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Old 05-31-2006, 06:53 PM   #46
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I wouldn't find any comfort in the fact that they tried and failed, personally. It would actually make me more uncomfortable with the situation. Just from my experience with exboyfriends being in my circle of friends, there was a kind of intrigue, a what-if that followed me around sometimes. Especially the one that I was still really close with. When you've already opened the door to emotional intimacy it's hard to shut it when you're still acting as friends.
But that's just my take on it.

When my husband felt that he was at a point in his life when he wanted to settle down we distanced himself from his female friendships because he knew it wouldn't be fair to his wife to be sharing the closeness that was meant for her...er...me And he didn't want to have to just ditch his female friends like hot potatoes as soon as he met a girl
It's something I really appreciate. And I feel the same way about having male friendships. Being friendly is all fine, but sharing a close bond just seems like a bad idea. Why put yourself in situations that, given the right circumstances (fight with significant other/ moment of weakness) could lead to big mistakes?
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Old 05-31-2006, 07:22 PM   #47
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Quote:
Originally posted by u2bonogirl
When you've already opened the door to emotional intimacy it's hard to shut it when you're still acting as friends.
But that's just my take on it.

...

Being friendly is all fine, but sharing a close bond just seems like a bad idea. Why put yourself in situations that, given the right circumstances (fight with significant other/ moment of weakness) could lead to big mistakes?
I feel that you're right on all counts, and it does make me uncomfortable that he has such close girl friends. I think it's too early on though for me to be making demands... in fact, I hope to never have to demand him to ease the intensity of these friendships, I feel he should be wanting to do this on his own initiative (assuming we continue talking 'til that point arrives)

I'll just try to relax for now; however I do want to reach a point where I don't have to worry about what he's doing when I'm not there, but I imagine it takes some time to establish trust in a relationship. (certainly longer than a month)
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Old 05-31-2006, 08:09 PM   #48
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yep, I think you're right not to just go jumping into some tirade about his friendships with women. But if it persists for a while and it still makes you uncomfortable you should definitely tell him.

I was with the same guy for almost 3 years and the whole time I never trusted him because all his friends were girls, and I never knew what he was doing when I wasn't around. It wasn't that I thought he was cheating on me, it just made me really uncomfortable and paranoid. Altogether very unhealthy I was a mess. On top of that he had a lying problem

Are you reading all of this Laura? Avoid mana's boys with compulsive lying problems, who only befriend girls
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Old 05-31-2006, 08:13 PM   #49
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Old 05-31-2006, 09:07 PM   #50
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Quote:
Originally posted by u2bonogirl
Being friendly is all fine, but sharing a close bond just seems like a bad idea. Why put yourself in situations that, given the right circumstances (fight with significant other/ moment of weakness) could lead to big mistakes?
If I'm friends with a person, there is a reason I'm not sleeping with them - I am not attracted to them sexually nor will I ever be.

Why is there an assumption that this is a powderkeg ready to explode?

It seems a bit paranoid to me to see all close bonds as potential sexual relationships at some point. It just isn't true at all.
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Old 05-31-2006, 09:30 PM   #51
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Originally posted by anitram


If I'm friends with a person, there is a reason I'm not sleeping with them - I am not attracted to them sexually nor will I ever be.

Why is there an assumption that this is a powderkeg ready to explode?

It seems a bit paranoid to me to see all close bonds as potential sexual relationships at some point. It just isn't true at all.
This is true. My closest friends are all guys. I am admittingly in love with one of them (yeah okay maybe I'm not the best example... ), but the others I don't see that way at all, and they don't see me that way either, and I trust them completely. It's possible to be really good friends with someone of the opposite sex and not be attracted to them that way.

As for older men...well seeing as I have no dating experience I guess I don't have much advice to give. But I am generally attracted to older guys as well I do think the age difference can make a relationship tougher, but not impossible. I'd get to know the guy well before I actually started dating him though.
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Old 06-01-2006, 01:15 AM   #52
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Quote:
Originally posted by anitram


If I'm friends with a person, there is a reason I'm not sleeping with them - I am not attracted to them sexually nor will I ever be.

Why is there an assumption that this is a powderkeg ready to explode?

It seems a bit paranoid to me to see all close bonds as potential sexual relationships at some point. It just isn't true at all.




One of my best friends is a guy, I never have nor ever will be sexually attracted to him. I've known him for 13 years.
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Old 06-01-2006, 04:39 AM   #53
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Quote:
Originally posted by anitram


If I'm friends with a person, there is a reason I'm not sleeping with them - I am not attracted to them sexually nor will I ever be.

Why is there an assumption that this is a powderkeg ready to explode?

It seems a bit paranoid to me to see all close bonds as potential sexual relationships at some point. It just isn't true at all.


are we really all so sex obsessed with such a lack of self-control that we can't have good friends of the opposite sex in case one day we accidently sleep with them?
i have had many close male friends, the closest of whom i would never dream of hopping into bed with.

surely we're not all physically attracted to absolutely everyone in the world? it must be possible that there are men out there who we can get along with and not what to shag
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Old 06-01-2006, 06:26 AM   #54
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Most of my friends used to be guys too. I just get along with them better. And I wasn't attracted to most of them either, but after a while I realized that they all wanted in my pants It was a little disturbing

I'm not saying that we're all powder kegs waiting to explode, I'm saying that especially in marriage it isn't fair to the other partner to share the same bond with somemone of the opposite sex that you should be sharing with your spouse.

And I really do believe that when you are serious about being with someone it is a bad idea to spend one on one close personal time with someone of the opposite sex.
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Old 06-01-2006, 07:13 AM   #55
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One can be more than capable of upholding a platonic relationship (in the modern sense, not in the way of the ancient Greeks). Any idle fancy will pass in time, crushes will weaken.

And what bond are we talking about sharing? Friendship, support and advice aren't restricted to romantic entanglements. To deny a persons friendships in principle (in the broadest sense, not in any specific situation) strikes me as demanding and possessive.
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Old 06-01-2006, 10:34 AM   #56
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Quote:
Originally posted by u2bonogirl
Most of my friends used to be guys too. I just get along with them better. And I wasn't attracted to most of them either, but after a while I realized that they all wanted in my pants It was a little disturbing

I'm saying that especially in marriage it isn't fair to the other partner to share the same bond with somemone of the opposite sex that you should be sharing with your spouse.

i see what you're saying, but i don't think it IS the same bond.

i know the way i felt and the way i behaved with one of my best mates in my last relationship resembled more closely the relationship i have with my sister or my female friends than it did with my boyfriend.

there were certain things i did with the boyfriend that i wouldn't have done or shared with my mate (no, i dont mean that - head out of the gutter people! ) and other things that i was more comfortable diong with my best friend.
they had different personalities therefore enjoyed doing different things that i liked - ie. my boyfriend liked to go do outdoorsey stuff and go for drives or bike rides and stuff which i loved while my mate and i would spend a saturday evening indoors playing poker, drinking ourselves blind and then killing each other repeatedly on play station - activities my guy at the time had no interest in.

i didn't see it any different than spending time with one of my female friends and i would never expect a boyfriend/husband would have problems with that, the same way i never have problems with their females friends.

it is tough when you discover the feelings of friendship are one-sided though and the guy maybe has a less than platonic interest. yes, maybe those relationships are doomed to failure but then you need to be more careful when choosing your friends as i promise you, there are amny platonic relationships to be had with mmbers of the opposite sex.
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Old 06-01-2006, 10:41 AM   #57
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And I really do believe that when you are serious about being with someone it is a bad idea to spend one on one close personal time with someone of the opposite sex.
oh yeah, one last thing
could you not integrate those friendships into your marriage? i mean it wouldn't have to be one on one time if you weren't comfortable with that.
my sisters male friends all know her husband very well now and she knows his female friends so they'll mix as a group and all be friendly with each other. the friendships wouldn't have to be separate to your relationship, theres no real reason why they can't mix.
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Old 06-01-2006, 10:49 AM   #58
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oh yeah, one last thing
could you not integrate those friendships into your marriage? i mean it wouldn't have to be one on one time if you weren't comfortable with that.
my sisters male friends all know her husband very well now and she knows his female friends so they'll mix as a group and all be friendly with each other. the friendships wouldn't have to be separate to your relationship, theres no real reason why they can't mix.
I think that's an excellent way to go about it. If I still had any of my old guy friends around me (since i moved across the country that sort of rules it out) that's how I would approach it. I think that it's good to integrate your previous friendships into a relationship to the best of your ability. Of course people might not get along or whatever, but its a good way not cut each other off from your other friendships.
I never thought that you should just abandon people that you were friends with before you got in a relationship, and I should have said it plainly, but my solution to that would be to just integrate rather than keep 'your' friends and 'his' friends totally separate.
But this is also from the perspective of marriage. It may be different when you are just dating. And casual dating is much different altogether.
I guess in my situation, neither me or Tim feel comfortable spending one on one time with people of the opposite sex. Besides, we're best friends and really don't like hanging out with other people as much as we do each other
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Old 06-01-2006, 11:46 AM   #59
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I have a question... you said you agreed on religion by saying your were both liberals... what is the connection, in your mind, between the two?
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Old 06-01-2006, 12:53 PM   #60
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I also agree that it's near impossible to be strictly platonic friends, but should the fact that they dated and failed ease my mind at all? I just want to reach a point where I don't feel intimidated by his female friendships.
If I was this guy you would put on my nerves if you were intimidated. I agree its not the best thing to see an ex and maybe makes you feel bad - I disagree when you say it´s practically impossible to be strictly platonic. I have a friend, a singer who I work with, and to both of us its natural that we´re friends.

I am not able to stay with a girlfriend who is jealous of my friends. Its totally against my sense and need of freedom, to see who I want when I want. You can´t own a person.

I guess I agree with digsy.
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