What is a friend to do?

[U2democrat]

One of my friends has major confidence problems...let me give you some background info.

Freshman/Sophomore year of high school she battled anorexia, denied it to everyone. She had a calculator with her at lunch and would calculate all the calories she had eaten that day...most of the times would just throw her lunch away. When a group of us tried to confront her/her parents about it...she ended up slitting her wrists. Junior year she recovered from that stage, began eating healthy again, and wouldn't dream of killing herself.

Senior year she got into alcohol...started dating a really sleazy guy (21, no job, no school). She would go to his house, get wasted and have sex. She broke up with him this summer...but her drinking habits, going out to parties is terrible. Now she's in college, 6 or 7 hours away from me, and of course she's away from her parents. Almost each night she has gone out to parties, gotten wasted beyond wasted. This isn't just simple go out and have a good time, this is going too far.

My friends and I are worried about her considering her past behavior, but of course none of us can really do anything because we're now scattered, and we're also afraid if we confront her about the alcohol she'll do something like we did when we went to her about her anorexia.

What should I/my friends/her friends do? Let it play out and see if she starts to take control of herself...or do some thing now? And what?

 

[hiphop]

huh... difficult situation..

the only possibility that comes to mind is to visit her and speak to her about that.. probably not in a way that she has the feeling you want to teach her something or are authorative.. but on the other hand if she realizes someone is worrying about her, she might also close off; depends on what personality she really is, you know her better than me.

how long has she been partying around, how much does she drink, every day a bottle of whisky or two, three times a week a couple of beers?

what kind of person is she; can she be arrogant, or a very silent shy person? etc.

considerate those factors and talk to your friends.

 

[U2democrat]

I've been talking to my friends, they're also concerned about her. She's not arrogant and she's definitely not shy.

I know she has several shots and multiple beers at a time, for some reason she loves getting pass-out wake up in your own puke drunk.

She's a very bubbly, happy person, and an absolutely beautiful girl, it saddens me to see her with such issues.

 

[hiphop]

Well then maybe one of you should visit her when you are near, go out with her and have a serious nice talk with her. If she starts to be pissed off, remind her that respect is important in a friendship and that you are just worrying about her, that alcohol is the most stupid drug of all and that having fun is great, and as long as she goes out to party once a week you won´t mind, but you don´t want to see her liver like that

and remind her that the body is the temple of the soul.

 

[U2democrat]

Good advice Thanks.

 

[Liesje]

She's really becomming her own worst enemy at this point. Do her parents acknowledge her problems or are they in denial? If they are worried about her as well, she should really not be in school right now and should be getting treatment, especially since she's had the whole anorexia thing in her past and needs to deal with that as well. If her parents are the type that would cooperate, I'd talk to them and tell them what you know and that you're worried that something more drastic needs to be done. We had a girl w/ similar issues on my floor soph. year and when her parents found out how bad it was, they pulled her out for a semester and sent her away for treatment. She got better and now looks healthy and happy.

Some parents are just in denial. We also had a girl on my floor w/ this type of parents. This girl was terribly anorexic freshmen year and when she came back soph. year, she'd LOST 20 MORE pounds. I kid you not she looked like a Holocaust survivor. It got to the point where she was kicked out of the dorms b.c she and her parents refused to acknowledge the issue. She was thin to the point that her heart could stop at any moment. I'm not sure where she is now, but all I know is that it's been hell for her friends b/c they can't force her to do anything and her parents deny that there's a problem. Anyway, I guess if this is more your situation, try to keep tabs on her as best you can and when she's willing to deal with her issues, you'll still be around to help. It's hard to know when to move from "being there" to being ready to intervene, b/c sometimes you really DO have to tattle to someone in order for friends to get the help they need.

 

[U2democrat]

I know her parents are aware of ther anorexia, they had her going to a psychiatrist for awhile. I'm not sure if they know about her drinking though, her relationship with her parents is not the best.

 

[For Honor]

First and foremost, don't loose sleep overthis yourself - it's not your responsibility.


And secondly, I'm bitter about such things. If people don't want to take care of themselves, well, so be it. The bottom line for anyone is they have to make the decision to be accountible for who they are. If she, mentally, wants to party alot, then she will, and there is nothing YOU can do about it.

You can try to let her understand that her actions can be self destructive. But either she has to learn the hard way, or some other intervention.

I don't know... Get her family involved if possible.


But I still say that if she doesn't care about her self that way, then there isn't much you can do.

I'd say keep in touch..... but if someone chooses to ruin your life, you can't let them destroy yours as well.......


but I'm more harsh today, because of my own experience, so as always, take everything with a grain of salt and make your own decisions..............

 

[Techie2000]

She needs professional help. Does your school have some sort of confidential counselor or someone you can talk to? Such a person would probably have the proper resources and contacts to help you help your friend and help you secure professional help for your friend.

 

[hiphop]

I think you should talk to her first before of going to her parents or a counselor of school. She´ll feel intimidated if her friends treat her like this, and if she feels stabbed in her back - however wrong this assumption may be - its not a good thing.

Basically I agree with For Honor: "If people don't want to take care of themselves, well, so be it. The bottom line for anyone is they have to make the decision to be accountible for who they are. If she, mentally, wants to party alot, then she will, and there is nothing YOU can do about it."

But I think you and your friends should talk to her first. I don´t want to belittle the problem, but probably sending her into treatment because she´s partying to excess is a little hard.

Just put yourself into her shoes a moment - what would you feel for your "friends" if they send you to treatment when you don´t want that, instead of talking to you. You´d feel betrayed.

Don´t victimize her.

 

[FizzingWhizzbees]

What should I/my friends/her friends do? Let it play out and see if she starts to take control of herself...or do some thing now? And what?

Is this her first year at college?

If so, I know a lot of people who have gone somewhat crazy their first semester at college. You're away from your family for the first time, there's a party to go to every night, there's alcohol, there's drugs, there's crazy people to hang around. It's very, very easy to let everything get out of control. Most people, after a few weeks or months, will realise they can't continue to live like that and start to take control of their life. Maybe that's the case with your friend, in which case I would suggest you just let her get on with her life, although perhaps you could try making some friendly suggestions about ways she can keep herself safe if she insists on partying and drinking every night.

Then again, the fact that you mentioned she suffered from anorexia in high school suggests that perhaps it's more than the usual first-semester-of-college-time-to-go-crazy thing. I still think you need to give her some time to see if she realises for herself that this sort of lifestyle isn't sustainable, but if it continues then I would definitely try to talk to her and express your concern for her and just let her know that you're there if she needs a friend.

 

[U2democrat]

Yeah it's her first semester. I figure I'll give her time...see what she does...hopefully she'll realize that once again she's making destructive decisions.

 

[nbcrusader]

If you are a close friend, you should speak to her as a friend (not as a confrontation).

You wouldn't talk to her if you didn't care about her. Waiting till she hurts herself again may make her more defensive if the conversation is delayed.