LemonMelon
More 5G Than Man
Over the past two years, I've been working on an album, and over the weekend I managed to write the final song for it. However, I am not at this time able to record it, as I don't have access to recording equipment. I recorded 8 of the songs, but the rest will remain on the shelf for the time being. So, I decided to post the lyrics here so I can get input on them even if there won't be a complete album out there for a while.
The name of the album is Cherry Blossom Avenue, a reference to the giddy early beginnings of a passionate relationship. The album is a full-length story, with names omitted in order to keep the album as universal as possible. I am getting married in a couple of weeks, and this album draws from my recent experiences in love, but it's largely fictional. As dramatic as things can be, this story had to be spiced up significantly, and the main characters are decidedly insecure and fucked up, resulting in the conflicts throughout. The protagonist is heartbroken at the beginning of the story due to a recent breakup, and throughout finds love and trust with someone else. Of course, the baggage from the previous relationship, as well as his own selfishness, kind of sinks the couple repeatedly throughout.
There is a specific timeline over which the album runs: it starts on New Year's Eve and winds its way through sometime in late October of the following year. There are references to the seasons throughout the album that help you figure out where you are in the timeline, and it's made pretty clear by the album's bookends.
So, yeah, here you go, the product of two years of writing:
New Year's Dissolution
I can only blame the night before
And my friends, and that whore
The way I'm leaned up against the wall
Praying no one comes in to shake me out of it all
The holidays were pretty green
But the smiles were readily seen
Even mine
Oblivious to all the warning signs
Following my tracks in the snow
Hearing once more what I already know
Before I know it, they've disappeared
It's going to be another three dog year
And now it's brand new
But you're still asleep in my room
So I passed out on the stairs
As a new lover softly strokes your hair
That was probably my cue
To take up a less pitiful view
I promise I don't think that much of myself
I just can't imagine you with anyone else
In the most desperate of times
It's funny what sticks out in your mind
Plastic poinsettia and lovelorn greenery
The way you never looked past your shoulder put the fear of God in me
I see your tracks in the snow
Reflecting the headlights' hopeful glow
And I recognized your knock
I knew I shouldn't have opened the lock
The shadows cast blue on the trees
The cold casts red on your cheeks
And when I was cast aside
You left me pale and weak
A week goes by but it feels like more
I refuse to go anywhere except for the store
Condescending voices blare through the phone
If I weren't disheveled, I'd still feel alone
But on that most detached of days
Each second doubles the pain
A thought finally crosses through
As I sip my glass in vain
I never believed a smile was lighter than a frown
Until the cold split my face in two
And it's up to me to look after myself
If I can no longer look after you
The holidays are packed away and gone
And I'm always awake past the break of dawn
I've done everything to avoid my empty bed
Blacked it out, slept somewhere else instead
But even if that was my last kiss
No man is young enough for this
This was our New Year's Dissolution
But I come out with only scratches and contusions
I'll no longer bother with unfaithful fodder
This year’s girl will blow you out of the water
Questionnaire
A friend of a friend of a friend said that they knew you
It ain't romantic, but I'd take someone half as good, if you want to know the truth
You think ambivalence is equivalent to not playing fair
I'll proceed with care, but I need to fill out this questionnaire:
Do I love you just because you're there?
Would I really care
If you weren't so receptive?
And what are my objectives?
People are so very cold
And pure as the driven snow
But this may just be the girl
Who makes me start to unfurl
My friends of your friends of your friends don't seem to approve
They think I want to spend my youth on you
I tell them it's useless to me now, and then
You find ways to give it meaning again and again and again and again and again
Do I love you just because you're there?
Would I really care
If you weren't so receptive?
And what are my objectives?
You want my heart
It all seems so soon
You want my soul
For us to stay in tune
But will we drown
In all the tears I wring from you?
Sprung on me like the April
I've been longing for
Too in love to notice
I'm not the same man anymore
I forget each time we're apart
And when you walk through that door
You strengthen the frame
My days leave so sore
Do I love you just because you're there?
Would I really care
If you weren't so receptive?
Your father asked me my objectives
And I can't answer
Not when we're both holding the lance
And it's not an easy question
But I've got to ask
Will I still be willing to fall on it
Once this feeling has passed?
Silent At The Start
I think I played it well
Our conversations never went dead
Made the best of an empty wallet
And never had a swollen head
We return to the apartment
Silent and still
I sort through the mail
You make sure not to forget the pill
I walk into your room
You're sitting on the bed
I could only hope it was my charm
But nothing at all could be said
All was well to start
It's nothing we hadn't done before
But I knew this would be a special night
When you started reaching for the dresser drawer
It's silent at the start
Have we started yet?
When you look so pale
It's hard to assume the best
Not knowing where to begin
With it all there in front of me
I play it cool, pass it on to you
"I can be anything you want me to be"
I sign us to the same team
"I'm trying my best for you"
But I can't look you in the eye
Because I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do
It's silent at the start
Have we started yet?
When you look so pale
It's hard to assume the best
If I couldn't please you
Would it break your heart?
I can't get out of my head
And we both know that's the hardest part
You say you need to go wash up
And of course I can't refuse
To simply say that we’re finished here
Would be a much more comforting excuse
I turn on my side and look out your window
The moon hasn't moved an inch in the sky
Now more than ever
I wish I had turned off the lights
I've been staring out so long
I notice the leaves browning around the edges
A PTSD menthol is struck
I can feel myself hanging off romance's ledges
Then you put your arm around me
And you say all that matters to you
Is that you love me and that we're together
And not to let this tension stew
My eyes widen in the dark
You compiled all the wisdom on my shelf
Into a beautiful couplet
I wish I could have recited myself
I take a much-needed breath
You seem content and slip away
That seems proof enough
I can try again another day
The Morning After
She has eyes that sparkle
In the rain that’s been following me
It was picking up to the point
Where I could hardly see
It stifled my lungs
But my words never set me free
Any given night you could find me
Curled up on the floor
You could dodge them in your sleep
But those wolves were always at my door
It’s now the morning after
The dawn has silenced their roar
The winter’s fading purity
Paints my glass with frost
Its cold spell is about to break
But I’ve already paid the cost
Now you’re the reason I’m in tears
This river is one I know I can cross
We are the twang in each other’s creak
And it’s a respectable sound
I was not yet ready to rust
But I was the next one to impound
Lay yourself in my arms
And we’ll make the silence profound
The evening is drenched in electricity
But I return home alone
Undo the scratched-up lock
And hear the fluorescents drone
But I concede to sleep
Yours is a love I own
I’m conceding now
To a love that I own
Grass
Every sedate Sunday
We've made a habit
There's a gate we walk by
The overgrown vines catch my eye
Behind it could be flowers or thorns
From it the birds go airborne
You had broken the placidity with your pace
All the birds but one had left the gate
Listening with you to a night silent and still
I want to traverse with you, but I know I never will
My legs are restless, but I won't walk down the ave
Take solace in whatever grass we have
I had never seen him soar
He was duller than when I'd seen him before
From a buoyant blue to fading grey
I wish I knew what he would say
This is a town I have outgrown
But his was a corner left unknown
I can’t follow the sunset and it makes me hateful
Pull me down before I become ungrateful
Listening with you to a night silent and still
I want to traverse with you, but I know I never will
My legs are restless, but all things surely pass
Pay no mind to our neighbor's greener grass
His vision is solarized
My memories are saturated
But any reprieve I can get
Would be appreciated
The summer is pregnant with song
But by your side I can't go wrong
Her child isn't mine
And I will remain faithful
I came back next week with her in tow
Hoping to learn from your waning crow
You were tangled in the vines and grounded
She ignored your body, I rebounded
We held our hands and swung them
Like our child was already born
I feel unsteady
I fear for him already
Northern Star
I've been having this recurring dream
Since the day you said you first loved me
We lie together and I wonder why
You can't see me in the bed beside
Give me one reason why I should stay
I could name a thousand to take you away
Ten thousand would still leave me on my own
I think of more while you cry over the phone
I only wish that they could let go of the past
Your father has you locked up behind the glass
You never went away with me last semester
So I can't see the need in having you sequestered
Through streamers and flashbulbs and glimmering eyes
You told me that there would be no more lies
One day it would be just the two of us
Now I wonder if that day can come soon enough
Don't remember that I fled
When you're alone in our bed
I always wanted to guide you far
And be your northern star
I slam the door and turn the key
To the sound of fading screams
Walking up in a t-shirt and faded jeans
You ask what all of this means to me
If you could forgive me for being in love
If you could forgive me for being so young
If you could forgive me for what I've done
Maybe this can finally start being fun
Cherry Blossom Avenue
Took her hand, no demands
On a day as lovely as I've seen
I had convinced myself
That she was all I'd ever need
But by the time
We had reached the first bend
I was left asking
Just what it was I said
We stepped aside, couldn't deny
That we had to take a break
I was asking why her eyes were glassing
She looked half awake
She was feeling doubts after our last bout
And wouldn't look me in the eye
The conversation flatlined
When she ignored my reply
I pondered to myself
Why it was she made no sense
I probably wasn't even there
For that argument
Then I'm reminded
That it hasn't always been this way
Crying inexplicable tears
Every kiss on display
And I still have hope
We'll regain that rapport
Even though it'll never be
The way it was before the war
So let her know without her
You'd never be the same
Meet her in the middle of the night
To make up in the pouring rain
Never mind what clothes to take
Don't question if you've made a mistake
Keep it fresh in pastures of green
Never preserve the autumn leaves
Give her all the love she's due
But take care on Cherry Blossom Avenue
Right when she was about to question
If we should turn back
A friend of hers came to tag along
And we forgot we were off track
I would sacrifice everything I have
To mend our relationship
But sometimes I want to leave you by the side of the road
And just be done with it
Reason
I found someone to take your place
Just because I could
I didn't want my stilling lake disturbed
I hoped she understood
She never laughs at my jokes
Yet another missing crutch
They never seemed much better to me
But you never agreed as such
Any reason I can find
Not to take the long walk home
At least I won't be spending the night alone
From the moment we first met
I wanted you close to me
Now my idea of getting to know her
Is gawking at a silver screen
Any reason I can find
Not to be run through your fine-toothed comb
I know that we can build a happy home
But for now she's furious with me
Yet she's the last thing on my mind
Perhaps you weren't so bad after all
Perhaps that's the worst reason I can find
And when she leaves tonight
No one will be left to say
"Without your love
There's no reason to live anyway"
Of when I became so dedicated
I'm not entirely aware
But I'm reserved to you
It's like she's not even there
If there's any reason I can find
I'm easily disarmed
I'd trip over my tail
To fall into your arms
White Elephant
We’ve just discussed settling down
I’ve already taken to my car
I’ll be in fourth gear
Until I can see the stars
Dialing up a frequency
To block out the whine
Of the tailgaters, engine or you
I can’t quite tell this time
When I want to break the silence in sixteenths like a billiard cue
When I feel like being the man who just passes through
When I want to drive drunk on the scenic route
My little white elephant will stamp it out
If it’s a girl how could I
Stand to see her in a dress
That today makes me turn my head
And reach out to caress?
How could I bring her into a world
Full of men like me?
And can I raise our son
To be the man I’ll never be?
When I want to spend Christmas alone to ponder why we bother
When I take a walk at night and leave you to caress the comforter
When I wonder if it’s healthy to spend this much time in my head
My little white elephant will stamp it dead
When I start to feel like I know a single thing
When narcissism makes me feel like a king
When all is about to be left in doubt
My little white elephant will stamp it out
I can’t stand the thought of a world
Where I can never be alone
Where nothing surprises me
And life’s miracles leave my mind blown
And when I want to indulge myself
Can I only turn my pen to you?
I can’t write about anything else
I think its mother will attest that’s true
I think I only want you
To have an excuse to play
And indulge in the games
I had to cut out of my day to day
An excuse to open up
And leave someone else to swipe
At the cobwebs
That never see the light
You say my habits
Aren’t too good for me
And I’m inclined to believe it
Walking in at 6:30
I see you in the kitchen capering to show off your maternal side
You’ve dusted off your apron I sluice through your egg and grimace at the sight
You show a smile to me
You always want a smile from me
That yolk I don’t pity
Because this is something it won’t live to see
I’ve got a lot of bad habits
God do I ever want a beer
But don’t call me adolescent
I have no desire to disappear
Just As Well
On that bleary morning
We chose our wedding hall
I'd seen you once too many times
And could feel nothing at all
I claimed you as my one and only
With the love that I confessed
Now all that I can ask myself
Is just how lucky was my guess
Couldn't escape you when I closed my eyes
And refused to bind up the ties
The closer I got, the further I fell
So maybe it's all just as well
All those late nights on the phone
Knew just how to perform
Now the silence blurs my vision
With all the dew that forms
All the warmth in this bed
Can be found on your end
It's easy to forget why I'm here
When all you wanted was a friend
Every girl I see becomes my world
I think of you and still feel their allure
Never knew just who to tell
But maybe it's all just as well
Maybe it's all just as well
So many memories left to sell
All is still when I roll over
And you're there at the break of dawn
Darling, I know that I can make it through
If you want to carry this on
Just give me another chance to love
Without you, I'd be dead
It's just as well, after all
Where could I be instead?
Only One Night
You walk out the door and I'm left all alone
The lingering touch of your hand on my bones
All others feel slight
It'll get me through the night
Staring straight ahead, I turn my head
Receiving a call from a friend
On the mend, he skipped class
Wants me to pitch in for gas
He tells me that I've held on too tight
Reminding me that it's only one night
I dress up sharp and break a sweat
To impress someone I haven't even met
When we arrive and walk inside
The strobes reveal me only half the time
My friend's looking out of his peripheral
To see if he can get a read on her
She looks right at me, then ten seconds longer
All I can think is that I need something stronger
I wonder what she could see in me
And if anything is truly free
He sits down and says that this will pass
But I can see he's already drunk off his ass
She looks so good with my vision smeared
But this is my greatest fear
Why do I keep staring when I know
It'll never be the same when we're alone
Or when I hear your voice on the phone?
Looking through an empty glass, full of despair
She comes up to me, walking on air
She asks for my name, I ask for hers too
I hope I haven't just fallen in love with you
He falls off his stool, we let out a laugh
I know she's found her open path
She tells me that she lives nearby, if we need to dry
Somewhere, I know you just let out a sigh
And I realize that you'll never know
Though something sinking tells me it's not so
But who's to say what's wrong or what is right
When all we've got is this one night
Guess I'll Turn In Early
It’s only 1 o clock
I couldn’t even make her last
She left me wandering home
With a stained bus pass
Figured I would have until noon
Before my sins awoke me rudely
The passion has already oxidized
I had to leave her coolly
Booze has a high freezing point
But I can feel it in my joints
She couldn’t see it then
But I’ll never be seeing her again
When my eyes are this blurred
Stoplights stretch down the road
Tailing like searchlights
To drag me back home
I’m in neutral now
Running on the last of the head
I’ve never felt so loved
Where are my friends when I’m hanging on by a thread?
I seek the streets for another beating heart
For something to mimic
Something to live vicariously through
I shouldn’t leave when I don’t know my limits
I console myself with the night
Think of me as a rebel without pause
Crawling through neon strips and cocktail napkins
Dodging sobriety’s jaws
But I don’t care if you spot me
You’re still a sight for bloodshot eyes
Avoiding you
Helps my helixed logic grasp at straws
When my eyes are this blurred
Stoplights stretch down the road
Tailing like searchlights
To drag me back home
I’m in neutral now
Running on the last of the head
I’ve never felt so loved
Where are my friends when I’m hanging on by a thread?
So I’ll make friends with that bum
I’ll make friends with the curb
And the flooding gutter
Accepting the street’s deadbeat blood
OK, I’ve got to get it together
Got to wash my face
Got to get out of third person
Got to find my steady base
Seems so long since I was drinking honeysuckle
Now I’m guzzling wine made from the stuff
Clutched at mom’s skirt like I do yours today
She’d gasp if she saw me this rough
I sometimes notice that I’ve moved on
To a remarkably similar home
Hated how your every third word was “like”
Now the only voice I hear is my own
It’s coming undone
My thoughtless scrawl
I don’t know who to blame
But I’m finally making myself known to all
But the warmth is fading now
The darkness is fading too
The haze drifting off in low spirits
Allowing me now to see you
I’ve melted on the road
Bottled myself up but good
Your face stays firm
You stare me down like I never thought you could
It’s a deus ex machina
A blessed mistake
I’m back in my own bedroom
Love is all that it takes
It’s a deus ex machina
It's a blessed mistake
But I don’t see that look you used to give me
No, not even a trace
Harvest Moon
We’ve being waiting for this night since day 1
I've got to commit to myself or you
Hanging low, eavesdropping on us
Is a swollen harvest moon
The time we shared was less summer lovin'
Than one of those summer flus
A fever I didn't know I had
A game of Marco Polo in cotton wool
A total waste of time
The time of my life
This is your attempt to reach out to me
And I find myself sitting down
Across from you, at arm’s length
I never I thought it would be like this 6 months on
It was easy to smile before you got to know me
But now all we can do is frown
In the candlelight I can’t help notice
What’s left of us is melting down
And you say it's OK
That's OK; it's what they all say
Your smile must mean something, surely
But you haven’t been sincere since it got dark early
And it hasn’t meant much to me
Not since I began to value being free
Your words become unintelligible
As you cry over the inevitable
Because you were the one dragging us through
And I shouldn’t have expected you to
But you failed
And I've got to admit it's true
Before I'm left sucking the blood
From a rupturing harvest moon
I ask to step outside for some fresh air
It’s all I really wanted from you
You want to bottle up your tears
You want to validate something that’s no longer true
And I love you for trying
Though I realize the fruit has gone rotten
What I wanted out of this
I’ve long since forgotten
I should remember to trust your judgment
You chose to track me through the bitter cold
It’s not evident in your embrace
Yet I seem so cool with my head hung low
You ask me an honest question
If I feel we should go on
When there’s a dialogue
I always drop the baton
I want to find our trouble’s root
I want to help you dig for it
When I hear our remains crackling underfoot
The name of the album is Cherry Blossom Avenue, a reference to the giddy early beginnings of a passionate relationship. The album is a full-length story, with names omitted in order to keep the album as universal as possible. I am getting married in a couple of weeks, and this album draws from my recent experiences in love, but it's largely fictional. As dramatic as things can be, this story had to be spiced up significantly, and the main characters are decidedly insecure and fucked up, resulting in the conflicts throughout. The protagonist is heartbroken at the beginning of the story due to a recent breakup, and throughout finds love and trust with someone else. Of course, the baggage from the previous relationship, as well as his own selfishness, kind of sinks the couple repeatedly throughout.
There is a specific timeline over which the album runs: it starts on New Year's Eve and winds its way through sometime in late October of the following year. There are references to the seasons throughout the album that help you figure out where you are in the timeline, and it's made pretty clear by the album's bookends.
So, yeah, here you go, the product of two years of writing:
New Year's Dissolution
I can only blame the night before
And my friends, and that whore
The way I'm leaned up against the wall
Praying no one comes in to shake me out of it all
The holidays were pretty green
But the smiles were readily seen
Even mine
Oblivious to all the warning signs
Following my tracks in the snow
Hearing once more what I already know
Before I know it, they've disappeared
It's going to be another three dog year
And now it's brand new
But you're still asleep in my room
So I passed out on the stairs
As a new lover softly strokes your hair
That was probably my cue
To take up a less pitiful view
I promise I don't think that much of myself
I just can't imagine you with anyone else
In the most desperate of times
It's funny what sticks out in your mind
Plastic poinsettia and lovelorn greenery
The way you never looked past your shoulder put the fear of God in me
I see your tracks in the snow
Reflecting the headlights' hopeful glow
And I recognized your knock
I knew I shouldn't have opened the lock
The shadows cast blue on the trees
The cold casts red on your cheeks
And when I was cast aside
You left me pale and weak
A week goes by but it feels like more
I refuse to go anywhere except for the store
Condescending voices blare through the phone
If I weren't disheveled, I'd still feel alone
But on that most detached of days
Each second doubles the pain
A thought finally crosses through
As I sip my glass in vain
I never believed a smile was lighter than a frown
Until the cold split my face in two
And it's up to me to look after myself
If I can no longer look after you
The holidays are packed away and gone
And I'm always awake past the break of dawn
I've done everything to avoid my empty bed
Blacked it out, slept somewhere else instead
But even if that was my last kiss
No man is young enough for this
This was our New Year's Dissolution
But I come out with only scratches and contusions
I'll no longer bother with unfaithful fodder
This year’s girl will blow you out of the water
Questionnaire
A friend of a friend of a friend said that they knew you
It ain't romantic, but I'd take someone half as good, if you want to know the truth
You think ambivalence is equivalent to not playing fair
I'll proceed with care, but I need to fill out this questionnaire:
Do I love you just because you're there?
Would I really care
If you weren't so receptive?
And what are my objectives?
People are so very cold
And pure as the driven snow
But this may just be the girl
Who makes me start to unfurl
My friends of your friends of your friends don't seem to approve
They think I want to spend my youth on you
I tell them it's useless to me now, and then
You find ways to give it meaning again and again and again and again and again
Do I love you just because you're there?
Would I really care
If you weren't so receptive?
And what are my objectives?
You want my heart
It all seems so soon
You want my soul
For us to stay in tune
But will we drown
In all the tears I wring from you?
Sprung on me like the April
I've been longing for
Too in love to notice
I'm not the same man anymore
I forget each time we're apart
And when you walk through that door
You strengthen the frame
My days leave so sore
Do I love you just because you're there?
Would I really care
If you weren't so receptive?
Your father asked me my objectives
And I can't answer
Not when we're both holding the lance
And it's not an easy question
But I've got to ask
Will I still be willing to fall on it
Once this feeling has passed?
Silent At The Start
I think I played it well
Our conversations never went dead
Made the best of an empty wallet
And never had a swollen head
We return to the apartment
Silent and still
I sort through the mail
You make sure not to forget the pill
I walk into your room
You're sitting on the bed
I could only hope it was my charm
But nothing at all could be said
All was well to start
It's nothing we hadn't done before
But I knew this would be a special night
When you started reaching for the dresser drawer
It's silent at the start
Have we started yet?
When you look so pale
It's hard to assume the best
Not knowing where to begin
With it all there in front of me
I play it cool, pass it on to you
"I can be anything you want me to be"
I sign us to the same team
"I'm trying my best for you"
But I can't look you in the eye
Because I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do
It's silent at the start
Have we started yet?
When you look so pale
It's hard to assume the best
If I couldn't please you
Would it break your heart?
I can't get out of my head
And we both know that's the hardest part
You say you need to go wash up
And of course I can't refuse
To simply say that we’re finished here
Would be a much more comforting excuse
I turn on my side and look out your window
The moon hasn't moved an inch in the sky
Now more than ever
I wish I had turned off the lights
I've been staring out so long
I notice the leaves browning around the edges
A PTSD menthol is struck
I can feel myself hanging off romance's ledges
Then you put your arm around me
And you say all that matters to you
Is that you love me and that we're together
And not to let this tension stew
My eyes widen in the dark
You compiled all the wisdom on my shelf
Into a beautiful couplet
I wish I could have recited myself
I take a much-needed breath
You seem content and slip away
That seems proof enough
I can try again another day
The Morning After
She has eyes that sparkle
In the rain that’s been following me
It was picking up to the point
Where I could hardly see
It stifled my lungs
But my words never set me free
Any given night you could find me
Curled up on the floor
You could dodge them in your sleep
But those wolves were always at my door
It’s now the morning after
The dawn has silenced their roar
The winter’s fading purity
Paints my glass with frost
Its cold spell is about to break
But I’ve already paid the cost
Now you’re the reason I’m in tears
This river is one I know I can cross
We are the twang in each other’s creak
And it’s a respectable sound
I was not yet ready to rust
But I was the next one to impound
Lay yourself in my arms
And we’ll make the silence profound
The evening is drenched in electricity
But I return home alone
Undo the scratched-up lock
And hear the fluorescents drone
But I concede to sleep
Yours is a love I own
I’m conceding now
To a love that I own
Grass
Every sedate Sunday
We've made a habit
There's a gate we walk by
The overgrown vines catch my eye
Behind it could be flowers or thorns
From it the birds go airborne
You had broken the placidity with your pace
All the birds but one had left the gate
Listening with you to a night silent and still
I want to traverse with you, but I know I never will
My legs are restless, but I won't walk down the ave
Take solace in whatever grass we have
I had never seen him soar
He was duller than when I'd seen him before
From a buoyant blue to fading grey
I wish I knew what he would say
This is a town I have outgrown
But his was a corner left unknown
I can’t follow the sunset and it makes me hateful
Pull me down before I become ungrateful
Listening with you to a night silent and still
I want to traverse with you, but I know I never will
My legs are restless, but all things surely pass
Pay no mind to our neighbor's greener grass
His vision is solarized
My memories are saturated
But any reprieve I can get
Would be appreciated
The summer is pregnant with song
But by your side I can't go wrong
Her child isn't mine
And I will remain faithful
I came back next week with her in tow
Hoping to learn from your waning crow
You were tangled in the vines and grounded
She ignored your body, I rebounded
We held our hands and swung them
Like our child was already born
I feel unsteady
I fear for him already
Northern Star
I've been having this recurring dream
Since the day you said you first loved me
We lie together and I wonder why
You can't see me in the bed beside
Give me one reason why I should stay
I could name a thousand to take you away
Ten thousand would still leave me on my own
I think of more while you cry over the phone
I only wish that they could let go of the past
Your father has you locked up behind the glass
You never went away with me last semester
So I can't see the need in having you sequestered
Through streamers and flashbulbs and glimmering eyes
You told me that there would be no more lies
One day it would be just the two of us
Now I wonder if that day can come soon enough
Don't remember that I fled
When you're alone in our bed
I always wanted to guide you far
And be your northern star
I slam the door and turn the key
To the sound of fading screams
Walking up in a t-shirt and faded jeans
You ask what all of this means to me
If you could forgive me for being in love
If you could forgive me for being so young
If you could forgive me for what I've done
Maybe this can finally start being fun
Cherry Blossom Avenue
Took her hand, no demands
On a day as lovely as I've seen
I had convinced myself
That she was all I'd ever need
But by the time
We had reached the first bend
I was left asking
Just what it was I said
We stepped aside, couldn't deny
That we had to take a break
I was asking why her eyes were glassing
She looked half awake
She was feeling doubts after our last bout
And wouldn't look me in the eye
The conversation flatlined
When she ignored my reply
I pondered to myself
Why it was she made no sense
I probably wasn't even there
For that argument
Then I'm reminded
That it hasn't always been this way
Crying inexplicable tears
Every kiss on display
And I still have hope
We'll regain that rapport
Even though it'll never be
The way it was before the war
So let her know without her
You'd never be the same
Meet her in the middle of the night
To make up in the pouring rain
Never mind what clothes to take
Don't question if you've made a mistake
Keep it fresh in pastures of green
Never preserve the autumn leaves
Give her all the love she's due
But take care on Cherry Blossom Avenue
Right when she was about to question
If we should turn back
A friend of hers came to tag along
And we forgot we were off track
I would sacrifice everything I have
To mend our relationship
But sometimes I want to leave you by the side of the road
And just be done with it
Reason
I found someone to take your place
Just because I could
I didn't want my stilling lake disturbed
I hoped she understood
She never laughs at my jokes
Yet another missing crutch
They never seemed much better to me
But you never agreed as such
Any reason I can find
Not to take the long walk home
At least I won't be spending the night alone
From the moment we first met
I wanted you close to me
Now my idea of getting to know her
Is gawking at a silver screen
Any reason I can find
Not to be run through your fine-toothed comb
I know that we can build a happy home
But for now she's furious with me
Yet she's the last thing on my mind
Perhaps you weren't so bad after all
Perhaps that's the worst reason I can find
And when she leaves tonight
No one will be left to say
"Without your love
There's no reason to live anyway"
Of when I became so dedicated
I'm not entirely aware
But I'm reserved to you
It's like she's not even there
If there's any reason I can find
I'm easily disarmed
I'd trip over my tail
To fall into your arms
White Elephant
We’ve just discussed settling down
I’ve already taken to my car
I’ll be in fourth gear
Until I can see the stars
Dialing up a frequency
To block out the whine
Of the tailgaters, engine or you
I can’t quite tell this time
When I want to break the silence in sixteenths like a billiard cue
When I feel like being the man who just passes through
When I want to drive drunk on the scenic route
My little white elephant will stamp it out
If it’s a girl how could I
Stand to see her in a dress
That today makes me turn my head
And reach out to caress?
How could I bring her into a world
Full of men like me?
And can I raise our son
To be the man I’ll never be?
When I want to spend Christmas alone to ponder why we bother
When I take a walk at night and leave you to caress the comforter
When I wonder if it’s healthy to spend this much time in my head
My little white elephant will stamp it dead
When I start to feel like I know a single thing
When narcissism makes me feel like a king
When all is about to be left in doubt
My little white elephant will stamp it out
I can’t stand the thought of a world
Where I can never be alone
Where nothing surprises me
And life’s miracles leave my mind blown
And when I want to indulge myself
Can I only turn my pen to you?
I can’t write about anything else
I think its mother will attest that’s true
I think I only want you
To have an excuse to play
And indulge in the games
I had to cut out of my day to day
An excuse to open up
And leave someone else to swipe
At the cobwebs
That never see the light
You say my habits
Aren’t too good for me
And I’m inclined to believe it
Walking in at 6:30
I see you in the kitchen capering to show off your maternal side
You’ve dusted off your apron I sluice through your egg and grimace at the sight
You show a smile to me
You always want a smile from me
That yolk I don’t pity
Because this is something it won’t live to see
I’ve got a lot of bad habits
God do I ever want a beer
But don’t call me adolescent
I have no desire to disappear
Just As Well
On that bleary morning
We chose our wedding hall
I'd seen you once too many times
And could feel nothing at all
I claimed you as my one and only
With the love that I confessed
Now all that I can ask myself
Is just how lucky was my guess
Couldn't escape you when I closed my eyes
And refused to bind up the ties
The closer I got, the further I fell
So maybe it's all just as well
All those late nights on the phone
Knew just how to perform
Now the silence blurs my vision
With all the dew that forms
All the warmth in this bed
Can be found on your end
It's easy to forget why I'm here
When all you wanted was a friend
Every girl I see becomes my world
I think of you and still feel their allure
Never knew just who to tell
But maybe it's all just as well
Maybe it's all just as well
So many memories left to sell
All is still when I roll over
And you're there at the break of dawn
Darling, I know that I can make it through
If you want to carry this on
Just give me another chance to love
Without you, I'd be dead
It's just as well, after all
Where could I be instead?
Only One Night
You walk out the door and I'm left all alone
The lingering touch of your hand on my bones
All others feel slight
It'll get me through the night
Staring straight ahead, I turn my head
Receiving a call from a friend
On the mend, he skipped class
Wants me to pitch in for gas
He tells me that I've held on too tight
Reminding me that it's only one night
I dress up sharp and break a sweat
To impress someone I haven't even met
When we arrive and walk inside
The strobes reveal me only half the time
My friend's looking out of his peripheral
To see if he can get a read on her
She looks right at me, then ten seconds longer
All I can think is that I need something stronger
I wonder what she could see in me
And if anything is truly free
He sits down and says that this will pass
But I can see he's already drunk off his ass
She looks so good with my vision smeared
But this is my greatest fear
Why do I keep staring when I know
It'll never be the same when we're alone
Or when I hear your voice on the phone?
Looking through an empty glass, full of despair
She comes up to me, walking on air
She asks for my name, I ask for hers too
I hope I haven't just fallen in love with you
He falls off his stool, we let out a laugh
I know she's found her open path
She tells me that she lives nearby, if we need to dry
Somewhere, I know you just let out a sigh
And I realize that you'll never know
Though something sinking tells me it's not so
But who's to say what's wrong or what is right
When all we've got is this one night
Guess I'll Turn In Early
It’s only 1 o clock
I couldn’t even make her last
She left me wandering home
With a stained bus pass
Figured I would have until noon
Before my sins awoke me rudely
The passion has already oxidized
I had to leave her coolly
Booze has a high freezing point
But I can feel it in my joints
She couldn’t see it then
But I’ll never be seeing her again
When my eyes are this blurred
Stoplights stretch down the road
Tailing like searchlights
To drag me back home
I’m in neutral now
Running on the last of the head
I’ve never felt so loved
Where are my friends when I’m hanging on by a thread?
I seek the streets for another beating heart
For something to mimic
Something to live vicariously through
I shouldn’t leave when I don’t know my limits
I console myself with the night
Think of me as a rebel without pause
Crawling through neon strips and cocktail napkins
Dodging sobriety’s jaws
But I don’t care if you spot me
You’re still a sight for bloodshot eyes
Avoiding you
Helps my helixed logic grasp at straws
When my eyes are this blurred
Stoplights stretch down the road
Tailing like searchlights
To drag me back home
I’m in neutral now
Running on the last of the head
I’ve never felt so loved
Where are my friends when I’m hanging on by a thread?
So I’ll make friends with that bum
I’ll make friends with the curb
And the flooding gutter
Accepting the street’s deadbeat blood
OK, I’ve got to get it together
Got to wash my face
Got to get out of third person
Got to find my steady base
Seems so long since I was drinking honeysuckle
Now I’m guzzling wine made from the stuff
Clutched at mom’s skirt like I do yours today
She’d gasp if she saw me this rough
I sometimes notice that I’ve moved on
To a remarkably similar home
Hated how your every third word was “like”
Now the only voice I hear is my own
It’s coming undone
My thoughtless scrawl
I don’t know who to blame
But I’m finally making myself known to all
But the warmth is fading now
The darkness is fading too
The haze drifting off in low spirits
Allowing me now to see you
I’ve melted on the road
Bottled myself up but good
Your face stays firm
You stare me down like I never thought you could
It’s a deus ex machina
A blessed mistake
I’m back in my own bedroom
Love is all that it takes
It’s a deus ex machina
It's a blessed mistake
But I don’t see that look you used to give me
No, not even a trace
Harvest Moon
We’ve being waiting for this night since day 1
I've got to commit to myself or you
Hanging low, eavesdropping on us
Is a swollen harvest moon
The time we shared was less summer lovin'
Than one of those summer flus
A fever I didn't know I had
A game of Marco Polo in cotton wool
A total waste of time
The time of my life
This is your attempt to reach out to me
And I find myself sitting down
Across from you, at arm’s length
I never I thought it would be like this 6 months on
It was easy to smile before you got to know me
But now all we can do is frown
In the candlelight I can’t help notice
What’s left of us is melting down
And you say it's OK
That's OK; it's what they all say
Your smile must mean something, surely
But you haven’t been sincere since it got dark early
And it hasn’t meant much to me
Not since I began to value being free
Your words become unintelligible
As you cry over the inevitable
Because you were the one dragging us through
And I shouldn’t have expected you to
But you failed
And I've got to admit it's true
Before I'm left sucking the blood
From a rupturing harvest moon
I ask to step outside for some fresh air
It’s all I really wanted from you
You want to bottle up your tears
You want to validate something that’s no longer true
And I love you for trying
Though I realize the fruit has gone rotten
What I wanted out of this
I’ve long since forgotten
I should remember to trust your judgment
You chose to track me through the bitter cold
It’s not evident in your embrace
Yet I seem so cool with my head hung low
You ask me an honest question
If I feel we should go on
When there’s a dialogue
I always drop the baton
I want to find our trouble’s root
I want to help you dig for it
When I hear our remains crackling underfoot
Any particular lines that leap out at you? I'm at a weird transitional stage with my writing where I'm starting to open up and write about more personal topics, and I sort of don't feel like I know what I'm doing, but it's been more fulfilling for me than anything I wrote when I was younger.
