McPhisto's Advocate
The Fly
To turn out the light
and fumble into bed in the dark
Find the headphones and put them on
To feel for the buttons and press play
To close my eyes and relax...
To hear the funeral fade away
and the trilling crickets take over
My hand creeps up to the volume dial (up it goes)
The crickets fill my head
merge with the chorus outside
To have the bass creep in, barely noticing
To hear every inflection, every burr, catch, grain, echo and particle of the barely whispered voice
murmuring in my ears
To feel it building, pressure... louder, louder
To feel my foot moving to the beat, the beat, the beat
then my leg... both legs
To hear it break apart into glorious chaos
turbulent insistent cacophony
My fists are clenching, pounding the mattress, my chest -
Stillness...
To breathe again...
Crash - again! Again and more!
To shove doona and blanket aside
To have all of me moving in different directions, kicking and flailing
To feel my hands all over may face and hair, my nails biting my palms, scratching my cheeks, forehead, scalp, neck...
To convulse into a foetal ball and fling my limbs out again
jaw gaping in a silent scream
feeling it all and letting it out
Finally relaxing again as it grinds to not quite a halt...
To feel sweat cooling on my face and arms
To be utterly still except...
To feel my heart's pulsing ruled by the dwindling bass
Until that too fades away...
To sieze these things, to write them down
in the dark by the light of a dying torch,
quivering in a shaking hand.
------------------
I feel Numb...
[This message has been edited by McPhisto's Advocate (edited 04-22-2001).]
and fumble into bed in the dark
Find the headphones and put them on
To feel for the buttons and press play
To close my eyes and relax...
To hear the funeral fade away
and the trilling crickets take over
My hand creeps up to the volume dial (up it goes)
The crickets fill my head
merge with the chorus outside
To have the bass creep in, barely noticing
To hear every inflection, every burr, catch, grain, echo and particle of the barely whispered voice
murmuring in my ears
To feel it building, pressure... louder, louder
To feel my foot moving to the beat, the beat, the beat
then my leg... both legs
To hear it break apart into glorious chaos
turbulent insistent cacophony
My fists are clenching, pounding the mattress, my chest -
Stillness...
To breathe again...
Crash - again! Again and more!
To shove doona and blanket aside
To have all of me moving in different directions, kicking and flailing
To feel my hands all over may face and hair, my nails biting my palms, scratching my cheeks, forehead, scalp, neck...
To convulse into a foetal ball and fling my limbs out again
jaw gaping in a silent scream
feeling it all and letting it out
Finally relaxing again as it grinds to not quite a halt...
To feel sweat cooling on my face and arms
To be utterly still except...
To feel my heart's pulsing ruled by the dwindling bass
Until that too fades away...
To sieze these things, to write them down
in the dark by the light of a dying torch,
quivering in a shaking hand.
------------------
I feel Numb...
[This message has been edited by McPhisto's Advocate (edited 04-22-2001).]
