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Old 04-17-2011, 08:19 PM   #1
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I dunno if this belongs in B&C or what, but one of the greatest indie acts of all-time has disbanded after a day of unadulterated rocking.

No, but seriously, Ashley's 10 year-old brother asked me the other day if I wanted to start a band with him. I don't know how or why it struck him that he would be a good fit for a rock band. Perhaps playing Brutal Legend for hours on end finally inspired him, or maybe his testosterone levels are going up now. Anyway, he wanted to rock, and he assumed I was rock material. He was mistaken on numerous levels.

So Ashley and I got a few songs together. We pulled them out of our ass, but threw in The Joker because chicks pull their tits out to that one. Always a winner. She had never played bass before, but she proved to be a strong prospect, handling the bass line to WOWY after several takes. We had crafted a better setlist than 360, as it lacked IALW, and that was the highest-grossing tour of all time. This band was going to be something great.

So we started up our first rehearsal. Her brother was full of youthful zeal, like all great rockers in the early years. But like the vast majority of rockers, they were in over their heads from the start. Some, like the Beatles, grew creatively and commercially in the face of mammoth fame and expectations. We would soon see if he had the mettle for greatness.

He arrived and was ready to rock. Unfortunately, Ashley was not ready to rock and played around on the computer as we waited for her to emerge. He told me that he didn't want to "play any of that hippie crap" and told me my guitar playing didn't rock enough. I lowered the tuning on my E string to D and proceeded to play an unremarkable metal riff. This wasn't going to end well. Thankfully, she did emerge and we began in earnest.

As we worked through a hideously awful improvised version of Debaser, piecing together tablature with shouted directions and some tears, her brother shriveled with boredom, exhibiting the body language of an aging Thom Yorke, looking away from his band members and curling up on the couch instead of participating. He began to yawn, furthering his reputation for unaffected cool. He was holding strong. That 8.7 from Pitchfork was well in reach.

However, like Altamont before it, our performance turned ugly all too quickly. Once setlist staple The Joker was required, he refused to perform for one song too long. Our cat grew restless. Something had to be done. However, we had patience, trusting that his reputation for greatness in such circumstances would hold and he would rock us into the cosmos. We continued to play the same three chords over and over again for 10 minutes as his stage fright overpowered him. It was less inspirational than distressing. We coerced him into singing a few lines of The Joker, but they were lost under layered of feedback and missed notes. He broke down, and we decided to break up.

It was all a mistake, we soon realized. He was the only boy on earth who actually wanted to switch to bass. He clearly was not cut out for this business. After I played One on my acoustic guitar in order to save the band, to no effect, it was clear that we were beyond hope. However, he would not go peacefully. Utilizing the democratic process, we made his ejection official, and he decided to vote himself out. Following this, we argued over rights to our amazing band name (which he did, admittedly, come up with at Taco Bell somehow and for some reason), and he agreed to let us keep the name but refused rights to his two hits "Your Face Is In My Way" and "Jack Nicholson Went To Mexico And Almost Died." Unrelated suits are still pending.

Our final setlist was as follows:

1. Debaser/Why Haven't We Started Playing Music Yet? (snippet)
2. The Joker/I Don't Want To Sing (snippet)/Can I Play Bass? (snippet)/Let's Break Up (snippet)/Alright, I Guess (snippet)

In the wake of these unfortunate events, this thread has been created for related Q&A, as well as any future JNP events. In addition, while we disbanded after one rehearsal, the amount of unreleased material we may have in our vaults is untold. A $45/month membership will give you access to these vaults. A Duets disc should be easy to make since there's only two of us left.

I might copy/paste this as a bio to rateyourmusic. Maybe, we'll see.
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Old 04-17-2011, 08:23 PM   #2
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After I played One on my acoustic guitar in order to save the band,
I laughed.
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Old 04-17-2011, 08:24 PM   #3
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You need to make this into a documentary.
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Old 04-17-2011, 08:29 PM   #4
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I suggested we recreate the entire event into a real time episode of Behind the Music.
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Old 04-17-2011, 08:45 PM   #5
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You guys answered this awfully fast. So many are mourning the death of JNP.
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Old 04-17-2011, 08:48 PM   #6
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To be fair, Shouter had mentioned the band to me a few weeks ago, so I was already a fan/prepared for this.
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Old 04-17-2011, 08:54 PM   #7
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He was a fan well before I was. Must have been how he got dibs on our Record Store Day shit before I could sell it on eBay for nothing.

The soothing sounds of our bickering rocked President Bowie to sleep nightly. Space Moon. RIPJNP.
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Old 04-17-2011, 09:04 PM   #8
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I prefer their earlier work.
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Old 04-17-2011, 09:07 PM   #9
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I prefer their earlier work.
Hang on, let me just upload something...
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Old 04-17-2011, 09:12 PM   #10
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The only known JNP recording. This was before I joined the band/learned to play bass:

Modern ReHEEHEEligion feat_ Ben.mp3 - DivShare
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Old 04-17-2011, 09:15 PM   #11
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*wipes tear*

On eBay, you can get paid for taking the clear vinyl off of someone's hands.

...in space.
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Old 04-17-2011, 09:16 PM   #12
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If you listen closely to the end of the recording, you can already see the seams of the band beginning to break.
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Old 04-17-2011, 09:20 PM   #13
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Ken Snyder's lawsuits set us back a few years, but our comeback gig was meant to shoot us back to the top.

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Old 04-17-2011, 09:23 PM   #14
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The only known JNP recording. This was before I joined the band/learned to play bass:


Ben's vocal stylings are reminiscent of Michael Jackson.
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Old 04-17-2011, 09:23 PM   #15
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Ben's vocal stylings are reminiscent of Michael Jackson.
His hero. Not even kidding.

So many media outlets have pointed out the similarities.
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