Tit for Tat?

[katiebu21]

Should a friendship be tit for tat? When your friends with someone do you need to keep track of everything you do for that person and everything they do for you?

Before today I would have said no because I'm always there for my friends no matter what. If it's money they need and I can spare it, it's theirs...if it's my time they need, they've always got it.

I was always way too generous with my money. I think it's part of the reason I don't have any now. I'd loan money to a friend in a heartbeat or I would pay if we were going somewhere and they didn't have money.

I've never pointed a finger at anyone or ever made lists of things I did for them. That's why I didn't appreciate it when today a friend of mine,

a) accused me of not paying back money borrowed
b) listed all the things she's done for me

I've been out of work for 6 months and yes I've been down and out, but I thought friendship was about being there in good times and bad. It pisses me off because it's like she just expects people to do for her, but never wants to acknowledge that they are in fact going out of their way to help her out. God forbid she goes out of her way for anybody and when she actually does...a scene similiar to today plays out.

In the end, she realized she was wrong today but not before making me feel like a piece of shit. I did pay her the money back but she didn't remember until I filled her in...I guess she's not all that good at keeping track.

 

[Tilli]

It shouldn't be like this, but it depends on the personalities involved I expect. Once someone is like this with you - pointing out what things they do for you, then you find yourself doing the same to them eventually. However, perhaps she would benefit from having somethings pointed out to her. I don't mean let it get petty, but maybe she needs to realise that it isn't a one way street or about counting up the "good deeds" you do for your friends.

I very rarely lend my friends money (I am not saying you shouldn't, just that I know from past experience that where money is involved it can get nasty) and I wouldn't borrow money off them either, just 'cos I don't like owing money to anyone. Maybe she needs to just say no to people where money is concerned if she gets wound up about it or can't keep track of it!

 

[katiebu21]

Right now I could think of a few things she would benefit from...
Seriously though, she'd have to be reasonable for me to sit and have a conversation like that and I don't think she is.

You're right, it can get nasty when money is involved.

 

[Carek1230]

Sorry to hear about this katiebu. Don't know how long you two have been friends or the strength of the friendship, but I would be rather honest with this friend right her eand right now telling them how wrong they are and set everything straight. I'd then ask how important the friendship really is to them because good friendship should be unconditional, the relationship where there's an even amount of give and get and a lot of no questions asked, it's just the rules......without keeping track cuz that's just BS. If the friendship is really worth it you will both be able to move on from this. I've learned many times my sincerity and honesty has been taken advantage of and it hurts. I t does kinda make one feel like shit but I can walk away knowing I was the honest one, the true friend. I never loan people money anymore though

 

[Bonochick]

I don't keep track of stuff like that with my friends. I remember in high school particularly, I'd often buy my friends stuff to eat and drink or whatever because...

1. I like doing things for my friends.
2. I figure they'll come through for me with something if I'm ever short on $$$.

I guess I feel that, between friends, things just even out. Yeah, I just paid for your pop...but you paid for my burger last week. And if it doesn't all even out...oh well. That's what friends are for.

 

[katiebu21]

I don't keep track of stuff like that with my friends. I remember in high school particularly, I'd often buy my friends stuff to eat and drink or whatever because...

1. I like doing things for my friends.
2. I figure they'll come through for me with something if I'm ever short on $$$.

I guess I feel that, between friends, things just even out. Yeah, I just paid for your pop...but you paid for my burger last week. And if it doesn't all even out...oh well. That's what friends are for.

Exactly. That was very well said.

 

[Bonochick]

I remember a particularly rough time when I was unemployed after college and couldn't find a job (my job was on campus, so my employment ended upon graduation). With no money coming in, I either had to dip into my savings or rely on handouts from Dad...which meant I tried to spend conservatively. When my friends would want to go out to dinner or drinks or something, I'd tell them I really couldn't afford it. They would want me to go out with them, so they would often pay for me. I would sometimes feel guilty about it, but they told me that they knew if it was the other way around, I would help them the same way...which is true.

 

[AtomicBono]

I don't keep track of stuff like that with my friends. I remember in high school particularly, I'd often buy my friends stuff to eat and drink or whatever because...

1. I like doing things for my friends.
2. I figure they'll come through for me with something if I'm ever short on $$$.

I guess I feel that, between friends, things just even out. Yeah, I just paid for your pop...but you paid for my burger last week. And if it doesn't all even out...oh well. That's what friends are for.

I'm in high school and my friends and I are the same way. I've bought food for them many times, but I don't expect anything back for it. I'm fortunate enough to have money so it's no big deal to me. Sometimes my friends cover for me and sometimes they'll buy me food even if I have money 'cause they're awesome like that.

I think keeping track of shit like that is dumb. Now, if it's something really big, or something you make clear you need payed back when you first give it out, that's one thing. But people shouldn't get petty with it, especially if someone isn't in a great financial situation.

 

[girlhappy]

I believe it is beyond money. I think it is what katiebu was trying to say. Money is just expression of something ugly that comes out of some people when you are down. my experience with love and money in friendship was pretty much the same. I was paying all for my friends when they were unemployed and more than that..i was really there for them. Bonochick probably knows what is like to be unemployed and what else besides lack of money comes with it. Emotional insecurity etc--They NEVER asked me how i was doing being unemployed. It hurts more than the fact they didnt buy me one drink at the time. So, how do they say?What goes around, comes around?I dont know, but sometimes i feel there must be some justice in this world after all. i really feel exploited by many of my ex "friends" (i was in use before they found boyfriend or job, how retarded is that????)

 

[katiebu21]

I'd never kick anybody when they were down and I'd never try to take money from someone who doesn't have any (even if I was really owed), and that is what she did to me the other day.

I don't intend to actually start keeping track of things I do for my friends or for other people. I was angry because I accepted help from this person and was made to feel like a loser for doing so. Never in a million years would I ever do that to her.

I guess I have to approach friendship with this person much differently than I've ever had to before. I now know for sure that if I do something for her, she won't appreciate it at all. Also I know that if she helps me in anyway she'll always hold it over my head if we happen to disagree on something. So I guess what has to happen is we just shouldn't help each other at all?

 

[Mrs. Edge]

Have you had a serious talk with her about this? Did she apologize for saying you hadn't paid her back when you did? Either way, I tend to say exactly what I think, so if it were me I'd tell her that I really didn't appreciate this awful treatment. Definitely friendship is not some signed contract as to who gets what and when. Of course friends can treat each other to things, but even that can get very one sided with some people. We have friends who were constantly mooched on by someone who was very manipulative and eventually it had to stop, and it got to the point where they didn't want to hang out together anymore.

One thing I've learned is NEVER to lend money to friends. It never ends well, I know this from experience.

Good luck and I hope you can salvage the friendship, but be sure to stick up for yourself, you deserve it.

 

[Molly Bloom]

I understand completely why you were hurt.
I have friends who think, just because my guy and I are secure, that we ought to pay for everything.
I had one person get angry at me because I would not give them the last glass of wine in a bottle because I wanted my man to try it when he got home. It didn't matter that I had ordered pizza, given them wine already and am always the one paying for things.
They said since the wine wasn't ESSENTIAL to me I was being selfish!
I am still sore about that one...

 

[YBORCITY]

I've always wondered who Tat was and how come he gets so much Ti



Sorry it's been a very long week at the office.....