Why do I feel sooo guilty about this?

[BAW]

You're all gonna think I'm crazy, but I feel guilty about the amount of child support I'm getting from my ex-husband.

Some background facts: We've been divorced since 1989 and I had to file a permanent restraining order because he was violent towards me. I was given full physical and legal custody of our kids and he was given no visitation rights because of his tendency to hit me whenever we were in the same room.

He was, however, ordered to pay $306 per month in child support. He was never a high wage earner so the small amount was justified because of his income. Needless to say, he never paid. His thinking was if he couldn't see his kids, he didn't have to pay. Every now and then, I would get anywhere from $15 to $200 and I always get his tax refunds. Over the years, his debt to me grew to over $45,000.

A few years ago, I contacted him by mail and told him I would consider letting him see our older son because I thought enough time had passed and maybe his anger towards me would have lessened a little but he wrote back and basically trashed me, saying I'm the reason for every bad thing in his life, he can't buy a house or a car, can't become a US citizen and can't feed the 4 other kids he has with his new wife. I knew it was going nowwhere so I just accepted the fact that I would never see any money from him and got on with my life.

Since then, Orange County has gotten really aggresive in child support collections and finally attached his wages and I started getting small checks, usually less than $200. I was happy with that because I'm not really hurting for money. Last month, I got a check for almost $600...and today I got one for almost $900. I'm assuming the county is taking almost his entire paycheck and I feel like an asshole. The check I got today includes more than $500 in interest alone

I got another letter from him last week begging me to close my case because he can't feed his 4 kids. I know I should tell him to shove it because he's never done anything for 2 he had first but I feel bad for his wife. I don't want anyone to go broke when I don't need the money that badly. It helps out but no one will go hungry without it.

I'm I being weird?

 

[bonosloveslave]

No, BAW, I don't think you're being weird at all, this sounds like a really tough situation. I'm not exactly sure what I would do in a similar place, but my thinking is this: if your kids have their needs met without his contributions, and other children are going hungry because of his poor judgement, I would let the case go. He will get his justice eventually, maybe not here on this earth, but trust me, he will ! There are so many family situations out there where the children are paying for the sins of their fathers, and I think if I was in the position to lessen those consequences, I would.

Just MHO

 

[u2loopy]

These are just a few reasons why you SHOULD NOT feel guilty for this:

....and I had to file a permanent restraining order because he was violent towards me. I was given full physical and legal custody of our kids and he was given no visitation rights because of his tendency to hit me whenever we were in the same room.

He was, however, ordered to pay $306 per month in child support......Needless to say, he never paid.

.....but he wrote back and basically trashed me, saying I'm the reason for every bad thing in his life, he can't buy a house or a car, can't become a US citizen and can't feed the 4 other kids he has with his new wife

These are my reasons. I'm sorry if that's not the answer you are looking for but YOU are finally getting what is due to you and YOUR CHILDREN. Do not feel guilty.

I know why you may feel guilty, BAW. I am the same way, when i feel someone is being put out at my expense. But you have to realize that he's a grown man, who should take his responsibilites seriously, for ALL his children,and these payments need to finally be made to you.

 

[Gina Marie]

I sympathize w/ you-that is a very tough situation to be in.I think it just shows what a good person you are that you have these feelings.

Before anyone jumps on me here, I'm not 'man-bashing'. But I think for you to feel this way is possibly the way he made you feel when he was abusive to you. I can't speak for you of course , but it seems like he's continuing this pattern of taking out on you whatever his personal issues are. And unless/until he's willing to face up to this, I think it's so unfair that you are made to feel this way.

Perhaps he should have considered what might happen when he had another wife and more kids-that was his choice

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

Perhaps he should have considered what might happen when he had another wife and more kids-that was his choice

My feelings while reading your post exactly. Also, maybe he should have thought twice about things before he hit you.

 

[daisybean]

I can kick his ass for you



Even if you did close the case...he'd still have to pay the back support. Even if the kids are 40 years old...he still owes you that money.

Don't feel bad about it.....and don't let him manipulate you. You don't need this stress in your life. If anything you can take those checks and put them into a high interest money market and save it for your kids' futures. Like Gina Marie said it's not your fault he has four other kids with his new wife....don't let him punish you for something he did.

 

[meegannie]

No, BAW, I don't think you're being weird at all, this sounds like a really tough situation. I'm not exactly sure what I would do in a similar place, but my thinking is this: if your kids have their needs met without his contributions, and other children are going hungry because of his poor judgement, I would let the case go. He will get his justice eventually, maybe not here on this earth, but trust me, he will ! There are so many family situations out there where the children are paying for the sins of their fathers, and I think if I was in the position to lessen those consequences, I would.

I agree. I don't think you should feel guilty at all, because your ex-husband sounds like an asshole, but there's no reason that the other children here should suffer for HIS actions.

My mom never paid child support to my dad until about a year before I turned 18 and when my brother was almost 15. Despite what my mom put him through, my dad knew she couldn't afford to pay it, and while he didn't have a lot of money, he could afford (just barely) to take care of us. I think your case is much different because there are four other children involved. If he REALLY cannot afford to feed those kids, I just think it makes you a better person doing anything to keep those kids from paying for his irresponsibility.

 

[nbcrusader]

I admire your compassion for your ex, but bottom line, the money is your children's money.

 

[Diemen]

I can see how you might feel guilty because you don't really need the money, but I definitely wouldn't blame yourself for the predicament he's in. HE'S the one who abused you, HE'S the one who decided to not pay child support, HE'S the one who was short sighted enough to have four children with another woman when he can't even (and more importantly doesn't even want to) support his first two, HE'S the one who lashed out at you when you tried to show some compassion, in other words, HE'S the one who's trying to get himself out of a situation that is entirely HIS fault.

If you were to call the case off, it would be an extremely compassionate thing to do on your part, but it would be letting him off the hook far too easily.

Looks to me like he's finally learning that his actions can and do have serious consequences, and he doesn't like it. Reality sucks sometimes, doesn't it?

 

[cell]

I agree with Diemen. Don't feel guilty. He owes that money. Thats his fault he didnt pay before.

I had seperated from my ex almost 2 years ago after 7 1/2 years of marriage. I had no job, and I had no real way of supporting myself. I have never been on my own before, and I have always have been 'sheltered' even before getting married. My ex was being an asshole, wanted out of the marriage, told me he was having his grandfather sell the house we live in so I have to find a place to live in a month, and from what he thought, he could get away with giving me $100.00 every 2 weeks to feed my child. How I lived on $200.00 a month is beyond me. I had to move in with my mother in a 2 bedroom house that 3 others lived in at the time. My sister ended up moving out because of this. Then my ex decided to sue for custody of my baby, thinking if he got her, then he wouldnt have to pay anything to me at all. Yeah, a real winner I had on my hands. Anyways, to make the long story short, I became a bitch and fought back in court. Now my ex pays me 1000.00 a month in child and spousal support. He lives on half a pay check and he just moved into a house that he can't afford to pay rent on. Do I feel guilty? Sometimes. But then I remember what he put me through. So its mixed emotions I go through at times. I do plan on giving my ex free groceries from my mom's church so that he can at least eat. I dont know, I can't be all that mean, I guess.

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

Now my ex pays me 1000.00 a month in child and spousal support. He lives on half a pay check and he just moved into a house that he can't afford to pay rent on.

you guys are both living on the same amount, and you have a child to support as well. if he can't live on the same amount you're living on, then i guess he's spending too lavishly.

and i agree with what everyone else is saying. don't feel guilty, he owes you and your children this money. and besides, even if you dropped the case, he'd still owe you the money he hadn't paid for so long, so he'd still be in the same situation.

 

[diamond]

I'm I being weird? [/B]

BAW-
No..
you are not being weird..however if you feel guilty about the $..
Just send it to me and I will hang on to it..
Promise

DB9

 

[nbcrusader]

Re: Re: Why do I feel sooo guilty about this?

BAW-
No..
you are not being weird..however if you feel guilty about the $..
Just send it to me and I will hang on to it..
Promise

And they say there are no more givers in this world.....

 

[BAW]

I still don't know what I'm going to do (I do know i'm NOT sending my checks to Diamond ) but I guess I overlooked the fact that even if I do close my case, he still owes me $45,000 and I can't do anything about that.

This is what happens when girls make bad choices at 17

 

[hiphop]

No need to feel guilty. Here?s what you can do: accept the cheques coming in until the 45k is covered (will take some 5 years more at least).

And ask the town house of his town or try to find out if his children are that much in need for real. With a man who hit you it could actually be just another trick he?s playing on you.

If you are finding out that his other children are really in such a bad situation, you can find another way of helping them. But never be so stupid to close the case with someone who owes you lots of money.

 

[cass]

First of all

to you for what you have been through and finding the strength. You inspire others.

You know this already, but your two children are your priority. Of course you have compassion for their other siblings, as you would for any child, but he is their father too. He has a duty.

I was seperated for a while, a grisly time. The Child Support Agency stepped in even though I didn't ask them too. It got very bitter at one stage, custody battle and all that shit, so I know how complicated and heart-breaking it can get.
Just recently I have seen a whole new meaning to the phrase"take care of yourself". It's not selfishness I don't think, it's self(including your children) preservation.
Nothing useful to say to you, just that I empathise and I wish you and your children all the best.

 

[joyfulgirl]

That's a tough one, BAW. No one can really know the right thing to do but you. What's right for others may not be right for you and your family. I tend to disassociate completley from the negative influences in my life and therefore would probably forgive the debt and move on and not look back. But you have to follow your own heart.

 

[Macphistophela]

Bono's American Wife: You should get paid every cent by this man. Do not worry, his children will not starve if he and/or his wife fight to get a bigger income. It's only fair you get the money he didn't gave you on the past years. EVERY CENT. And also, it's fair he pays and it's fair he finally becomes a man and stand up for his family needs. Open your eyes and ears: You've just received justice. Best regards...

 

[oliveu2cm]

I still don't know what I'm going to do (I do know i'm NOT sending my checks to Diamond ) but I guess I overlooked the fact that even if I do close my case, he still owes me $45,000 and I can't do anything about that.

This is what happens when girls make bad choices at 17

He owes you this money, BAW. I agree with Diemen, and nbcrusader. That money is your children's money- use it for their educations, or weddings, or their children. He owes you and them that money. Do not let him off the hook.

He will find a way to feed/care for his other children. Perhaps he can get another job. If he has to, and if he has finally become a man (TOTALLY inexcusable what he did to you!!!!) then he will work his ass off in making up for his past.

Whatever happened is not your fault. That's the bottom line. The law is behind you, I'd use it.

 

[Hewson]

My thoughts: Regardless of your current financial situation, this is money owed to you and your children. If the payments are such a burden to your ex, maybe there is a way a smaller garnish over a longer period of time could be taken until his debt is paid. That would enable him to keep a larger portion of his salary for his current family while still paying yours what they deserve. Don't know if the county would allow this considering his past record, but it might be a solution to make the best of the situation for all involved. But don't feel guilty, that money may not be as critical to you now, but I'm guessing in 1989, 1990, 1991 etc., you really could have used it, so you deserve to have it paid.