constructive criticism please!

[popkidu2]

I'm working on a song, it's not done, but I wanted some feedback (no pun intended

) on the lyrics. I haven't completely figured out the music yet...I keep shifting from a really hard rock song in the vein of Sugar or Cathering Wheel, to a nice acoustic one. Anyway, here are the incomplete lyrics. Tell me what you think.

"For A While"

For a while
I will believe
too many problems
for me too keep

All this shame
that I hide
broken bottles
in my dreams

CHORUS
So take this message for a while
Hold it tightly for a while

Darken rooms
in my head
open doors
beckon me in

See the ashes
in my heart
wasted feelings
on my lips

CHORUS

BRIDGE
And while I'm waiting for you to go
Don't tell me that I don't care
I can't hold on forever
But just for a little while...

2000 Nick Swogger

 

[Alisaura]

I really like this...

Sorry I can't think of something more constructive!

 

[The Wanderer]

good stuff popkid

I don't really see a need to change anything

 

[frogbat]

can't wait for the MP3

 

[Michael Griffiths]

Popkidu2,

I think the song is fabulous. I especially like the lines:

"broken bottles in my dreams"

"See the ashes in my heart"

"wasted feelings on my lips"

It's VERY U2 influenced (at least to me), and sounds like a cousin to 'The Ground Beneath Her Feet' in some places. If I could offer any constructive criticism, I suppose it would be to avoid the word "beckon," as it is almost too over-used in writing and songs. That's about all, though, as it is truly a great song.

------------------
The Tempest

 

[popkidu2]

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate what y'all have said. There's something very wierd about putting the words out in public; I'm sure you can all relate to that.

Re: Michael's comments

Yeah, I gotta agree with you there. It is very U2 influenced. It's almost frustrating sometimes how my favorite music works its way into the songs I write. I suppose every artist faces this challenge. I never conciously try and write like any of them, but I guess it justs works its way in

And I do cringe somewhat at the word beckon. One of my biggest challenges writing lyrics is to be origional. Not only do I find myself rehashing what others have done, I find myself rehashing what I have done, which is almost more frustrating. As I said, it's not finished, and I probably will take out beckon. That whole stana: "Darken rooms in my head, open doors beckon me in" probably will get changed somehow, but I'm not sure how. I do like the first line though. Well, when I finish it, I'll post the final version.

Thanks everyone

 

[Michael Griffiths]

Popkidu2,

I know what you mean about rehashing your own stuff! I have the same exact problem and, yes, it is more annoying than rehashing other people's. I still think it's okay to model yourself after and be influenced by others work, though. In fact, I think it's a GOOD thing to be influenced by great writers / lyricists, as everything needs to be, in order to evolve. Nothing is created in a vacuum, thank God! Imagine how difficult it would be to come up with something totally original with everything that has already been said? Possible, but very, very challenging.

------------------
The Tempest

 

[popkidu2]

Now, I'm getting into territory where I'm not an expert, but, you've made an interesting point. Artists that *do* create something new and unique tend to have so much pressure put on them to repeat that performance (i.e., to create another new and different thing), and, they have to watch as everyone else immitates and rips off their idea. A good example might be JD Salinger. His writing style, and what he wrote about in Catcher in the Rye was really unique for his time. Groundbreaking in fact, at least, groundbreaking in the sense that it reached a large audience. *But*, look at the consequence. He dropped off the face of the earth because of the popularity that came with the book (He actually lives about 20-25 minutes from where I grew up, but no one ever sees him). I can't really think of a band that did this, although I know there were some. Elvis perhaps. Look at the price he paid for his fame...although you could just say he ripped off a lot of good blues players I suppose.

I guess the point is, not only is it so much easier, so much safer to simply build off someone else's idea, but also the risk involved with really going out and exploring new ideas is so monsterous, I think artists in general purposely don't go too far out on a limb, even if they have a really good idea. It's an interesting thought at least.

 

[Michael Griffiths]

popkidu2,

Ya, I know what you mean about artists sometimes not willing to take that risk. If you get an artist, like U2, who are in a position to lose everything (at the top, one can only SEEMINGLY go down), it would make it difficult to go out on that limb. I don't necessarily believe this, but maybe that's why U2 released a "safe" album this time around. To give them credit, they really did try and go out on a limb with Pop, as they had with Unforgettable Fire and Achtung Baby -- and even with Joshua Tree, to some extent -- but those limbs were more "mobile" than the Pop one, if that makes any sense. They had already planted the tree -- with roots securely in place -- of the branches they decide to explore; whereas on Pop, they were trying to discover a whole new tree altogether. I think they're now coming back to the original tree -- a much more mature and settled tree -- before they, once again, branch off. Now that the real life Joshua Tree has fallen, perhaps we can draw a metaphore into an emergence of a new tree altogether. Sorry for the tangent, but I guess you got me going!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that artists need to take from the world within AND from the world outside, before they can truly make a work relevant to themselves AND the culture they inhabit. It's a continuous relationship, which sometimes becomes a balancing act. But as Bono said, you write what's in your heart, and how you feel. If you've thought about it too much, it's probably crap! I don't know what my point is. Sorry.

------------------
The Tempest

 

[popkidu2]

I see what you're saying. Good point

I think you're especially right about the thinking about it too much. I was saying in your stuck post, how some artists try to hard when they write. Whenever I've sat down and tried to write a song, regardless of the topic at hand, it comes out crap. It's when I'm not thinking, and the music and words just come to me, that it works out.

 

[Michael Griffiths]

Yes, exactly. It's when you lose the focus of things on a conscious level, and let the focal point take on its own identity, its own spirit, and it becomes more of a case of letting that become itself, rather than you searching for it. That's when something truly inspiring takes place -- when the author gets lost, and forgets the detail, and the blurriness becomes more of a guide into its source rather than a hinderence, if that makes any sense. There is a wonder in the act of discovery that takes place. It's not really a conscious act, but a creative act -- the creativity guides you, rather than the other way around.

------------------
The Tempest

 

[BabyGrace]

I love the lyrics...they're beautiful. I personally would go with a more acoustic sound on this one but then again, I have absolutely no musical talent...so don't listen to me lol!