Thinking of killing myself

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I hope Joerags and everyone else is doing well. This was an incredibly difficult thread for me to read, but at the same time it was very heartening to find some caring, compassionate people. This should not be too surprising considering we're U2 fans.

I, too, have struggled with the black depths of depression and thoughts of suicide. I sometimes thought it would be so easy to OD on my sleeping pills. But no, as difficult as my life may be, I must "walk on." I've got truly wonderful friends. I'm healthy. I'm writing and editing a local magazine that's getting great feedback. I'm graduating with honors later this month. And of course, if I offed myself, I wouldn't be listening to the latest U2 CD with fills me with such joy.

As for the looks thing. I'm afraid, as a society, we've become too wrapped up on the outside trappings. It's all about how someone looks, or the car one drives, or the designer hand bag, or the expensive lunches rather than what's on the inside. This is something that really needs to be dealt with.
 
Depression is not something many can fight on their own. I've actually never heard of someone overcoming it alone.
Get a team together to help you. A team of professionals if you can afford it, friendly ears who can just listen, family, any friends, your pets, a dog is always good for listening, anyone and everyone. Gather your support and work together Joe. It's hard to do it alone. So don't, let people help.

Also, ask your mind what beauty is. See if your mind can actually answer that. I bet it cant.

(I only read one of these pages so apologies if this is no longer relevant, if it ever was lol)

Take it easy mate.
 
Joe, I've been there. It's not worth it. I once had the gun in mouth, no lie. If I had the money I'd come and visit you in New Jersey and take you out and show you how beautiful life is. I'd show you how to get some confidence.

I don't like giving out my email here but please email me if you need to talk to someone. It's redarin@hotmail.com

You're a sports editor right? If you are in the Chicago area please let me know and I'll meet with you and show you how amazing life can be. We can go check out a Bulls game, I'm sure tickets are very easy to get this season.:wink:
 
Dear Joe, Hun i know you have had so many responses of people telling you how life is so precious. I started struggling with depression when i was about to turn 16. I grew up in a very abusive physically, emotionally, verbally, and mentally family. Music was very big in my family. I was a singer in choir, ice skater, and dancer. So I had alot to distract me from my pain until i hit High School. From there it was down hill. I had a wierd illness hit me, which is hard to explain. It was a mental illness that controlled me. I had delusional thinking, i became extremely insecure and i had the worst sadness and lonliness i ever felt in my life. My friends started to leave me alone and i had no one to trust anymore. I was in such a dark place it terrified me. Music kept me going some how. I would fantasize about suicide and about death. In 84 my father was diagnosed with cancer. They said it was terminal. I had no friends to turn to and no one could understand what i was going through. He died Aug 22nd 84. I decided that was it , I wanted to go with him. How could he leave me? I was so angry with the god i believed in at the time. well in 84 i bought The Unforgettable Fire. I was hooked and then i saw the concert. When they played Bad, a feeling came over me and I started to cry and i felt so close to my father. It felt that Bono was singing to me and that i could almost touch his hand. Anyway, the depression stayed through High School into my 20's. Everyday i prayed for god to take me from this messed up world. I didn't feel attractive and guys never approached me. It was how i felt on the inside. I was nice looking and had a cute figure but i hated everyone and everything. I tried to take my life three times in my 30's by overdosing on my medication with some alcohol. Al it did was make me sick and beyond sleepy and they had to pump my stomach. Well it got to a point in 99 my grandfather died. He was more of a father than my own and again I was devistated. This time i didn't know who I was . I looked through his eyes to see myself, he was my backbone. I stated to dabble in the drug alcohol life style. I didn't care what happened to me , as long if i didn't wake up in the morning. My mom was worried and i was taking a medication steriod that caused both my hips to deteriorate. I could barely walk and i had a limp for the first time ever in my life. i went fora year to find a doctor that could find the problem and i didn't. No one had an answer to my suffering. well in August 31 2001 I went into detox to get sober. I was in detox when 9/11 happened. It was insane. I hated god and why was I going through all of this stuff. I now had to live a sober life and be in the program of A.A. For me to live i had to find a power greater than myself. I had two choices now in life,live or die. It has taken me 3 years and 3 months of sobriety to finally have a feeling of joy. well actually the end of 83 to now to have some joy in my life. it is because of a higher power which i choose to call God of my understanding. I have come out of the dark hole and actually see the light now. I now choose to live and to live a life of surrender. I believe we have no control over people places and things in lfe. it is what we do with ourselves and how we react to life. When i was sick i had two hip replacements at 34. I was blown up like a balloon and not one guy would talk to me or even say hi. I have grown up in a city of shallow people and money, Los Angeles. I was one of them until i lost my looks. I began to pray to god to change me on the inside. My inside was the soul that was ugly. when i began to think positive, which is a feat for myself, learned to start liking me, it has changed and it is a miracle. I mean a true blessing. Asking for god to help me love me and to be of service to other people, places and things. I am still chunky but men are coming up to me and telling me i look great and that something has changed about me. It is from working this 12 step program. I still don't get asked out on dates and i haven't had an intimate relations with a man in over 3 years and i am 37. But it is starting to be ok because i am not going to settle for someone who wants me but for me to be with someone I want to really be with and not sell myself short anymore. I really hope you read this . I know this thread is over a month old. I look forward to listen and hear about u2 everday. the new album is good and there really are some great sonngs on it. Here is my address, please write to me if you can. I would like to hear how you are doing. Ultraswt67@aol.com God Bless:wink: :wink: It's just a moment, this time will passsss!"
 
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Hey man, you need someone there to help you, tell someone close to you, a member of my family is currently suffering from depression and even though Im only 16 if I wasn't there for her things would be alot worse she tells me that because Im around if gives her a reason to move closer to getting better, and she will, and you will to, it wont happen in half an hour, and yes it will be hard, but the reward of being able to live your life will be worth it..
 
Hi Joe..well you know it might sound trite, but there are so many people who are considered "beautiful" in this world who are downright ugly in other ways. I consider beautiful people as works of art to be admired in that way, but if there's nothing else to go w/ that, they're just empty and useless.

You are feeling pain and it's a normal feeling to want that pain to end, but there are other ways to end it.

I don't know how old you are, but I think as you get older it's easier to not care about thinking people will reject you because of that. You just have to try to say to yourself, if they are like that, F them :D The more you say that, the easier it gets.

I've been where you are Joe, and I still am sometimes. But if you can muddle through and love yourself enough in spite of it all, it's just about the best feeling in the world. God has helped me, it's certainly up to you if you want to ask Him for his help. That's a very personal decision.

There are many people in this world who are "popular" and who wear a mask, but who are terribly lonely in reality.

:hug: s Joe, I wish you all the best

And I'm so glad BVS that you stayed around, it would have been quite a loss if you hadn't :hug:
 
Well, here i go, the world in my opinion is a wonderful place to be, we all have to put our bit back into it though, the whole good looking/ ugly personality thing is a very complex and at times difficult thing to fully understand people can be stereotypical about good looking people too, that said depression can hit ANYONE at anytime for any amount of reasons, We all got to get on with life, cause there's always somebody worse off than us.

Anyway just had to have my say.

Good Luck to everyone.
 
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Wow, I am just speechless. Thanks everyone for all of your support. It REALLY, REALLY means a lot to me.
Unfortunately, this thing just comes and goes. One moment, I am just in a great mood, very sociable and kind and jovial. Then I look in the mirror, and I just think, "God, you are so ugly." Believe me, I hate feeling like this. I really do. I have struggled with this now for at least 20 years. I am 31 now. I hate this. I really do. Why can't I just say, "Joe, there is nothing wrong with you" and really make it stick. Sometimes, I say this, and I believe it, but then moments later, I'm back at square one.
When I first posted this, the new album didn't come out. When the new album came out, I read somewhere that the song "Original of the Species" was about one of Edge's daughters feeling the same way I am feeling. And I read that the song has moved Edge to tears. In the K-Rock radio interview here in New York a few weeks ago, Bono talked about how the song was about looking yourself in the mirror and not liking what you see. Wow, that really just hit home for me. I can relate to Edge's daughter.
I'm still going to bed at night saying to myself that I don't want to wake up. And every morning when I do wake up, I feel so down because I am still alive.
I really hate this. I don't want to feel like this. I am really afraid that one day I am going to do it; I am going to kill myself. That it's going to be so bad that I am going to say, F*** it, I don't care about anything in this world; just end it. I don't want to reach that point. I really don't.
I keep questioning to myself, "Is there hope?" And I am truly wishing that there has to be hope. What I need to do is just try to keep a positive attitude. If I keep a positive attitude, people will see that and really see what kind of person I am, not what I look physically. They won't care what I look physically. They'll only care that I just a down-to-earth kind of guy who is just like everybody else, with a good spirit and a good heart.
Anyway, take care everybody. I hope you guys are enjoying the new album.
 
I'm thrilled you're still with us, joerags. You should go out and do stuff that shows a) you care about the world b) the world cares about you. Try volunteering at a daycare or something like that. Seeing the sparkle in kids eyes as they look at you and that feeling as you play with them might help. :shrug:


What do i know, there are lots of other people here who know what they're talking about but that's my 2¢. Glad you're still here!!!! :hug:
 
Joe, RIse above that superficial whats on the outside crap.
you arent alone ...alot of us feel that way
dont give up
 
Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. Keep thinking positive!!!!!!!!!!!!!:heart: :heart: :heart:
 
one of my best friends was/is in the same position. the emotions and feelings may be slightly different ... but the foundation of loneliness, depression, and self-blame are the same. i wrote a song for her and one her other friends also sang. we gave it to her saying that we know that things are bad, we're not here to say that you don't have problems, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. the last lines of the song go like this:

Forwards and Backwards

"you've looked at it forwards and backwards for years
but it always ends in a river of your own tears
pusing its way to a far away place
an ocean whose shoreline is the silhouette of your face
you've looked at it forwards and backwards i know
but the more you blame yourself, the more it will show
just follow those tears, and don't be scared
the ocean is clear, and the tides will embrace you there"

if you click on the "www" link on the bottom of this post you can download it. i was also in a similar position a couple of years ago, and i wrote a song called "secrets lost in dark corners" which you can also get below. music has done wonders for me and many people around me. sometimes it's the actual music, sometimes it's the vocals, sometimes it's just the lyrics that are sung, and sometimes it's the whole song combined. it's one of the things that can save someone without even being taylored specifically for them. i don't know you, i can't truly feel the way you feel, but when i sing i hope i can reach you. and i'm happy that u2 can do the same for you as well.
 
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joerags said:
For the past few days, I have had no desire to live. Throughout my entire life, I have always felt that I am ugly physically. I have never had a girlfriend, never had sex and never been kissed by a girl. The reason is: I am ugly. I know people say that looks aren't everything. It's the personality and what's inside a person that matters. But for me, I cannot believe that. We live a world where looks are the most important thing in life.
I have tried to say to myself, "Don't look at yourself in the mirror. Just be who you are and people will like you for who you are." There are times where I have been in high spirits, but then I regress and feel like an utter loser who is the ugliest person in the world. I can't take this misery anymore. Every night when I go to bed, I always say to myself, "I hope I don't wake up." Dying in your sleep is the best way to die. Sometimes, I wish I came down with cancer. This way, I won't have to kill myself. I know I'll be dead if I had cancer.
Why I am writing this? Maybe it's because I just want the world to know how I feel and this will be my suicide note. I want to turn to God and Jesus. Sometimes it works. I think about God and knowing that He wants everybody to feel that life is a precious gift and that everybody is worthy, no matter how you look and what... Sometimes I feel convinced of that, but then I go back to thinking that it doesn't matter; I am ugly and nobody likes me.
Why do we live in a world that values looks? Why? I really can't take this anymore.
I am trying to think about what brings me joy. And I have come to the conclusion that the only thing that really brings me joy is U2 music. Since I was 12 years, I have followed them religiously every single day. It has been 19 years and counting. If there is anything that will keep me going and living, it's the new album. Maybe I should just focus on the anticipation for the new album and not think about this terrible problem that I have. I hope it works. God, give me strength.


Oh boy! Joerags, I know you posted this several weeks back, but I really hope you read this......
Your post hit a major nerve of mine when I read how the new album is about the only thing that will keep you going - tears started to well up in my eyes when I read this.
I too, went through a very tough time personally back about 7/8 years ago and it was very intense in early 1997. I woke up each day and had to decide what it was gonna be: death or just pushing on without thinking. There was no other decisions to make, I was too 'unwell' to take on anything else but to choose to keep living, or barely living. Honestly, the only glimmer of hope I had was the fact that U2 were to release a new album. U2 were (are) my life, and I said to myself even if I just lived to hear the new album (Pop) I should keep going for that....
But life DOES and WILL get better. Please, just focus on what you do have find the positive in every situation - write them down!
Remeber those who are in very bad situations in the world....focus on improving your attitude - this will transform your life!
And whenever it feels like you're getting nowhere, turn to U2's music - listen to the words- you're bound to feel a hell of a lot better! I think all of us fans turn to their music at some point to comfort us. I can honestly say they saved my life and continue to help me......you're not alone Joerags - remember that!! :)
 
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