FH's thread - I'll write more over time

[For Honor]

You're welcome.


Yeah, I only revise if I am actaully going to "present it", or I if I happen to overlook it sometimes. I find some things I write a few days or months later, and it makes me wonder what I was thinking. But I guess that's how it goes.


Zen and Bushido can be cold and can make one selfish, so I say I don't follow anything, because I really just go by intuition and what I feel, and I think that's part of the truth

And in my book about Zen, that is essneitially what the truth is:

If you repeat the answer someone else gives, it is false, because you did not generate it, and it is meaningless.


IN that regards, I agree with Zen.
But If I were to say what "religion" I follow, I would have to say

none

because I haven't found anything that suites me
Nothing i completley agree with
and I don't want to be dishonest about myself
(that's why i don't like politics sometimes- people ask me if I am Dem or Rep, and I really am neither)


In a way, if we want to go back to Zen, that would therefore express the common link. We are not the same, we are all different. And because we are each unique, we are thus the same in that difference. We are part of a whole, just like a cell in an organism.

Or just like a string in a garment
(String theory)

It's all the same.........

you know.........


I do follow a religion
but it's my own
It's about trancendance and unity

and really

it's not any different from any other religion
it's all about perspective.......


As cliche as it is.....
If people would understand that those "other people" you see out there, in the street, or on TV....

if people would understand that that person you see out there
is the same as the one you see in the mirror, then I think the woud would be a lot different.....


*sigh* but I don't want to get carried away.....
I can always start that conversatio wherever I leave off, so don't worry

 

[For Honor]

stuff for when I get to write next:

nodbody loves the way I love
Don't lie to me

damn,..... what timing,,,,,,,,,,, gtg

 

[For Honor]

Damn, I just missed her....
this post is written live.......


I wonder if I shoud confront her openly
I've written her emails
what's going on between us........

She's online, she's offline
are we playing tag
is she avoiding me
why?
Wouldn't it be easier to say we're through?

.....

Or is she unsure, just like me
but I do'nt know
since she won't talk
??!?!?!?!?

How is that making it easier?

damn, time to go...........

 

[ZeroDude]

You're welcome.


Yeah, I only revise if I am actaully going to "present it", or I if I happen to overlook it sometimes. I find some things I write a few days or months later, and it makes me wonder what I was thinking. But I guess that's how it goes.


Zen and Bushido can be cold and can make one selfish, so I say I don't follow anything, because I really just go by intuition and what I feel, and I think that's part of the truth

And in my book about Zen, that is essneitially what the truth is:

If you repeat the answer someone else gives, it is false, because you did not generate it, and it is meaningless.


IN that regards, I agree with Zen.
But If I were to say what "religion" I follow, I would have to say

none

because I haven't found anything that suites me
Nothing i completley agree with
and I don't want to be dishonest about myself
(that's why i don't like politics sometimes- people ask me if I am Dem or Rep, and I really am neither)


In a way, if we want to go back to Zen, that would therefore express the common link. We are not the same, we are all different. And because we are each unique, we are thus the same in that difference. We are part of a whole, just like a cell in an organism.

Or just like a string in a garment
(String theory)

It's all the same.........

you know.........


I do follow a religion
but it's my own
It's about trancendance and unity

and really

it's not any different from any other religion
it's all about perspective.......


As cliche as it is.....
If people would understand that those "other people" you see out there, in the street, or on TV....

if people would understand that that person you see out there
is the same as the one you see in the mirror, then I think the woud would be a lot different.....


*sigh* but I don't want to get carried away.....
I can always start that conversatio wherever I leave off, so don't worry

I will have to quote " We're one but we're not the same"
I believe in the good of humanity, even though we create all of the worlds problems I still see reason to believe in a common good imbedded in us all, naive that may seem but I see it, everyday in little gestures and kindness, small yet beautiful things, so thats my belief however contrived it may be

 

[For Honor]

I agree with everything you said in that post, ZeroDude

 

[For Honor]

The distance.......




I can't be close
I can't be close to anyone
no one no one
no one at all

I can talk to you
I can IM you
I can write you a letter
But you wont' know any better....

I can't be close to anyone
and belive me, have I tried
I hear PRIDE on the radio spot
but my pride has been denied

not denied, that just rhymed
But what I mean to say
is that ever time I love
and in every way I pray

without words to god
for the coming day
so that whatn I come to love
that love - it does stay


I hate trying to rhyme like that..... it;s pathetic.....


What I was trying tosay was......

I want a relationship
I want it all
I want to be married
I want to have it all

But I can't even have a friend
because I'm so far away
from everyone,........

from everyone


I can't have anything I want
Because I want the best
and the best comes to those who deserve it
so all I can do
all I can do
all I can do

is hope that I can make myself deserve it
one way or another
but really there is only one way
one way for me
the right way

if I could be loved forever by someone
but she assumed me for anonther,
and did not know the difference, I could not just say
"yeah, I'm him
I'm your love
be with me"


I can't do that
I must have sincerity
I have to
otherwise its
it's all a lie

and me
what would I be?
so would I

I'd be a lie.

 

[For Honor]

That last thing sucks, because I'm trying to write about pain when I'm a little happy........

 

[For Honor]

She's everything I ever wanted
except close to me
she tells me she loves me

and here she comes right now......

I(LIVE)

I'm geting nervous again..............

I don't know what to do!
If only I could show her
show her
shower her
with what I feel inside

.......

oh, but she must go....... my heart sinks.....
but I am happy
I;m a fool, because I'm happy just to see her
just a little bit


man........ to love someone

.......... I want to do everything to make her happy......



*ahem*

I started this post just after the last one, so about 11:40
i's now 1:30.........................


hmm............

Well, I was doing something all that time.....

 

[For Honor]

well, I'm feeling very good about myself....

someone who just has to "burn a cd" ended up staying a lot longer than that........




It's nice to be wanted.



it's all I
ever wanted........

 

[For Honor]

But is it real?

I cna't tell
I can't tell



I almost ..........



ag.............. nevemrind

 

[For Honor]

What if everything you ever loved was a lie?
And it was all fake
and it was just your mind playing tricks on you
hoping for
an impossible dream to come true

but you want it so bad
so desparately bad
tjat maybe you lie
about what is real and what is not


but then again
why is there this aching pain
inside my soul
in my heart


or

is that a lie too?
Am..... am I
a lie?

 

[For Honor]

to quote Cloud Strife....



"what is this I'm feeling?"

 

[For Honor]

"am I just a puppet?"

.......................

I wish someone would stop playing with me
Because it's as though I am just being lead to want everything that is out of my reach

Am I real?
Can I love?
Can someone feel my love?
Can she feel

..... when I cry
when I die each night without her in my arms?

Or is that just me being fooled
Just like everything else
Am I wandering
like everyone else

am I lost in the struggle to make sense
and justify

this is no fantasy
there are no enemies I can justly go out
and hunt down
and kill
there is just my mind

and there is just your mind


When you read this....
you will have no idea who is on the other side
who wrote this
but you will feel it
isn't it awkward?
To be talking to you like this?

Or am I just a puppet......

Is there anyone else who sees this
feels this hears this
or is it just me



Have I been made to love something
so that i never forget it
or have I been made to l ove
so I know what pain is

when I see my family suffer
and my friends suffer
and the pain grows
and peoeple turn to drugs and sex and alcohal to
numb themselves of their pathetic reality

at least I can say I face it
with open eyes
and honesty
it's more painful that way
but
I'm not living a lie
at least I try not to

even though I wonder if
this is all a lie

and I am too


I know I can't be weak
and I can't be wounded
I am so strong on the outside
But inside of that
I'm nothing

dammit

that's the truth, isn't it
I grasp to anything that might be secure
because I
feel weak

But to love is to be brave
I am willing to face that pain
But I am

,,,,,,,,,,,,,





what am I doing?
I don't feel anything righ tnow
I'm just sitting infront of this monitor, like for the last several hours
wasting my time
Not doing a damn thing

and i'll be tired tomorrow
again



And I"m just wasitng my time



HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYY

I want my desitny now

give me a project
give me a goal
give me soemthing to dedicate myself to
give me something real
something I can live fore
and die for

Love, maybe
Yes, it would be
as long as I could be sure that
it was worthwhile
But it' sso hard to be sure
so hard to have someone understand what I mean
when I say
what I say


I don't think people understand my honesty
and sincerity
I'm
not like others....
I don't see what they see when
they look at the world


but I have my needs
and my wants
and my hungers
even for just
a puppet


I want to move on
I have nothing to hold onto
not even a past
no memories
no childhood friends
no promises
one figment of love
but hey.......

"all things are impermanent", right?
i know I am
but I was a fool to believe love was....
or am I a fool to doubt it?


And why has my life become consumed by love now?

That's so sad.
Because there is som uch that needs tpo be done
But
then again
love is so much and if I could have it I
I woulndn need anything else..............


But that's because I make it something so great
Maybe I am a liar



all I want is something that's real

because everything I've had thus far
has crumbled to my feet
even myself in many ways

But if I could just focus on someone else, on a team.....
then......................................


but who is there to be with me?
Can she do it?



I talk about devoting my life to someone, marriage....
but...... I realize that I want someone
to devote themselves to me
to marry me
to want the love I want

to want me




That's the truth
and even though the pain is real
everythng else is a lie.


But I hope I am not too nice
to have some addicted to me
to




hahaha


to be my "slave"
my love slave
just for me and no one else.......
The ultimate Taurean desire= possesion

is that what I want?
To own someone?
Would that breech my insecurity.....
or only make it worse..



Maybe I am all wrong......
maybe the asnwer does lie in detachment


but I don't know...
I don't know


and I can barley type





But I've got work to do......
and I love commitments........

"with promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
and miles to go before I sleep"


I am so lazy
but such a hard worker
in what I do want

I just need to channel.................



my energy.............



.....and figure out what I need to do....

 

[For Honor]

personal quote:

and lastly, I'm quite thouroughly amazed that even with all my problems, I am the most competent of all these fiends that post in this thread. ....

makes me laugh.

I'm out of toilet paper, so I'm going to print out all of your responses and actually put them in a situation where they can be of use.

 

[For Honor]

for future writing:


Sometimes she needs you to be her best friend, and not her lover.

That;s the sacrifice to make - because you do care about her, you will give her what she needs and not what she wants or you want.


It is the ultimate;
it is a tradegy, but a Proud one.


"One more, in the name of love...
In the name
Of Love
What more, in the name of love....


(my god that song is awesome........)

 

[ZeroDude]

Intriguing as ever, strangely absorbing...........................

 

[For Honor]

Really? well hey, as long as someone enjoys it, that's even better.



It's funny, because I would never think to make my writings public, but, if people like them, I guess that's all the more reason to. One person a long time ago said she really loved the way I wrote, and since then, I've been slowly getting more and more public.

But really, it's still about me, a selfish reasons I suppose. Sometimes I just write to find the answer....

....can't explain it....


But anyone who reads and or enjoys my work- the pleasure truly is mine.

 

[For Honor]

"en-pough is her word" / "what we need" / "We've got en-pough"




She wants me
to take her
she wants me to be the man in her life
and I would
I would if I could....

If only things were easy,
and nothing else was there
I would love to be
just what she needs...
To be the man in her life......

She wants me
to dance close
and accidentally loose control
of what I'm doing..
...but I know that's not all

And I want to
be what she needs
Because I know that I give it to her

And I want to
be what she needs
Because I know it's what she deserves

But I can't
And I can't and I can't
and I can't....


So I guess the best thing now
is for me to just mellow out
and not worry so much...
not worry so much....

I'll be her friend
and I know, in the end,
that's best for her.....
even..
if it hurts........

but hey...........
You can't change the cards your dealt



two years ago, when I met her
she wore puffy big slippers
and we were walking outside
for a fire drill...
and I remember.......

I remember; even then
the way she looked at me.....


The way she still does now....





It's so hard
when you know
someone wants you to be theirs...


She's still the same girl
The same cute little girl, and I'll always
have a place in my mind, and maybe
even in my heart.....

Because when she looks at me
with that smile, or her frowns...
sometimes it does
just turn me
up
side
down......



and she's sexy.....
yes, she's so sexy.....
all the time...
She's so good at.....
turning me on....

But I can't just
do as I wish
because even if I did
I don't know if that's what I want...
But that doesn't matter much.....




"sometimes you can't make it on your own"


But I try to teach her
show her how to live
"I want you to know:
that you don't need anyone
or anything at all..."


But..... the more I share with her....
the closer we get......
And the more ensnared I become....


2 years ago, I know she wanted me to be
more than just a friend
but I didn't
...accept...
because......?

Because I wasn't ready, I was scared
and now, am I still running........?

I don't klnow......
Am I still running.....?

Am I still using my obligations as an excuse....
for me to say I can't do something....
or are they valid reasons.....

I don't know


but



She should know
that if she ever
needs someone to be there
I'll do all I can, even if I know it's not enough
...(en-pough)....


But......
"Listen to me now.......
I need to let you know...
You don't have to go it alone................"


I think about her more than I should
but I do
because if it was just me and her...
then I'd give her what she needs
and what she wants......

But maybe what she needs is
someone who is just a strong friend
and not a lover....

Maybe that's what i need, too.............



"..So Listen to me now....
......I need to let you know....
..........You don't have go it alone........."


And as I say those words that sound so good
I wonder who they are for
me or her.......




Maybe I can learn that
I can be a good friend
and I don't have to go all the way.....
with a girl as sexy
and worthy as her.....

We all have our faults
and I do too
but when she asks me
"do you want me?"
I can say

truthfully

"I want you"



I guess I just can't have exactly what I want
But..... being a good friend
....maybe that's

.....what we need....

 

[For Honor]

Silk Thong



A silk thong
A silk thong

That;s what's on my mind
What ryhmes with behind...

I don't know
I don't know

But I know what I would like to do
So why don't me and you

Well now
well now

I'm not saying a thing,
'cause what you want is what I bring

A silk thong
silk thong

you tease me more and more
I want you on the floor

all night
all night

Yeah, I'd do it right
don't turn off the light

Like that
Like that

I know how you like
you like it in from the back

And you do
and you do

and you know that that's good
'cause I like it that way too

mm-hmm
mm-hmm

Naked between the sheets
you tryin' to make me peak

I know
I know

what you want me to do
and as a matter of fact

I'm looking right at you.

 

[For Honor]

"Did you have a dream?"


So she asks me
did I have a dream
when I slept last night?

No, I didn't
I was too tired
from all of life

I was tired when I came home
Too tired to be on the phone
too tired to dream of you

You really are good to me
you dress up and smile for me
You make things worth while for me

I just can't get to close..
Even if it's what I want most
So I'll just have to admire you

from afar.....

But I do apprecaite you
even if no one else does
everything you do is just another cause

Do I love you? I'm not sure
but I love being friends with you
and all that you emplore

You wear yourself
and you wear it so well
I think about you very well.....

very well indeed....

So yeah, bend over
and who knows what I'll do
I know what you want me to........

But I'll just get more turned on
and let it hurt me more and more
that I 'm a victem of inaction

and a victim of my own self
waiting and obligating
passing the time as I whine

But when you talk about between the sheets
sleep naked with a silky thong
makes me want to come over there

....and lay it on strong....


Most of all, though, because I know
that you want it like that,
that you want me to let go.

Don't worry, of course i would
I'd do it right, you know I would
that's the only way I ever could

I love to please, and pleasure I will
make no mistake, I don't mind a thrill
but I like what works, and works it will

You ask me what I think, and I'll let you know
I know you're not a skank, you're not a hoe
You're just a cute little pretty horny girl I know

Good girl all the time, outside and in
but when no one is looking, you let it come in
and when you do, I question what is sin

not just for you, but for me too
I wonder what is right or wrong for me to do
Is it holy obligation, or should I try something new?


What should I do?
when I don't dream about you
.........But I want to.........

 

[For Honor]

"Pull my desk into you"

You sit across from me
You pull me into you
I don't know what to do
I don't even look at you

I know if I look in your eyes
I'll just get hooked more, suprise
And I'm not sure if it's truth or lies
But something happens in your eyes

You flirt with me about all the time
And I wonder someday if I'll cross the line
Because I one day I might just make you mine
I might just make reali-ty from rhyme

It's so hard when everything you do
Comes back and makes me think of you
Makes me wonder just what I'd do
If we're alone and it's just me and you

If the world had nothing else for me to see
Then there is no doubt about how it would be
You play all those sexy little tricks, you see
And you know idea what they do to me

I bet you wonder what I think about
What makes me make you want to scream and shout
Something get's me even when you pout
I wonder? No, I don't have a doubt

You pull my desk into you one more time
and I think about what's on your mind
'cause if you keep pulling like this all the time
I might just have to give in and make you mine

You tell me what you want with just a smile
And you whisper to me innocently how you want a child
How you love babies and how you can make it worth while
And you know that I would go the extra mile

You talk about tackling me down to the ground
Well listen, girl, don't look at me with a frown
Each time you say those things I feel so profound
I know you know you want me to push you around

I think things are settled but then you shove me from behind
I try to play the game but you always come back to my mind
You keep pushing who knows what you'll find
It might be scary good if we go across the line

I try to write the words but then you take my pen
and now I think about you all over again
You act like nothings happened and it's just a pen
But then you write down on my paper "think again"

You just keep leading me on, and on and on
You make it build up until I come in strong
I'd give it to you until the very crack of dawn
No wonder I wonder just what's going on

I play you games but still you're a friend
But even then I'll be there till the end
And if you dress up like that once again
Well, I'll tell you about it, friend to friend

And there you go again, you pull me in
I don't know what to do, I just smile and grin
You lock me up and make my head start to spin
But you know I know I want you to do it again

 

[For Honor]

I hope these all don't sound like rap songs, because I don't like rap. But she does a lot, and she feeds me some pretty scandelous lyrics, so it rubs off on me....

oh well.....

 

[For Honor]

I write to waste time
I do it proffestionally
There is one other thing I should be doing right now
but
it means nothing to me
I wonder why it's like this

I know I should do it
I know it needs to be done
I know that the teacher will be weird

I guess I'm just weak
I'm being a baby
pathetic

for maturity I strive
but I
can't even do my work on time
how pathetic is that

I might even just not do it tonight
it's already late
and I'm fading
I've wasted all day long
And now it 'starts all over again

I just want to start over
I'm so tired of being behind
falling behind
I'm always behind

And I hate it

But I'm comfortable with it
So that no one expectstoo much from me
I'm too damn weak to be the man
the one who is repsonsible for it all

The one who get's 100s every quarter
and it breaks me when I don't
but I'm never even close

I'm such an idiiot
a fool
I reach for the stars
but don't even bother the effort to put out my hand

and I'm sad when I don't get anywheres.......


senioritis, maybe that;s it.
But I don't understand why I am this way
I understand why I procrastinate and don't do anything
But I can't seem to do anything else but
think about it

I wonder if I will not make the honor roll
it will be the firs ttime in my life this quarter

that would be the lowest, then
in my life................





but so I write
and write and write
and write........


about what?
nothing
wasting time

but at the same time

what else do I have to d0
Just waste time

I wonder if I'm fooling myself when I think I will do that Mod
It's even beginning to bother me less and less
I'm slowly accepting

my failure


how pathetic
I've no more pride for that
I'm become broken........
-
-------------------------------


I've gotten weak in my solitude...... all these years, and now, when I am supposed to be working like a well oild machine, it all comes down

family
friends
school

it all comes down on me now.
And it shouldn't bother me
but I guess it does
and it would
and it's supposed to.....

But I jsut don't see it that way....

I don't give myself any slack, and reason for failure, but
other people do
and maybe that's why I fail.......

maybe that's why i do


I guess.........

I can't be perfect alone

and even though I don'nt need anyone
I just want someone to urge me on, and show me what i can be

someone to tell me
what i tell them,

"You don't have to go it alone"

----------------------

I got my tarot reading. And I think it's true....................



POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
There is an important place for rest and recuperation in any endeavor.

The card in the Advice position suggests a course of action which will harmonize what you want with what is currently possible.

The Nine of Wands in this position suggests that you may have done everything you can to bring the personal goals you had to a successful conclusion. For the time being, it seems as if full range of possibilities has been exhausted, and all the creative energy available to you has been put to use.

This may be a great time to lay down your concerns and enjoy a healing rest. There may be nothing more to bring to the mission unless you regenerate and restore the energy you have put into the cause.

While it is praiseworthy to give all you have for something you believe in, masochism and martyrdom would only be counterproductive to your objectives. Take a break. Certainly, no one can fault you for it now.

GENERAL MEANING
This suit, most often called "Wands" and sometimes called "Rods" or "Staves," represents initiative, ambition, drive and desire. This is the suit of enterprise and risk-taking.

The Nine of this suit usually indicates a need for rest; some time out to mend wounds and savor victories. Although it may be hard to do, this card would have you leave the field to fresher teammates for now. Release any attachment you may feel to being in a leadership role for now.

In the pictured Tarot decks, the protagonist is shown as too exhausted to be effective in defending his gains, yet resisting the suggestion to ask for help or step down. He or she hasn't had the chance to totally heal from past blows, and is still up there taking another beating. This is the fix that comes from making oneself irreplaceable. Fight off the maniacal thought that only you can save the day! Stop rebuffing loved ones who want to help you.

 

[For Honor]

But how can I let go... if I don't feel like I have anything I'm holding on to?

How can I take it easy, when I feel like that's all I ever do?
I don't work hard for anything

what am I supposed to do, take it easy from taking it easy?


....I am lazy.......


What is there to rest from?
Being my own dysfunctional self?
How can I rest from that?

I took today off, and I feel less tired
But I've not gotten anything done.

And I ...... I'm slowly beginning not to care
I wonder if that's safe

if that's healtyh


or.....

is it what is best for me....
is it what i'm supposed to do........?

It seems wrong
or am I just not used to it?




I don't know


I've................

no answers

for anything

anymore......

 

[For Honor]

Well, do you want me or not?


What's wrong with you?
You just use me for aide?
Just draw from me and I'll be there to cheer you up

And you don't have to do anything for me?




........



I idont' even feell ike writing about you,
you're not worth my words

 

[For Honor]

Once more, I realize I am alone. I understand what they say, and that's fine. But no one knows what I mean, when I say all these things that I say.

I grow weary of this....


I try to see myself as equal, but the closer I get, the more I see the contrast. There isn't anyone left for me...


....to respect completely

"Jesus, Jesus help me"


I'm alone in this world
And a fucked up world it is too....



Here are the books
Of Luke
You*ll need them
To open the seed
To see what goes on in the world

You*re in my mind
Catch the wind and hold on tight
To what we*ll find
And hear what goes on in the world

Here is all you see
Everything is made for you
From me

If there*s anything you*d like to say
that could help me in any way
Cause I*ve been waiting for so long for you to come along
Help me on that day
When you*d take over all the things that Heaven has made for you
Is there anything you think you should know?
Is there anything before I go?

Dear Father, I*m hungry, I*m cold
Dear Father, feeling terribly old
Dear Father, I don*t think I can see
I*m not feeling good like I think I should



They*re on their own
Needing their face, a place
Hope...to find the home
To see what goes on in the world

They*re who you need
To show them why they*re wrong
Oh why indeed
We need to go on in the world

Here is all you see
Everything is made for you
From me

If there*s any complication
That you*d like to talk over with me about
Cause I*ve been waiting for so long
For you to come along
We can work it all out

When you take over all the things Heaven has made for you
Is there anything you think you should know
Is there anything before I go

Dear Father, you must be putting me on
Dear Father, cause most of their minds are gone
Dear Father, they will not understand me
I*m not feeling good like I think I should

Dear Father, can I give it a miss
Dear Father, cause I*m not ready for this
Dear Father, I don*t think I can see
I*m not feeling good like I think I should

Dear Father, won*t you leave me alone
Dear Father, won*t you to let me go home
Dear Father, I don*t think I can see
Dear Father, won*t they crucify me
Dear Father, I just couldn*t do that
Dear Father, cause that*s not where it*s at now (hey)



....... no one sees what I see!!!!!

And I try, I try to tell them
to show them my love, even
I try, I Really do
sincerely........

They can take my life, but they
will not take my Pride, yest

I know.....

I know.......

but.........



What am I supposed to do?

The down side of the Rabbit/Taurus is that you're materialistic, or, in plainer terms, greedy -- as only the Ox can be. The up side is that you know exactly what to do with the money once you've got it in your hot little paws. Living a life surrounded by the finest in creature comforts and the most refined of entertainments, the Rabbit touch makes you the ultimate arbiter of taste in your circle.

You cannot abide the crass and the vulgar -- which shuts you out of much of today's societal milieu, not to mention limits your employment choices. You are convinced that you were born too late and that life was better in the past. You seek a mate of similarly refined tastes and habits, but can be easily discouraged by the prolonged search. Your weakness is a marked tendency to err on the side of self-regard.

It's no more pagan in my eyes than anything else.....

I don't know what to do.......


I really have tried
but everytime
no one understands
no one lests me know how they feel
No one treats me like a friend.....

I would do so much more, but I can't
but why is it my fault for not
being able to do it all?


But if I could, I would.........




All I see is kids and adults
and me
somewhere in between


The kids, they don't underrstand me
they are all just
looking down on me
and I treat them with respect but to them
it're merely weakness
it's nothing
it's a mess


that's why I go unseen so well
no one notices me.......
no one can pickup on me

I don't know-
am I too far ahead of the game?


I don't know....


I'm loosing respect for everthing
everyone in my life has......
fallen through the cracks.
At least my mother tries her best in her way

But no one understands
that just because I am not screaming
doesn't mean I don't need attention and love


And I don't like to say this because
they give so much, the care
and go out of their way, in a way....

but stilll......
I'm loosing my respect,

and I have no attachments anymore
no one







I don't love anyone

not the way I call love

I have holy obligation to my immediate parents.
But everyone else is dust in the wind.
no one has connected with me
and I've done what I could to try to be connected,
and even if that's not enough, it's not my fault

and I have to learn that......







so I'm alone.

I hate pop culture in all it's forms.
And I don't know anyone like me
at all.


Maybe because my kind are so well hidden
and so out of sight. But no..... I
I walk tall down the middle of the hall
blazing black blazer and black jeans and black tie today I wore.

And other days.......



I am the best looking kid in the school, you know.
Know one has the class I do.
And I live in the poorest of places

but I have the most luxurious clothes......

but then again, I just know how to select, and how to wear
(see taurus/rabbit)



I know how to love and look after, and if I don't, I learn. I strive for that.




But what is my "marked tendency to err" in self regard?


that no one understands me? no one see's what I see? no one gets it like I do?


Then I must be mad, because.....




......


..........there are so many "specialties", and uniquness-es...
The first thing I pick out
my initials......

my apparant "forced" isolation ......


no wonder no one see's what I see
no one has sen what I have seen before..... a

a different perspective.


not a better one, just.... different.......



But.......

all my life...........................



I've been

"the only one".........................

....





why?





maybe that's why it's so soothing, so good for me when I hear it.....

"nobody like you......"

"somebody to me....."

I don't think of it as myself, but someone else.
But I think I'm looking for someone like me, so I could be
well,
so I wouldn't be so differnt.



but until then.............

I will try to learn how to love with detachment...............



One more, in the name of Love.....

 

[ZeroDude]

I find it amazing how ones thoughts can grasp you, which is exactly what all of what you've wrote does, thanks again

 

[For Honor]

For Honor
Acrobat
Premium Member

Location: Isolated... in New York (state). The net is my only contact with the outside world. It's like being undercover, or behind enemy lines...
Local time:
04-18-2005 06:11 PM
Registered: Dec 2004
Posts: 474

View Journal
04-18-2005 06:04 PM -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My dad is getting worse and worse, honestly.

He's become one of those people who's mehcanisms is "well, in a few weeks it will be better, but right now it's just a hard time". (The worst part is he honestly believes himself).

And it's not just now, he's been like that for as long as I can remember, but since the divorce, he's just let go of any structure, and he's just living by emotion and feeling. He has no control since he forfeits it for trying to please others in a bizarre way to please himself.

And it's the same story for so long now...
For over a year the same thing.

I respect his wishes, and who he is, but I can't even be friends much anymore.



His lesson to me has always been: "Be careful with who you associate with". He wasn't prejudiced by anymeans, but he always was cautious about who you associated yourself with. And it's true that you do resemble the crowd you hang out with - the influence you. (Reference groups, at least).


But he has now become everything he warned me about, everything he didn't want to be. It's so ... I don't know the word. LIke blasphemy or something. Hypocracy.

I don't want to become like that.

He doesn't do drugs, and I believe him when he says that. But he's dating a crack addict, who has been through several programs and hospitals and shelters, etc. It's so strange that he obviously promotes not using drugs, yet he allows others close to him to do it.


I don't mean to be disloyal, but I can't stay close to him forever like this. He knows this. Sadly, subconciously or not, he's distancing himself more and more from me.

ANd when I go away to college, or even not considering that, I believe he will soon be gone.


ANd it's so.... disheartening.
Like seeing someone drowning and not being able to do anything about it.
Because the more I struggle the worse it effects me, so I have to sit and wait, which has become a reoccuring theme in my life.....


-----------


And it's the same thing with my friend.


I just took a field trip with her and sat next to her the entire time. I couldn't really believe it, but I found out what kind of person she is...

She's not "bad", nor am I "a good person".
But we really are different people.

I think I said it best "We are different people. What makes you happy and what makes me happy are not the same thing. And that's okay".


The most disturbing thing was that she disregards other people's feelings, and thinks she is always in the right. ANd then when someone is upset, she doens't take the blame for it (because she just doesn't consciously think about hurting other people - but that's just it, she doesn't think about other people) she doesn't take any blame for it, but tries to cheer you up.

She makes it seem like it's your fault you are upset with her.




But I caught her and explained it to her, and she didn't know how to take it. I think I actually like revealed the truth to her, and like she couldn't take it. She was laughing hysterically, and I think she might have been crying..... but she didn't show it, she was just laughing, she said.


But I don't think she's ever had someone point out the truth. What was really going on.


She's a good person, but I don't think she understands herself very well. Why she does what she does, or how she acts. She doesn't think about things like that. So when I communicated what I thought of was going on, I think she didn't know how to take it.


Anyway....
since then, (and not because I had a breakthrough with her, but more so because I figured out what her true nature is), I've sort of distanced myself from her.


She is an amazing flirt
that's because she practices all the time with everyone she meets
I didn't realize that until recently.
.....And then she wonders why things happen......
I don't think she understands the implications of her actions.

She appreciates me as a friend, but not neccesarily how I would like to be treated, so there is conflict there.



So, in conclusion, I'm just going to change how I deal with her.

all her sexy come ons and flirtings don't mean much to me anymore, because I've realized they don't mean anything to her. It's like an easy way for her to boost her esteem, (and her esteem is probably really low), so that's why she flirts all the time. It's quick and easy.....


BUt she doens't understand that it won't get her waht she really wants - a good relationship, and ideally, love.


Maybe she does understand that a little, but......



Either way, her lack of "seriousness" and meaning to he words is the opposite of me, and essentially, what I find attractive.


On the bus ride back from NYC, it she asked me
"is there anything you feel like doing right now?"

"No..." I said

"Yeah, sure" (She thought I was joking)

"Actually, I'm incredibly turned off right now"



She still had no idea what I was talking about.
ANd at that point I didn't care.
I was just so incredibly .... disgusted?
She was acting like someone I would never go out on a date with, non the less have sex with. And this was really trying our friendship.

It's because I had a shred of friendship and loylaty left that I just let her be. She is her own person....


But it was time for some U2, defintieyl.


I whipped out my CD player, and had THE JOSHUA TREE in there, and it was great. I spent the rest of the trip home "singing" (to myself, quietly, because I didn't want to wake up the bus, or anything (late)). And that was one of the best parts.

I didn't have anywhere to go or anyone to talk to, because everyone was either asleep or acting like someone I wouldn't want to be talking to, so to say.....

So, I just did my own thing.




When we got off, I saw an interesting look in her eyes. She was a little taken aback, because she was upset with me for not giving in to her come ons and being strong about my position that she was acting like a ....... well...... I was going to say a slut and a bitch, but I'll just say an immature girl who doesn't take responsability and doesn't see the big picture.

(oops, I guess I said them all anyways )

Right, well, she was taken aback at the end of the bus ride because I didn't feel bad about what I did. And I believe she respected me a lot more. She was seeking my acceptance this time, and realized that I wasn't going to be seeking her acceptance.

She said "goodnight..." sort of disspointedly, and I just said goodnight, and got off the bus.


I think the people around me respected me a lot for my actions, too, because it was pretty easy to get an idea of what was going on.


Either way, I walked off the bus with my head held high, and the Joshua Tree boosting my euphoria.


I was really proud of myself. And it made me proud of the kind of person I am, and who I want to be. A year ago or so, I would have been totally wounded that a girl wasn't talking to me, or was upset, and I would have done anything to keep a conversation going with her.

But she was fundementally wrong in my book, and that was enough for me.


Sadly, that cuts my list of people i hope to remain friends with after HighSchool down to 2, maybe 3.


But that's how I do things, always quality over quantity.


She's not a bad person, but I don't think she (I would say "in my leauge), but more so, I don't think she is in the same boat, on the same path. We don't connect in matters other than sexual attraction and understanding of some matters.

I guess I could just enjoy practicing flirting with her, because I know it doesn't mean anything to her. But she just comes across as being very superficial in everything she does.

She's a very unique girl, and talking about her makes it sound like a woman complaining about some player-type man.


But so be it.
Whenever I point out anything, she criticizes me for being judgemental. Of course I analyze everything, but besides that, she should look at how she acts.


She is one of the most emotionally and consciously immature individuals I've ever come across.

It amazed me, but that's actually the truth. Maybe I was blinded by having faith for more from her, but... She just really is not the kind of person I want to associate with, so to say.


I'm just the kind or person that demants reciprocation, respect, because I do my best to give those things. and in my mind, how I work, is that when it's not returned to me, the level I put out decreases accordingly.


Dissapointingly, she's just not someone I can invest much in.
IT's too bad,, too, because sometimes we really have some meaningful conversations about life and family. I'll try to be a good friend in that way, but, that's as far as it goes until she shows me that I can take her seriously as a person.


..... I really got carried away there...


I guess I just do that sometimes, sort of like having a cleansing thunderstorm and then a calm that follows. I feel better now

Thanks for ready any part of that enourmus........ peice of venting and whining and what not.

---
! I better stop this before I go on about something else.....!!!!

Until next time




===============================

inspiration for following posts

 

[For Honor]

The sound of all the love songs
the burning of the singer.....


That's what it is

That absolute desire
when all you want
is someone else
in everyway
especially that way.......


I hope she's not mad if she see's her words here.
But they inspire me so much
the inspire me so much
more than you know
More than anyone in the whole wide world knows....


No one can conceive it
No one can even understand what I mean
Bono can't sing it, not even him
I would say god doesn't even know, but ....
I respect him a lot

I respect her a lot, and it worries me about the things I would do
but
I respect her
I respect her too

I want to put her on high
do everything to make it right
To work for it
slave for it
pay for it


I just want it
but I want it the right way
I don't want it the wrong way
I wish.......

I wish I could marry her now
and seal my fate with her
love her, be with her forever
I'd commit, I'd do it
I'd want it.
I don't care how hard it would be
I'd deal with it
I'd live with her
I'd....
I'd live on nothing

NBC talks about sacrificial love....


For over a year.....

ANd in august
the 24th.........
It will be one year that I have loved her
ANd when I love somoene I can't take it back
I tried...


I could if she wanted me to, to stop completley.
But I .......
I believe her when she says what she says

We;ve been through it before-
I want her to be happy
She can tell me to stop
She can say "no more"
But she hasn't

She wants me to be happy
but the only rhing
the only thing
that would do it

is her.

I don't mean emotinoal high
I don't mean infatuation
I mean dealing with it
working it out

fighting
strruggling
but to do it together
with someone who wants me
who wants to be there
who wants to make it work
someone who wants that same dream

someone who wants me tol hold them
I can't even describe how it feels
when she says she wants me to hold her
when she says she wants me to be with her
Because that means
we want the same thing........


I just......
I just hope she wants what I would really want....
That would
That would be it
She's already described perfection in one sense

But it would be unbelievable if she could
manifest it into the perfect reality
the perfect couple

And don't you think I'm joking
because I'm dead serious
dead, so dead
because it's me who's dieing

.............



___________________________________
well yes......
JoshuaTreePride [2:21 AM]: but I mean
JoshuaTreePride [2:21 AM]: I'd listen if
JoshuaTreePride [2:21 AM]: something was wrong
JoshuaTreePride [2:21 AM]: or not right
&&&&&&[2:21 AM]: i know you would
&&&&&&[2:21 AM]: I know
JoshuaTreePride [2:22 AM]: but in addition to that
JoshuaTreePride [2:22 AM]: I'd want you to be getting it so good that
JoshuaTreePride [2:22 AM]: you couldn't even talk
&&&&&&[2:22 AM]: i don't at all doubt
&&&&&&[2:22 AM]: your abilities
&&&&&&[2:22 AM]: to do that
&&&&&&[2:22 AM]: i'm very sure
&&&&&&[2:23 AM]: of your capabilities
&&&&&&[2:23 AM]: and
&&&&&&[2:23 AM]: i have to go
&&&&&&[2:23 AM]: because
&&&&&&[2:23 AM]: i have to wake up soon
&&&&&&[2:23 AM]: and i'm tired
&&&&&&[2:23 AM]: but
&&&&&&[2:23 AM]: i'll be thinking of you jesse-good night
JoshuaTreePride [2:23 AM]: yes
&&&&&&[2:23 AM]: ex amino.
JoshuaTreePride [2:23 AM]: goodnight

 

[For Honor]

Hold on..... hold on tightly........

THE MOTHER OF GOD (w.b. yeats)

THE threefold terror of love; a fallen flare
Through the hollow of an ear;
Wings beating about the room;
The terror of all terrors that I bore
The Heavens in my womb.
Had I not found content among the shows
Every common woman knows,
Chimney corner, garden walk,
Or rocky cistern where we tread the clothes
And gather all the talk?
What is this flesh I purchased with my pains,
This fallen star my milk sustains,
This love that makes my heart's blood stop
Or strikes a Sudden chill into my bones
And bids my hair stand up?

---------------------------------------


DROWNING MAN




Take my hand...
You know I'll be there, If you can
I'll cross the sky for your love...
For I have promised
For to be with you tonight
And for the time that will come...



And take my hand!...
You know I'll be there, If you can
I'll cross the sky for your love...
And I understand...
These winds and tides,
This change of times
Won't- - drag- - you- - away...

Hold on, and hold on tightly...
Hold on...
And don't let go - - of my love...
(The storms will pass) The storms will pass
(It won't be long now) And it won't be long now
His love will last,
This love will last...forever...



And take my hand
You know I'll be there
If you can I'll cross the sky
For your love...
Give you what I hold dear- -

Hold on...
Hold on tightly...
Hold on...
Hold on tightly...

Rise up, rise up
With wings like eagles
You'll run...
You'll run...
You'll run and not grow weary...

Take my hand, take my hand.
Hold on, and hold on tightly
Hold on, and hold on tightly- -
(To This Love) lasts forever
(To This Love) lasts forever

...Take my hand
Take my hand...

===================
I love how they blended the last part, there - "to this love lasts forever"

It's saying three things to me, each with their own meaning



1 - "Hold on tightly to this love"
(or it could be "his love", as in God's love, but I like the romantic version of a couple fighting agaist all odds) Hold on to this love


2 - "This love lasts forever"
Basically, hold on tightly to this love, because it will last forever. Or, if you hold on tightly, then it will last forever.

3 - "Love lasts forever"
Stating that fact that love lasts forever. Real love is timeless, because it can transcend ups and downs. Love can also be seen as God, or god's love. God is love, isn't he? So perhaps, God is eternal, even.


I really like this song a lot. Love to sing it, even if the timing throws me off from time to time. Such Passion!!!

There are so many lyrical interpretations. It can be a blazing love song, or a religious song, I could even hear it being sung in church, dressed up a little. I think love is one of those things that is transcedental in that it can relate to anything, anything at all.

------


My ideal romantic interpretatio of this song is a pair of lovers exhanging messages from affar. Or a man who is talking about going to see his wife or what have to, he will go wherever he needs to, he will run and not grow weary because he loves her so.

Or perhaps there is adversity like a war going on (the WAR album), and even though the amosphere is suffocating love, the man/woman (one part of the couple) is holding on and keeping alive through/with the love.

I can see it as god speaking the whole time
But I also enjoy thinking it is a man, perhaps writting letters to his love - He has promised to be there tonight, to hold her tonight, and even though he can't, if she hold on tightly to his love, she can still fufill his promise, his wish. He even encourages her - keep running, keep chasing the dream. Or he could be speaking reflexively towards himself.




Keep running, keep chasing the dream....



=============================

Someone did a cool mix of Bono reading MOTHER OF GOD - here is the page with the link to the mp3

link directly to the mp3? I'm bad with links, pardon me

...I think for the second one I put up here, you can just "target save as" right-click it...