Tiger Edge
Rock n' Roll Doggie Band-aid
Hi. I don't usually do this type of stuff, but I could use the advice.
Backstory:
I have a friend (no this is not one of those stories) who I have known since high school. We were always somewhat close, but got closer once we graduated from college. She lives near me. I was there when she met her husband and I became good friends with him and his brother(s). I was one of the only four friends invited to her low key wedding and one of two friends invited to her bachelorette party. I should also mention that she is probably going for her PhD in Psychology in the near future, so she's a self-taught psycho? You'll see.
Knowing this, she used to constantly refer to me as "mean" in high school. But we still hung out all the time. She is the only person I know in real life who calls me mean. I used to do silly stuff in high school, but everyone knew I was simply joking. Apparently, she took it to heart and told me so a few years later that I was jerky to her. Puzzled, I apologized anyway and pretty much just held back whatever jokey comments I wanted to make. For example, whenever she'd ask me a dumb question (and there plenty to spare, I just don't remember them
), I'd answer it sincerely, without comment and just move on.
She sort of had a nervous breakdown at one point and didn't talk to me or our friend Chris for a few months. She never gave us a valid reason as to why we were singled out from everyone else (although I suspect it was because Chris and I mocked a Fall Out Boy song she put on). One day out of the blue, she started texting me and, long story short, we became closer friends. She told me she was on meds at the time and had just been cheated on but she was in a much better place now. Cool.
Story:
Back in January, I was having a crappy time in my life and to pep myself up, I made a plan to have a bunch of people go to a club, including my friend and her (now) husband. This had been a long time coming as we both really wanted to go this club. We got together a good amount of people to come with us. Then, slowly, throughout the week, people backed out of my plans. Our party of 12 shrank down to 4 by late Friday afternoon. I texted her saying that I was disappointed because I wanted to go with a big group. She gave me a general :\
I texted her again saying that even I didn't feel like going anymore, just to see what she would say. She didn't write me back.
Later that night she wrote back saying "I was napping. Now what's wrong?"
And I explained to her that the excitement had died down and I was hoping for a lively group, but I would still want to go
"Don't worry, I made alternate plans in case this fell through."
I waited... an hour later I asked, "What's going on?"
"Ed and I are going out to dinner. We will plan this for another time when more people can go."
Well thanks for ditching me on Friday night! I wrote back "fine
"
"You're not up for it. I'm not staying up that late and going that far for someone with a long face."
"Whatever."
And that was the end of our conversation for a very long time. I expected her to write back later that week as if nothing had happened and I'd just ignore the whole scenario, but she never did. Eventually *I* got angry that she didn't write me back because, really, why would she have been mad about that situation? She knew I was feeling crappy. Whenever she felt crappy I was nothing but supportive to her.
Her husband chatted me up on FB months later asking why he hadn't seen me in a while. I told him he knew why. I asked him why I was put on ignore and he said that she told him I was "mean to her and that night was the last straw."
???
???
He told me I should write to her or have it out in person because we were both being stupid. I fail to see where I was being stupid in this instance, but I accept my own bias. I spent like 30 minutes reading through old texts, trying to figure out where I was "mean." I went back through all our conversations in my head and couldn't remember one recent incident where I might have said something possibly insensitive! I asked every single one of my friends if I was ever mean to them and I got back a lot of confused responses.
I wrote her an email pretty much demanding the receipts for this meanness. I told her it was fine if she never wanted to talk to me again, but she should at least have the courtesy of telling me what exactly I did wrong.
And I told her to give me back my stuff, man.
Cut to a month later, she finally responds with a text saying that she was trying to figure out how to respond to my email without being negative and that she missed our friendship and was thankful I reached out. This was back in July. I wrote back "Ok". I heard nothing back until this Sunday when she texted me and told me she wants to give me my stuff backup and that she hasn't kept it out of spite. "I'd like to make amends somehow so it's not like i'm returning your stuff after a break up. Of course it's totally up to you if you'd like to talk again. I will give you back your stuff regardless."
I haven't responded and am not really in a rush too. She could use some suspense for a change. Most of my friends tell me that the universe did me a favor by severing our friendship. Our mutual friends have all sided with me and tell me that she really wasn't friends with them anymore either, nor did she appear to make an effort when they did come around. It's like I was the last holdout in our circle. At this point, I could go either way. I've gotten used to not having her as my friend. At the same time, I feel like I shouldn't burn bridges with friends. The key is always to have more, rather than less. I've forgiven all of my "enemies" from high school. In fact, I'm going on vacation with one of them next year (within a small group. We don't hang out alone together. I'd say her status has gone from "tolerable" to "somewhat enjoyable.")
Would you welcome her back in your life, but keep her at a considerable distance, or would you just succumb to the drama, ask for your stuff back and proceed as you have been?
Backstory:
I have a friend (no this is not one of those stories) who I have known since high school. We were always somewhat close, but got closer once we graduated from college. She lives near me. I was there when she met her husband and I became good friends with him and his brother(s). I was one of the only four friends invited to her low key wedding and one of two friends invited to her bachelorette party. I should also mention that she is probably going for her PhD in Psychology in the near future, so she's a self-taught psycho? You'll see.
Knowing this, she used to constantly refer to me as "mean" in high school. But we still hung out all the time. She is the only person I know in real life who calls me mean. I used to do silly stuff in high school, but everyone knew I was simply joking. Apparently, she took it to heart and told me so a few years later that I was jerky to her. Puzzled, I apologized anyway and pretty much just held back whatever jokey comments I wanted to make. For example, whenever she'd ask me a dumb question (and there plenty to spare, I just don't remember them
), I'd answer it sincerely, without comment and just move on.She sort of had a nervous breakdown at one point and didn't talk to me or our friend Chris for a few months. She never gave us a valid reason as to why we were singled out from everyone else (although I suspect it was because Chris and I mocked a Fall Out Boy song she put on). One day out of the blue, she started texting me and, long story short, we became closer friends. She told me she was on meds at the time and had just been cheated on but she was in a much better place now. Cool.
Story:
Back in January, I was having a crappy time in my life and to pep myself up, I made a plan to have a bunch of people go to a club, including my friend and her (now) husband. This had been a long time coming as we both really wanted to go this club. We got together a good amount of people to come with us. Then, slowly, throughout the week, people backed out of my plans. Our party of 12 shrank down to 4 by late Friday afternoon. I texted her saying that I was disappointed because I wanted to go with a big group. She gave me a general :\
I texted her again saying that even I didn't feel like going anymore, just to see what she would say. She didn't write me back.
Later that night she wrote back saying "I was napping. Now what's wrong?"
And I explained to her that the excitement had died down and I was hoping for a lively group, but I would still want to go
"Don't worry, I made alternate plans in case this fell through."
I waited... an hour later I asked, "What's going on?"
"Ed and I are going out to dinner. We will plan this for another time when more people can go."
Well thanks for ditching me on Friday night! I wrote back "fine
""You're not up for it. I'm not staying up that late and going that far for someone with a long face."
"Whatever."
And that was the end of our conversation for a very long time. I expected her to write back later that week as if nothing had happened and I'd just ignore the whole scenario, but she never did. Eventually *I* got angry that she didn't write me back because, really, why would she have been mad about that situation? She knew I was feeling crappy. Whenever she felt crappy I was nothing but supportive to her.
Her husband chatted me up on FB months later asking why he hadn't seen me in a while. I told him he knew why. I asked him why I was put on ignore and he said that she told him I was "mean to her and that night was the last straw."
???
???He told me I should write to her or have it out in person because we were both being stupid. I fail to see where I was being stupid in this instance, but I accept my own bias
. I spent like 30 minutes reading through old texts, trying to figure out where I was "mean." I went back through all our conversations in my head and couldn't remember one recent incident where I might have said something possibly insensitive! I asked every single one of my friends if I was ever mean to them and I got back a lot of confused responses. I wrote her an email pretty much demanding the receipts for this meanness. I told her it was fine if she never wanted to talk to me again, but she should at least have the courtesy of telling me what exactly I did wrong.
And I told her to give me back my stuff, man.
Cut to a month later, she finally responds with a text saying that she was trying to figure out how to respond to my email without being negative and that she missed our friendship and was thankful I reached out. This was back in July. I wrote back "Ok". I heard nothing back until this Sunday when she texted me and told me she wants to give me my stuff back
up and that she hasn't kept it out of spite. "I'd like to make amends somehow so it's not like i'm returning your stuff after a break up. Of course it's totally up to you if you'd like to talk again. I will give you back your stuff regardless."I haven't responded and am not really in a rush too. She could use some suspense for a change. Most of my friends tell me that the universe did me a favor by severing our friendship. Our mutual friends have all sided with me and tell me that she really wasn't friends with them anymore either, nor did she appear to make an effort when they did come around. It's like I was the last holdout in our circle. At this point, I could go either way. I've gotten used to not having her as my friend. At the same time, I feel like I shouldn't burn bridges with friends. The key is always to have more, rather than less. I've forgiven all of my "enemies" from high school. In fact, I'm going on vacation with one of them next year (within a small group. We don't hang out alone together. I'd say her status has gone from "tolerable" to "somewhat enjoyable.")
Would you welcome her back in your life, but keep her at a considerable distance, or would you just succumb to the drama, ask for your stuff back and proceed as you have been?
I understand the way she is to a point. The way she was raised was to basically 'suck it up' and handle everything on her own, so I don't think she completely gets how turning around and treating her friends the same way is hurtful. I don't know if that could explain your friend's behaviour or perspective, but I suppose it's a possibility. 
) to her. Her problems are just her problems. If she's got a future problem with me, I just simply won't even bother finding out why. Hell, I probably wont even talk to her, unless she's got more of my things, unlikely as that will be.
