the eating disorder thread

[VertigoGal]

I have an eating disorder (and severe depression apparently but everyone who has the first has the second ). I've been in treatment since April or May, and it's a day to day struggle. I know I'm not the only one here with a current or past history of eating disorders. Apparently I'm the only one with the balls to admit it though. just kidding...

Anyway eating disorders suck and make life hell (and yet are so tempting and inviting). There are a lot of misconceptions about them. For instance, that they are silly and vain and just a month long phase and that everyone who has one has it for no other reason than that they think Nicole Richie is, like, totally insperayshunal. Or that you could never develop one because "I just love food too much."

So I had a shitty ass couple of weeks and am finally back on track and am trying to build the courage to discuss this with some of my friends instead of denying things and talking around the issue. That's a bit scary though and seems like a bad idea (though I'm told it works wonders), so I've decided to start this thread because I hardly know most of you and if you think I'm weird and a mental case, it doesn't matter (and you'd have a decent case to be honest).


Also, I think someone needed to start this thread eventually because I'm not about to believe that out of 50,000+ members I'm the only one with one...that's bullshit.

so don't make this awkward by leaving me as the only one to admit it. cos that would be really shitty.

anyway maybe I'll post more later or maybe I won't. and maybe I'll say this to people who I actually "know" and maybe I won't. I do what I want bitches

 

[Lemonchick]

Wow VG, I think this is a very brave thing to do.

I can't really contribute anything to this thread. But just know that if there's anything you need you know my e-mail, we should catch up sometime...it's been too long.

 

[Screwtape2]

You are one of the bravest people I have ever met. I'm glad you trying to beat it. What you are doing is truly courageous. I know it must be really scary being open about this but if it helps...
I wish you luck in overcoming this from the bottom of my heart. You are one of the kindest and sweetest people on the site and deserve to feel better. I too have severe depression so I can understand the day to day struggle in that. You are so brave to be dealing with both of these things. Your courage is inspiring and only reveals how beautiful a person you are. Good luck!

If you ever want to talk you know my e-mail.

 

[redkat]

Also, I think someone needed to start this thread eventually because I'm not about to believe that out of 50,000+ members I'm the only one with one...that's bullshit.

My brain is really fried right now. I'd like to say exactly the right thing and edit a million times. Going on about the bullshit and misconceptions etc.

For now all I have is...

You know I'm your biggest fan

 

[redhotswami]

Hello fellow Amelie fan!!! I just wanted to tell you that you are NOT alone!!!!!!!!!! I don't have an eating disorder myself, but in my master's program I studied a LOT about them. I say you are not alone because there are MANY cases of eating disorders, especially among college students (that's my field of work). But, unfortunately, many of them are unreported. I'm so happy for you that you are seeking treatment. Just know that you are definitely not a rarity (although your bravery might be!) and that some day you WILL conquer this. I believe in you, and I'll be thinking of you. Feel free to keep posting in here, or even PM me.

 

[Cin]

Anyway eating disorders suck and make life hell (and yet are so tempting and inviting).

So you wanted others to confess, here goes.

I was one of those people who wasn't anorexic, I just watched what I ate, really really carefully.
Half a weetbix for brekky, maybe a half a salad sandwich for lunch and enough dinner to stave off suspicion.
It would hurt to lean back on a chair or lie on the floor, bones and and hard surfaces don't mix well
When people tell you that you look disgusting you hear something totally different. They're lazy and lack discipline, I was healthy and clean, no dirty toxins(food) in me. They cant feel the buzz I can from not eating.
Luckily I never got really sick, although having no energy sucked it felt worth it at the time. There was no "aha" moment, I just grew up and got over it. Took a few years though and it's still a concious effort sometimes to eat properly.


Not particularly well articulated but there you go. Hopefully others are more sensible than I was and think of the long term effects.

 

[mysterious_jen]

VG good on you for starting this thread, i hope it gives lots of people the courage and support to speak out . my own story is a strange one and an always ongoing saga, which i wont bore anyone with just yet. anyway help is here if you need it.

 

[VertigoGal]

^^I thought that was very well articulated, much better than anything I tried to say. I'm really glad you're healthier now and realize what you were doing to yourself

jen: don't worry about boring anyone! but i understand

hug smilies all around and such, thanks to everyone for replying i know it's a strange/awkward thread ...

 

[Screwtape2]

hug smilies all around and such, thanks to everyone for replying i know it's a strange/awkward thread ...

It is a beautiful and brave thread, VertigoGal.

 

[U2democrat]

VG

One of the girls I live with has an eating disorder. I lived with her last year too so I know the problems, but I don't know if the new girls that I'm living with should be informed, and if so is it my place to let them know?

 

[Liesje]

Do not have an ED, but at one point during HS I came dangerously close. It was all a mental thing, had very little to do with weight or food or competitive gymnastics, just me becoming really obsessive, obsessed with control and little mind games...

 

[BonosBaby12]

VG I echo what everyone else has said about you being so brave Takes a lot of guts to come out and admit something as personal as this. Truly admire that you were able to do it! Wish you nothing but the best of luck with continuing on the road to conquer this

Never had a full fledge eating disorder but I did try starving myself for awhile in high school. Would always just say I wasn't hungry if anyone questioned why I wasn't eating. At home it was easier to pull off since noone was really around.

 

[Thora]

VG, thanks for sharing your story. I’ve been thinking all morning about what I should say in response. I admire your courage for speaking up. Like you said, there are so many of us who have struggled with this at some point in our lives.

I definitely have battled with this for many years. It began in high school with many insecurities and depression, and just spiralled out of control. My mom used to pick on me because of my weight, even though I was never overweight. I might have been a little bit chunky, but nothing to get worked up over. She would always be commenting about my clothes and how I looked, and it made me feel fat and gross. One time when we were shopping together, she even asked me “how does it feel to be wearing size ‘x’ jeans?” That was so incredibly hurtful. I walked away from her and could not speak to her for the rest of the day.

I’ve had troubles with depression since I was a teen, and it was easy enough for me to slip into destructive eating habits as a means of escaping. The worst years were university, where I pretty much wasted away. Nobody said anything to me – not my family, not my friends, not even my therapist at the time, which surprised me the most. I wanted someone to call me out on it, because I was out of control, and needed help to get back on a healthy track, but couldn’t face up to it on my own.

In 2003, I was talking with a friend of mine, and she asked me if I had ever had an eating disorder. I told her, yes, I’m still dealing with it, although it’s somewhat under control now. She said she had noticed, and thought that I was anorexic, yet she did nothing. I told her that she should have said something. I can’t believe that people knew, but did nothing about it.

People, please talk with your friends if you’re worried about them. Please do it, no matter how scared you might be to bring this up. If someone had talked to me, I know I would have started seeking help so much sooner than I did. It was good to hear that my friend had noticed, but I told her it was pretty shitty of her to call herself my friend, yet do nothing to help me when I so obviously needed it.

Anyway, that’s a bit of my story. It’s still a struggle for me today, and I have to be careful about dieting and exercising, but I am healthy and aware of my limits, and know when things are starting to slip into dangerous territories. I don’t think I’ll ever not be aware of these things, but there you go.

 

[Screwtape2]

That is such a sad story, Thora. You are very brave coming through all that. I'm so glad you are doing better. You should know that there are people here that will always be there for you.

 

[JezSnape]

You're definitely not alone, VG

I've been told by friends that I have an eating disorder, but I've never been to a doctor about it. Not to mention the fact that I'm overweight too, which makes it hard for me to comprehend the fact that I might have an eating disorder.

My problem is that food grosses me out. It takes time to prepare and it's a waste of time to eat it. I rarely feel hungry, and that makes it even more of a waste of time to eat. I eat once a day, and I probably wouldn't even do that if it weren't for the fact that my dad has set up the rule that we all eat dinner at the same time.

I've been told that the reason for me being so overweight is because I don't eat, and I understand the mechanics behind it all, about the body being prepared for starvation and sucking up all the fat in the food. I just can't seem to really grasp the full consequences of it all, and it's not like it makes me hungrier.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that there are others here that have eating disorders in various forms.

 

[Screwtape2]

If you haven't already please see a doctor, JezSnape. That sounds really serious if true. I really hope you start feeling better.

 

[Angela Harlem]

Not to mention the fact that I'm overweight too, which makes it hard for me to comprehend the fact that I might have an eating disorder.

That's an important point for everyone to realise, I think.

I was diagnosed with Anorexia when I was 15/16 or so. I still question whether the diagnosis was accurate, and especially at the time was in absolute denial that there was anything wrong with me. The paediatrician called both my parents in to see him, which was highly unusual. I frequently just went by myself and had been doing so for a few years to manage my diabetes with teenage-hood (nightmare story for another day!). So he announced grimly to my parents that I had an eating disorder and he was going to admit me to hospital until I started eating. I sighed and went silent. When he said the word 'Anorexia', I froze. Surely he couldn't mean that? That was for deathly skinny girls! I was overweight, I had fat everywhere! My ballet teacher always told me to stop eating so much and lose some weight - I was never going to get better or take it anywhere if I had that stomach sticking out. I began purging, and I think bulimia actually took over for longer than anyone knew. I began having a shower after dinner, because "mum wouldn't suspect then". I genuinely thought I'd found the perfect answer. I was eating, 'still getting the nutrition', and also not retaining a single thing. And no one knew! Surely. Anyway, I did end up in hospital, many times, for various reasons. I've not necessarily beaten it, but I am in charge now, which is good because I'm a lot older now, lol. Back then I was actually thin but simply could not see it, and nowadays I know it still lurks in some form or another, but nothing like before. I'm not sure how it gets beaten, and I don't have much advice, sadly, but none of you are alone. I hope you can conquer it.

 

[LemonMelon]

I've gone through both depression and borderline eating disorders. By God's grace I've somehow been able to beat them both back, but they still pop up from time to time. I used to actually be nervous eating in public for some reason...never could figure out why...(phobias aren't supposed to make sense to a sane individual ) and I've always had a fixation on my weight, but I've been doing better lately, because I haven't stepped on a scale since May.

I also went through depression (partially related to the above) from late 2000 to early 2002. Then it came back in 2004 for about 6 months. I had all kinds of strange health problems during that time, and it really got me down. I had panic attacks on a regular basis... basically, I was a total trainwreck. I'm still here though, and I'm not depressed anymore, so have hope. I never thought I would get out of it, and it was a day-to-day struggle, but it is possible to break. Now I'm one of the most good-humored people you could possibly meet, but I still am a bit over-emotional. That's probably a good thing.

I know it feels impossible, like you'll never get out, but you will. Just take it one day at a time and stay close to your friends and family. Never cut yourself off, no matter how tempting that is. You'll make it.

 

[Schmeg]

Do not have an ED, but at one point during HS I came dangerously close. It was all a mental thing, had very little to do with weight or food or competitive gymnastics, just me becoming really obsessive, obsessed with control and little mind games...

I played the games too, and sometimes I almost miss them. I will never again keep a bathroom scale, because I played Bathroom Scale Limbo- how low can you go? 105 on a previously-athletic frame was the lowest noted weight before I got out of the situation I was in and was tended to by a very loving family. It wasn't about being skinny; it was about being in control of something when I had lost control of just about everything else. I could control the bathroom scale, if nothing else.

I spent my teenage years in figure skating and I was for a long time the one who would suggest that my friends should eat their salad, not push it around the plate, and there I was in my early to mid 20's playing Bathroom Scale Limbo.

It's still a daily struggle, five years later. When things get a little hard I pat myself on the back for forgetting to eat breakfast. When things are good I grab the extra around my middle and I think about what makes me happy and that people love me whether I am 5 pounds overweight or not. Sometimes I miss how my hipbones stuck out, and sometimes I am horrified at how much they did. That perfectionist part of my personality will never be satisfied with a little bit of flab, but the rational side sees it as a victory.

 

[love_u2_adam]

well ive never had a eating disorder but my best friend has one. doesn't make me feel to great ether like last night i was eating a whole pizza to my self and she didn't have anything. ive always been very happy with my weight cause im pretty small and compact. but some people just to piss me off tell me my breasts are to big and i should go shed a few pounds. i say fuck em'

 

[LMP]

to all of you with the balls to say all of this. It truly does take a certain type of bravery to overcome this, which shouldn't be shrugged off at all. Personally, I don't have much to add to the discussion, just the little "you guys kick ass" comment.

 

[VertigoGal]

I began having a shower after dinner, because "mum wouldn't suspect then". I genuinely thought I'd found the perfect answer. I was eating,

yeah purging really does solve all problems. it's the perfect solution to any dilemma!



I'm glad other people could share & wish you guys the best.

and I agree with Thora about confronting friends although I understand how hard it is. I was only confronted by one friend once and after she sort of already knew.

 

[anitram]

yeah purging really does solve all problems. it's the perfect solution to any dilemma!

I never understood this until I was deathly ill with a virus this past December. I did nothing but vomit and have fluids for 4 days and lost about 12 lbs. I couldn't believe it, because back in high school I knew a couple of girls who would use purging as a "maintenance" system once they got to a low enough weight. I guess I didn't realize how quickly you can shed the pounds.

I wish you all the best. There are some wonderful organizations out there and thankfully we are starting to get past the awful stigma and more people are open to discussing this.

 

[VertigoGal]

And it's weird because, at least for me, purging started as another weight loss method, but over time purging meals/overexercising/binging and purging took on a life of it's own. some sort of high and punishment, in one.

the whole thing seriously fucks your metabolism, for the record.

 

[mysterious_jen]

purging ... i used to purge so hard i gave myself a hurnia that had to be repaired by sugery. the thing about purging is it gives you a head rush of chemicals, i used to eat a pile of crap for tea, purge, and then go and have a cigarette is was bliss.

bathroom scales- well they used to rule me, i would weigh myself when i got up, when i ate, when i purged, when i exercised , after i went to the toilet, etc etc, one day the scales didnt tell me what i wanted to hear so i trashed those scales, flew into a complete rage, it was insane. i used to take my high weights out on the people around me. also used to keep meticulous records of weight loss, food ingested, calories etc etc . rediculous exercise also factored into the equasion.

i have been extremely high weights and very low weights and everywhere in between, now i am a healthy weight, exercise normaly and am finally enjoying myself and growing into my own skin.
but it has been a long fight , and i used an extreme method to get back to a healthy weight- weight loss surgery- and i don't know if it will ever go away, the guilt of - oh i shouldnt have eaten that i have to get rid of it . but i guess through supporting each other we can get some hope.

so for everyone fighting their battle and i am always happy to exchange pm's with anyone who wants to talk about eating disorders,weight loss surgery and alcoholism that goes along with all of it .


scary admitting your life's fuck ups to you online friends isnt it . !

 

[BonosBaby12]

The scale can drive you insane! Trying to break myself of weighing in everyday but so far no luck. If I skip a day then I find by nighttime I can't wait to step back onto the scale the next morning. They keep saying judge your success by how your clothes fit. Instead I base it on what the numbers on the scale say.

Loosing so much weight is a blessing but it can also be quite a curse. You surprise yourself with just how much you would consider doing to keep it off.

's for those who have spoken up. My respect level is just so high for everyone.

 

[Serena Vox]

I have suffered depression and borderline anorexia since I was 14. It was never what you'd refer to as extreme, a casual spell here and there. Became more frequent as time went on and things got worse.
I never weighed triple digits in lbs until I was 15. I became a steady 105. Soon after, I shot up to 130+ (For the record, I am 5'1"-5'2" at very best.)
I received some nasty insults about my weight from family members after being previously praised for being so thin. I lost almost all self esteem from that and the depression wasn't helping at all. When I was 19, my father noticed how skinny I'd become, after being used to my "having meat on my bones", and forced me to weigh myself in front of him. I weighed about 90 lbs.

Shortly after, I moved in with him and began to eat more than when I lived with my mum. I used to eat a meal, maybe two per day. Now I eat 3 daily.
I still struggle with it sometimes. Occasionally when I get really depressed, it's hard for me to have an appetite at all.

To everyone. It's tough, but not impossible to overcome. I am always willing to lend an ear to anyone who needs it.

 

[VertigoGal]

^there's nothing worse than being forced to step on a scale in front of your parent. I had to step on one for my mom and she went off at me thinking the number was low but inside I was dying because it was nighttime, I was wearing jeans, had just eaten a meal without purging, and the number seemed so high.

I'm glad you're doing somewhat better

 

[meegannie]

And it's weird because, at least for me, purging started as another weight loss method, but over time purging meals/overexercising/binging and purging took on a life of it's own. some sort of high and punishment, in one.

I never had an eating disorder, but when I was in high school I would get up super early to exercise before school, starve myself all day until dinner at home, eat as little as possible, and then purge. I borrowed lots of books from the library on eating disorders to learn tips, and my family knew what was going on. My brothers would mock me for it and make comments about how I was still fat and ugly and didn't even have the will power to be anorexic, and my parents didn't say anything (apart from comments about me wasting water or saying I would have to clean the bathroom because I spent so much time in there).

I think for me it was a method of self-harm, and I stopped when I moved out of my parents' house for university. I still have loads of issues about my weight and appearance, though. I always feel guilty about eating, overeat when I'm upset, and have a hard time leaving the house or seeing people because I feel like everyone is staring at me because I'm so repulsive.

 

[Angela Harlem]

I never had an eating disorder, but when I was in high school I would get up super early to exercise before school, starve myself all day until dinner at home, eat as little as possible, and then purge.

There's the control aspect of an eating disorder which can manifest itself in many other ways, too. Not necessarily obsessive compulsiveness, but over achievement, a complete failure to understand your own real capabilities and appearance to those around you and therefore tear yourself up over and over again on the inside, picking at actual physical things continually (like your fingernails, your hair), picking at aspects of yourself (your weight, your appearance, your success at work/school/socialising). Essentially, it's a life of unattainable and unrealistic goals, of utterly unrealistic views of yourself, of an indefatigable sense of failure, and depression. You spend all day walking around in a kind of self absorbed fog, nothing reaching in and lifting you up. There's so little achievement, yet, you keep at it because the battle is yours and you are in charge. You end up not knowing why, or even caring anymore. You just keep at it.

I'm really sorry to hear of you all who go/have gone through anything like it.