What should I do?

[DaveC]

So I get home from work tonight (at 12:00, everyone's asleep) and see a note on the computer desk written by my stepdad:

"Chat Logs
porn_star_93@hotmail.com
2:46 AM 2/17"

So, my stepdad went through my chat logs. The address is a friend's (not a porn star's), but I wasn't supposed to be up at almost 3 AM (I couldn't sleep anyways). As well, and what's more troubling, is that there's a lot of stuff about sex and drinking and drugs in there and a lot of swearing too, nothing particularly disturbing, mostly just discussing things in a normal way, but it can all be used against me.

My mom thinks that I don't drink, don't do anything remotely drug-like, and has threatened to chop off my penis if she found out I was having sex at any time (I know she said it half-jokingly, but I would still be in an insane amount of shit). So basically if she saw this it would destroy all her respect and image of me and really damage our relationship.

The thing is, I don't know if he actually read the thing or if he just saw the date and title. I deleted ALL my chat logs right away, but I don't know what I should do otherwise.

I'm pissed that my stepdad actually went through my chat records. I can't think of anything that would prompt him to do that unless he was specifically looking for something to nail me with, which is a prickish thing to do in the first plage.

So what can I do? I'm really hoping he didn't go through it but in case he did, what should I do then? What if he didn't go through it?

 

[unforgettableFOXfire]

Well, total invasion of privacy... which sucks, and is in part why I dont keep chat logs (that, and with the amount that I chat, most programs store logs on my pc which ultimately clutters my hd).

Why he would go through it, I cant even begin to imagine. Probably 1) he doesnt trust you; or 2) he's looking for something to hold over your head. Okay, well to be fair with number 2, I cant really say that... But nonetheless. I think you should talk to him about it. First, ask him what his concerns are, and then by asking what he intended to accomplish by doing this; it would be one thing to read it, but he's obviously got some sort of motive if he wrote it down so you could find it. Ask him if he's concerned that youre up that late. If he has something more to add, he'll probably add it himself from there. If he says 'I read it, dont make me tell your mother'... well... Then youre in a tough spot... However, if he wants to play power games, youre your mothers child and not his, if he wants to play hardball, you play hardball: 'youre not my father, why should I trust your judgement when you dont trust mine, you dont know whats best for me since you dont even know me, etc'. Thats a little extreme, and a last resort... but war is, after all, a failure of diplomacy. Solve it as best you can otherwise, that failing, pull out the big guns


Apart from that, Id remember your passwords and not have anything automatically sign in, or remember your passwords so they can automatically sign in.



Edit: By the by, in my little discourse, I failed to mention this: Don't offer him more information then he already knows. If you approach him and say something to the effect of 'hey, so you read how I got high while my girlfriend was going down on me'... youve just really screwed yourself, and God help you then. The name of the game is to find out what he knows by working it out of him, not to give him everything up front and see what he has to say about it - especially if some of that is new to him, which might be shocking. Clearly, you could say 'oh hoh hoh, so were you reading my hot chat with porn star? prrooww!' and laugh it off as a joke, follow it up by laughing off talking about sex, drugs, alcohol, etc and make it look satirical; but you tread dangerous ground when you do that, and you'll just get busted for trying to make him look like a tool. So, dont take that approach.

 

[DaveC]

Thanks. I'm not sure what I'll do, if I'll just ignore it and hope to hell that he didn't see anything or bring it up and risk getting into a lot more trouble, but tell him why I'm so pissed.

It's a choice for me between the safe way or the way I want to do it, the risky way.

 

[zoney!]

My mom thinks that I don't drink, don't do anything remotely drug-like, and has threatened to chop off my penis if she found out I was having sex at any time (I know she said it half-jokingly, but I would still be in an insane amount of shit). So basically if she saw this it would destroy all her respect and image of me and really damage our relationship.

You are worried about this FALSE image your mother has of you? You have outright lied or hid things from her. Maybe you should have worried about ruining the relationship BEFORE choosing to do these actions!

 

[nbcrusader]

If you are living under their roof, you must respect their desires. I would sit down and have an open and honest conversation with them.

 

[meegannie]

I had a simliar thing happen to me over Christmas when my dad signed into msn and read some of my emails. I didn't reveal anything personal in them (because my life isn't exciting to begin with and I don't really do anything that I wouldn't admit to), but I was venting to my fiance about my family, so I felt MUCH more guilty than angry. I'm a VERY private person and never discuss personal things with my family -- they didn't even know that I was dating someone or engaged until they accidentally found out. I don't hide things from them, I just never talk to them...which of course makes them suspcious that I'm hiding things from them! In the end, I decided to just pretend like I didn't know he'd read them and act like nothing had happened rather than get into a huge argument. I just like to avoid conflict and keep to myself, and I was going back to England in a few days so it didn't reall matter and bringing it up would just make the situation worse for everyone involved. Then again, I'm 23 and haven't lived at home in six years!

In your situation, though, I would say something. It shows more maturity on your part to calmly confront him about it than to wait until he he gets angry about something else and unexpectantly brings this up.

Really, there are two issues here. You're entitled to your privacy, but you have to think about the possible repercussions of your decisions, including how your parents would react if they were to find out. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have sex, drink, or do drugs; that's your choice. When you live with your family, or even have a close relationship with them, you have to consider the impact your actions will have not only on them, but on your relationship with them.

I definitely would not play the 'you're not my real dad' card. That just smacks of immaturity, in my opinion.

 

[BAW]

First of all, stay calm. He obviously left the note as a sign that he wants to talk to you about this so go ahead and approach him in a non-defensive way.

Is your computer shared by the family or is it in your room? If its in your room, I would have to say that unless he suspects something like drinking or drug use, he shouldn't have been in your computer at all. If its a shared computer, the lines are a little blurred as far as privacy goes. Maybe he really did just notice the time on the logs and wondered why you were up so late?

I have a son your age and honestly, unless I REALLY had strong suspicions that he was into something bad, I would not go into his computer.

I do understand what you're saying about not revealing this secret side to your mom...my sons would do anything to keep me from finding out about all the things normal teenage boys do when mom isn't around and I love them for that but in reality, I pretty much know what they have and haven't done...your mom probably does too.

 

[unforgettableFOXfire]

Everyone likes their illusions though... Its hard for a lot of parents to face up to the fact that their kids are growing up, and need to make their own choices (and their own mistakes). Now, Im not a parent, so I really cant say that... but, I know my friend Jordan's dad has been having a really rough time lately, since Jordan moved out; its like his world has ended... And, while its never "right" to lie to your parents, there are certainly benefits to it... your little facade that youre putting on is important because you want to protect yourself from what they might say, but it has a practical purpose of protecting them from the truth; that youre growing up, youre moving on. Lets face it, your parents are always going to have some measure of input into your life and how you live, but theres nothing they can really "teach" you now that will permanently change the person you are. You are now pretty much who you always will be unless you take the initiative to change yourself. They might punish you if they find out about some of the things you did, and the reasons for that are two fold in a very interconnected way; 1, because they dont want you to be just that much closer to being off on your own and not "needing" them in the same capacity as you do now, or have in the past; and 2, because they want to still be able to influence your life, as they want whats best for you, which is partly connected to the first because thats all theyve ever known. Sooner or later theyre going to have to deal with it, but is that worth breaking all their little last hopes and holdings-on now? Its something that both sides have to be ready for, and dealing with it isnt going to be easy on either side, yours or theirs.

If youre anything like me, you dont want to be completely grown up and independent, but you dont want to be sheltered. If theyre anything like most parents, they dont want you to be completely grown up either, yet they do, but theyre going to try and hang onto you as long as possible - pushing with one hand, pulling closer with another. Its a regretable situation, but such is adolescence.


Do I have any idea what Im talking about? Nope. But it sure sounds good