Fatal Disaffection

[Amsie]

This is the first poem i ever wrote. I had to write it last year, for english, and it sort of inspired me to keep writing... to get all the feelings out, instead of bottling them up...

Fatal Disaffection
I feel like an Autumn leaf, blowing in the wind
Forever unstable
A human life hangs in the balance -
The balance between living -
And the knife in hand.

I feel exposed, like everyone can see into the turmoil
That is my life
My inequeties so uncovered,
And my emotions so bare.

Silent tears and unheard screams, replaying the past
And projecting the future -
Untold feelings of foreboding and despair.

Disaffection of being is what I feel
It is also what I fear.
Yet it is all I have ever known.

Never being the person others want me to be,
And never being myself,
Until I am all alone, and that familiar, awful feeling,
Blocking the back of my throat, looms -
Threatens to spill tears, on after the other.

A senseless river that cannot be ebbed,
But I know I will never be the person I want to be.

So I lie on my back, condemning
Distorted disclosures to the blue of my conscience.
And I put on my face for another day...
But the blade at my wrist lies waiting.