Do you believe in your life?

[mad1]

....do you believe your life is planned out for you?........do you?

Of course, Im prob gonna sound so naive and selfish in what Im about to say, but I needs to get it off my chest.........................I guess Im angry................
I mean, sometimes I look at pple's life and where some are rich and perfectly fine, others who work hard are never....................I guess truth is Im angry at my mum being unwell, getting ill, etc..................Im scared, shes scared......but Im truly angry....not at her, but how this person, my mum, doesn't derserve it.........now I know all of you out there are now saying......'but like, nobody deserves to be unwell, ill'.........believe me I know this...........

But I know my mum...........and as some of u prob know as I said whats wrong with her, I guess Im looking and saying 'Hey, my mum has been a hard worker, shes been through a long bad spell with my alcoholic father, my handicapped brother, and the occasional me - not being a brilliant daughter'
So, why should she be ill, why on medication that, in time will it truly correct her? Will it make my mum come back to me? Or is she about to be taken away from me? (shes been getting chest pains and 3 pple have already told her that from the reading of her blood pressure, she shouldnt have been here today)..........shes bloomin terrified.....

it seems that nice pple always get something wrong with them...while the bad 'basterds' of the world (ie. my neighbour) dont!!!!!!!!!!

WHY?

two houses down a lovely lovely man, has throat cancer.............hes been fighting it, but now, unfort its spread.......so its just a matter of time............yet of course hes still living his life, but I guess u never see the anger until it hits home...........

look, maybe Im over-reacting, but really, do some of u tink ur lives are planned out?
These 'chain-of-events' things?
Mum said a lot of pple do.............well, if anything I wish she wasnt ill..............shes too bloody young to be going now.........and Im praying and scared, both her and I , dont want that to be the case..........................shes got a holiday coming up, I want her to be able to go feeling great and enjoy herself............

btw Im sorry to everyone if u tink Im blabberin on and stuff.........yes I guess I sounded selfish....pple out there have bigger problems.................................its just.......I dont know whats round the corner......

(please understand)

I dont go to church.................never was taken really.........but I dont know what to believe and stuff...............its such a confusing way to be, isnt it?


each of us have questions for things.
Im just so unprepared.

 

[spanisheyes]

Maddie...that was truly one of the most heartfelt and honest post I've ever read in any of the forums here. And the questions you bring up are all legitimate, and questions that I know everyone of us deal with in this forum, as well as people in life.

This last year has been a year I would just have soon not gone through if given a choice. My wife and I have been trying to have children for 17 years now, and last year we finally got pregnant, and were expecting our first child. 3 months into the pregnancy, my wife miscarried, and with that miscarriage, our hope of 17 years, our first child was gone. We were devastated, and at first didn't understand why this had to happen this way.

Then, 6 months later, my wife's mother was diagnosed with brain and stomach cancer, and it would only be 5 weeks after the diagnoses that my wife would be burying her mother at the early age of 58. Once again, death, and disappointment had come into our lives, and once again, we had questions, and moments when we wondered if God was hearing our prayers, or if He understood our pain that we were experiencing.

I hope you understand that I'm in no way taking away from your mom's illness, and what you are experiencing, but maybe just to let you know in some small way that there are others just like you Maddie who are going through, or have gone through pain, and have the exact same feelings and questions about this life, and if their is a God out there who is loving like He says He is, and understands exactly what we are going through.

I'm here to tell you Maddie, that the answer is a resounding "YES"! God has been the only One who has kept my wife and I sane through all the ordeals of this past year. I know He has heard my every prayer, and cried as His heart broke with mine, and held me as I felt the cold winds of life blow through our family, leaving us naked and susceptible to doubt and misunderstanding. In all my years of believing in God, I have never felt His nearness and love and care for me more this year then any other year of my 39 years of existance on earth. I don't fully understand God's plan for me at times, but I do understand that He is always with us, and He will sustain and help us through whatever situation life presents to us, though painful and unbearing as it may seem at times.

Once again, thank you for sharing your story with us Maddie, and know that my wife and I will be praying for you, and maybe you don't understand what that means, or that you've heard that before, and what good does it do, when the end results is not what you have been praying for, but know that for us it has helped us to vent, put life in perspective, and keeps our heart is check when it seems that it is broken to the point of never wanting to feel or experience life again. Somehow, though the grace of God, hearts mend, and He gives you the strength to carry on, and realize that we can share our experiences and be emphathetic to the pain, and what seems like the unfairness of life. If you ever need to talk, or just get more things off your chest, you can email us at cmalonzo@hotmail.com

Chris



[This message has been edited by spanisheyes (edited 04-02-2002).]

 

[Lilly]

Well, first off, you're not 'blabbering' and it certainly isn't falling on deaf ears. I am so sorry to hear about your mother. You need to be strong--your positivity will make her more positive! So number one is stay strong. Number two is pray. Even if you don't know who you are in regards to faith, Jesus loves you and He is there for you, no matter what happens. Remember, there are always a pair of footprints. Number three hug her every chance you get. Tell her you love her and appreciate everything she has done for you. Let her know! Because then, when she gets better, you two will have a stronger bond than you already do. This is a test of your will, pass it with flying colors like you know you can. And if you need anything, we're here for you!
(((((((maddie))))))))

 

[foray]

Well, this is the stoic's view. My wise mother used to say that if you're facing pain, that is God's way of telling you that you're not learning something. I guess if you and your mom are afraid of illness or death... the thing to do is to not see it as something bad. To learn courage and family solidarity in the face of pain. Learn to understand, accept and subsequently bear the ordeal that God has let happen to you. Death and pain is just a beginning...

The apostle Paul went to prison, was flogged, beaten with rods, stoned, shipwrecked.. Yet he endured and embraced the experiences because they only made him closer to God and showed how God is compassionate (not cruel).

I'm sorry you are going through this, and at such a young age yet. Like the others have said, be strong. Pray to God because He will give you the strength to bear this, you can't do it all on your own. Leave it to Him.

foray

------------------
so bounce, basketball, bounce

 

[Lilly]

Here Maddie dear, I hope this comforts you as it has comforted me.


One night a man had a dream.

He dreamed he was walking
along the beach with the Lord.
Across the colorful sky flashed scenes
from his life. For each scene,
he noticed two sets of footprints;
one belonged to him,
and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his
life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints
and noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened
at the very lowest
and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the Lord about it.
" Lord, you said that once I
decided to believe in you,
you'd walk with me all the way.
But, I have noticed that during
the most troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why
when I needed you most
you would abandon me."

The Lord said unto him,
"My precious, precious child,
I love you and would never leave you.
During your times of trial and tribulation,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

 

[Gina Marie]

I don't really know what to say Maddie, except that I think you're a very special person, getting to 'know you' as I have only around here.You ARE strong, because you possess sensitivity and kindness, and such a sweet soul and personality. Don't put yourself down-but I know how that goes, because I do it too.

I'll just say I know where you're coming from-I have had more than my fair share of problems in life. Sometimes it seems as if others breeze through life compared to what some people have to endure. But we all have our crosses to bear, and I can't speak as eloquently as Chris can-but it is only through God's love and guidance that I am here today. Don't be afraid to rely on Him Maddie. He won't judge you.

Your Mom is lucky to have you-but you must take care of yourself as well, in order to help her. I will pray for your family. Much love to you sweetie.

I'm so sorry Chris-that was so moving what you wrote about your own pain. Thanks for sharing that. You amaze me with your elequence and your spirituality.

 

[truecoloursfly]

oh maddie,
I'm so sorry. Thanks for telling it like it is: "i'm just so unprepared." That ain't what I call blathering, honey.
foray's right, you know -- the greatest suffering we'll ever know is fear. The fear of the bee sting is much worse than the living with it once it happens; it's amazing what we find we're made of when it's time to cope with reality.
But the pain of loss is no picnic, either, even the "loss" of a mother who's healthy, of "when things were NORMAL!" The loss of the roles you used to hold in each other's lives. You need only be brave enough to look your mother in the eyes, and know you love her. Her body is failing, but your mother is still there, ALL of her, heart and soul, right in front of you! Be with her as she is entirely right now...don't look at her in search of who she "used to be." Or who you used to be.

God's gift to us is eternity, and you know what that means? It doesn't mean a really really looong time...it means NOW. A Now that never stops. And never changes. No, we don't know what's next in the outer world. But the love (not the needs and attachments) in our lives is our window on the changeless Inner world. Love is our chance to see what God sees. What Eternity sees.

Dig deep into what your love for each other feels like, and maybe you'll find a little calm in your own heart that might touch your mother. I had absolutely no words for my dad when we finally knew he was dying. I couldn't presume. But I could hold his hand, and remind him of the most alive thing in him, his great capacity for love.

I really believe, BTW, that nobody gets off lightly in this life (some just hide their shit better), and that the "bastards" in particular suffer the most, because true joy and communion are missing from their lives.

God, I know this isn't easy, maddie. It won't be. But it is deep and real and (literally) extraordinary. Have faith that the journey has value, it will change you and make you bigger. Our prayers are with you -- to Life & Health & being Real!

{{{maddie}}}
and thanks all for coming together here...

Deb D

 

[Like O2]

Originally posted by mad1:

it seems that nice pple always get something wrong with them...while the bad 'basterds' of the world (ie. my neighbour) dont!!!!!!!!!!

maddie - kick this jerk out so I can be your neighbor.

Seriously, I'm so sorry you and your mum are going through this tough time. My dad was sick with cancer pretty much all of my teenage years, dying a few days after I turned 18. He was such a kind, good man which made it that much harder to understand why he had to suffer and die rather young. And back then I was a rather nice, decent person which made it hard to understand why I spent my teenage years watching my dad die.

I don't know if there's a plan for our lives or not......*shrugs*

I just try to get from one day to the next day with a prayer that tomorrow is a little better than today.

And that's the prayer I'll say for you and your mum too, that each tomorrow is a little better.

(((maddie)))

 

[Discoteque]

maddie honey ((((hugs)))) I woke up this morning thinking about you and your mom, and thought about you on the way to work as well, so your post touched me too. It's good that your questioning and searching... I wish I could tell you a 'pat' answer as to why some people seem to be the 'haves' and others the 'have nots' but I don't even know myself...but I have thought about it and stressed over this myself. It just doesn't seem fair does it? I simply know that God loves us--loves YOU--with a love we can't even imagine, and even when you think the world isn't listening - HE listens, and hurts along with you, and like a true loving father ("Abba" in the bible sort of means "daddy"), he wants to make it all better (give you "life abundant"). If you just put your trust in Him - lay your burdens upon him, and trust that He will guide you, He will. It's a promise He makes every one of us, all we need do is ask for it. Remember, Bono sings about God's grace, and what a remarkable gift it is to us.

I don't know if all that makes you feel any better, but just know you have LOTS of friends here who, even tho they've never met you, love you anyway, and are praying for you and your mum...

disco

 

[Lilly]

maddie, can we get an update? how are things going? i hope they've improved a bit! let us know!

------------------
"Why do you have to be such a smart ass?" -my mom

 

[Like O2]

((((maddie and Mom-maddie)))

You're both still in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[mad1]

Do you know what, I was lookin through this forum and came across this and suddenly felt rude that I never checked back after Disco and answered Lillys question......I apologise to u Lilly if u check back in here.....

I know ages has passed but to confirm to anyone reading that mum is doing great! The medication really has helped her and shes not so tired at 7/8pm and can hold til around 11pm!!!!!

its great! She is feelin better and everything!

And she has lost a patch of hair (had a bald patch above her ear), but its grown back now (like 'baby' hair)

She is doin well now and once again, at the time it happened and the response I got as support, thank u......


to all.

again sorry to bring this up..............but I felt guilty there!