FH's Thread II - - - - "I am going on a journey..."

[For Honor]

Day 19



The journey is almost at its end....
I am reluctant to find what is on the other side
"Every exit is an entrance to somewhere else"

I know... that even after this minor task is accomplished,
This journey completed,
I'll just be back where I started

The only difference is...
There will be one less stone unturned
But my biggest concern is that what was underneath

Will be more than I can handle

 

[For Honor]

 

[For Honor]

Day 20 "the end..."



That's it, basically. I'm done. I won't have this hanging over my head, wondering, imagining....... it's done.


I guess it's m y own fault, if I crucify myself on my own cross.


Yet... there is something of a sense of relief, too. The journey has been worth it. The trouble is, I know that I am "alone", and I don't think there is any way I could count on anyone being there for me. I'll have no fairy tale, and no happy ending. I've got to make it happen still.........

or maybe I don't have to worry, I don't know.


NEvertheless... it just makes me realize how much I am alone. If I actually described it, no one would believe me. It's my own doing, anyway.


=

I come to a turning point. I, especially, can only do what I know. So I either learn more (probably the best), or refine what I do know. EIther way, it's going to hurt. I don't even like showing the hurt, but it does. I wonder....... which way I've been honest......

eh......

///////

=


I don't know........



I don't even know what I should do now. I mean, ....... to be totally real... there is nothing for me to do here. I'm not talking about life, I mean my current location. Maybe my current location in life, but, nevertheless....

I guess the answer is "I'm waiting for college - I'll be going there in January" But................. what am I doing today? 17th of November, 2005, AD
at 8:50am in the morning?

What? I'm doing nothing, that's what. I haven't done anything, really, for a long time now. Even in school, it was just going through the motions. It's all so empty. And yes, I do feel alone, I admit that. And yes, I am alone, I admit that. I might only see one other person today, talk to one other person today. It won't be the first time this has happened, either. But so it is.



ANd........ and now I'm thinking too much.....
But .... I need to find something to do, to keep myself busy.......
.............? so what?

Damn.... I hate this.
And I'm falling into that trap again....... emulation....
no........ more so...... I'm just being myself.

.....................

 

[For Honor]

actually, I'm fine. Maybe..... maybe just a little tired....

tired from being on a journey; tired from the other half of me doing nothing at all. Spirit and heart are tired/mind and body are weary from the exhaustion of focus and repitition of the same thing over and over again.

I need to take care of myself better..............

 

[lady luck]

actually, I'm fine. Maybe..... maybe just a little tired....

tired from being on a journey; tired from the other half of me doing nothing at all. Spirit and heart are tired/mind and body are weary from the exhaustion of focus and repitition of the same thing over and over again.

I need to take care of myself better..............

I haven't read all your posts but my eye was caught by this last one.

you say "tired from being on a journey". Do you know any person who's not travelling?
we all take stops along the way, have some rests, talk to someone... etc. etc..
But then we have to take our bags and cases and go on..

If you're lucky enough, your place on the train/bus/plane will be next to the window.
If you're REALLY luck, you'll be the driver.

 

[lady luck]

Many miles many roads I have travelled
Falling down on the way
Many hearts, many years I have rebelled
Leading uo to today

I have no regrets
there's nothing to forget
All the pain was worth this

Not running from the past
I tried to do what's best
I knew that I deserve it

 

[For Honor]

thanks, lady luck.



=


Really.... I need to look at this way:


This journey is just another test of my personal strength, because I did it all by my self. I faced some demons from my past, and still with those in my present. But as of this moment, I feel well.

It was partially a goodbye to my childhood, to some of those things everyone has to say goodbye to. Even me, who, when comaring myself to other people, dispises immaturity and "kids things". Yet........ at the same time, my inner child is reborn.

"True love never can be rent
But only true love can keep beauty innocent"

That innocence is still there, I realize. My quest for seeking something that is true is still going, but I think this "journey" will add something too it. I know everything in the materialworld is subject to change. I also know that if you know enough self control, you can control your mood, even when you are alone, and being faced with things that greatly increase your desires/sufferings.

I guess I'm learning how to overcome my greatest weakness, and learning how to allow it to become my greatest strength. But it will always be a struggle, I think

. At least for this part of the journey where I am alone...


But.........
Most people are alone.

================


What is truth............?




.....and so ending becomes beginning, again.

 

[For Honor]

Intermission.....

Intermission.....



So... the next phase for me will be to figure out what this "truth" thing is, that I am reffering to. I know everyone's truth is different and such, so it will take me some time to explian what I mean here. Let me type this out so I can remind myself in the days to come:



Truth cannot be stated in words, only alluded to, pointed at. What is the highest form of truth? Two.... ............ hmmm..........

"2".


I see now that.......... that my conclusion ...... is not one that I have alone come up with. I've heard statements l ike that before, somewhere else....


And I guess that explains so much.



=


don't mind this post, I am pretty sure that I am the only one who can decipher what it means. It would take far too long to write everything out, and at least this way, it is not hindered with a translation..........



more to come, though..........