april fool

[sulawesigirl4]

This is something I wrote a few years ago at a time that I was going through a lot of internal struggles with where I felt I "ought" to be spiritually. As such, there is probably a pretty thick mood of self-condemnation. But in any case, I was curious to get opinions, thoughts, reactions from this particular group of folks.

April Fool

Perhaps I know the cure
The cure to my disease,
But to acknowledge it
Would force me to my knees.
I?d have to give up things
I fiercely want to keep,
But as it is, I have no peace.
Not even in my sleep.

And yet the tighter that I grasp
The harder that I hold,
The things that used to give me warmth
Now keep me strangely cold.
But like an addict, still I crave
My empty, guilty pleasures
And in my stubbornness I horde
My tarnished, ugly treasures.

So why do I refuse to take
The peace that could be mine?
Why do I struggle on and on
Pretending I am fine?

Perhaps it is because of pride.
I hate to admit need.
I?ve built my life with my two hands
Self-sufficiency my creed.
Acknowledging I could be wrong
Is galling in the least,
But on my own I cannot tame
The nature of my beast.

So, will the web that I have spun
Still keep me firmly mired?
The futile struggle given up
Because I?ve grown so tired?
Deep down I know there?s only One
To pull me from the filth.

Could it be that through surrender
I?ll truly gain my self?

April 1, 2000

 

[brettig]

There have been times when i couldve written that one...thankya sula, it articulates a really awkward conflict

I guess this stuff is all about balance...

 

[Like O2]

WOW, that was great Sula! Thanks for sharing.

 

[hippy]

Sula darling, thank you so much for sharing that. This past year I've been struggling with that problem a lot. I wanted to be a certain way, but God wanted me to be another. And I was miserable until I realized what I was doing wrong. Lately I have been at that point again, and it was good to have a reminder like this to point me in the right direction.

P.S. Beautiful writing...the English major in me comes out!

------------------
The whole wide world feels like a shrine to the worker bees, who stole it from God anyhow.
Lay it down, child
Lay it down, child
And walk into this room all made with love for you...

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

 

[Gina Marie]

Wow-just amazing.Thanks for sharing this.

It brought tears to my eyes.

Could it be that through surrender
I?ll truly gain my self?

So why do I refuse to take
The peace that could be mine?
Why do I struggle on and on
Pretending I am fine?

For me, these lines relate not only to my relationship w/ God, but also to my inner struggles w/ my own 'personal demons', if that makes any sense...and it's only through 'surrender' that I've been able to cope in any way.

 

[Discoteque]

WOW Sula. Amazing poetry, really articulates spiritual struggle - this could have been written by me at many times in my own life. It's funny...before I became a believer, I balked and resisted Christ SO MUCH because I liked having my "fun" life, and I didn't want to change my life (didn't want to 'bend my knee') - I thought that becoming a Christian would make me stuffy, boring, dowdy, annoying, a 'Bible thumper' (GAH!), and many other adjectives that for some reason, I thought that Christians portrayed. I struggled over this for years. But nothing could have been further from the truth! I'm still ME, as messed up and human as ever, but kind of...well, 'new & improved!' I don't have a lot of the bad habits I used to hang onto like grim death, and...no longer hanging on TO grim death as well!