Thinking of killing myself

[u2valleygirl]

Everyone's words are so powerful hear. Nurse Chrissi, you have tremendous insight from seeing death every day.

Joerags, please get some help. I have had some close calls with my brother this week. At this very minute I just talked him into going to the E.R.. He lives in Boise I am in CA. My mom is with him. He is going through hell right now and is not thinking clearly.
Please get some help. Please.

All of your accounts have helped me know that my brother is not alone. Please stay safe. Joerags, you are a special and brave person for coming on this board and asking for help.

 

[mystery girl]

Hi joerags, I don't know you or anything, but I'm glad you feel differently to when you wrote your first post!

I really think everyone is beautiful in their own way. Some people are more "classically" good looking than others, but no one is "ugly", in my opinion.

To me - and I'm sure I'm not the only female who feels this way - it's a guy's individuality and *uniqueness* (both physical and personality-wise) that make him attractive, rather than movie-star looks, or whatever. In fact, I'm often put off by guys who are considered conventionally good looking, as they tend to have a bit of an ego! They also tend to be pretty boring people, as they rely on their looks so much that they don't really develop their personalities. I'm sure you will find a girl who appreciates you and the way you look.

So don't be so hard on yourself! Although - as you know - this is a cliche, being a good person and having a good personality REALLY ARE what is important. I mean, if you think about it, no one wants to be around someone who is, for example, egotistical and arrogant, even if they look fantastic. I really hope you will come to have more confidence about yourself.

 

[e edge]

hey joerags! speak to us. first you write you want to kill yourself and then you disappear. what should we think? just say everything is fine with you....

 

[TheBrazilianFly]

Yeah I wanna hear how you're doing Joe!

 

[Mark Freedman]

He did. Check down the first page. It's good news.

 

[TheBrazilianFly]

But that was 3 days ago. We need more.

 

[joerags]

I have been feeling better, but there are still moments where I think about dying and taking my life. I still go to bed thinking to myself that I don't want to wake up. I say to myself, "please don't let me wake up." And then when I wake up in the morning, it's a big downer and I think "Oh no, I am still alive" and I become so sad.
I have been dealing with this for all of my life. And believe me, I hate it. Why don't I have any self-esteem??? Why?? I hate this. I still can't look at myself in the mirror, and that's a good thing. I have to just not think about how I look and just be myself and people will see that I am a good guy.
I feel like Laura in the play "The Glass Menagerie" Laura is a young girl who is handicapped; she can't walk straight because of a birth defect. Every time she walks she is so self-conscience; she has this notiion that everybody notices that she is handicapped and she feels ashamed and embarassed. But one guy who visits her house says he never notices her handicap, but she can't believe him. I really understand how Laura feels.
What it comes down to is I just need to accept who I am. This is who I am and I need to be proud of who I am. But believe me, it's tough. I am hoping one day that I will be proud of who I am. I need help. I have an illness. Now, it's time for me to do something to get rid of this illness forever. I wish it could be as simple as slapping myself in the face and saying "Snap out of it. You are not ugly. You are a good guy." I want to feel good about myself. I want to have self-esteem. I don't want to live like this anymore. I have to take it day by day. I have to look forward to things, like the new U2 album. I know that will definitely cheer me up. I am going to try. I am going to try to cure this illness. I have to. I just have to. God, give me strength.

 

[starsgoblue]

Joe, your insight is amazing. Your description of The Glass Menagerie somehow made me appreciate a play that I never enjoyed....you have a gift with words. You should consider writing...I find it very cathartic.

Joe, I know very well that isn't isn't going to be as simple as just telling yourself to "Snap out of it". And don't ever let anyone say that to you. I am very proud to see you have some fight left in you! You don't have to do this alone either, it's not a sign of weakness to ask for help. And Joe, you can always always talk to me. You can email me anytime.




Psalm 34:18

 

[Another U2 nut!]

And even if nothing will make you change your mind and make you believe that you are not ugly, then do what I do: say, "Yep, I'm ugly, but I don't give a damn. That's the way I am, and everyone else can just deal with it."

I too used to constantly worry about being 'ugly', and I do realise that this world is so shallow and vain, and it irritates the hell out of me!!! I also avoided mirrors. But I just learned not to care about being 'ugly'! I try to present myself in the best way I can, and go on with my life.

Use positive self talk- think not, "I am single because I am ugly", think: "I am single because I haven't met the right woman," or "I'm single because I haven't met anyone good enough for me." Works for me. My mum is worried cuz I'm 24 and never had a relationship with a guy (apart from having a million friends) but it doesn't bother me. There's a time for everything.

And lemme tell you this, the hottest guy I ever knew was balding, had a big nose, slouching posture, podgy tummy and wonky teeth- but he had the most incredible personality I ever saw! He was the nicest, wittiest, most totally BONOWORTHY guy. He was totally comfortable with who he was, and it just radiated from him. He was not afraid to be himself, like he'd said to himself, "Yep, I'm a geek, but this is who I am, and I'm going to have a great life."

Don't give a damn about what other people think- just be your kind, intelligent, self!

 

[oliveu2cm]

Hi Joe,

I'm wondering if there is someone you can speak to about this. Is there a doctor you trust, or a guidance counsellor (I don't know if you are in college or what). Please talk to a professional about this. You are not alone in these thoughts- Bono repeatedly says how he hated what he saw in the mirror when he was younger (and how that hate is not from him, but from this crazy society).

Please, please find a professional to speak with. This is nothing to be ashamed with. You are battling, and you are winning. We don't even know each other but I, like everyone else here, wants you to keep on winning. You don't need to go on by yourself- there are so many intelligent people who are trained in this field. Talking with one of them may give you more ideas on how to beat this and start living the vivacious life you are meant to live!

Carrie

 

[Danospano]

I checked out that book, "Veronika Decides to Die" and I'm about 50 pages into it. So far it's pretty good, and seems to be describing your feelings and feelings I've possessed about death and suicide, so you should check it out. As I'm only 1/4 through the text I can't say it's going to accompish its goal: living for yourself before all else is a catalyst for self-esteem, but its very poetic and great reading material.

Maybe this could be a book everyone reads and we can further our dialogue about the subject.

 

[TheBrazilianFly]

Damn Paulo Coelho is really popular isn't he?

Anyway it's good to know you're doing better Joe, your doubts are normal for someone who seems to be deep in depression as you seem to be. I have said this before and so have others, go look for professional help. It might make a diference for you. And keep faith and hope alive!

 

[meegannie]

I've really been wanting to read that book, but it's like £7.99 in the shops.

 

[TheBrazilianFly]

Hey Joe, the new album has leaked. It leaked in the right moment I guess, uh? By the way have you ever listened to the song The Unnamed Feeling from Metallica? It's quite amazing. You can totally see it as it being about depression. Please listen to it. It's pretty amazing. I can e-mail it for you if you want to. Here are the lyrics:


THE UNNAME DFEELING

Been here before (6x)

Been here before couldn't say I liked it
Do I start writing all this down
Just let me plug you into my world
Can't you help me be uncrazy

Name this for me, cheat the cold air
Take the chill off of my life
And if I could I'd turn my eyes
To look inside to see what's coming

It comes alive (3x)
And I die a little more
It comes alive (3x)
Each moment here I die a little more
Oh, I die, I die, I die a little more..

Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away

(Been here before) (6x)

I'm frantic in your soothing arms
I cannot sleep in this down filled world
Found safety in this loneliness
But I cannot stand it anymore

I cross my heart hope not to die
Swallow evil, ride the sky
Lose myself in a crowded room
You fool, you fool, it'll be here soon

It comes alive (3x)
And I die a little more
It comes alive (3x)
Each moment here I die a little more
Oh, I die, I die, I die a little more..

Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Treats me this way
And I wait for this train
Toes over the line
Then the unnamed feeling
It takes me away, it takes me..

Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away
Yeah, it takes me away

Bridge:
Get the f**k out of here
I just wanna get the f**k away from me
I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
I hate it all, why why why me?

I cannot sleep with a head like this
I wanna cry, I wanna scream
I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
I wanna hate it all away

Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Treats me this way
And I wait for this train
Toes over the line
Then the unnamed feeling
It takes me away, it takes me..

I have a depression problem, so I know how you feel. Don't let the unnamed feeling take you.

 

[jimmyslapnutz]

dude, suicide is for losers. suck it up!

 

[smooshcat]

I've really been wanting to read that book, but it's like £7.99 in the shops.

Check out charity shops. I volunteer in one, we get pretty new books in all the time, and only charge 50p/£1. They are the best place to buy books, unless you really need a mint condition one, although the books we sell are all in pretty good condition.

Sorry to take thread off track
to joerags and everyone.

 

[j0eiseph]

Wow, I registered on this site a couple years ago and haven't checked it until today. I cant help but feel that I needed to see this thread.

Joe, please write me an e-mail, my adress is J0eiseph@aol.com

I know how hard life can be and sometimes you just need a friend or someone to talk to in order to get things off your chest. I am always available to talk to about anything as I'm sure almost everyone here is. Please, just drop us a line, I'm always looking for a new friend.

Anyways, my prayers go out to you as you go through this. Just remember, Sometimes You Cant Make it On Your Own and hopefully some of us can help carry the load. Hope to hear from ya.

 

[Bonochick]

dude, suicide is for losers. suck it up!

While I understand your sentiment...what a horrible comment...and it violates the rules at Interference. Consider this a warning...and you may want to review the FAQ.

 

[xtal]

Joerags, you sound like I feel sometimes. I'm sure everyone, EVERYONE, has felt a little inadeqate at times. I feel ugly, I still feel I am ugly. I got braces because I thought it would help. I am seeking plastic surgery to fix what I hate about myself. I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and see this reflection of : LOSER, FAT, UGLY, REJECT, DISAPPOINTMENT. I'm not being hard on myself, I'm being honest about the things I need to fix.
People tell me I'm pretty but that just doesn't cut it, then they tell me that looks don't matter- it's personality, but that doesn't cut it either. I know how you feel. I get passed over time and time again, and still I haven't had a serious and meaningful relationship. This guy I have been dating for 3 years even denies me as his main girl. That's happened to me a couple of times before.
But you know what? These attractive people lack in personality, they lack in intelligence, they lack in talent, and what is left is an empty hole full of self-admiration, ego, and conceitedness. "Beautiful people" often treat others like crap, that's because they are allowed to.
I am not a beautiful person, and I am proud of that. Yet I continue to fix my problems. Because physical looks and defects can all be fixed, my friend, by a little money and plastic surgery.
What I seek in a man is talent, intelligence, and someone who has self-esteem and a wicked personality.
Start working out, tanning, look into dental aesthetics, plastic surgery, see a psychologist to develop self-esteem, buy some trendy clothes, and what do you know, these changes might not make much difference, but you can feel the difference and it will shine through.
But just remember: this is all fixable.

 

[kakvox]

Some of the most beautiful people in the world are the most screwed up. Beauty may get you in the door, but it will never keep you there. And try to truly believe, because it is true, that you deserve nothing less than anybody else if you are a good person.

 

[starsgoblue]

Some of the most beautiful people in the world are the most screwed up. Beauty may get you in the door, but it will never keep you there. And try to truly believe, because it is true, that you deserve nothing less than anybody else if you are a good person.

Great post

 

[Lil'Bono]

I know you don't believe all that it personality that counts stuff, but believe me it does!!
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, including you!!
You know what is the most attractive thing about someone is?
Confidence, if you believe in yourself,believe that you are someone, something, then people will want to know you!!
I'm sure that when the see what a great person you are, you'll find that people will be dying to get to known you!!
Keep your head up,don't ever let anyone make you feel like shit,because people that do that are worthless!!
Don't do it, i known how you feel, i've felt like this a lot!! Some day's music,u2 is the only thing that keeps me going,I just want to end it,but believe me things will get better,they always do, it may not seem like it now but it will!!
I'm here if ya ever need someone!!
Sometimes the best people to talk to are the ones you don't know!!

 

[Sweet Tart]

i don't think i could say anything any better than has been already said in this thread.

so...be well and talk to someone about your feelings. cause i know in my life i have done a lot of things that seemed like a good idea at the time but they obviously weren't. and unfortunately death is something that's there's no turning back from. there's no next day thinking well that was a pretty shitty idea, chuckling to yourself and moving on...usually to another equally shitty idea.

take care ok.

 

[U2Kitten]

Whenever I've felt that way, I always think, would it make more people happy than sad to be rid of me? Damn them, they're not getting rid of me that easy

 

[Edge11]

Wow!

I am so surprised....

I have never seen such a bunch of caring, genuinely loving ppl....

Most of the ppl I have met in my life are WANKERS...and the decent ones, who really are worth knowing, who love you and care for you unconditionally are SO few and SO far between! But please...suicide is the WORST choice you can make - it denies you all the riches in life - and I know sometimes looks, girls, and sex may be paramount on our wish list...but not always...there is ALOT of moments in life where we can find happiness - whether it be in finding a lovely tune, watching a great film, seeing an old friend ...anything really...please don't deny yourself all this...after all as the sage once said - 'it's just a moment...and this time will pass!'

Give yourself more time...and you will see how things ALWAYS turn around for you....wish you the best and God Bless

 

[dandy]

allow me to quote from our favourite frontman, his thoughts on 'original of the species' (from the k-rock listening party last sunday):

'if anyone has gone through a crisis of confidence in their life, and they didn't like what they saw in the mirror... and they look around and see other people who seem to have it all... this is the song for you.'

go and listen to this song, and know that bono was talking to all of us, including you. when i heard him say this, i felt he was speaking directly to me, and it made me feel better. yet another reason why this is my favourite song on the bomb.

 

[Rinn]

As you can see, pretty much everyone has down days (or weeks or months or years) the point is that you can't let it rule you.
From personal experience I have wanted to sometimes lie down and let the Earth swollow me up, I've had ugly days. But I learnt that if I even fake a smile at someone when I pass them in the street they smile back and it lifts my spirit.

I'm sure that one day a girl will turn around to see you and not be able to hold herself back. It'll be in a supermarket and she'll jump over the pyramids of oranges and stuff and love you for who you are.

If all else fails, grab your favourite loud U2 song and do a crazy dance around your lounge room to it (or any other place that is large enough). I tend to do it to Pride.

Lots of 80's dancing!!!!

Be strong, try a smile and don't let it rule you.

 

[bananacologne]

PLEASE don't go through with this.

Yeah, life can be pretty intense and grim sometimes, and sometimes all u wanna do is numb or stop the pain - but this ain't the way. I lost my cousin to suicide 2 years ago next february, he hanged himself. No-one knows why, no-one knows what was going on, he seemed totally fine.

The emotional fallout from this has been immeasurable on all of us. Not a day goes by where I don't think of him and miss him terribly. Ironically, I thought of him that nite, and thought I should ring him - for one reason or another, I didn't, and I've neer been able to forgive myself for that ever since.

Please don't do it, the devastation it leaves behind really is indescribable.

You may not see it yourself, but there are things you bring joy to other peoples lives with that you can not see. You are unique, you are you. There will only ever be one of you. Taste life, grab it with both hands, and go take what is yours. It's for the tasting my friend - good...and bad. They come hand in hand. I'm not religious by any means, but I DO believe we are NEVER given more than we can handle. It's HOW you handle it that's the real test. And THAT...is faith.

You have people here who care about you and whom you can talk to - whenever you want. Hang on in there.

Let me know via PM if u would like to chat on AIM/Yahoo/MSN sometime, ok?

Alternatively, u can e-mail me direct: cirtap2000@yahoo.com

Be strong, there IS light in that tunnel - sometimes u just need a guiding hand to find it.

TRUST ME.

Please reply to this thread sometime soon so we know you are ok.

Paddy

 

[starsgoblue]

allow me to quote from our favourite frontman, his thoughts on 'original of the species' (from the k-rock listening party last sunday):

'if anyone has gone through a crisis of confidence in their life, and they didn't like what they saw in the mirror... and they look around and see other people who seem to have it all... this is the song for you.'

go and listen to this song, and know that bono was talking to all of us, including you. when i heard him say this, i felt he was speaking directly to me, and it made me feel better. yet another reason why this is my favourite song on the bomb.

Thanks for sharing that quote. I can hear the song in a different way after reading that. I often have felt that way, felt a need to be significant--whether it's to someone else or professionally or whatever...I think many people do, whether or not they admit it.

 

[dandy]

Thanks for sharing that quote. I can hear the song in a different way after reading that. I often have felt that way, felt a need to be significant--whether it's to someone else or professionally or whatever...I think many people do, whether or not they admit it.

everyone of us does, it's what makes us human.