It's Official: I'm Writing My School's Christmas Play

[LMP]

It'll be my first experience writing anything substantial, so I'm really looking forward to it.

The general idea is that Santa Claus either has a mental breakdown or breaks a leg or something (not sure), which means someone has to deliver presents to all of the children in the world. A "Holiday Draft" is held, similar to an NBA or NFL Draft to select who will replace Santa amongst all of the fictional/holiday related characters, and the winner is Chanakuh Harry.

Chanakuh Harry and his buddies (the Easter Bunny, a leprechaun who thinks he's Bono, and Abraham Lincoln [President's Day] all decide to help Harry and learn about the true meaning of Chanakuh.

Meanwhile, outraged they weren't selected, Frankenstein, Dracula, Cupid, and either a turkey or a pilgrim decide to finally bring an end to Christmas. They're angry that every year Christmas buts in to their respective holidays, and Cupid just wants to cause trouble. Also, I was considering making these characters similar to members of the Bush Administration:

Frankenstein isn't very good with words and is really led along by Dracula.

Dracula is a Karl Rove-type, uber-conservative blood sucker.

Cupid is Dick Cheney, who enjoys shooting people in the face with his love arrows.

And the pilgrim... I'm not sure who it is yet, but I'll figure it out.

Chanakuh Harry and his buddies deliver gifts to one house in Act 2, much to the dismay of the children, who only receive socks, underwear and chocolate. Frankenstein and his cronies are close in tow, trying to sabotage Harry.

At the very end the two groups meet and have climactic battle of wit and brawn, only to settle their difference and save Christmas together.

The main reason I wanted to write the play was just to write something, like I said above, but it'll also be a challenge. The play's audience is mainly children and their parents with some high schoolers in the mix, so the humor has to reach all 3 groups consistently.


This is the basic idea which could and probably will change. What do you guys think of the idea and do you have any ideas you'd like to throw my way?

 

[UberBeaver]

I see Woody Allen playing Harry. Pacino is the Easter Bunny (who should have Tourette's). Leprachaun/Bono = Patrick Stewart. Lincoln? Hm...tough one. Maybe David Bowie. You'll need to write a part for Elisha Cuthbert too - maybe she can be cupid.

And why no Uncle Sam? I understand if you don't want it to get too political.


I like it so far. Good luck, sounds like fun.

 

[U2vertigofly]

Sounds good man.

Last year i got to write our play, and one thing I'd recommend is to keep in mind is that it's a play, not a movie. That was my problem, it was worked great in my mind, but during rehearsals on stage, not so much.

Good luck with it, and you'd better make it good.

 

[Screwtape2]

The main reason I wanted to write the play was just to write something, like I said above, but it'll also be a challenge. The play's audience is mainly children and their parents with some high schoolers in the mix, so the humor has to reach all 3 groups consistently.

I'm so jealous. I use to dream about the chance to write a play or something for my school. You've got some really good ideas. Good luck!

 

[elevated_u2_fan]

Make sure you are just writing though.

If they want you to direct, turn them down or you could end up like this guy:

 

[Carek1230]

Very cool, what is it going to be about?

 

[LMP]

I've basically plotted out the entire thing and now I just need to write it. That's the hard part.

I'll post it here when I'm done

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

Dude, that's amazing if your school let's you do that. Mine would just shoot lasers out of their eyes the second I walked in the office.

 

[LMP]

Here's a sneak peak at Scene 1:

THE LEGEND OF CHANUKAH HARRY - ACT ONE

SCENE ONE: MEETING AT THE NORTH POLE

The curtain opens to a meeting in
disarray. Stage lights go up full with
red and green scrim lights. Characters
such as THE EASTER BUNNY, FRANKENSTEIN,
ABRAHAM LINCOLN, and CHANUKAH HARRY are
in attendance. The HOLIDAY COMMISSIONER
arrives to a podium to thunderous
applause. He pulls out a paper, puts on
his reading glasses, and starts
speaking.

(A SILENCE.)

HOLIDAY COMMISSIONER

Ladies and gentleman, I'm sure you're wondering why you're
all here today. Due to an unfortunate accident on his yearly
ski-trip, Santa Claus aka Big Kahuna aka Mr. Pink aka Big
Poppa is unable to perform his duties this Christmas.

(The attendees all gasp in horror.)

HOLIDAY COMMISSIONER
The Christmas Constitution states in the event of an
immobilized Santa, a Temporary Santa must be selected.
Tonight, we will select such a Temporary Santa in a "holiday
draft."

(The HOLIDAY COMMISSIONER stops talking
and all of the attendees pantomime
speech while 2 HOLIDAY DRAFT ANALYSTS
sitting at a table Stage Right, start
speaking. ALEX JACKSON is a soft
spoken, polite host while STEPHEN A.
HOWARD is a loud-mouthed, outspoken
person. They are only seen from the
waist up.)

ALEX JACKSON
Hello, I'm Alex Jackson and with me is always the
uncomparable Stephen A. Howard.

STEPHEN A. HOWARD
Yeah, good to be here A.J.

ALEX JACKSON
This is a momentous event as it is the first Holiday Draft
since Santa was touring with the Grateful Dead in the early
'70s.

STEPHEN A. HOWARD
Those guys, they uh, toured a lot, A.J.

ALEX JACKSON
For those of you wondering how this works, the Commissioner
inserts many papers of nomenclature into a cranial apparatus,
and selects one to preside over Christmas. It's a very exact
science.

STEPHEN A. HOWARD (Deadpan.)
He picks a name out of a hat.

(As ALEX and STEPHEN are discussing,
the Commissioner is grabbing a hat,
ready to begin the process.)

ALEX JACKSON
Stephen, who do you believe is the best candidate as a
Temporary Santa?

STEPHEN A. HOWARD
The best pick is clearly Count Dracula out of the University
of Transylvania. He has TREMENDOUS Upside Potential and a 7
foot wingspan that makes him unstoppable when it comes to
scoring presents in the clutch. The Easter Bunny is my 2nd
choice, she already goes to home sending children eggs and
treats.

ALEX JACKSON
Any other contenders, Stephen?

STEPHEN A. HOWARD
Bono the Leprechaun out of Dublin U sounds like a decent
pick. What he lacks in size he makes up for in charitably,
his singing voice, and dark-tinted sunglasses. I'd have to be
a fool not to mention Lenny the Spartan out of Greece, that
man is an absolute beast. Quite frankly, if he's picked, I'd
be afraid for the children.

(The HOLIDAY COMMISSIONER steps up to
the podium, sticks him hand in the hat
and pulls out a slip of paper and reads
it.)

ALEX JACKSON
The Commissioner is now approaching the podium with the
selection....

HOLIDAY COMMISSIONER
With the #1 pick in the 2007 Holiday Draft, this standard
Santa cap selects Chanukah Harry out of the University of
Israel.

(The attendees uproar in applause and
disgust. Harry walks up to the podium,
puts on the Santa cap and poses for a
picture with the COMISSIONER.)

ALEX JACKSON
Stephen, what do you think of this pick?

STEPHEN A. HOWARD
This is a turrible, turrible pick! Who has even heard of
Chanukah Harry? I don't think reindeer even speak Yiddish, do
you A.J.?

ALEX JACKSON
Uh...

STEPHEN A. HOWARD
Exactly, this is pure tomfoolery! Chicanery! Hogwash! I'm
outraged.

(STEPHEN A. HOWARD gets up and walks
off Stage Right.)

ALEX JACKSON
Well, that's all for this year's Holiday Draft. It was
definitely surprising tonight with the selection of Chanukah
Harry and the entire world will have a chance to see how this
plays off. As always, I'm Alex Jackson, and I'll have to find
Stephen A. Howard because he was my ride. Goodbye, everyone!

ALEX JACKSON runs off Stage Right. The
attendees are still a daze. DRACULA,
FRANKENSTEIN, and CUPID all rise.

DRACULA
This is madness!

(LENNY rises.)

LENNY
No! This! Is! Sparta!

(Dead silence.)

LENNY
Uh... sorry guys, uh... I just get overzealous, you know? I
know it's the North Pole, but you know... Sparta still is the
best.

(BONO rises.)

BONO
It's okay man, we understand--

LENNY THE SPARTAN
I fought a 12 foot Immortal!

(BONO tries to comfort LENNY and sit
him down.)

HOLIDAY COMMISSIONER (TO
HARRY)
Good luck, son. I'm sure you'll do a great job.

(HOLIDAY COMMISSIONER leaves, BONO
starts a cheer for CHANUKAH HARRY.)

BONO (TO CROWD)
Three cheers for Harry! Hip, hip!

EVERYONE
Hooray!

BONO
Hip, hip!

EVERYONE
Hooray!

(U2's "Pride (In the Name of Love)
starts playing at the 0:45 mark.)

BONO
IN THE NAME OF LOVE! WHAT MORE IN THE NAME OF LOVE?!

(MUSIC abruptly stops, EVERYONE stares
at BONO.)

BONO
Oh come on, you know you love that song...

FRANKENSTEIN
Come on Dracula, we're leaving. I... have... a plan.

DRACULA
Yikes.

(DRACULA and FRANKENSTEIN leave.)

LENNY
Harry! Harry, come down here, are you excited, brother?

(HARRY approaches BUNNY, LENNY and
BONO.)

HARRY
This is such an honor, I mean, helping with Christmas is a
much larger task than Chanukah, that's for sure.

LENNY
I'm sure you'll do fine, man.

BUNNY
Chanukah, yeah, now that is a great holiday. Not many people
know the true story of Chanukah, but I do.

HARRY
You do, Bono? Now that's refreshing, many people know about
the menorah and 8 days and dreidels, but they don't know the
story behind it.

BUNNY
Well, here's what I know: Back a long, long time ago, a dark
and dangerous time for the world... The 1970s, there lived a
man, a strong man, a man's man. This man bathed in lye and
brushed his teeth with steel wool!

(HARRY and LENNY look on with disbelief
as BONO continues.)

BUNNY (CONT'D)
This man was sent by the President himself, to fight
mankind's greatest enemy... Communists!

(HARRY interjects.)

HARRY
I'm going to stop you right there, but that is in no way
related to the story of Chanukah. I'm not even sure if you're
not on mushrooms right now, man.

BUNNY
I found some glue back at the Workshop, it seemed like a good
idea at the time...

BONO
Harry, brutha! I know the true story of Chanukah!

HARRY
Do you really?

BONO
Yes, I do... It was a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships,
striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory
against the evil Galactic Empire--

HARRY
Bono, I like where your head's at, but that's from the
opening crawl of Star Wars.

BONO
It is? Son of a bee sting!

HARRY
Lenny... I'm not even going to ask you.

(LENNY looks a little irked, but shrugs
in agreement.)

HARRY
But really guys, none of you know the real story of Chanukah?
Would you like me to tell you guys?

(EVERYONE nods in agreement or says
"Yeah, why not?"

HARRY
Okay, here's the Reader's Digest version: In Jerusalem, back
around 175 BCE, this royal bad Greek dude named Antiochus IV
Epiphanes ascended the throne. He outlawed Judaism in all of
the land and ordered the Temple of Jerusalem to be sacked.
Now, what this guy wanted to do was make the Temple an altar
for Zeus, the Main Greek God, which didn't fly well with the
Jews left in town. So in 167, Mattathias, a Jewish priest,
and his 5 sons led a revolt against Antiochus. About a year
later, Mattathias died, leaving his 3rd son Judah in charge.
He would be known as Judah Maccabee. So when Antiochus and
his cronies left Jerusalem, the Jews wanted to throw a party
in the Temple, but they only had a day's worth of oil to fill
their giant menorah. Miraculously, the oil burnt for 8 days,
and every year Jews all over the world celebrate this miracle
as the 8 Days of Chanukah.

BUNNY
That was awesome!

BONO
I liked that better than Star Wars!

HARRY
I'm glad you liked the story, guys.

LENNY
So what do you do for Chanukah, Chanukah Harry?

HARRY
Well, I visit the home of every Jewish child and leave them 8
days worth of gifts. It's up to their parents when they want
to give them.

BUNNY
What do you usually give them?

HARRY
Dreidels, gelt, little coins made of chocolate, and my
specialty: socks and underwear. All of the kids love it,
that's why every child will be getting socks and underwear
this year!

(HARRY chuckles heartedly.)

BONO
Dude, are you sure all of the kids really like socks and
underwear. I mean, if I wanted an Xbox and got a pair of
underoos... Well I'd be pretty pissed.

HARRY
Nonsense! Nonsense! Every child will love their gifts. It's
not about what you receive, but it's about the love in what
you receive.

BUNNY
What fortune cookie did you read that from?

BONO
Speaking of food, we should all go out to celebrate Harry's
success.

HARRY
You guys are too kind, which is a great quality to have as my
helpers.

LENNY
You mean...

HARRY
That's right, you're all coming with me to spread the joy of
Christmas and Chanukah all over the world!

(Bunny, Lenny, and Bono all shout in
joy.)

BUNNY
Where should we eat? I say we grab some Chinese, what do you
guys think?

BONO
Yeah, I'm game for that, Harry?

HARRY
That sounds terrific, what do you think, Lenny?

LENNY
Tonight! We dine in Hell!

(An awkward silence sweeps across the
room.)

LENNY (CONT'D)
...Yeah, Chinese sounds fine.

BONO
Why are you always ruining the mood like that man?

LENNY
I don't know, my therapist says it's a control problem, I say
he's a Persian coward!

BONO
Take some deep breaths, chill out for a little bit, we'll
meet you in the sled.

(BUNNY, HARRY, and BONO start to exit
Stage Left.)

BONO (CONT'D)
It could be worse, man. At least you don't like singing
Coldplay songs everywhere you go.

(LENNY is left alone on stage.)

LENNY
Hey! I LOVE Coldplay!

(LENNY runs to exit Stage Left. Curtain
closes, lights fade out.)

END OF SCENE ONE

 

[bono_212]

LMP it's great, there was only one minor thing, at one point in time you kept referring to Bono, but then when the text would come up you would say Bunny was speaking...I'm not sure who was supposed to be talking:

HARRY
You do, Bono? Now that's refreshing, many people know about
the menorah and 8 days and dreidels, but they don't know the
story behind it.

BUNNY
Well, here's what I know: Back a long, long time ago, a dark
and dangerous time for the world... The 1970s, there lived a
man, a strong man, a man's man. This man bathed in lye and
brushed his teeth with steel wool!

(HARRY and LENNY look on with disbelief
as BONO continues.)

BUNNY (CONT'D)
This man was sent by the President himself, to fight
mankind's greatest enemy... Communists!

(HARRY interjects.)

HARRY
I'm going to stop you right there, but that is in no way
related to the story of Chanukah. I'm not even sure if you're
not on mushrooms right now, man.

BUNNY
I found some glue back at the Workshop, it seemed like a good
idea at the time...

BONO
Harry, brutha! I know the true story of Chanukah!





It's really interesting so far, there's only one other thing, maybe I'll PM you about it later, but I don't wanna be too critical, I myself, suck at script writing so yeah...

 

[LMP]

You're right, I need to fix that. Thank you. Please be as critical as possible

I can't PM

 

[No spoken words]

I liked it so far. 2 things:

This is mainly for kids? How old? If really young, is it cool to have someone yell "hell"?

There was an SNL skit many years ago about "Hanukkah Harry"...not sure if you know that, not sure if it matters, but just in case.....

Good start!

 

[bono_212]

Oh I see, I forgot about that

anway, it just seems that sometimes the dialogue drags just a tiny bit during the Sports commentary bit, and also when Harry's explaining the meaning of Hanukkah, but I'm sure this is an early draft, and like I said, I suck at script writing so what do I know?

 

[LMP]

Oh I see, I forgot about that

anway, it just seems that sometimes the dialogue drags just a tiny bit during the Sports commentary bit, and also when Harry's explaining the meaning of Hanukkah, but I'm sure this is an early draft, and like I said, I suck at script writing so what do I know?

I have the same problem with those bits, too, but they're mainly exposition, so I'm not sure how to liven it up.

I liked it so far. 2 things:

This is mainly for kids? How old? If really young, is it cool to have someone yell "hell"?

There was an SNL skit many years ago about "Hanukkah Harry"...not sure if you know that, not sure if it matters, but just in case.....

Good start!

It's for a high school audience, but I think kids do see it. As long as it's not a "what the hell?" or something, I think it's okay. I might add a line saying "Dude, there are kids in the audience." Sure it breaks the 4th wall, but I'm cool like that.

I've heard about that sketch, but I've never seen it. Is it very similar?

 

[bono_212]

My high school performed Grease and Footloose, I think language like that is ok in High School plays....or at least in northern indiana high school plays

 

[No spoken words]

I have the same problem with those bits, too, but they're mainly exposition, so I'm not sure how to liven it up.



It's for a high school audience, but I think kids do see it. As long as it's not a "what the hell?" or something, I think it's okay. I might add a line saying "Dude, there are kids in the audience." Sure it breaks the 4th wall, but I'm cool like that.

I've heard about that sketch, but I've never seen it. Is it very similar?

Well, Hanukkah Harry has to step in for Santa, and, he does deliver socks to some kids, to their dismay. It's a funny skit, actually....his reindeer are named Herschel, Schlomo, etc. Lovitz plays HH.

Breaking that 4th wall has its merits.

Are you Jewish, by the way?

 

[LMP]

Oh, I love Jon Lovitz. The rest of the play isn't very similar, but there is a scene where he gives kids bad gifts like that.

My dad's side of the family is Jewish, but my mom's isn't, alas, I am not.

 

[No spoken words]

Ah, ok, just curious. That would have been a stretch, though, someone who is Jewish who wants to get into the entertainment business. I can say that, cos I'm not just a member, I'm a member who is in the entertainment business. Challah at your boy!!!

 

[LMP]

It's funny how that works, isn't it.

PS - I'm adding Admiral Ackbar into the play. I don't care if anyone gets it or not, but it's going to kick ass. When traps are being set for other characters, he'll let them know they're coming.

 

[No spoken words]

Oh, shame on you if you DON'T add Ackbar. Make that your signature, an appearance by Ackbar in every play, film, short, etc. Kind of like Hitchcock showing up in all of his own films. By the way, where the hell is Hitchcock on the Top 25 movie lists???

 

[LMP]

I still think random characters, no matter who they are, saying ridiculous things at random times are hilarious. That's why I have Leonidas from 300 as a guy that basically has Tourette's.

I was thinking the same thing. I know I have an excuse since I have yet to see most of them, but I'll be damned if The Lord of the Rings movies make it and something like Psycho or Vertigo doesn't.

 

[No spoken words]

Hey, I liked the LOTR movies a lot...and had at least one on my list....but, maybe North by Northwest should have been on my list instead. Ack. Top 50's are REALLY hard.

 

[LMP]

I liked the LOTR movies, but not as much as everyone else it looks like.

 

[No spoken words]

Well, look, the bigger crime, to me, is Anchorman being on the list and no Hitchcock. But, people love their Anchorman.

 

[LMP]

I might've overranked Anchorman, but I can basically quote any line of that movie like I'm learning to do with Lebowski.

 

[No spoken words]

I can quote tons of lines from Tombstone and Flash Gordon and Dune and many others, but they aint in my Top 25. Anchorman is funny, no doubt....but I have trouble with it being a Top 25 of all time film. I'll shut up about it now because it's such a subjective thing, and certainly not everything on my Top 25 is really a Top 25 film, probably not even close.

ETA- This is supposed to be about your play!!!

 

[LMP]

I'll outline what happens after this scene:

The villains (Frankenstein, Dracula, and Cupid) convene at their secret lair to plot to bring down Christmas because it "takes away from the importance of Halloween." Cupid shoots Dracula in the face with an arrow. Dracula brings in their secret weapon/celebrity benefactor who's unknown to the audience (His face is covered.)

Harry and the others leave the North Pole to deliver gifts to children all around the world with the villains in pursuit.

End of Act I.

Act II begins in St. Hubbin's Orphanage where Sister Hazel and Sister Christian have to tell the children Santa might not come this year because the orphanage is losing money. Little Charlie believes Santa Claus is real and will come while the other kids [2 emo kids, his friends Lucy and Donny (definite Lebowski reference alert) and Oliver Twist] don't believe him. Charlie calls the Santa Hotline (1-800-GET-XMAS) to come. The villains intercept this phone call and plot to get there before Harry and the gang.

The villains arrive and decide they're going to make the children turn against Harry before he gets there, so they grab candy and stuffed animals to give to the children. As they enter the orphanage, they're stopped by Chris Hanson from To Catch a Predator, which stops their plan.

Harry and the gang arrive and give the kids their gifts, first the socks and underwear then their real gifts, when the villains arrive with their Secret Celebrity Weapon: Michael Jackson. The boy orphans are afraid, but the girl orphans aren't really phased by it.

A huge rumble is about to ensue, then it turns into the end of the Beat It video, you know, when the gang members all of a sudden dance? That dance exactly.

Then Little Charlie stops everything and has a moving speech about how every holiday is special in their own ways. The police arrive to arrest the villains for being pedophiles, when in an act of goodwill, everyone pins the blame on Michael Jackson.

Everyone's happy, learns a lesson, and most importantly, enjoy the holiday season.

 

[hardyharhar]

I think Adam Sandler is Harry. And I like the idea of a Chicken Little type character being the turkey/pilgrim running around for the fuddy duddy Bush's telling everyone how this or that is gonna happen and the sky is falling, etc.......

 

[LMP]

I'm sending the first scene and an outline to the Drama sponsor today. Now I'm getting nervous.

 

[Screwtape2]

I'm sending the first scene and an outline to the Drama sponsor today. Now I'm getting nervous.

Good luck.