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Old 07-20-2005, 12:08 AM   #1
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7/ /05

7/ /05



behold the night's spectre

the distant star

come to the corpse of my tower

skaken, crowded and afar

I bend my knee at the cross

amist the broken trees, I flee

hearts too broken to tell of loss

Up, rise my maiden in her sleep

she drank my blood praying at the alter

we dance in the moonlight

God came undone and made me feel her

in her pale skin I took flight

Midnight sun, crescent star

we bend the chains that bind us down

take our tango far, far, far

with burning words, will she be freed?

drifting souls, two vagabounds

take my shirt, taste my back

are you scared of me? of clowns?

and from the silent rays of the one

a gift, she sings

what great voices burn out the sun

Keep drinking my heart, a lover pleads

keep drinking, a lover bleeds
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Old 07-20-2005, 03:41 AM   #2
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"take our tango far, far, far"

I think this line comes across as being a bit daft compared to the great imagery of nearly every other string of words you've put together, sorry I pointed that out it's a great piece of writing


"God came undone and made me feel her"

Now this is fan"f@cking"tastic,

I didn't want to swear in your thread
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Old 07-21-2005, 02:34 AM   #3
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thanks...i agree, but i am/was willing to keep that tango line because of the specific meaning and the person it's about. Maybe the craft should be more honored and maybe i should take it out -I do not know.
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Old 07-25-2005, 07:26 PM   #4
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I like it.

Drink up........
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Old 07-25-2005, 07:51 PM   #5
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I actually like the "take our tango far, far far," but I'm really into the way words sound when read aloud. perhaps it doesn't fit completely with the rest of the work, but it's certainly original and is an interesting image.
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