trying to have a "normal" relationship... or not???

[Muggsy]

one sunny day i woke up and said *ok... no more friends with "benefits" no more drama, no more shit from shitty guys, I want a good boyfriend, dammit*...

now I'm trying to get out from a dark and confusing era, and i'm trying to "clean" my emotional life... sometimes I feel that I won't be the same after all the things that happened and I'm affraid all the things I did will turn against me soon. sometimes I couldn't recognize myself, I devealed an weird part of myself and I don't want to be there again. I've never judged people but now I feel that I have things to hide, cuz they don't match with the idea i had of myself.

I'm doing great things for my career... i'm exposing in an important museum here, i'm taking illustration classes again, and I'm happy for that side, but when i talk about my sentimental life i don't know what to say... i feel alone in the middle of a lot of confusing situations, I started to question my own integrity and I don't feel proud of myself... to be honest I feel that I broke my own moral rules and I hardly believe in my own convictions.

Sometimes I don't know if I want a normal relationship just to feel "right", to justify my mistakes, or if I really want to have a boyfriend again.. I've been stupid, cuz I was with people who told me that "love" me but without comitment, and all i've got was pain and frustration, I felt like a toy in all the sense of the word. I can't say they weren't sincere (they told me "we would sleep together but we are only friends") but I didnt say "no thanks" cuz my feelings were involved, nobody forced me, they gave me the options and i picked the worst one.

I don't even know if a boyfriend is what I need to get things straight... I've some great people in the workshop and there is that cute guy... I really like him and he said he likes me (I'm trying not to take it too seriosly), we go out to the movies and we talk in the workshop parties but I'm affraid to start anything with him... cuz I don't want to fail again... I don't want to be fooled again and behave like a moron...

anyway.. this month we are celebrating our "valentine's day" (we celebrate a similar date on september) and I want my gift hehehehe... no.. i'm kidding... i just want to clean my soul... and get my gift.

 

[Palace_Hero]

I think I'm lucky because I am happy on my own so I can pick and choose relationships, its always win-win.

That would be my advice to you, make sure you are comfortable with yourself before seeking a relationship, be it casual or serious. A steady boyfriend wont cover up any cracks within your 'emotional life', you have to do that yourself first.

 

[Dulce de Leche]

such good advice above

Kudos to you for recognizing that your past situation was not a good one and wanting to do something about it. Good luck!

 

[For Honor]

one sunny day i woke up and said *ok... no more friends with "benefits" no more drama, no more shit from shitty guys, I want a good boyfriend, dammit*...

I've read your opening line, and I think that is great!

I will finish reading it now, though, since something tells me "that is only the beginning......."

 

[For Honor]

I was with people who told me that "love" me but without comitment, and all i've got was pain and frustration, I felt like a toy in all the sense of the word.

In my book, that isn't love at all, friend. You've lost nothing but something you don't really need to hold on to. There is no comitment there, anyway, right?




=====


I've read it all, and all I have to say is:

You've got a good goal, and your own, internal motivation. So now it's all up to you. I really wish you the best of luck, and think this is a great thing for you to be doing.

Keep us updated

 

[For Honor]

I just know a lot of people who are in that exact same situation right now, and I always try to encourage them towards making the progress they know they deserve.

Palace_Hero has good advice...


You have to be your real, confident self, authentic self, in order to have a real, confident, authentic relationship. It takes time, and especially if you are breaking away, or in the process, it takes some alone time.

But there is no shame in taking the time to recover and getting strong again, because a relationship does take a lot of strength.

A lot of people go through hard times, and they're values get tarnished or lessened, and they feel down because some of their boundries were broken. To be a true hero, and not a victim, one needs to rise above this. Anyone can do it, but it takes a great effort to do so.

But it's definitely something worth fighting for

 

[Palace_Hero]

Thanks for the compliments on my advice folks, its nice for good stuff I do to be picked up on.

 

[Laura M]

Just under a year ago I came out of a very messy "relationship". I had various other things going on at that time and it really wasn't the best time for it to happen. I missed most of my first term of classes too and had no desire to go back and finish my degree so I just stopped going to my classes and ignored my tutors when they said it was a waste for me to drop out at that point. I didn't really trust people, I had been lied to and I felt stupid that I hadn't realised the person I thought I was seeing was someone totally different. I realise now I could never have known and that it wasn't my fault.

one sunny day i woke up and said *ok... no more friends with "benefits" no more drama, no more shit from shitty guys, I want a good boyfriend, dammit*...

This is what happened to me one day. I just decided to go back to classes, remove the bad things / people from my life and start again. I also swore I would never go near someone who I thought would treat me like I had been treated in the past. I had no desire to be in another relationship and told everyone that with moving away from home this year I didn't see me meeting anyone anyway. It was really good just focusing on my studies again and just going out with friends or my siblings at the weekends. You say about getting a boyfriend to help you get things straight - I needed to get myself straight before being involved with someone else and I had no problems with being single. I was very happy and I got my bubbly and more confident self back again. One day I met someone I really liked which completely threw me off because I had been telling myself for a couple of months I wouldn't go out with anyone and all of a sudden here was someone I really did like. All is great and I have backtracked on a lot of my opinions on what dating someone is really like now. I also can't believe how different things are in the space of a year. I am happy and positive about things. All I can say is take some time to have fun and relax and see how things go with this new boy.

 

[lady luck]

Everyone deserves to have a great relationship, with a person who cares & loves you.
It's up to us all not to accept the relations that make us soffer and where we are not treated with respect.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I know just how you feel muggsy and how it feels to go through all that and feel that way.

I think you should take some more time just for yourself and realize how beautiful and worthy you are. It's worth it to wait and find Mr right instead of Mr right now and Mr nothing but hurt and frustration.

 

[Amélie]

I have one question...How do you know when you are comfortable with yourself??
I think that you can never be 100% sure and confident about yourself...well I'm like that.

I had a very weird relationship and it's hard to get over it . Everybody tells me to have fun and relax, how many times did I hear 'fun and relax'
But well I'm going out, I'm having fun but at the end of the day there's still that annoying feeling....

How do I resolve that??

 

[the soul waits]

You'll get there, Amélie, just keep going along, on your own path, it will only make you stronger, smarter, wiser and more complete.
The more you accept and try to live with the downsides of being alone, the more open you will be to the positive things it brings you.

I remember a time when I was in bad relationships and just accepted that as a fact, yes I was frustrated and hurt and angry, but it was like that just had to be part of it, along with the good times. I put up with so much crap, in retrospect!

Once I decided " no more", it was a long and tough road to being happy in my own little world, but now I cherish it and I feel happy.
I explored so many different things, internally and around me.
And the negative times, I just had to embrace, try to find out why I felt like that, and work through it.
It's all good

And love is always right around the corner, at the right time, and it's worth waiting for.

 

[U2Girl1978]

Everyone has really good advice!

Muggsy, try not to have a relationship or date for awhile. I stopped dating for a really long time because I was getting involved with alot of people who didn't want anything except one thing. Being single was great. I ended up doing things that I needed to do and felt so much better. Once I met my current boyfriend, I was ready to be a in relationship again. And I'm really happy. Of course when you start dating again, there'll be days where you'll doubt things because of what happened in the past but don't let it get the better of you.

Anyways, have fun with friends, take up hobbies, etc. Don't let people take advantage of you.

 

[Palace_Hero]

I have one question...How do you know when you are comfortable with yourself??
I think that you can never be 100% sure and confident about yourself...well I'm like that.

I had a very weird relationship and it's hard to get over it . Everybody tells me to have fun and relax, how many times did I hear 'fun and relax'
But well I'm going out, I'm having fun but at the end of the day there's still that annoying feeling....

How do I resolve that??

Not sure, I'm definately comfortable with myself, though I know I'm not firing on all cylinders, I'm not using my full potential, which bothers me. I could pull more, I could be working more, I could be doing well at Uni. But in myself I'm happy and I can block out or work on the other stuff.

 

[lady luck]

I have one question...How do you know when you are comfortable with yourself??
I think that you can never be 100% sure and confident about yourself...well I'm like that.

I had a very weird relationship and it's hard to get over it . Everybody tells me to have fun and relax, how many times did I hear 'fun and relax'
But well I'm going out, I'm having fun but at the end of the day there's still that annoying feeling....

How do I resolve that??

Chère Amelie,
first of all, I think it's not just a matter of "have fun & relax" here.

Can you go deeper into that "annoying feeling"?
What you mean?

 

[Amélie]

Chère Amelie,
first of all, I think it's not just a matter of "have fun & relax" here.

Can you go deeper into that "annoying feeling"?
What you mean?

It's the annoying feeling of on the one hand I know it's not good and healthy to be with that person. I know that and I realize that...
But on the other hand I still miss the feeling he gave me and I miss those good, nice times.

Maybe it's also because he gave me the feeling we were a couple and then he said that we can't be together... men
For me a lot of things were new, maybe that's why it's hard to let go and we live in different countries, which makes it harder for me... he doesn't have that feeling, he's 7 years older.
Actually it's quite complicated and I don't know if I make sense...

 

[lady luck]

You make sense, Amélie!
I don't dare to ask you more because I don't want to sound like an awful curious girl.
What I have understood recently is that "a part" is not enough. You can and must have it all.

And if you have doubts about a relation you're in, well I think you should ask yourself why you have doubts and how to solve them!

 

[lady luck]

Is that you in your avatar, Amélie?
Love that hat!

 

[Amélie]

You make sense, Amélie!
I don't dare to ask you more because I don't want to sound like an awful curious girl.
What I have understood recently is that "a part" is not enough. You can and must have it all.

And if you have doubts about a relation you're in, well I think you should ask yourself why you have doubts and how to solve them!

I really appreciate your help!!
But well I think I just have to move on... I had it all with that guy and it was fun, but it's over... and that's annoying, well that's how I feel it.
I had a very rough time the last months but I'm starting to feel better, although there are still unpleasant moments.

If you are curious you can email me amelie_842002@yahoo.com

and yes it's me in the avatar. I like my hat too

 

[Palace_Hero]

I honestly think it is a bit of a woman thing to like being in an unhealthy relationship to an extent. The whole classic girl goes after the bad boy, for example. I don't know why you all do it to yourselves.

 

[For Honor]

It's the annoying feeling of on the one hand I know it's not good and healthy to be with that person. I know that and I realize that...
But on the other hand I still miss the feeling he gave me and I miss those good, nice times.

Maybe it's also because he gave me the feeling we were a couple and then he said that we can't be together... men
For me a lot of things were new, maybe that's why it's hard to let go and we live in different countries, which makes it harder for me... he doesn't have that feeling, he's 7 years older.
Actually it's quite complicated and I don't know if I make sense...

7 years older?

ah, there you go - that's inauspicious.
Chinese zodiac........ trust me..................

if someone is 7 years older than you, I would advise being careful. It can be done... but..... aren't you two at least a little bit opposite eath other?


anyhow, all my statements in this post are theoretical, just stabbing in the dark.

 

[For Honor]

Yeah, I agree PH
guys do it too, and it disgusts me......


It's feeling with your heart, and not thinking with your head, some people say....

And then some people put up with the worst things just because they are afraid of being alone. Even worse when they KNOW they can do better...

ugh, now that brings back bad memories myself...

too much "witnessing" in my days.............

 

[For Honor]

It's the annoying feeling of on the one hand I know it's not good and healthy to be with that person. I know that and I realize that...
But on the other hand I still miss the feeling he gave me and I miss those good, nice times.

Maybe it's also because he gave me the feeling we were a couple and then he said that we can't be together... men
For me a lot of things were new, maybe that's why it's hard to let go and we live in different countries, which makes it harder for me... he doesn't have that feeling, he's 7 years older.
Actually it's quite complicated and I don't know if I make sense...

One of the most empowering things I've ever learned was that you can still have your dream, but it doesn't have to be with that one person. Sooner or later, if you peresevere, you realize that you don't need that one person to be happy, and that real happiness comes from with in.

if you allow someone to take your happiness away
you can take your happiness back

don't forget

it is

YOUR

happiness, and not his, nor anyone else's............

 

[Amélie]

I honestly think it is a bit of a woman thing to like being in an unhealthy relationship to an extent. The whole classic girl goes after the bad boy, for example. I don't know why you all do it to yourselves.

For the record, before we kissed I didn't know that it would be unhealthy later. We both did what we wanted to do at that time.

And he wasn't a bad boy, he was a bit too soft

And what do you mean with classic girl? maybe you have a great explanation for that...

 

[Amélie]

Yeah, I agree PH
guys do it too, and it disgusts me......


It's feeling with your heart, and not thinking with your head, some people say....

And then some people put up with the worst things just because they are afraid of being alone. Even worse when they KNOW they can do better...

ugh, now that brings back bad memories myself...

too much "witnessing" in my days.............

In love it's always with my heart, thinking and love isn't going together for me... but sometimes it could be handy to think a bit more before you do certain things... not that I regret the things I did, absolutely not.

I'm not afraid of being alone, I've been alone for a long time so I'm used to it. I never had a relationship that lasted longer than one month

But it's true, some people can not bear the feeling of being alone, they feel something is missing.

And when I'm having a relationship I need space, so someone living in another country is not so bad for me.

 

[Laura M]

7 years older?

ah, there you go - that's inauspicious.
Chinese zodiac........ trust me..................

if someone is 7 years older than you, I would advise being careful. It can be done... but..... aren't you two at least a little bit opposite eath other?


anyhow, all my statements in this post are theoretical, just stabbing in the dark.

The worst relationship I have ever been in is with someone who was a year older than me. The rest were all at least 5 years older. Age never came into it as it never made a difference. I know of many couples who are up to 15 years apart and have been happily married for a long, long time.

I honestly think it is a bit of a woman thing to like being in an unhealthy relationship to an extent. The whole classic girl goes after the bad boy, for example. I don't know why you all do it to yourselves.

I hear some friends joking about finding a guy attractive because he looks a "bit bad" but I've never witnessed any of them purposely seek out someone who is going to hurt them. I would never do it either. I am spoiled with love and affection - I'd never trade that in to get treated badly. Personally, I don't know if anyone would swap what they have for a bad boy.

 

[lady luck]

what if the guy is 10 years older?

 

[lady luck]

I honestly think it is a bit of a woman thing to like being in an unhealthy relationship to an extent. The whole classic girl goes after the bad boy, for example. I don't know why you all do it to yourselves.

maybe we tend to think that bad boy means interesting boy...

 

[lady luck]

I really appreciate your help!!
But well I think I just have to move on... I had it all with that guy and it was fun, but it's over... and that's annoying, well that's how I feel it.
I had a very rough time the last months but I'm starting to feel better, although there are still unpleasant moments.

If you are curious you can email me amelie_842002@yahoo.com

and yes it's me in the avatar. I like my hat too

irresistable!I wrote ya!

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

maybe we tend to think that bad boy means interesting boy...

I don't know..isn't that true for men too? Sometimes I think I show too much of me and I get some compliments for how "nice" I am, but that is considered boring by some men. It's telling when I see them interested in a woman and I can see the "mean and nasty" side of that woman, but they can't. Maybe they can and they like it/don't care, or often times the woman is nice only around them.

I don't know, I think it goes both ways on that one.