State of the Person Address: 4/24-25. Women, philosophy, life, sex, school, U2 Reader

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For Honor

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Look, I figure I'd write a large title because I know darn well I'm going to go off on a tangent here.



"State of the person address" came to me instantly when I saw the subject matter, because I guess that's what this really is. It is just some nonsense, insignifigance, about me. And in my backwards process, I will learn by writing, I will understand. So even though this is sort of a puiblic thing, it is a very internal thing, too.

Without further adeiu......... (sp?)


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Hello, and good evening.
(I would say "fireside chat", but it's pretty warm here, though I would like to be sitting outside with a nice little fire, trying to get a look at the Lunar eclipse)


I just posted in the Night Owl thread, and it was a good prelude to this, because I knew this was going to be coming along. So I was laying in bed, and I sort of came across some things in my mind.

I was there, with my newfound old lamp from my mothers closet sitting on the armrest of my fouton (in "bed mode"), and my cat sleeping there curled up under the light. I brought it in there because my room is so horribly lit, and my mother can get by almost no lighting, but it is just not something I can do. I was reading my U2 Reader, which I am very fortunate the Shen LIbrary (highschool) has, and I'm like on page 87. It is a wonderful thing since I really have no information on the history of the band, and now I can read all the articles and what not.


My favorite thing I read in recent memory was Edge talking about the Rattle and Hum movie-- he goes on saying how the band avoided "bullshit" and mass media hype for a long time, but .....

oh, now I've got to go find it... it was so funny to hear it said like that.........


......



alright, here it is - page 85 of the U2 Reader - the edge commening about Rattle and Hum the film:

"The only important thing about this film is that we've survived it. Of course, wheter we survive the bullshit hype with our marblles intact remains to be seen. Having avoided a lot of the bullshit for so long, this film will mean us walking straight into a mountain of it"

I guess it seems extra-funny because it is later in the evening, and everything seems more funny to me then. But I'm not really tired, oddly enough. Just a little hungey..... but I'll go take care of that right now, too.

******INTERMISSION Begins******
***
"A Man And A Woman" plays
Followed by "One Step Closer To Knowing".
Then "WHere the Streets Have No Name",
Closing with "I still haven't found what I'm looking for"
***
******INTERMISSION Ends******



Ah, thanks for waiting.
No, I did not play all those songs, but if I were actaully holding an intermission during a formal address, I would have chosen those because I think they would set the mood well.

And it is officially past 3AM, so I should put "Red Hill Mining Town" on the list, because I really don't care about being tired" tomorrow" or later on today, because I spend most of my time waiting, and sleep would be a welcome time-passer, but currently it is 'not happening'. So basically I "wait all day for night to come..."

And it comes....



So yes, I would reccomend the U2 READER (compiled and edited by Hank Bordowitz) to any fan, especially if you don't know a lot about the history of U2, like me. My library also had 'THE U2 ENCYCLOPEDIA', which is fun, because it can supplement the READER, and has lots of intersting little quirks.


But really, everything so far has been small take, and now I am going to address the real "issues" in my life, as I see them. (Though I really understand I am a blessed man who doesn't have to work hard to survive, and in all reality have no issues, and perhaps I shoud stop writing right now...)
.....
......
I would, but I ......
I guess I won't be able to sleep either way, even if I do have peace of mind, on the real, and deep level of life.



That being said, here begins the meat and potatos (e?) of this post.






While laying in bed, reading, but more so during the period where I was staring at my celling, and the wall decorations and what not, I stumbled over something that struck me. Or stood out, perhaps.


It has to do with women. Part of it has nothing to do with sex, and the other part does, so let me clarify...




First and foremost, while I respect homosexuals, I could never really be one, because fundementally it doesn't seem right for me - as in, the person I am. But I am cool with others going that road. That being said, I have realized I have an incredible liking for women. Now I know it is odd to have that sentance following the previous, but let me explain further...


It is not really a sexual thing.

I will get into the sexual aspect of it later, but right now, I want to focus on the non-sexual side of this all. Now I am being very mature and serious about this, even though it will be something you can easily make fun of later, but that is okay, I will deal with it. But it is almost like a severe form of appreciation, or perhaps... well, we will start there

I do not know how to put it. But right now, the song "A man and a woman" is coming to mind. It is such a sort of phenomenal thing here, it feels to me, and I am unsure of what it is or how it comes to be.

For a long time now, if you ask me what is the most pleasing sight or image I can think of, I would have said seeing a woman smile, or be genuinely happy (and here is the border into sex - because for me, sometimes the expression of a woman during it is simply amazing, because it is so pure - when it is done right. But more about this later). I say that it is a pleasing image, but I do not feel like it is "my job" to do it, I feel more like someone in a museum admiring a fine peice of art. (But at the same time, I do not want to sound like I am objectifying women as art or "things" or whatever. That is not what I mean.). Restating my point, I do not feel obligated into doing something in order to make a girl happy.

I just appreciate it intensely.


And I am wondering as I write this why I am "making such a big deal" out of this, because it does not seem all that grand. I am wondering if this has something to do with my youth, as I was very. Especially in regards to the opposite sex. I am wondering that now, if I am just sort of celebrating my confidences and liking of women.

I have certain thoughts about why this might be so "big a deal" for me - for instance, in my first year of highschool, I was incredibly shy. I thought everytime a girl looked at me, she was like joking at me or staring at me because I was "ugly" or something. And I think that took me a while to understand, because I actually realize now I'm more "decent looking". Somewhere deep down, some inhibition or something, has prevented me from understanding this, or being afraid to accept this. Afraid to acknowledge that someone "likes" me. Even now, still, I have a hard time when someone does something nice for me, or gives me a sincere compliment.

Yet conversely, a sincere compliment or comment is incredibly meaningful to me. I wonder what odd sense of humility or humbleness I aquired in order to be like that. I have issues with... trust, maybe? Like I don't believe someone when they nice things to me.


But that was in the past, and I have gotten better at it.
Like today, when Diane, a more or less plutonic female friend of mine, stated I was a sweet guy, caring, and other things, I was like, (in my head) "....... you know, you are right. I am a guy with those qualities"). And it is so ironic, so odd, because those are qualities I pride myself on, and qualities that make me who I am and separate me from the usual pack of "guys". I have a side of me that has sort of been developing with the purpose of preparing myself for marriage and the likes - but more about that later, perhaps, if I remeber.

Even then, though, I still had some disbelief about Diane's words. I though, "Oh, she is just being extra-nice because she wants me to take her to the prom" (which in all actuality, is a possibility). But I guess that 'disturbs' me, because it makes me wonder if her words were completely meaningful and genuine, or if she is just trying to get something out of me. Either way though, I should take it as a good thing, because even if she is trying to get me to ask her to the prom, that is a pretty big compliment, really.


Alright, going back (somehow) to my main topic of the adoration of women, I think I should note that I am somewhat incredibly serious. It sounds strange - to me, it sounds like something I would hear a girl say - but I find myself trying to evaluate girls, and seeing what kind of girl would be best for me, what do I want in a girlfriend, or more so, in a wife. I am very interested in people, and very interested in family and marriage, and I have an intense desire to have a good marriage and a succesful one. I would absolutely not want a divorce. Yet I cannot be in a relationship where it is one sided, for me or someone else. It has to be "done the right way".

(I huge 'aside' - There is one girl who I, though not too seriously, am considering, evaluating, that I might actually consider marriage with. But that is another story for another time)


As I was saying, marriage has become this huge "thing" in my life, and I will be 18 in two weeks. It is not overpowering, but, it is something that seems to becomig up a lot. And for those of you who know me a little, you know I venture into Zodiac and stuff like that. It is so intriguing to me, because most of everything that is said in regards to me is true-- I would prefer to marry early, I want to wait to find someone who has similar tastes, I am very selective, I am very serious. Even the whole "sun sign", "moon sign", "ascendant"... Obviously, I'm a Taurus, like Bono, as I was born early in May. So that is my 'soul sign', sun sign, and I am very earhtly and practical. I like possesions and commitments. My moon sign, 'hear' sign, is Leo, the lion, and I do resemble someone else I know who is "lionhearted".... but that too is another story. I have a lot of pride in myself, and I can be very arrogant, and I seek loyalty and praise, because I desire to give loyaty and praise. My ascendant/rising sign is "Gemini", and that is probably why I write so damn much. In person, if I am feeling good, I have a quick wit, too, and will always have plenty of comments, especially innuendos since I am rather sensual and in addition, a horny teenager. But again, more about sex later.


(tangent over, for now...)


Women have become more special for some reason- and I mean this separate from marriage, or sex for that matter. I know this is probably a typical male thing, but, if I could have it so, I would almost say I just that I would like to have a world full of women. But again, not in a sexual way, either. And I would miss playing football or firsbee with the guys, but then again, I know some girls who would like that, too. The point I am badly trying to make is, for some reason, despite all the mind games and someitmes lack of understanding, I get along with girls really well, and I just enjoy that a lot. A whole lot.

I know this sounds so odd, or so petty, but I cannot seem to write it properly.

- - -

What I was thinking about laying in bed, over an hour ago now, was how in a really odd sense, (to me, it seems odd, but it really is not)... it was a small sort of revalation, and I do not quite understand its meaning yet. But it was that if I was "with a girl", I would not really need sex. I am not sure why I say it like that, but maybe it is more that I feel it is not a physical thing. It is not an emotional thing, either. It is something different, and that something different is really intriguing me.

Maybe I am just getting a sense that relationships are more than emotion and physical attraction, and I am beginning to define my relationships on a much deeper level than I ever before conceived.

This sort of branches of into marriage, and even virginity. I am in no way a devout Christian, so do not misundestand me. But at the same time, I think I am a very spiritual person, and I feel in intesely neccessary that things have reason and meaning and principles.

The thing that strikes me most here, is that a friend, the same one I mentioned before, about considering to marry later on, had a dream about us being married, and she was still a virgin, and well...... it was about us being married and then our vows being... consummated..... as it were.

I would caution myself to say that "hmm, maybe I am playing all this up in an attempt to have that dream come true", but on the other hand, I am such a serious person. I seek meaning in everything, so actually doing that, being a virgin when I marry, would sort of be... intriguing.

In the back of my mind, that would be the most picturesque (sp) and beautiful, romantic, and sort of "ideal" image - marring someone, and us both being virgins, and sort of just doing it in the "ideal", "right" way.


And here comes "A man and a woman"

True love never can be rent
But only true love can keep beauty innocent


I could never take a chance
Of losing love to find romance
In the mysterious distance
Between a man and a woman
No I could never take a chance
‘Cos I could never understand
The mysterious distance
Between a man and a woman

You can run from love
And if it's really love it will find you
Catch you by the heel
But you can't be numb for love
The only pain is to feel nothing at all
How can I hurt when I'm holding you?

I could never take a chance
Of losing love to find romance
In the mysterious distance
Between a man and.... (a woman)
- - And you're the one, there's no-one else
You make me want to lose myself
In the mysterious distance
Between a man and a woman

.....


The soul needs beauty for a soul mate
When the soul wants... the soul waits ...


I mentioned in NBCrusaders "ask the old married guy" about how I feel about marriage, and for some reason, it is a fascinating thing for me. I see it as the ultimate test, and reward. The hardest, most beautiful thing to have and maintain. I know it would not be roses and sunsets and everything nice, but I have an attitude that is willing to endure and work for it, maintain it.

But especially that last part I bolded, that rings true for me.


And even going back to my "situation" with that one person I am "considering" (said lightly, but implying seriousness) marrying, it is just so fitting for me. I would have to wait a period time to marry her, for a number of reasons. But it would be "worth it" to me. If I knew that it could happen, and set it in stone, then I would. I really would. But I know that I cannot and things may change over time.

but "a heart that hurts is a heart that beats"
and everyday I get one step closer to knowing, I suppose...

and "true love never can be rent, but only true love can keep beauty innocent"

innocent and pure. Wholesome...real...



------------------------


Just to keep you on your toes here (not that I'm expecting anyone to read all this), I do think about sex a lot. I am a Taurus, you know, and I do not care what anyone says, I think they are the most sensual sign. "Earthly Delights", man!
Anyhow, for instance, sex with "her" would be amazing, I am sure. We...... talk about it a lot, so to say, and even though we've never done "it" with each other, or anyone else, I believe we have established a certain passion or chemistry, to say the least....


*sigh*, well, I didn't want to talk about "her" so much, but I apparently have. Since I am on the topic already, even as far as zodiacs go, we are... very interstingly fit. Easter (year of the Rooster) zodiac has us as being the perfect complementary match of "seemingly opposites", but we really desire the same thing. Western zodiac has a Libra and a Taurus, opposites in "sky meets earth", yet we are both "ruled by Venus" - sensuality and all that.

For an odd and a little off the mark kind of example, consider the TV show "Dharma and Greg". Obviously, I'd be Greg, the seirous lawyer type (though i could never really be a lawyer... not my desire. Though I could be if I wanted to, I guess...), and she would be more Dharma, free spirited.

But she isn't exactly a "hippie"; I like her morals and mindset - that is what I look for most , how the mind works.


- - - - - - -

I suppose I will conclude my part on women at this point.


Besides that "special someone", in general, I seem to be developing a much greater appreciation of women, and I guess I just like them a lot. As shallow as that sounds, you have to understand the serious kind of person I am. So I am kind of worried because I do not want to come across as being some sappy sentimental whipped guy, because that is quite disturbing.


That is really the main point I was trying to get at and never did. Society, especially in my area, makes it sound like a guy has to act a certain way and think a certain way about women, and it just does not work for me to think that way. But this does not mean I do not think about women in the same way... as in sexually and what not.

It is sort of like a maturity thing, and if you expose your maturity too much, you get questioned, and people sort of think less of you, when in fact, you are being brave by taking a certain stance about things, by stepping away from the crowd. That being said, I am sure a lot of guys feel this way too, and I am not the only one.

This is, I think now, maybe just one of those weird revelations/understandings that you go through as you get older and breech the gap between childhood and adulthood. I do not try to have every women I meet like me, I actually enjoy their friendship. They are cute and sexy, and they seem to like me, so I just enjoy it. Whereas many here seem to just be concerned about sex and what not. Who is going out with who. But I am sure that is mostly a high school thing.... but it is one more (thing) that makes college seem realyy far away...



And this all boils down to my distaste for superficial and temporary relationships. I like things that last, sex included, and I guess that is just the kind of person I am.


So maybe this whole "address" has been a small form of celebrating my own values and maturities (or lack there of :wink: ). There is actually more to write, but it has been over an hour and a half so far, and I have more time tomorrow... I always have more time tomorrow.... and I should get a little shut-eye, maybe 40 minutes, before I "wake up for school"

So be it.


I will check in "tomorrow" and go over this tremendous mess.


Anyone who reads most of it should be applauded, and I really wonder what kind of comments someone will leave, if any.

Heh, but that is alright.
The privledge is mine, because, as I said, I write to understand myself and how I feel, to find answers for myself, most of the time. It is a very, very, very conceited thing, but so be it. I guess if I am going to write so much, I might as well throw it up here and see if anyone says something about it - that is my logic most of the time.


wow, almost 20,000 characters. This is long.... oh well......
I guess I really do like making things last :wink:

I write more "tomorrow", I suppose I can promise at least that much


-----------------------


PS: I am making a concious effort not to use apostrophies as much, so I tried to cut down on it in this post. "That's" why my sentace structure might seem weird, but "it's" interesting not hitting the " ' " key as much...
Just wanted to let y'all know, since I don't want to come off as a complete "lunatic".....

(Don't forget the Eclipse.....)


PPS: Um, I didn't look it over or spell check it, so it's pretty raw...... good luck !!

and good night............................

....and good morning...
 
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Yesterday's Horoscope| Today's Horoscope| Tomorrow's Horoscope

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
It just can't go on like this. You want things to settle back down into a comfortable pace, yet it feels like the stress is not going away. Let go of your preconceived ideas. Be willing to move outside of your comfort zone or you will just be pushed along anyway, kicking and screaming. Once you stop resisting, life will quickly improve.


4/25
No matter how much effort you put toward making your life less complicated, others will still add unwanted complexity. Your best strategy is to slowly unpeel the issues, like layers of an onion. The problem is that you can get through issue after issue, believing you are getting closer to the center, but the onion grows as fast as you can peel it. Still, in this process you'll be able to deepen your understanding of what's going on.

4/26
Dissonance may arise in your life today from an uneasy restlessness. Normally, you are content with being where you are. Now, however, you drift into powerful dreams of your future, but these longings don't fit into your current situation. Give yourself permission to explore your fantasies, but don't confuse them with the real world.


---------------

sometimes I just read them and laugh


I guess today I'll be peeling that onion........ lol:eyebrow:
:yes:

....that's all for now....
 
Okay, despite For Honor's verbosity, the post is legit. If you don't have any words of support for him, then please don't reply.

Thanks.
 
Congratulations that Diane wants to go to the prom with you. That sounds like a good thing to me.

You're 18 years old? I wouldn't be thinking of marriage just yet. There is plenty of time for that later.

Maybe just date someone for a while, have some fun, throw a few frisbees, and see how it goes. Love hits your when you're not looking.
 
Are you going to be a writer? Cus if you aren't, you should be (and I'm being serious, not bashing the length of the post). You are so very contemplative. I bet it feels good to just write out whatever you're feeling. I can't even keep my stupid blog up to date.
 
beli said:
Maybe just date someone for a while, have some fun, throw a few frisbees, and see how it goes. Love hits your when you're not looking.

Yes, do listen to beli.

I'll tell you my story:

In high school I cared nothing for boys. All I cared about was gymnastics. In college I still cared nothing for boys, though I did noticed the pickings were a bit better (though not by much). There was this girl on my floor who was dating an RA on the guys' side of the dorm and they'd been together for three years. My suitemates were friends with his suitemates so we all kinda hung out together for a few months. Then it changed from our group hanging out to me and him hanging out and then we eventually started going out (he'd broken up with his other girlfriend by then). We've been together for two years. Apparently that girl he was dating was kinda an airhead (clingy, high maintainence, no personality, etc) and now she's actually engaged to by bf's EX-best friend/EX-roommate (yes, EX for obvious reasons), but that's not the point.....see, I really had no interest in finding a relationship and even when we started going out, I was more in it for the fun and companionship and didn't even care if I was just a rebound girl. We've been together for over two years like I said so I guess I wasn't just a rebound girl after all! So you see, sometimes if you just chill out and do your own thing, you'll find someone. My friends and family probably expected me to be the LAST person to find a serious relationship so soon and I never expected it either. I'm still rather independend and will not even consider marriage or engagement while I'm in school b/c I love living in my house with the girls and having my own space. Sometimes I feel bad for my bf b/c he's three years older than me, dont with school, and ready to settle down, but I think you really have to do your own thing for a while b/c if you jump into such a serious relationship too soon, you don't really know enough about yourself and it could end quite bitterly and a lot quicker than expected, IMO.
 
I see. That is a valid point. Things come easier when you are looking where you ought to be, and not at an angle, I guess.

And even if you think you know it all, especially when you're still a kid, I guess it's very easy to do just that, and think you know it all.....



Should I be a writer? (no, I write to sporadically to think straight or spell right!!). I couldn't stand it, unless I wrote like this. Most writing is a waste of time - and most of mine is, too. I couldn't bear to be someone who's job was to write all the time and produce like that....
at least, that's how I feel about it now. I used to want to be one a long time ago, but that was when I knew even less about things....


Frankly, I'm surprised anyone went through the effort to read this - like I said before, this is more a way of thinking out loud for me. I get into things deeply sometimes, but I understand not everyone is that way. One, but not the same, heh...




PS: 3 sentances: (maybe even fragments)


One step closer to knowing...
Pride is all I Want....
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for


---------


meaning
 
For Honor said:

PS: 3 sentances: (maybe even fragments)

One step closer to knowing...
Pride is all I Want....
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

---------

meaning

Never tell the third sentence to your future partner. Have you ever heard something like "Yes, I love you.. but anyway, I feel I still haven´t found what I´m looking for?" I have. And it hurt.
 
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