B&C's Reactions to "Professional" Reviews

[bono_212]

Who knows if this topic will go anywhere, but we've been having a bit of fun with it in the Yeah Yeah Yeah's thread.


So, what review has you happy/pissed/Christgau'd?

 

[bono_212]

For example, this review:

Album Review: Charli XCX – True Romance | Consequence of Sound

Did you know that Grimes single-handedly "gathered the ashes of Kraftwerk" and blew them into the wind, rebirthing synthesizer music?

EDIT: Finally forced myself to read the rest of it. Holy shit.
1) "For now, True Romance is a valiant attempt that doesn’t do much more than provide the soundtrack for “getting ready to go out” songs on tinny laptop speakers." - There is so much this album has to offer a headphone listen, what the hell?

2) Essential Tracks: “Set Me Free”, “How Can I”- I hope they just didn't want to use songs we've known for a while. "How Can I" is the only weak track on the whole album.

 

[LemonMelon]

There are some classics in here:

RipFork | Ripping Music Critics Since 2009 ? RipFork

 

[bono_212]

Oh, this is my favorite write-up on that site:

Ray Suzuki gets ripped by RipFork ? RipFork

 

[iron yuppie]

Tiny Mix Tapes.

/thread

 

[bono_212]

Tiny Mix Tapes.

/thread

"Scoring this release at zero comes not from some gut reaction to long-form drone, electroacoustic experimentation, or the maniacal way in which The Knife have approached protest music — I find it enthralling that they should go to such lengths to prove a point. When they say “we want to fail more,” their intention is to breech the album format as a construct, and in that respect, they have succeeded. Indeed, I’m not attacking The Knife for their daring feat, but reexamining my own familiarities with convention at the hands of their artistry, and that simply won’t register on a scale of one to five."

 

[LemonMelon]

My cat could muster more insight by stepping out of his litter box and onto my laptop:

Lana Del Rey - Born to Die | Music Review | Tiny Mix Tapes
Hot Chip - In Our Heads | Music Review | Tiny Mix Tapes

 

[bono_212]

My cat could muster more insight by stepping out of his litter box and onto my laptop:

Lana Del Rey - Born to Die | Music Review | Tiny Mix Tapes
Hot Chip - In Our Heads | Music Review | Tiny Mix Tapes

Those two reviews are, literally, unreadable.

 

[Jive Turkey]

Reading any of these reviews involves links that don't allow for any reader comments. That drives me insane because these hipster fucktards need to be told how much we hate them. It makes me feel like they're getting away with something

 

[bono_212]

Could you imagine if you could comment on P4K reviews?

 

[LemonMelon]

Could you imagine if you could comment on P4K reviews?

Pitchfork | Facebook

Have fun.

 

[cobl04]

Reading any of these reviews involves links that don't allow for any reader comments. That drives me insane because these hipster fucktards need to be told how much we hate them. It makes me feel like they're getting away with something

It would kind of ruin their image. You can comment on the reviews on Facebook and Twitter anyway... one running gag on p4k's Facebook of late has been people commenting "but what does Morrissey think??!" on everything they post. It's pretty funny.

 

[bono_212]

It never occurred to me that I could just do that

 

[IWasBored]

I don't read reviews.

 

[Jive Turkey]

Pitchfork | Facebook

Have fun.

It would kind of ruin their image. You can comment on the reviews on Facebook and Twitter anyway... one running gag on p4k's Facebook of late has been people commenting "but what does Morrissey think??!" on everything they post. It's pretty funny.

You both know they won't ever read these. I'll need home addresses so I can send a handwritten scroll with my olde messenger

 

[cobl04]

You both know they won't ever read these. I'll need home addresses so I can send a handwritten scroll with my olde messenger

They used to have a segment where you could email them with questions. I sent one to Ryan Schreiber once demanding to know why they thought Achtung Baby wasn't in the best 200 albums of the 90s and he actually wrote back and said it was an oversight.

 

[bono_212]

Well he should make some amends there before I oversight his face.

 

[No spoken words]

I like this last post right above my post.

 

[u2popmofo]

Professional reviews can s my d.

 

[bono_212]

@ Mike, Sometimes when I write posts I think to myself, "I hope _____ reads this". In the post two posts above Mofo's post's case, I filled that blank with your name.

 

[No spoken words]

Professional reviews can s my d.

Snoop your Dogg?

HE'S SNOOP LION NOW MOFO

 

[No spoken words]

@ Mike, Sometimes when I write posts I think to myself, "I hope _____ reads this". In the post two posts above Mofo's post's case, I filled that blank with your name.

Holla.

 

[bono_212]

Snoop your Dogg?

HE'S SNOOP LION NOW MOFO

Less than one week

 

[bono_212]

 

[LemonMelon]

Meanwhile, Lil Boosie needs to finish digging that hole beyond his Rita Hayworth poster.

 

[u2popmofo]

Snoop your Dogg?

HE'S SNOOP LION NOW MOFO

This is one of my favorite terrible reviews.

Mogwai: The Hawk Is Howling | Album Reviews | Pitchfork

The Hawk Is Howling is ultimately listenable, understandable, and vaguely likable. Like the songs that shape it, though, the album just feels redundant and tenuous, like the last empty cloud trailing behind a fierce storm.

 

[bono_212]

“Information is scarce on the status of Boosie. I was told two months ago that he might get out this summer — but he might not get out until next year. What’s clear is that the officials at the Angola Penitentiary are determined to make his incarceration as painful as possible."

This is one of my favorite terrible reviews.

Mogwai: The Hawk Is Howling | Album Reviews | Pitchfork

Look at that sexy man-beast.



Ok, damn, that is one of the worst metaphors...I have ever had the misfortune of reading. Thanks. I think I lost 3 years of my life.

 

[LemonMelon]

He just wants his albums to remain timeless:

 

[cobl04]

This review is terrible because of the score he gives it

Kanye West- My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy ALBUM REVIEW - YouTube

And then the score he gives this

Skrillex- Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites EP REVIEW - YouTube

My cat could muster more insight by stepping out of his litter box and onto my laptop:

Lana Del Rey - Born to Die | Music Review | Tiny Mix Tapes
Hot Chip - In Our Heads | Music Review | Tiny Mix Tapes

I'd seen the Hot Chip one but not the Lana Del Rey one. Those are some pathetic self-satisfied little fucks. At least when p4k reviewed a Jet album with a gif of a monkey pissing in its mouth it was funny.

 

[iron yuppie]

Fantano and AV Club are my favorite reviewers. They are the most even-handed and least hung up on waxing philosophical.