Toxic People

[starsgoblue]

Does anyone have a person in their life that you just don't understand exactly why they do? I have a "friend" that constantly seems to return none of the favors I do, or make any effort to maintain contact with, etc. He doesn't exactly have his stuff together either and, to be honest, I'm growing in a much different direction than him and it is for the better. I adore my friend and although he ticks me off I still am always very happy for the small amount of time we ever actually do spend together. Do I just need to cut the line or what? I hope this makes sense...

 

[JCOSTER]

It does make sense, my toxic person is my mother

Is this friend bringing you down in any way?

 

[U2Girl1978]

I definitely know what you mean.

It's really hard to just cut someone off who has been your friend since kindergarten. There's a point where you have to say enough is enough.

 

[JanuaryStar]

Oh I know what you mean alright...

If you feel like he's taking up way too much of your energy, you really should say at one point that 'enough is enough', just like U2Girl1978 said above... There's no need to feel bad or down because of somebody who just doesn't know how to share love/friendship, and expecting not much in return, instead of only doing it because they're expecting something... Or, even more... Like you're saying, returning no favors at all...

Listen to your heart (although that may sound oh so cliché)

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

I had a friend like that I eventually cut from my life. She had been like my sister for eight years but I had to do it. It was hard, but I was much better off for it. We got in touch once or twice afterwards but it's been a good 2 1/2 years since I last saw her.

 

[starsgoblue]

Yea, it's not like he's really bring me down per se....only because my level of expectations for him has gown down alot a guess. I suppose I"m just mostly surprised that I want to hang out with him sometimes still!

 

[JCOSTER]

Sometimes friends give more than others, you may be the givee and he might be the recievee.

 

[Liesje]

Yes, one of my very best friends in high school was a klepto and stole from everyone, including repeatedly taking my little sister's lunch money from my parents house. She also stole hundreds from another friend's bank account from an ATM. I spent years trying to figure out what the deal was. She was one of my best friends, we got along splendid and always had a blast, but deep down I could never, ever trust her. She was always in denial about her problems. She also lied a lot or made up gossip so she could act like she always knew everything about everyone. Therapy didn't seem to help even though she was forced to go. I finally said I can't be your friend or respect you if you can't show any respect for yourself first and take responsibility for these things. She refused to admit she had any problems, so for the past four years we haven't done anything beyond saying hi and making small talk (she manages a Starbucks in the supermarket we shop at).

I don't know if it was low self-confidence, or just a "toxic" personality like you said, but all she did was stir up shit between people in our group of friends. I'll never understand it. It sucks because like you said about your friend, I would like to be friends and hang out, but why waste time on a relationship when I can't trust the other person?

I guess you have to ask yourself if you're really being used and if so, maybe it's time to let it go.

 

[TranceEnding]

stargsgoblue, why not have a friendly chat with your friend if you're a bit worried to see whats up?? I don't think he sounds like a bad and/or 'toxic' friend as such .. maybe just a busy one, or just not as committed to the friendship as maybe you feel?!

I think toxic people often have some low grade psychiatric disorder or something .. I'm 'trying' to be friends with someone who I have a few doubts about with regards to her behaviour. I think that if you feel at any time that you're being sabotaged, manipulated or put down, there's a problem! I'm not sure what to do myself ..

Maybe it's time to say .. 'sorry darl's ... it's not me, it's you!' (instead of the other way 'round ) and finish it!

 

[SunBloc]

Sometimes you have to move on, if that person is so toxic it's hurting your well-being. But, it might help just to give yourself a break of some sort from that person - just for a while.

The hard part is when its a close relative that's toxic, and you can't cut that tie. I still haven't figured out what to do in that case.

 

[starsgoblue]

Yea, what DO you do with a toxic relative? Grit your teeth?

 

[Cleasai]

Be always on the go as to avoid said relative

 

[TranceEnding]

well ... yeah, it's probably easier said than done but none of us should really have to grit our teeth for anyone, whether it's a friend or a relative.

Eventually, in any situation, you're gonna have to stand up for yourself and tell the person the truth and end the relationship (or the contact) if need be.

Or .. you can be like my sis (who is a much more courageous woman than I ) and tell that person to stop calling and harrasing and f- off!!! It did work .. she's GOOD!!! (Only to be used in dire circumstances )

 

[SunBloc]

 

[TranceEnding]

hee It WAS funny, I must say!

 

[BluRmGrl]

I had a toxic friend for about 5-6 years. I'd cut her out of my life, but always let her back in, in the hopes that she'd changed. She never did. It took a long time, but I finally realized that I couldn't offer her enough support & encouragement for her to turn around some bad decisions in her life - the more I gave, the more energy she sucked out of me.

I didn't want to be an ass & I didn't like the feeling that I was 'throwing away' someone who was no longer useful to me. I stuck out the friendship for a lonnnnng time trying to avoid that feeling! I finally came to the realization though, that she lived for drama & turmoil - she fed off the attention and pity it got her. I didn't want to live my life that way or be a party to her endless drama-thon, so I finally told her to just pretend I'd been part of her vivid imagination. She wasn't to call me, to come by my home, to stop by my work, or to call my parent's home looking for me - I told her she was dead to me & I needed to be dead to her. It actually felt good to be so vicious & mean to her... and I'm still ashamed to admit that, but it's the truth.

Anyway, I've had to remain firm about my decision because to this day - some 5 years later! - she will still occassionally call my house when she's in town, trying to reconnect with me.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do, whether it's let your ties gradually slip away or brutally whack them. In the end, if someone's not contributing to your life in some way, shape or form - cut 'em loose.

 

[starsgoblue]

I agree, BluRmGrl. I had a friend in the past just like your old one. She simply could not handle life unless there was some giant drama for her to rally support and attenition on. If she wasn't having problems with someone, she would basically start self-destructing. I am so glad I cut ties with her.

Luckily, the problems I am having with this other friend is not as bad. Just more of an issue that I'm someone to spend time with when nothing else with him is goin on....I have decided that if he wants to make contact I am fine with it but I'm not going to pursue maintenance of the friendship unless he initiates some action....

 

[BluRmGrl]

[BLuckily, the problems I am having with this other friend is not as bad.... [/B]

I am glad to hear that. And so long as you're not putting your plans on hold waiting for this guy to call you when he's got nothing better to do, I don't see any problem with you getting together whenever you can. I've got a couple of friends like that as well - we may only talk to each other twice a year, but that's OK with us. We realize our lives keep us from spending more time together & that even if we did, we'd probably wish we hadn't!

I think it takes all level & strength of friends for your life to be complete. You know - there's the friend(s) you can't go more than 2 days without talking to; there's the friends that you only know from your kickboxing class; there's the super supportive friends at work who've never socialized with you beyond your lunch hour; and then there are the dear friends that you only catch up with a few times a year. Do you care for any of them any less because of the quantity of time you spend with them? I wouldn't think you do. If you're OK with being his 'backup friend' , then let it be & just enjoy your time together.

Save the worry for other stuff.... like how to get back to Dublin ASAP.

 

[fly so high!]

Everyone needs to do a friend-cull every so often! I thinf it's necessary especially when these relationships can affect you emotionally............i've done it a couple of times in my life.....and my grandmother who is 77 did a friend-cull only last month.............there were these two friends she had,i've known them all my life...so they were friends for about 30 years!
The reason: My grandmother had just learned that they were extremely racist towards Aboriginals....they were disgusted that my Grandmother thought it beneficial to study in aboriginal studies....so my grandma "culled" them.

 

[TranceEnding]

^^ You're grandma's COOL !

 

[SunBloc]

Your grandmother sounds like a strong woman, fly so high!

Racist people

 

[starsgoblue]

I am glad to hear that. And so long as you're not putting your plans on hold waiting for this guy to call you when he's got nothing better to do, I don't see any problem with you getting together whenever you can. I've got a couple of friends like that as well - we may only talk to each other twice a year, but that's OK with us. We realize our lives keep us from spending more time together & that even if we did, we'd probably wish we hadn't!

I think it takes all level & strength of friends for your life to be complete. You know - there's the friend(s) you can't go more than 2 days without talking to; there's the friends that you only know from your kickboxing class; there's the super supportive friends at work who've never socialized with you beyond your lunch hour; and then there are the dear friends that you only catch up with a few times a year. Do you care for any of them any less because of the quantity of time you spend with them? I wouldn't think you do. If you're OK with being his 'backup friend' , then let it be & just enjoy your time together.

Save the worry for other stuff.... like how to get back to Dublin ASAP.

Wonderful post.

Oh, and yea...I'm going back to Dublin 14 days from today... Just covering all my bases!

 

[BluRmGrl]

Oh, and yea...I'm going back to Dublin 14 days from today... Just covering all my bases!

'

OK - I mean this in the nicest, I'm-not-jealous-at-all kind of way: DAMN YOU!!!


Actually, I'm thrilled for you and hope you have twice as much fun this time as the last!! Stay alert & travel safe, 'kay?

 

[ArrogantU2Fan]

Yes toxic people can drain you emotionally, spiritually and if one is not careful can drag you into their toxic life....I am dealing with the loss of a friend of 32 years....it is very hard....we have always been there for each other...She is addicted to "ice" and has been extremely mean to me...she got clean asked my forgiveness and I forgave her...now she is back on it....she did some things that were so hurtful to me that I really cannot have her in my life anymore.....she broke our trust and has stolen a lot of my possessions. Even if she straightens herself out...I just cannot trust her anymore and she has hurt me so deeply I just don't see myself ever trusting her again....I have definately gone through all the stages of grief and still cry when I remember some of the things she said to me!! I trusted her more than anyone in the world....Love Susan

 

[DILETTANTE]

Does anyone have a person in their life that you just don't understand exactly why they do? I have a "friend" that constantly seems to return none of the favors I do, or make any effort to maintain contact with, etc. He doesn't exactly have his stuff together either and, to be honest, I'm growing in a much different direction than him and it is for the better. I adore my friend and although he ticks me off I still am always very happy for the small amount of time we ever actually do spend together. Do I just need to cut the line or what? I hope this makes sense...

You haven't mentionned what -- if anything -- you've done to try to address the situation. This might be worth doing if you truly "adore" your friend and are "always very happy" when you spend time together. Your friend may have absolutely no idea how you've been feeling. Behavior that you may view as "favors" your friend may view as normal in the context of a friendship. At any rate, before you decide to cut off your friendship, if it truly is a friendship, you might consider talking with your friend about what you expect of friendship -- and what you feel has been happening. I'm not sure what you might mean by "doesn't have his stuff together", but your friend may be struggling with concerns that leave little time and energy for the efforts that you expect to "maintain contact" and "return favors".
Only you know what this relationship has been like in the past -- and what it might be worth to you at present. But as someone who has had periods in my life when personal concerns took priority over time for friends -- and as someone who has had friends in similar situations, I think that having the courage to risk a straighforward conversation about your relationship with someone you "adore" would be worthwhile.