I/O: Are Manners Dead?

[doctorwho]

Maybe I'm too "old school". Maybe my pleasant nature makes people think I don't care. Yet, I try to be respectful of others. So I have to ask, are manners dead?

I have a friend staying with me. He was a guest this past week, but about to embark on a 3 week "roommate" stay with me. Despite only spending 3 or 4 nights with me last week I had some issues. Examples:

• I stored his car in my garage for 3 months while he was touring Asia. Did I get any real thanks, such as a souvenir? No. I just got a "I might need a jump" comment.
• I had some new pans set aside. They were for my use, but I forgot about them. My guest rummaged through my cabinets to find these new pans, - as apparently the pan I normally use wasn't "good enough" for him - opened them and then used them.
• He used my washer and dryer without asking.
• He used my workout equipment without asking. When I offered to show him how to use either, he indignantly replied that they seemed obvious.
• He usually partakes of food I cook, but only once offered me something he made. He cooks with my utensils and gas stove and even some of my food, but offers me nothing.
• I asked him not to use my computer due to personal items on it. However, as he couldn't get the wireless router to work on his computer, he still turned my system on. He told me afterward instead of asking first.

None of these items is so egregious. Nothing was damaged and at worst, he was a bit messy. But I feel slighted. As as a guest in someone's house, shouldn't one ask before using something?

So is it just me? Should I say something? Or am I just too old school?

 

[The Sad Punk]

It sounds more like your friend just has particularly bad manners. I don't think it would be rude to mention something, maybe just off hand, if you're close he likely won't be offended. He may just brush it off.

I'm sure there were people with bad manners back in the day, too, just as there has been in all of human history. Kinda like people with good manners.

 

[No spoken words]

I'm sorry that you made this thread only to have The Sad Punk be the first to respond. Talk about adding insult to injury.

I think I'd speak up to your guest at some point, were I in your shoes. I know how you feel...you don't do these sort of things just so you can be thanked, you do it cos you're a good friend....and yet, the absence of a "thank you" or "please" irks, to say the least.

And, agreed...taken on their own, none of those things is particularly horrid, but add them up and it's not cool at all. I think your first and last bullet points would have bothered me the most.

Good luck with this, I hope it gets sorted out to your satisfaction.

Lastly, I hope this cat at least likes U2.

 

[cobl04]

He sounds like a prick!

 

[Galeongirl]

I'm sorry that you made this thread only to have The Sad Punk be the first to respond. Talk about adding insult to injury.

I think I'd speak up to your guest at some point, were I in your shoes. I know how you feel...you don't do these sort of things just so you can be thanked, you do it cos you're a good friend....and yet, the absence of a "thank you" or "please" irks, to say the least.

And, agreed...taken on their own, none of those things is particularly horrid, but add them up and it's not cool at all. I think your first and last bullet points would have bothered me the most.

Good luck with this, I hope it gets sorted out to your satisfaction.

Lastly, I hope this cat at least likes U2.

BRAINZ!!!!!!!




But on a serious note, this guy sounds like a jerk to me.

 

[Popmartijn]

Dead?

R.I.P.

 

[Bonochick]

No.

*elbows on the table*

Lighten up, duuuuuuude.

*burp*

For real though, homeboy should be making more of an effort to be a more appreciative guest. But let's look at this a little closer:

I stored his car in my garage for 3 months while he was touring Asia. Did I get any real thanks, such as a souvenir? No. I just got a "I might need a jump" comment.

Did you get a verbal thank you, at least? I know if you do something like that, you may expect a little token of appreciation...but you also don't do something nice because you expect something in return. You do it because you want to help. Would it have been good etiquette on his end to get you a little somethin'-somethin' though? Yeah. I wouldn't be mad about not getting something though.

I had some new pans set aside. They were for my use, but I forgot about them. My guest rummaged through my cabinets to find these new pans, - as apparently the pan I normally use wasn't "good enough" for him - opened them and then used them.

OMG, how do you forget about new pans?? If I got new pans, I'd probably be dancing with them or cozying up to them in bed at night. Okay, not really, but I would be excited. Anyhoo, I can't imagine being a guest in somebody's home and opening up something new of theirs and using them...but that is almost so ridiculous of an action to do that you can't help but laugh at the sheer "what the heck?!?"-ness of it all. For real though...what the heck??

He used my washer and dryer without asking.

Even if just out of politeness, he should have asked. Kind of like when you go up to someone at work and say, "Hey, can I borrow your three-hole punch?" Duh, of course you can...but you don't just take it, you do the little song-and-dance of asking! I like that etiquette because when people ask me for things like that at work, I get to do things like this:

Co-worker: "Hey, I can I print this to your printer?"

Me: "Is it something for you?"

Co-worker: "Yes."

Me: *scoffs* "Uh...NO."

You know...just to give people a hard time.

He used my workout equipment without asking. When I offered to show him how to use either, he indignantly replied that they seemed obvious.

Kind of the same as above...however, if there some instructions that should be given to ensure that the equipment is used properly to prevent damage, that's a little different. Although, that could also be the case with the washer and dryer, so I guess they are the same. You once again missed out on a scoffing/rejection opportunity. Bummer.

He usually partakes of food I cook, but only once offered me something he made. He cooks with my utensils and gas stove and even some of my food, but offers me nothing.

If I were in this situation, I'd wait until after my guest was finished eating everything. Then I'd say, "How come you didn't offer me any?" Then I'd widen my eyes and say, "Oh my gosh...are you saying I'm FAT?!?!?!??!?!?" Then I'd burst into tears and run upstairs, flailing my arms.

I asked him not to use my computer due to personal items on it. However, as he couldn't get the wireless router to work on his computer, he still turned my system on. He told me afterward instead of asking first.

Dealbreaker. That's just wrong. I can offer no justification on that one.

I'm kind of curious about what "personal items" you may have though. Huh-huh-huh...

 

[cobl04]

What you need to do, doctorwho, is use your time machine to go back and pitch this to Larry David for a Seinfeld episode.

Spoiler

Two TV references in one. Shit I'm good.

 

[Popmartijn]

If I were in this situation, I'd wait until after my guest was finished eating everything. Then I'd say, "How come you didn't offer me any?" Then I'd widen my eyes and say, "Oh my gosh...are you saying I'm FAT?!?!?!??!?!?" Then I'd burst into tears and run upstairs, flailing my arms.

You mean like this?


Sorry if it isn't very smooth yet. I'm still in practice.

 

[kramwest1]

To me, there are manners, and then there are things that need to be in place to live with someone. Most people can endure a couple of nights or maybe a week with someone who rubs them the wrong way for whatever reason, but you've got at least a couple of more weeks with this person. This seems like it's beyond manners; it's following rules.

Are they easily offended?
If they stomped out would they have a different place they could live?
Are they paying you anything to live there?

For your own sanity, you need to say something about what is bothering you to them. They seem to have taken the "my house is your house to heart." It sounds like you may have shrugged off some small things, but you need to pick your battles and state them.

 

[doctorwho]

Thanks Everyone!

BonoChick: I don't sleep with pans. Sure, I may sleep with some new electronic toys or fun Doctor Who/U2 items, but never with pans. That's just silly.



And talk about setting a new low standard, if Sad Punk found this guy rude, then clearly he is.

Seriously, one or two of the above isn't a big deal. But all together, I thought they were presumptuous. Kramwest1 wrote it correctly - I think my friend really has taken the "my house is your house" sentiment a little too directly. He doesn't make his bed and clothes are tossed about (even though my guest room has a closet with hangers and a dresser). I had my family stay here the week prior. I thought they had a few "issues", but they hung up clothes, made the bed, etc. I accept that guests will make messes or rummage a bit (I know I do ), but asking is polite.

Do I perform tasks expecting a "gift"? No - especially from this guy. And I'm sure he's said a verbal "thanks" a few times. But he has the $$, so a little "token" would have been nice. That's not his style, though. He doesn't like buying gifts. He claims it's an annoyance, but I say self-absorption is the real reason.

He's gone this weekend. I'll let the above go, although I may bring it up light-heartedly at some point. The worst that can happen is that he gets upset and leaves. We were close at one point, but not now and I won't have an issue with this at all. LOL!

Still, as a 3-week "roommate", I will expect at least something more than "thanks". And that will be addressed when he returns.

P.S. As for personal items on my computer, I mean finances. Sure there's some porn - who doesn't have that? But that's hardly personal.

 

[No spoken words]

BRAINZ!!!!!!!




But on a serious note, this guy sounds like a jerk to me.

I did it on purpose, don't tell anyone.

 

[Galeongirl]

I did it on purpose, don't tell anyone.

I'll feast on your brain with a sharp knife then, rather than a russty spork. And I see we've yet another victim.

 

[Purplereign]

^ just don't forget your napkin and keep your elbows off the table





for the record doctorwho, manners have taken a beating in recent years and mayhaps an etiquette guide could be your parting gift to your inconsiderate friend

 

[Galeongirl]

There is no proper etiquette for brain eating. Just grab a spork and spork away!

 

[kramwest1]

P.S. As for personal items on my computer, I mean finances. Sure there's some porn - who doesn't have that? But that's hardly personal.

What's this pr0n you speak of?

 

[Galeongirl]

Figures Mark is interested in that. You're Sooooo a male PLEBAn.

 

[kramwest1]

Figures Mark is interested in that. You're Sooooo a male PLEBAn.

Am not.

And the PLEBA review I write for Friday night will be as sterile and clinical as a cancer ward.

 

[Galeongirl]

Am not.

And the PLEBA review I write for Friday night will be as sterile and clinical as a cancer ward.

We'll see about that!