The Reality of Death

[Pearl]

My family has been experiencing a lot of deaths and funerals for years now. Because both of my parents came from large families and all my aunts and uncles are getting older, news of relatives passing on and us attending funerals has become a sort of annual event in my family. It's sad but that's life for you.

One of my uncles is in very poor health and won't last the year. He was my favorite uncle, even though I didn't see him or even chat on the phone with him much. He was just plain cool, and it is sad that he is so ill.

Soon, he'll die and I might go to the funeral if my schedule allows, but I am so bad at funerals. Whenever I go to one, I get hysterical. I can't stop crying and I can barely deal with seeing someone in a casket. It is really embarrassing, even though people tell me I'm just being sensitive and there is nothing wrong with that.

But I truly think that I am not facing the reality of death. I mean, we are all going to die; we will all be that body in the casket. I think that is what bothers me the most: the fact that we will die. I get the impression that I haven't pondered the reality that someday I won't be here anymore. Whether tomorrow or 50 years from now, I can go at anytime. I don't think I've seriously looked at my mortality. For some reason, I think I'm afraid to. That maybe because it is scary not knowing when you can go and you may not be ready to because of plans you had for your future or the fear that you lived an unfulfilled life. I think that is what scares me about the reality of death.

So, my question is: how do you accept the reality of death? How did you come around to face that fear, if you had one? How do you cope when you go to funerals?

Oh, and please pray for my uncle because he is in bad shape.

Thanks!

 

[MsPurrl]

Many prayers to you and your family, Pearl. I lost my mom 11 years ago, a month after a botched heart surgery. We thought she could pull through, but there was just too much damage. Since then, most years there has been someone else: my favorite uncle six years ago, then another uncle four years ago, then another uncle last Christmas day. Now my last remaining aunt has cancer of the trachea and aorta that has spread to her spine and other bones. Last December, her doctor told her daughter (my aunt didn't want to know!) that she had three to six months left. It has now been eight months, and she's still kickin'. Maybe because she doesn't know how much time she supposedly has left?

The reason I tell you all of this is so you'll know that we are all in this together. One by one, our older loved ones depart--but they will always be with us! Going to funerals is indeed difficult, but I think it's more for the other members of their families who are still with us. They need that support! I, too, cry, sometimes more than others. But you know what? I think those tears are helping us all heal from the loss. We will never get over it, but as time goes by, it may hurt a little less. So cry if you need to--lie on the floor, kick your heels, and wail!

And something else: after my mother passed, it changed the way that I look at the rest of my life. If there is something I want to do, and I can do it without hurting anyone, I will do it! Conversely, if there's something I *don't* want to do, and it hurts no one if I don't, then I will not do it!

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

That's a beautiful post MsPurrl, I'm so sorry about the loss of your Mom. And all your other losses.

For me the older I've gotten the easier it is for me to cope with death and to face the reality of dying. My only issue is getting old and not having my health and being alone. Hope I die before I get old, that's exactly how I feel. I just live life day to day and honestly I can't worry about what I haven't accomplished or living a fulfilled life, I just prefer to focus on being the best person I can be. Trying to live to please myself, and not others. I understand it though, when you're really young you focus on all of that. I did.

My mom is in good health and still gets around well and all of that. I just dread when the time comes that it's not that way for her anymore. So I just try to cherish the good time I have left with her. I think that's the best strategy.

Crying is healthy, it helps you heal too.

 

[Pearl]

Thanks MsPurrl and MrsS.

I don't get upset at funerals because I am devastated that someone in my family died. Its the reality of death that strikes at me and causes me to kind of breakdown. And it is embarrassing because I am always the only one crying with my face all red and blotchy. I really think if I accepted death is going to come sooner or later, I wouldn't be so emotional at funerals.

I know this is a tough topic to discuss since it may bring back sad memories for some. Sorry if its too much of a touchy subject.

 

[financeguy]

You truly are one malignant witch, Pearl.

 

[Pearl]

What? Was that supposed to be sarcasm? I'm confused...

 

[MsPurrl]

I don't understand financeguy's comment, either, Pearl.

As I get older, I realize that I'm not afraid of death. I just don't like that I won't be around in this life anymore. But none of us know how long we have left. That's why I think we should live our life as best we can and as much to our liking as we can. I just wish there were some way we could know "what comes next", cos I'm pretty sure that there *is* a "next"!

 

[deep]

Death is the most honest real thing there is.

It is the only thing that unites us.

 

[bono_man2002]

Crying is healthy, it helps you heal too.

Long of the short I was going to say is this.

I also wish your uncle strength.