Should I Just Give Up?

[LikeNoOneBefore]

So my ex-boyfriend and I have been apart for almost three months now. He's dating a girl that he got together with five days after he broke up with me.

When I first found out about his new girlfriend, we got in an argument online, followed by me calling him up and apologizing. We talked for about an hour and a half, sorting things out and saying that we were sorry. He said that he really wanted to be friends with me and that things would be okay.

Since then, things haven't been okay. We got into a lot of random arguments (online, because we're lame and immature...heheh) followed by him blocking me for a few weeks and then talking to me again and apologizing. That has happened twice. He'll say that he wants to be friends, but then a few days later, he'll hardly say anything to me or he'll briefly mention something he and his new girlfriend did over the weekend, which is definitely not what I want to hear.

I'm trying my hardest to keep a friendship with this guy, but I don't know what to do anymore. I have a Christmas card to put in his mailbox, and if this doesn't repair things, then I feel like I should give up. I really don't want to because he used to be one of my best friends before all of this happened.

What should I say to him or do? I've talked to my friends, and they are as confused as me.


I hope that was enough information. If you can help me, thanks in advance.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

Honestly it doesn't sound all that good that he had a new girlfriend five days after breaking up with you. If he was really sensitive to your feelings he wouldn't mention her to you, it's a little too fresh right now I'd say for him to be doing that.

And if he really wanted to be friends with you he'd make the proper effort and be mature about it. Sounds to me like he's playing games with you, screwing around with your feelings. One sided relationships are too hurtful and not good for your self-esteem. So in my opinion the best thing for you to do is to break off contact with him and chalk it up to being his loss. I know it's much easier said than done but you have to think about what's best for your self esteem.

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

Yeah, I see what you're saying. I was thinking about telling him that I didn't want to go on being treated like this just to see his reaction so that I'd know if he really wants to be friends or not. But that's sorta manipulative. Haha.

I've tried a million times to get over him, but something keeps holding me back, though. I don't know if it's just me hanging onto him, or as my friend Dave suggested, that something bigger is going on and I shouldn't let go of him.

His best friend is one of my close friends, and he doesn't even know what's going on.

 

[Chizip]

I'd say take a break from all communication for a while. It will give you a chance to properly get over him. Once you have moved on you will be in a better position to just be friends with him.

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

Yeah, I talk to him about once a week (if I'm lucky) anyways. Like I said, he stopped all communication to me a few times so that I could get over him. I think it's the holidays that are making it harder for me because I had this great gift planned for him, and now I don't get to share Christmas with him.

 

[stammer476]

Having done it both ways, I really don't see the point in "staying friends" after you break up with someone. Honestly, what do you hope to get out of it?

Another chance? With the way he's acting, that's not very likely. Not to mention it's a little unfair to his new girlfriend to have his old one hanging around.

Maintain a relationship with someone? For what? Having once had a romantic relationship, you can't have a platonic one again. You've just seen a side of each other with a certain level of intimacy that will always confuse itself in a friendship. It's messy, dramatic, and hurtful, and not something you need in your life.

As difficult as it is, cutting off all ties is usually the best way to go once a relationship's over. If you don't keep the leftovers of a good meal for more than a week, you shouldn't keep the leftovers of a good relationship either. Both will stink up your life, and if you make the mistake of going back in for seconds, you'll just experience pain.

 

[stammer476]

*double post*

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

Well, considering that he was a close friend of mine and that he has said that he wanted us to be good friends again, I really want a friendship with him again. His new girlfriend knows me anyways. We were sorta friends even though we never really were close, but she was in a lot of my classes.

I've seen the majority to all of my friends be close friends or at least good friends with their exes. Considering that my boyfriend and I weren't together for a really long time, I think that we can still be friends.

 

[snowbunny00774]

I think chizip is right. A break is needed. While your other friends might all be friends with their exes, I bet all the situations were not the same as yours. I don't agree that exes can never be friends, but you need to have a little distance first, esp. in your situation as he broke up with you and moved on right away. This would make anyone a little raw and sensitive for a while. I also don't think it is fair to expect him not to mention the new GF as they have now been together for 3 months and she is (unfortunately) probably a big part of his day to day life. He may not intend to talk about her but he probably forgets and mentions her. You said he only mentions it briefly so I doubt it is intentional. You are likely to be sensitive to this and this is another reason to avoid him for a while. When I broke up with a guy I was with for almost 4 yrs, we tried to stay friends but it was too hurtful to both of us ( we weren't mean, just the memories were a bit painful), and we moved happily on. We would run into each other sometimes and catch up for a few mins and that was enuf for both of us and very manageable. While being friendly works for some, it is not for everyone, and doesn't always happen right away. Good Luck

Also, if the gift you had planned was really good pm me for my mailing address

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

Hahaha I never bought the gift. I was going to put together a scrapbook of our relationship. I had pictures from the day we started dating and from homecoming and stuff. I was going to go take pictures of the places we rode bikes to, and then I was going to put in a bunch of lyrics to songs that either made me think of him or we're (I don't like cliches, but...) "our songs."

So I don't think it would mean the same if I sent it to you.

 

[starsgoblue]

I think a gift of that nature wouldn't be the best idea for the situation.

 

[briarrose]

I agree with what Chizip said. It's so much easier to get over someone when you completely cut off communication.

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

I think a gift of that nature wouldn't be the best idea for the situation.

Oh no, I'm not giving it to him now. Haha I was talking about what I was going to get him, before we broke up.

 

[For Honor]

So my ex-boyfriend and I have been apart for almost three months now. He's dating a girl that he got together with five days after he broke up with me.


................

What should I say to him or do? I've talked to my friends, and they are as confused as me.

He doesn't seem to be very concerned about you, so I'd stop being so concerned about him.

IfI were you, I'd stop interacting with him alltogeter

 

[For Honor]

:


If he was really sensitive to your feelings he wouldn't mention her to you, it's a little too fresh right now I'd say for him to be doing that.

I understand that idea, but I really don't like it. I can't stand when people lie to me, or try to go behind my back about something. I think it's better that she knows he's got a new girl, because obviously he's moving on. But I really don't like the idea of "not telling someone something". You're all adults, not children, right?

And if he really wanted to be friends with you he'd make the proper effort and be mature about it.

Exactly.

 

[For Honor]

His best friend is one of my close friends, and he doesn't even know what's going on.

..... are you sure?

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

..... are you sure?

Am I sure that he's really one of my close friends, or am I sure that he doesn't know what's going on?

To answer both of your questions, his friend has been my friend for a little while. I actually knew the guy before my ex-boyfriend did. My friend doesn't agree with a lot of the things that my ex-boyfriend is doing so he's kinda torn on what to do. Do I think that he's hiding things from me? Maybe he is. He's a loyal friend to both me and my ex-boyfriend so it has got to be really hard to be loyal to two people who are kinda at a conflict with each other.


I sent out a Christmas card to him today (No, he's not the only one. I had to send out 36 cards this year. Haha.) so if this doesn't heal things, then I'm not quite sure what I'll do next. But thank you all for your help so far.

 

[Carek1230]

Once a cheater always a cheater. Kick him to the curb....the guy, the relationship AND the friendship.

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

Once a cheater always a cheater. Kick him to the curb....the guy, the relationship AND the friendship.

Well, he didn't cheat on me. He just left me and started dating someone else a few days later, which I suppose isn't much better. Heh heh.

 

[lady luck]

Once a cheater always a cheater. Kick him to the curb....the guy, the relationship AND the friendship.

Carek is completely right

Make this as your #1 resolution for the new day.
Kick the a**holes that make you sad out of your life.

You'll feel better and after some days of blue you'll understand that it's good to leave behind the things that you don't really need.

He's going out with someone else.

Call your friends and go out, you too.
It's not necessary to run immediately into another relation, you can have a lot of fun with your buddies.

And perhaps you'll find out a lot about yourself in the meanwhile!!!

Good luck

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

Ehh no worries anymore, guys. On Christmas, I got sick of him barely talking to me so I asked him if we were friends. One long argument later, he told me that he doesn't want to be my friend and that he's lied to me about almost everything. So now that my screen name is blocked, I can't do anything more. If he changes his mind, then he can unblock me, but I doubt that will happen.



Oh wells. I tried to be kind and loving to him so it's his fault that we're not friends anymore. I just wish all this crap never happened.

 

[For Honor]

So now that my screen name is blocked, I can't do anything more

*gasp* .
Well, it could be worse.


At least you know the truth now. Isn't that refreshing? I can't stand it when people lie.

Quite frankly, I think you got an awesome gift, even if it somewhat unpleasant to deal with. (as in, a solid, clean break from the relationship, and a very clear message of how things are. Time to move on)

If he changes his mind, then he can unblock me, but I doubt that will happen.

No, if he somehow proves himself worthy of you in the future, then you can consider letting him back into your life. It is very unwise to let someone who lies like that back into your life easily, even if he's using lieing as an excuse. Because either way it's a lie, and lies just don't cut it.

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

At least you know the truth now. Isn't that refreshing? I can't stand it when people lie.

Yeah it's good to know the truth. I kept asking him different things, and he kept saying "Why do you want me to keep hurting you?" Well, I just needed to know the whole truth so I didn't go around thinking things that he didn't mean, whether they were good or bad.

I don't know. This whole thing is hard for me to get over for some reason.

 

[For Honor]

(I edited my post)



I am very wary about people who don't want to be open in regards to relationships. I respect privacy, but when people try to brush over or not tell you something, then.... well, it's usually nota good sign. Either they don't trust you or they don't want you to know, or other things. I just don't like it.

I would never want my feelings spared via being lied to, includding ommision. Because.... ..... it's not really true, then. it's not really real, if lies are clouding it.

Hope that makes sense.


I guess the bottom line is, a decicive action has been made about the situation, and now you have a clean slate to work with. Anyone can get over anyone... I've seen it happen.

good luck though

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

I am very wary about people who don't want to be open in regards to relationships. I respect privacy, but when people try to brush over or not tell you something, then.... well, it's usually nota good sign. Either they don't trust you or they don't want you to know, or other things. I just don't like it.

I would never want my feelings spared via being lied to, includding ommision. Because.... ..... it's not really true, then. it's not really real, if lies are clouding it.

Hope that makes sense.


I guess the bottom line is, a decicive action has been made about the situation, and now you have a clean slate to work with. Anyone can get over anyone... I've seen it happen.

good luck though

Well, he was open during our relationship. It was just during that argument that he got defensive.

Yeah, I would rather that he had told me the truth from the beginning. Then at least I wouldn't have been believing a bunch of crap.

Thanks for your help, For Honor.

 

[For Honor]

I don't think I've said anything great, but you are very welcome.

 

[u2bonogirl]

Being friends with somebody you have been intimate with hardly ever works. Its just too hard to backpedal from what you had to being something else. Its much easier to move forward, but in your case you must move away.
its only going to hurt you to see him with somebody else

 

[For Honor]

^ yes. I agree completely, especially based on my own realm of experience.

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

Being friends with somebody you have been intimate with hardly ever works. Its just too hard to backpedal from what you had to being something else. Its much easier to move forward, but in your case you must move away.
its only going to hurt you to see him with somebody else

Yeah, we weren't together too long, and I've seen my friends that were together longer end up being good friends again. So maybe we'll get a fresh start somewhere down the road. But as for now, I think you're right.

Thank you, everyone!