Atoms

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Loafer

The Fly
Joined
Jul 22, 2000
Messages
48
Location
LA, CA, USA
"Atoms"

Underground
On a rail headed nowhere
Lost in the morning
Lost in the tile pattern at my feet
Lost in somber thoughts of cubicle coffee cubicle coffee cubicle coffee cubicle coffee coffee coffee coffee cubicle coffee cubicle cubicle cubicle coffee cubicle coffee coffee...
-A hiss and a click.
A rush of air.
A whisper of skirts and a glance to sleep-laden eyes...
just another passenger on this dreary ride.
One more drone to work in the hive.
One more soul crossing the riv-
-A brush of hands!
A rush of sensation!
Somber thoughts of the morning scatter like thoughts somber
An electric connection between two separate hands...

...its just atoms...

Outside
In the chill air of an orange glow city night
Sharing a cigarette beside the discoteque.
Faded staccato bursts of thumping bass, we ignore
Sweat crisps to the skin, steam rises from shoulders.
Matted hair across your eyes, my fingers yearn-
Brilliant orbs reflecting neon glow
Apart, still we touch
Breath coalesces between us
Warm as the smoldering end between my fingers
-Flick!
We meet
Thoughts cease
Eyes close
Sounds mute
There is only the joining of our lips...

...its just atoms...

Huddled
Shivering, shaking, arms wrapped tight
-its not cold.
Stiff and sore
Smell of sweat and alcohol, not mine
Body covered with that very slime
Tissue ice pack on my head, what?s this what?s that, blurred as you, lost as me, in the clear - you?re downstairs, hear your steps, towards the fridge, one more beer, and you?re here, pain - burning my mind, wildfire memories: that punch that slap that kick that fuck...

...atoms...

[This message has been edited by Loafer (edited 11-03-2000).]
 
some night, huh?

I'm still reeling from it myself...

Matted hair across your eyes, my fingers yearn-
Brilliant orbs reflecting neon glow
Apart, still we touch
Breath coalesces between us
Warm as the smoldering end between my fingers
-Flick!


brilliant!

blurred as you, lost as me

atoms...
 
thanks for the feedback, wanderer. Does anybody else out there have some input? What works and what doesnt? I'd really like help getting better at this as I've only lately tried my hand at poetry.

I like the ending when her mind overloads and all these thoughts run though, and i like the part wanderer pointed out and like the line "somber thoughs of the morning scatter like thoughts somber" but I dont know what else works!

Someone help me out, Id like to get better!
 
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