Wellbutrin, Abilify, and Lamictal, Oh My.

[pax]

Dear Interlanders:

No matter what I have had to deal with, Zoo Confessionals always seems to bring survivors out of the woodwork, compassionate and clear-minded people who give advice both from their heads and their hearts. So here is a fairly heavy problem that I hope someone can help with.

As some of you know, I've been seeing a fabulous man for almost three months. I've had a LOT of guy troubles for almost two years, so meeting someone kind, brilliant, decent, and sensitive has been such a blessing. He's 25 (a few years older than me) and a writer (just like me!). We spend a lot of time together (but still maintain our separate activities, too!) and generally get along very well.

There is, however, one big problem: he has manic depression. Manic depression is a mental illness by which a person is prone to drastic mood swings that go from mania (sort of like really extended hyperactivity, hubris, recklessness; they'll do things like spend lots of money all at once, run up their credit cards, not sleep for days) to deep depression (sleep all the time, lose/gain a lot of weight, threaten or attempt suicide). He's a good patient; he sees both a therapist and a psychiatrist regularly and has no problems with medication compliance.

A couple of weeks ago, though, he had his first real episode (depressive) since I've been with him. He's better now; he had an emergency session with his therapist and his psychiatrist added an antidepressant (Wellbutrin) to his medication routine. But it did scare me. He got paranoid, sad, sort of scared of everything all the time, wouldn't make even small decisions (like, "what should we have for dinner?" kinds of decisions). And it wasn't even THAT bad; he didn't try to hurt himself or have to go into the hospital (he attempted suicide once before).

My problem, I guess, is this: I really love this man. He treats me beautifully and supports me unconditionally. He values the same things I do and we have a lot of goals and dreams in common. But I am worried about dealing with this for the rest of my life. He wants to get married and I think I do too (not right away, I mean, once we both finish school--which is at least a year and a half from now, because he still has another year to go). Is anyone else dealing with this sort of situation? Any ideas on how to handle it?

 

[yertle-the-turtle]

with love you can overcome anything

i have never been in your situation and this is probably very unconstructive, but i think that who knows, these attacks may diminish themselves over time

i wish i could offer more, but i can't

i guess in the rest of the forum there are probably people who will know

 

[ThatGuy]

I have lived with my wife for almost five years now. She suffers from panic disorder and a couple of severe and debilitating phobias. I thought I knew the extent of her mental illnesses when we moved in together, but I don?t think I gave the proper amount of thought as to what they would mean over the course of our life together. The past five years have been difficult, with two trips to a mental hospital, lots of therapy sessions, fights, near break-ups, and, miraculously, the birth of our son.

She has been taking medication for only the last two years. While this has made our lives easier, it has not eliminated her illnesses altogether. I know this is something that I'll have to live with (in some form) for the rest of my life. It's not always easy. Sometimes she is unable to fully function and I find myself in the position of having to care for two people who are wholly dependent upon me.

Ideally things would not be this way. However her illness is something that will never go away. I love my wife very much, and while things may sometimes be difficult, I would be crushed if we ever separated. Our love has been stretched so thin at times that it has only been the promise that we made to each other, and the commitment to raise our son in an intact household, that has kept us together.

That's not to say that everything is always dire and awful, but for the sake of this discussion I'm focusing only on the negative aspects of a relationship with someone with a mental illness. The same intensity that makes her (now rare) dark spells so awful helps to make our life together rich and vibrant. Our marriage is stronger than it's ever been, and we continue to face the challenges posed by her illness (as well as all of the other ones that come in life) with strength and hope.

So I guess the only advice I can give is to make sure that you can deal with your boyfriend's problems for the long term. "The rest of your life" is a long time, too long to really comprehend. You should talk to him about your reservations because this isn't a problem that will go away, even if you decide that you can live with his illness. Don't decide anything until you're sure. It's great that he's a good patient. That should make it less challenging to live with him.

Sorry if this is nonsensical, but it's getting late and I'm tired. I hope this helped a little bit.

 

[Angela Harlem]

I can't be helpful or constructive, but I do want to say you are both inspirational, Pax and ThatGuy. If true love is worth fighting for, the fact you both have not given up but kept going is so admirable.

All the best to both of you.

 

[zoney!]

Wow.

Again, WOW.

I think you are both brave for discussing this here at a site for music lovers.

I cannot offer any guidance...but I do have a question. I feel it is a "dumb" question, and am almost embarrassed to ask. But, it has been on my mind long before today (a few weeks).

Anyway....Disorders like these, are they passed on to children?

 

[melon]

If I may add an uninformed, non-medical opinion...

Get his cortisol levels tested. Chances are, they are sky high, but they go in cycles, due to exhaustion--hence, manic and depressive cycles that seem to run like clockwork. To sound a wee bit cynical, SSRIs make it worse (a sole SSRI will put someone in prolonged mania) and Wellbutrin is a stimulant--both of which shove cortisol levels sky high.

There's two things I'd suggest checking out from someone who knows what they are talking about: phosphatidylserine, an animo acid that blunts cortisol in favor of testosterone production and calcium. Calcium is consumed in prolonged stress and being deficient makes it worse, as the cortisol levels continue to climb in the absence of adequate calcium. Taking a calcium supplement at times will put me to sleep it's that good.

I write this not knowing his exact situation, obviously, but as someone who exhibited manic-depressive symptoms for years, this is what put a halt to my problems. I've been level for 11 months now.

But don't take my word for it. Find a doctor, even if non-traditional, that specializes in vitamins, minerals, herbs, etc.

Melon

 

[HeartlandGirl]

Others have made some great points here. I do have another suggestion, though. Maybe you yourself could go speak to a counselor (his counselor?) about the situation. It might be helpful to speak to a counselor together, and then maybe separately as well. Together you could discuss strategies to help you cope with the times when your boyfriend is having an episode--how should you try to communicate with him, what's the best way to react if he does x, y, or z, etc. Alone, you could discuss the long term effects this might have on you and whether or not you think you can accept his illness if your relationship continues toward marriage and beyond.

As someone who has suffered depression in the past, and who currently suffers from panic disorder, I know that these types of illnesses/disorders can be managed and sometimes even overcome. I no longer suffer from depression and my panic disorder is as under control as it's ever been. So I'm on your boyfriend's side of the fence. My husband realizes that these problems I've had don't define me, they're not who I am. I am so grateful for the support he's given me, though I'll readily admit it has been frustrating for both of us at times, trying to understand these problems and get through them.

Don't know if any of that will be useful to you, and of course, I'm not a doctor or an expert on these things. But I do wish you and your boyfriend all the best.

 

[ThatGuy]

Anyway....Disorders like these, are they passed on to children?

In talks with my mother-in-law we've found that our three year old son is exhibiting some of the same symptoms that my wife was when she was his age. My wife's family has a history of chemical imbalance going back at least as far as her great grandmother on her mother's side. However my mother-in-law herself has no problems. So the answer is yes, but not always. Such is the nature of genetics.


Edited to add:

Excellent post HeartlandGirl. I wish that my wife and I had better planned out how to deal with her illness. Unfortunately we were too naive and blinded by love to give it serious consideration. If we had plans in place it would have saved us a lot heartache.

 

[meegannie]

Others have made some great points here. I do have another suggestion, though. Maybe you yourself could go speak to a counselor (his counselor?) about the situation. It might be helpful to speak to a counselor together, and then maybe separately as well. Together you could discuss strategies to help you cope with the times when your boyfriend is having an episode--how should you try to communicate with him, what's the best way to react if he does x, y, or z, etc. Alone, you could discuss the long term effects this might have on you and whether or not you think you can accept his illness if your relationship continues toward marriage and beyond.

I think this is an excellent idea. I have depression (as I'm sure everyone here knows! ), and anxiety problems (panic attacks, etc.), and it can really take a toll other people. I'm sure you've discussed alone how to react to various situations, but I know in my case at least it's sometimes hard for me to articulate what exactly I need from my fiance when I'm upset and what things might make those feelings spiral. Talking with a counselor together might help him to realize/express in more detail what he needs, and help you to understand how to go about fulfilling that. Alone, you can learn what you can do to keep yourself healthy too and to avoid feeling helpless.

So the answer is yes, but not always. Such is the nature of genetics.

I've noticed this in my family as well. My mom's side of the family apparently has a very strong history of mental illness (depression, anxiety disorders, nervous breakdowns, manic depression, etc....my mom has an enormous amount of problems with mental illness, which has put a strain my relationship with her for years), and my dad's side of the family has depression, but to a milder extent. It's always been an issue for me (I cannot remember a time in my life, even when I was a child, that I didn't have to think about it), but as far as I know, it's never really been a big issue for my brother.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

My only suggestion would be to talk to a professional yourself about what you're feeling and the questions you have.

I think mental illness should be treated just like any other illness or disease. Most people, while of course it is VERY difficult to cope with, wouldn't give up someone they love if they had cancer, heart disease, etc. Of course in no way am I minimizing your situation paxetaurora. It will be extremely difficult, but it sounds to me like you have found love.

There's nothing to be ashamed about for anyone who suffers from depression or any similar form of mental illness. Love and understanding is very important for those people, and I think people who have the patience and the good heart to give that love are great and special people. Best of luck to you paxetaurora.

 

[verte76]

I was born with a form of autism, Asperger's Syndrome, but because it wasn't even in the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual (the diagnostic guide for psychiatric illnesses) until 1994 I was treated as a schizophrenic and then personality disorder as an adolescent and young adult. At any rate I know mental illness. All of these ideas posted have been excellent, especially talking to the guy's therapist. Learn everything you can about his illness. If it's really love, don't deny it. Don't let this rip you off. The guy could probably use someone really close for emotional support. Emotional support is incredibly important for any of us with emotional problems. We need loved ones. I don't see why this relationship can't be great for both of you.

 

[Bonochick]

Mmmm...pax, I think we need to talk again soon.

 

[The_Sweetest_Thing]

Yup, depressive disorders CAN be passed onto children--although not quite as you think. What a child MIGHT inherit is a tendency, or a vulnerability to have this disease. This, combined with life stressors, pyschological factors, enviornmental factors, etc can bring out the disease. And it may not necessarily be manic depressive disorder either...but could be another form of Bipolar disorder, major depression, dysthymia (deep, life-long depression), or an anxiety disorder.

Like melon said, it is (partially) regulated by cortisol--a stress hormone which is increased during stressful life events. IPT (Interpersonal Therapy) and CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) are great therapies that help a majority of patients. What's good to hear is that he does take his meds, thank goodness. A lot of people with manic depressive episodes frequently don't take their meds because they enjoy their manic phases and how they feel when they are manic.

I would go and talk with his therapist too and see what he/she says....all in all, they've probably seen hundreds of cases like this over the years and therefore know how it will impact your life.

I hope I haven't freaked you out. I hope I've given you a bit of info, as small as it may be, that might help you both out.

Best of luck to you pax.

 

[joyfulgirl]

Excellent suggestions have already been given. I don't really have anything new to add except that one of my best friends has serious addiction issues and probably creates a similar kind of stress for the people who love him. 75% of the time he's this amazing person and friend and is quite beloved by everyone who knows him and is close to him. The other 25% of the time he disappears on cocaine, alcohol, crystal-meth, sex binges and we don't know if he's dead or alive or in jail. But nothing can change how much we love him and how committed we are to the friendship. We just have to be careful not to be codependent and to remain relatively detached at the same time that we are there for him. It's not always easy but he is a joy in our lives nonetheless.

 

[pax]

Thanks, everyone, for all your words of wisdom.

BC: Gonna call you soon, I swear.

 

[Bonochick]

Sure you are........



Whenever you want to...it's cool.