shuttlecock XXIV: it's the little swings

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Axver said:
This has been the place for good serious posts lately hasn't it. Solidarity to everyone. :up:

I've been emotionally up and down my whole life. Some periods of sustained satisfaction; some of significant depression - my ridiculous post count is thanks to the Superthread keeping me going in the worst two years through friendship and good company. The constant quality for me is music. Without doing so consciously, the music I listen to soundtracks my emotions very well. If you are ever wondering how I am doing, checking my last.fm might be more revealing than asking me directly.

I've always related to this Steven Wilson quote: "Melancholic music is very uplifting. Why? Because it’s a shared experience." I think that's my approach to music most of the time - what I am listening to helps articulate how I feel and shares in it. It's a way of not being alone. To take another quote, I've always latched on to the lyric from Turnover's song "New Scream" that asks "am I the only one? Is this in all of us?" It's a simple lyric, yet it captures so much of why I listen to metal, punk, and emo. I was in a very dark place in December and early January, and the only solace was to listen to really intense sludge metal, emoviolence, and similar at a loud volume. Now, when I listen to it, I just cannot relate to most of the songs on nearly the same level even though I like them, because I am in a different headspace now. I wish I could express to some musicians just how essential their music has been to creating a sense of fellow-feeling at times when I wondered if I could even step outside or if preparing a meal was worth the bother.

The coma, I must say, is one of the best things that has happened for my mental health. It's surreal really. I had an absolutely punishing work situation beforehand, which I won't detail, but my mental health was completely shattered and I felt utterly hopeless about ever achieving anything meaningful. Recovering from the coma, however, has attainable goals and clear progression - breathing independently, picking up objects, resuming my writing, learning to walk again, flying home to Australia, regaining strength to cook for myself, shopping independently, resuming work on a limited basis (two weeks ago), starting to run a little bit again (this week). And the people at work have been sensational. Besides their readiness to accommodate my resumption of employment on a gradual basis, the things that loomed over me and destroyed my mental health have now been postponed. I will have to tackle them eventually, my career depends upon it, but I now know what I will be up against. I am exploring options to make sure that I can tackle it in a better state of mind and hopefully avoid what happened before the coma.

People are stunned. They say that I look better physically and seem happier now than I did before the coma. I think they expected me to be weak, morose, unhappy, or sickly. I'm invigorated and cheerful; I have things I want to do, places I want to see, people whose company I want to enjoy before I'm eventually taken. And my music is reflecting that. It helps push me on each day. Metric's "Now or Never Now" has been an anthem. Westkust's "Rush" is a new, exhilarating release; the whole album is, but that song is special. Before the coma I sometimes killed conversations with people, no matter how much I liked them, because I figured that if I talked to somebody too much they would grow to dislike me. I kept most people at arm's length, again on the "under no condition should you ever let them know the real you" principle. But I've been touched, almost overcome, by how many people actually seem to prefer me sticking around, and against all of my instincts I've been trying to deepen those bonds and solidify those friendships. One person in particular - a month ago she was an acquaintance I respected but knew poorly, and now she is a friend so close I can scarcely imagine it otherwise.

Anyway, that's some meditations on the value of music combined with a health update. Cheers everyone, this place of course has been so very much to me for years.
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Love you mate. And I'm glad to hear a traumatic experience has given you some perspective as well.
 
Y'all are really inspiring me with these stories. There's so much emotional intelligence on display here. People are understanding why their brains are operating the way they do and using an arsenal of tools to keep themselves as healthy as possible. Y'all are so strong, and you're even finding strength in being vulnerable by telling your stories. This place has long felt like a branch of my family--even more so now. I care about all of you and want you to know, I see you. And I'm here for you, even if that's just by reading these posts.

It feels like many of us are deep in it right now, for whatever reason. My current weeks-long OCD rampage continues, but I'm hoping that my upcoming two-week spring break will be the catalyst that causes it to dissipate and go back into hibernation for awhile. In the meantime, I've got lots of music to lean on. Only in the last few years did I realize that music has always been my safe way of experiencing emotions. Without that context, they are too overwhelming, scary, and out of control. Music gives me access to feelings I wouldn't allow myself to feel otherwise.

Y'all are a part of that. I've been to shows with some of you, and I can honestly say that when it's all said and done, U2 concerts have been some of the most joyful and liberating experiences I've had in this lifetime. Nowhere in the world am I more myself than when I'm singing with the band. What an honor to share that with you guys. Even if we weren't together, I know y'all understand what I mean.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who has shared. My best friend moved away last summer, and I am now easily in my most friendless, workaholic stage of life. It's hard, but this thread has made me feel less alone. Thanks to all of you, and know that I am cheering you on in your journeys.
 
:heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::love:

My psych was applauding me yesterday for my growth; in the past when I had flare-ups I'd just beat myself up but now I recognise my patterns, recognise the cognitive distortions I'm engaging in and recognise that it's linked to a big change I'm undergoing in my life, as has been the case with all previous flare-ups.
 
Emotional intelligence is so incredibly important and is/was a neglected aspect of being a functional and thriving human being. I have a very close friend who, just a year or two ago, had no idea they were depressed or knew how to detect that within themselves, even as they were heading towards a crash. They've sought counseling and are now taking measures to improve their standard of living. You can already see the difference, just in their having access to that part of themselves.

As isolated and lonely as I was for much of my life, I did use that time to reflect on who I am and what I need to thrive. I've come to find that I am at my best when I can help others, create things and engage with the world. I don't like quiet places or long vacations and that's OK up to a point. We all need a break sometimes but when it's protracted I can't stand it. That's part of what made me choose my career path.

The last thing I really need to work on is that, deep down, I don't think I'm a particularly good or useful person. That Bojack Horseman episode where he calls himself a piece of shit for a half hour and then proceeds to act like a piece of shit? That's been me for years and years. I don't think I've felt more ill watching something in my life.

And fuck it, I know exactly what that is. It comes from years of negative self-talk, insecurity and unemployment that I find difficult to walk back. I hate that I'm 28 years old and am at an entry level job within my field and $100,000+ in student debt. I don't feel like I've wasted my twenties by any means, but I wish I could have basically all of undergrad and the last 18 months back. I would do so many things differently. But shit, don't most people feel like that? Time is the most valuable and limited resource we all share with one another. The only thing we can do is make the most of what's left of it. Living in the past is more wasted time thrown on the pile.

I always forget to do it because it's a habit you have to develop, but I need to start actively thinking positive things about myself, the things people tell me but I can't accept. If any of you knew what I do with positive reinforcement that I receive from others, you wouldn't bother. But I do sincerely appreciate that I bring even a little bit to your lives. I have a lot to live for and that is a part of it.
 
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LemonMelon said:
And fuck it, I know exactly what that is. It comes from years of negative self-talk, insecurity and unemployment that I find difficult to walk back. I hate that I'm 28 years old and am at an entry level job within my field and $100,000+ in student debt. I don't feel like I've wasted my twenties by any means, but I wish I could have basically all of undergrad and the last 18 months back. I would do so many things differently. But shit, don't most people feel like that? Time is the most valuable and limited resource we all share with one another. The only thing we can do is make the most of what's left of it. Living in the past is more wasted time thrown on the pile.
Click to expand...

I totally hear you on this. Thankfully I've lived in places where college is free, so I don't have debt to worry about, but I relate with all the rest of what you said.

Weirdly, given how nostalgia works, I felt genuinely happier with each passing decade of my life. My 30s (now closer to ending) were much better than my 20s, which were much better than my teens, when I was pretty miserable and unsure of my place in the world. The main feeling I have about the past is not nostalgia (we have a great noun for it in Portuguese, saudade), but regret of missed opportunities. I cringe when I think of my behavior in college - how much more interesting and liberating it could have been if I weren't as insecure as I was back then.

But seeing that I have become happier over time, I tend to see those missed opportunities as lessons that I probably learned, and I would probably be worse off today if it weren't for them. Most of it has been due to conquering my own insecurities. Moving abroad - or rather, leaving home - was the biggest difference maker for me, as it forced me to think more in terms of identity (something that had never occurred to me before) and being somewhat true to myself. Therapy, which I have now done for over 5 years, has been the other main thing, and it has done wonders for that.

Like many of you, music has been in the background for all these changes. At some point, it became about my identity itself - music as a way of affirming what I am and want to be. This makes it really hard sometimes to connect with my friends who do not have the same relationship to music - for whom music is a pleasant background sound or a way to party. We have great relationships, but I feel like we can't share something that is so crucial for me - which has made me turn to this website all the time for the last 15 years (15! damn).
 
Axver said:
This has been the place for good serious posts lately hasn't it. Solidarity to everyone. :up:

I've been emotionally up and down my whole life. Some periods of sustained satisfaction; some of significant depression - my ridiculous post count is thanks to the Superthread keeping me going in the worst two years through friendship and good company. The constant quality for me is music. Without doing so consciously, the music I listen to soundtracks my emotions very well. If you are ever wondering how I am doing, checking my last.fm might be more revealing than asking me directly.

I've always related to this Steven Wilson quote: "Melancholic music is very uplifting. Why? Because it’s a shared experience." I think that's my approach to music most of the time - what I am listening to helps articulate how I feel and shares in it. It's a way of not being alone. To take another quote, I've always latched on to the lyric from Turnover's song "New Scream" that asks "am I the only one? Is this in all of us?" It's a simple lyric, yet it captures so much of why I listen to metal, punk, and emo. I was in a very dark place in December and early January, and the only solace was to listen to really intense sludge metal, emoviolence, and similar at a loud volume. Now, when I listen to it, I just cannot relate to most of the songs on nearly the same level even though I like them, because I am in a different headspace now. I wish I could express to some musicians just how essential their music has been to creating a sense of fellow-feeling at times when I wondered if I could even step outside or if preparing a meal was worth the bother.

The coma, I must say, is one of the best things that has happened for my mental health. It's surreal really. I had an absolutely punishing work situation beforehand, which I won't detail, but my mental health was completely shattered and I felt utterly hopeless about ever achieving anything meaningful. Recovering from the coma, however, has attainable goals and clear progression - breathing independently, picking up objects, resuming my writing, learning to walk again, flying home to Australia, regaining strength to cook for myself, shopping independently, resuming work on a limited basis (two weeks ago), starting to run a little bit again (this week). And the people at work have been sensational. Besides their readiness to accommodate my resumption of employment on a gradual basis, the things that loomed over me and destroyed my mental health have now been postponed. I will have to tackle them eventually, my career depends upon it, but I now know what I will be up against. I am exploring options to make sure that I can tackle it in a better state of mind and hopefully avoid what happened before the coma.

People are stunned. They say that I look better physically and seem happier now than I did before the coma. I think they expected me to be weak, morose, unhappy, or sickly. I'm invigorated and cheerful; I have things I want to do, places I want to see, people whose company I want to enjoy before I'm eventually taken. And my music is reflecting that. It helps push me on each day. Metric's "Now or Never Now" has been an anthem. Westkust's "Rush" is a new, exhilarating release; the whole album is, but that song is special. Before the coma I sometimes killed conversations with people, no matter how much I liked them, because I figured that if I talked to somebody too much they would grow to dislike me. I kept most people at arm's length, again on the "under no condition should you ever let them know the real you" principle. But I've been touched, almost overcome, by how many people actually seem to prefer me sticking around, and against all of my instincts I've been trying to deepen those bonds and solidify those friendships. One person in particular - a month ago she was an acquaintance I respected but knew poorly, and now she is a friend so close I can scarcely imagine it otherwise.

Anyway, that's some meditations on the value of music combined with a health update. Cheers everyone, this place of course has been so very much to me for years.
Click to expand...
Your near-death experience was much more significant and serious than mine, and I'm thrilled to hear you are doing well. But I think my takeaway was somewhat similar to yours.

I spent much of 2018 getting bogged down in work. My company has increased significantly in size over the last 2-3 years and, as literally the second employee ever at the company, my role and responsibilities have dramatically increased as a still small business has seen its scope altered. In the early fall I had an unpleasant breakup directly as a result of my work schedule. And in October, I finally got to spend some time getting caught up on some big projects. At a work dinner, I commented to someone that I finally felt like maybe I could get to somewhere comfortable at work. And I left that work dinner and got run over by a car.

I do think having to miss significant time from work gave me good perspective in a different sense, where I understood I'll never get that feeling. There is no one thing that will ever have me feeling like I finally solved it at work, like I've made it and can coast. I am devoted to work, only in the sense that my anxiety would be crazy if I worked less than 50-60 hours per week thinking about how people would mistake my discipline for laziness. I think I have gotten better about accepting that there will always be plenty left to do when I head home.

Also, I'm not a huge fan of hit-and-run drivers. The more I learn about them, the more I don't care for them.
 
Rumor was that an announcement could be coming any time now, but I’m guessing they’ll be waiting until the trauma from the shooting is a little less fresh.
 
Jerry Dunk said:
Your near-death experience was much more significant and serious than mine, and I'm thrilled to hear you are doing well. But I think my takeaway was somewhat similar to yours.

I spent much of 2018 getting bogged down in work. My company has increased significantly in size over the last 2-3 years and, as literally the second employee ever at the company, my role and responsibilities have dramatically increased as a still small business has seen its scope altered. In the early fall I had an unpleasant breakup directly as a result of my work schedule. And in October, I finally got to spend some time getting caught up on some big projects. At a work dinner, I commented to someone that I finally felt like maybe I could get to somewhere comfortable at work. And I left that work dinner and got run over by a car.

I do think having to miss significant time from work gave me good perspective in a different sense, where I understood I'll never get that feeling. There is no one thing that will ever have me feeling like I finally solved it at work, like I've made it and can coast. I am devoted to work, only in the sense that my anxiety would be crazy if I worked less than 50-60 hours per week thinking about how people would mistake my discipline for laziness. I think I have gotten better about accepting that there will always be plenty left to do when I head home.

Also, I'm not a huge fan of hit-and-run drivers. The more I learn about them, the more I don't care for them.
Click to expand...

Hope you're now fully recovered mate, or getting there. Sounds like it would not have been easy.

I've had to teach myself to take weekends. Over-work is possibly part of the reason I ended up in such a bad way, mentally and physically.

And likewise I am no fan of mixing pneumonia and asthma. It is an extremely bad cocktail. I still wake up most mornings thinking "holy shit I'm alive".

lazarus said:
Rumor was that an announcement could be coming any time now, but I’m guessing they’ll be waiting until the trauma from the shooting is a little less fresh.
Click to expand...

Yeah at the moment it's all just event cancellations down here, not announcements.
 
Axver said:
Hope you're now fully recovered mate, or getting there. Sounds like it would not have been easy.

I've had to teach myself to take weekends. Over-work is possibly part of the reason I ended up in such a bad way, mentally and physically.

And likewise I am no fan of mixing pneumonia and asthma. It is an extremely bad cocktail. I still wake up most mornings thinking "holy shit I'm alive".



Yeah at the moment it's all just event cancellations down here, not announcements.
Click to expand...
I'm fully recovered, thanks. I am only just now able to start exercising again, but aside from that, I'm a full go.
 
So on Postsecret this morning, someone sent in a post card with a photo of the Edge on it. It reads "I love this band, I hate their fans." Made me kind of sad, especially in light of the supportive posts happening in this thread.
 
They should do a 5th anniversary edition of SOI and put it on everyone's phones with a couple remixes to promote the new tour.
 
40th anniversary of Boy with all the unreleased pre-Boy demos finally on an official release or GTFO.
 
david said:
ATYCLB is turning 20 next year..
Click to expand...

Yep, that makes me feel old.

namkcuR said:
Over/under we'll see an ATYCLB 20th anniversary edition before Pop/R&H ever get the treatment?
Click to expand...

Well they can’t celebrate a Lovetown anniversary and not commemorate R&H at some point. And even if they don’t want to revisit the film, it’s not like they’ve disowned the music as they have with Pop.

cobl04 said:
I think they’re done with the anniversary editions of their albums. Doubt we’ll see any more.
Click to expand...

You don’t think they’re going to celebrate the last gasp of their global popularity and relevance (it was all downhill after the Vertigo tour)? I feel like Behind and Bomb both get anniversary releases. And the latter could definitely use a new mix without the loudness bullshit.

Of course, in terms of bonus materials we already have the outtakes on the Rare and Unreleased fan club disc and on The Complete U2 iTunes set, if memory serves. Not that there isn’t anything else in the vault (Mick Jagger singing on Stuck?) but we’ve likely heard the best of it and it would be for newer/younger fans.

Personally, I don’t give a shit about either compared to my anticipation for more Beatles anniversary sets (Abbey Road, Let It Be) or ones for Prince (Sign O’ the Times).
 
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It’s the shortcut to filling up stadiums, and they probably want to spend the least time possible dealing with staging and setlists.
 
If this means we get a ZooTV 30 tour in a few years, I don't mind it.
 
The live version of A Sort of Homecoming off Wide Awake In America is still one of my favorite things ever.
I hope our Aussie friends get it at their shows later this year.


TUF was such a great era
 
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