was right here in my arms, finally, after all this time. Letting him go would be mental. To live without his scent, his words, his voice would tear me from the inside-out. A life without his love was no life at all.

Chucking me under the chin, Bono forced my direction towards him. “Are you sure you’re ok? You seem so…distant. You can always talk to me, you know.”

“Babe, I’m fine. I promise. I’m just really tired.”

Sighing, Bono gave in. “Alright. Get some sleep, love. I have to leave at seven tomorrow.”

“Why so early?”

Bono snickered at my whiny reaction. “I’m sorry, darling. It’s hard being away from you, believe me. There isn’t one second that doesn’t go by when I don’t think of you. I promise I will keep Saturday open. We can go see a Broadway show and go out to dinner. What do you think?”

“I think I would rather just spend my time with you here.” Honestly, I answered, kissing him while I spoke. “I like being alone with you. You’re my only salvation from this dizzy world.”

“Mmm, that works for me.”

“I love you.”

Bono smiled. “I love you, too, beautiful. Now get some sleep. I promise I’ll wake you before I leave.”

“You better. I want to keep your face in my dreams.”

Hopefully that wasn't the only place I would see him...

For the next two days I dedicated all my time to reading Bono's letters. I have to admit, I felt guilty. Bono had no clue that his words were in my possession and the more I read them, the more I wondered why he never sent them. His words were indescribably elegant and well-formed.

In the middle of the second bunch, an envelope stuck out amongst the rest. It was large and thick. Inside was a stack of photos from their tour. Pictures of the stage, the crowds, Edge, Adam, Larry and Bono. There had to be at least over fifty different pictures. With tears in my eyes, I opened sticky carefully to the latter carefully, I unfolded the letter. Written in black ink, the date was set at March 23, 1994, only a little over a year after they had left.

My darling Jessica,

I know these letters will never get to you. It kills me to think that you are so down because you haven't heard from me. Please don't feel distressed. My actions have nothing to do with you. It's me. I'm such a mess. Why do I keep writing these knowing that they will never be held in your warm hands, never to be read by your starry eyes? I do it for selfish reasons. Writing you helps me to relieve my heart of all it's pain. In a way, I suppose, my mind tricks the heart into believing that you are still mine, that someday you will be in my arms again. Silly, I know. Arrogant? Beyond reason.

Last night I had a dream, which is very strange for me because I haven't been able to sleep for God knows how long. And in this dream I was running through the snow. I could feel the stress of trying to push myself through the weather. It was dark out, the sky swirled with black and silver. As I'm running, a gust of wind blows me off balance. Instead of getting up, I lay there, in the cold, wet snow and begin to cry. My body was useless, limp.

Then a bright light shines like a stage spotlight to the right of me. Looking over, you appear, dressed in a white, flowing gown. Your skin matched the hue of the snow, your hair reached your back and hung in large, radiant curls of ebony. It was dark, as I mentioned, but you lit up like a light bulb. You wore hardly anything, your dress almost see through, your feet bare. Nevertheless, you showed no signs of being cold.

You walked towards me, picked me up like I weighed close to a feather and flew us to the tree tops. You didn't have wings, but higher and higher and higher we went until the houses and lakes below us became the size of pennies. Once we reached the tree tops, you set me down on my feet. For the rest of the dream, we stood side by side, hand in hand, just gazing over the horizon.

And then I woke up, confused and lost. You felt so real, so physical and I could have sworn that your scent of coconut shampoo lingered on my pillow, almost as if you just left the room. Once realizing that you weren't here, never were here, never would be here, the aching my heart grew ten times as strong. It's not fair, is it my, love, that we, as human beings, have to endure such torture? Just one phone call and I could have you here with me, enjoying the green hills of Dublin. You would like it here. It's a bit like Ohio: quiet, serene, fresh. Though, Dublin has more hills. Ohio is oddly flat.

Well, back to what I was saying. Why don't I ever call you? The phone is always there, taunting me, everyday, pointing and laughing, yelling out "You fool!" Ah, yes, I am a fool. The older I get, the more I realize that I am nothing more than a lost, confused shell of skin and bone. When I'm on stage, I sometimes ask myself how all these girls can see qualities in me that I can't even see in myself. Not to brag, but they worship me. Tears run down their faces if I so much as even glance in their direction. I am nothing, Jessica. I'm simply an average man with a popular job. I am a salesman, selling my songs door to door to strangers, trying to convince them that my songs are who I am. Really what I'm selling is my soul.

You have changed me in such a way. The job of a rock star is to be who people want you to be. I have to be this 'charming, polite, God-like' man. What if I don't want that? What if I just want a normal life, with a normal job and a normal family? Don't get me wrong, I love my life. God has blessed me with talent and a great feel for empathy. Everyday I give a piece of my heart to millions of people. They allow me into their homes, into their ears...into their hearts. And that alone is the greatest gift and any man would be arrogant not to be thankful.

What would you say to me if I told you that I would give it all away just to be with you again? All in all, the only thing I need is you. It used to be that I craved attention. I loved it, fed off it, couldn't live without it. But once I met you, all that changed. No longer did I want to be center of attention. You, one simple girl, made me feel like the only man in the universe. When I talked, you really, truly listened. Not just with your ears but with your heart and with your soul. No one, besides those close to me, have ever took time to actually LISTEN to my dreams, my hopes. I'm a rock star, everything is given to me, what dreams could I have left? People are so blind. Love. I want love. And you gave it to me. I let it go.

Everyday I miss you. Not a second goes by when I don't think of you and your soothing words and even more soothing touch. This is honestly the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Your letters don't say it, but I know you are angry with me. I know you're hurt and it tears me apart to live knowing that I'm the cause of your sadness. Please don't hate me for this. Someday I will explain everything to you. You may never want to see me ever again. Although, it's been over a year and you never stop writing me. I ask myself why. Why do you hold on when I keep letting go? You're stronger than me. That's why.

When the day comes that we do meet again, and I truly believe that fate will be in our favor, and you decide to walk away, I will not hold it against you. You have every right to turn me down, to hate me, to not want anything to do with me. To be honest, I don't mind how you react, just as long as I can touch your face again, to feel you as a woman. My biggest regret is not being there to witness you transform from a teenager into a woman. Just from your words I can tell that you are very independent. I always had a feeling that you would be. I'm so proud that you didn't fall into the pits of greed and power. It's not hard to do in the big, haunting city of New York.

I'm sure you think of me often, and I wish you wouldn't. You need to move on, experience all the wonders of life. I want you to be your age, to go out and party with girlfriends, to stay up until dawn and go on road trips. There is too much in life to passover. You can't keep waiting for me, wasting your life away on something that you can't control. I want you to move on with your life and get your degree and become the best damn photographer that I know you can be. Work hard, Jessica. Work hard to prove to the world that you are someone. If we were to be together, you would never be capable of finding yourself. You would always be under my big fat shadow, the girlfriend who waits tooth and nail backstage for a man who is being grabbed on by millions of strange hands. You don't deserve that kind of life. You're better than that.

I guess this is why I don't send you these letters. You wouldn't shrug off my advice, you would listen to it, live it to the "T," as they say. A part of me, the selfish part of me, doesn't want you to move on, it wants you to carry the hope of us being together again someday. All I can say is, if God brings us together, if God gives us a second chance, I promise you on everything that I am, that I will work my hands to the bone to keep you. I will shed my skin, climb mountains, swim in the deepest waters, just to have you by my side.

I think of you often, even if you don't know it. You are my life. Without you, I am soulless. Without you, I'm just Bono, the singer, the celebrity. Paul Hewson is no more until you are with him, loving him, protecting him...

I miss you. And I love you more and more each passing day.

Yours until the end of the world,

Bono
 
:sad: *sniffles*

That letter killed me dammit.
And :jawdrop: was noooottt expecting that from Edge!! :tsk: ............:lol:

again, beautifully written :applaud:

Bono needs to get a mooovvee on man! haha

:hug:
 
That was another good chapter. But I don't like what Edge did to Jess. That letter was so sweet. Jess would be foolish now to not tell Bono to break it off with Olivia now. Jess can see now that he has always loved her. Looking forward to the next chapter.
 
:ohmy: Dayum, she ripped Edge a new one! :lol:

I'm glad she didn't feel anything when she kissed him :wink:

The letter :sad: :sad: *shakes Jess* CAN'T YOU SEE HE LOVES YOU?!

*calms self* Can't wait for the next one :D
 
My "first" comment got deleted as it was in the "wrong" thread.... :doh: but you totally had me squealing when I read this!!! Of course, I am very disappointed in Jess's choice, tsk tsk... but you wrote it beautifully temptingly (although she is so wrong.... :lol:)

**ducks from Bonogirls throwing Converses at me**
 
My "first" comment got deleted as it was in the "wrong" thread.... :doh: but you totally had me squealing when I read this!!! Of course, I am very disappointed in Jess's choice, tsk tsk... but you wrote it beautifully temptingly (although she is so wrong.... :lol:)

**ducks from Bonogirls throwing Converses at me**

LMAO!!!!! I like my converses too much to throw them at you. :wink:
 
Awww, she felt nothing special with Edge:sad:

It must be so hard to choose between them...:reject: :sexywink:

Another great chapter, I really hope she doesn't tell Bono about Edge though, unless it makes him jealous enough to finally dump Olivia :hmm:
 
Poor Edgie :reject: At least he tried :slant:
But I guess Jessica already has TOO many problems to have an affair with him :lol:

and

The letter was heartbreaking! :sad::sad:


I can't wait until chap 22!! :hyper::hyper::hyper::hyper::hyper:
 
I am nothing, Jessica. I'm simply an average man with a popular job. I am a salesman, selling my songs door to door to strangers, trying to convince them that my songs are who I am. Really what I'm selling is my soul.

And another tearjerker letter!! :sad:

Just to make a little reference to the "real" Bono. Bono is NOT nothing. And I'm sure he must think so, he may not be everything but he is certainly SOMETHING!!:heart::heart::heart:

That was a wonderful chapter, poor Edge:hug: but don't worry, you'll find love in :edge: stories!!

Will hopefully finish it all tonight, now Bono if you really meant what you wrote all those years ago, get down off your holy cloud (Always, U2) and make her YOURS, dammit!! :lol::drool::cute:
 
"Hushing me with bewilderment, Edge’s mouth tucked over mine"

Holy crap! I was not expecting this at all.


And that letter was the sweetest thing...ever...
 
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