Roommate Frustration

[onebloodonelife]

So, I'm living with a good friend of mine from high school in the dorms. Her boyfriend also lives in the city, but in his own apartment. Before we moved, she told me and claimed she would only spend one night a week over at his apartment. Fine, I can deal with that. Now, it's turned into an every weekend thing, as well as one night during the week.

I feel kind of bad for her boyfriend because he doesn't know anyone here and goes to the technical college, so he doesn't get quite the same experience as he would at the university living in dorms. Basically, he's lonely.

Here's my issue: I signed up to live with her because I actually wanted to hang out with her, not end up sitting around all weekend by myself. When she is here, it's cool, we end up having really good conversations, stuff like that. But when she's not, that's when the problems start. It's hard enough for me to meet people; I'm sort of a "strong" personality, opinionated, etc. Some people don't take to it well. I pretty much end up isolated for an entire weekend doing nothing because I haven't found people to hang out with yet. A lot of people on my floor are very into partying, which I'm not. Then, there are our neighbors, who are cool, but very studies oriented, like spending hours upon hours a day studying and doing homework. And, one of the neighbors recently got a boyfriend, so she's been spending most of her time with him, and then coming over to our room, asking to talk to my roommate about all of her dirty whateverness.

I'm just all over the place about this right now because I enjoy living up here so much. I'm way more at ease in the city than I ever was at home, and it's great to be living away from my family. But, I'm having such a problem with this. The other thing is that my roomie comes home on Sundays and proceeds to tell me all about her wild sex, something I definitely don't want to hear about, especially when I've been freaking sitting in the dorm all weekend. It's just getting really frustrating, and I'm regretting signing up to live with her instead of taking my chances with a random roommate selection. I'm so upset about it and don't know what to do.

 

[martha]

I'm sorry, honey. I don't really have anything constructive to say, though.

 

[LemonMelon]

Sounds more like a frustrating occurrence than something we can advise you in. I'm sorry.

 

[snowbunny00774]

So, I'm living with a good friend of mine from high school in the dorms. Her boyfriend also lives in the city, but in his own apartment. Before we moved, she told me and claimed she would only spend one night a week over at his apartment. Fine, I can deal with that. Now, it's turned into an every weekend thing, as well as one night during the week.

I feel kind of bad for her boyfriend because he doesn't know anyone here and goes to the technical college, so he doesn't get quite the same experience as he would at the university living in dorms. Basically, he's lonely.

Here's my issue: I signed up to live with her because I actually wanted to hang out with her, not end up sitting around all weekend by myself. When she is here, it's cool, we end up having really good conversations, stuff like that. But when she's not, that's when the problems start. It's hard enough for me to meet people; I'm sort of a "strong" personality, opinionated, etc. Some people don't take to it well. I pretty much end up isolated for an entire weekend doing nothing because I haven't found people to hang out with yet. A lot of people on my floor are very into partying, which I'm not. Then, there are our neighbors, who are cool, but very studies oriented, like spending hours upon hours a day studying and doing homework. And, one of the neighbors recently got a boyfriend, so she's been spending most of her time with him, and then coming over to our room, asking to talk to my roommate about all of her dirty whateverness.

I'm just all over the place about this right now because I enjoy living up here so much. I'm way more at ease in the city than I ever was at home, and it's great to be living away from my family. But, I'm having such a problem with this. The other thing is that my roomie comes home on Sundays and proceeds to tell me all about her wild sex, something I definitely don't want to hear about, especially when I've been freaking sitting in the dorm all weekend. It's just getting really frustrating, and I'm regretting signing up to live with her instead of taking my chances with a random roommate selection. I'm so upset about it and don't know what to do.

most of the roommate complaints I've had and heard are that they are actually having the BF over ALL the time and eating the food and using the hot water etc. so your's is definitely the less heard from side of the coin.

your roommate signed up to live with someone to share with, as much or as little as she wanted to as her needs change. she probably did not realize that entailed being a buffer for introducing you to people that otherwise might take you the wrong way, and you expect her to be available every weekend. when you sign up for a new roommate next year I'd probably make that more clear in the ad.
In the meantime I'd suggest signing up for "human interaction 101". I'm not trying to be a bitch, I don't have to try yeah yeah my critics, I am suggesting that you cannot always depend on a third party to provide your entertainment and interaction with others. you should spend some of your abondoned time self analyzing why people don't take well to you, and how you can soften that without sacrificing the things that are truly important to you. you cannot rely on other people not pursuing their own destiny in order to facilitate yours.


I sincerely hope things get better for you.

 

[redhotswami]

Cassie - so you're living in a dorm? OMG! After working in Residence Life for a year I *know* that there is stuff for you to do, that's because I spent most of my life during that time organizing programs and going to them. So you're opinionated? Believe me, there are clubs for that too where you'd fit right in with people who are very similar! No matter where the college campus is (middle of nowhere to bustling metropolis) each one has loads of programming going on with so much to do and many people to meet.

I know it may feel awkward to try going to something all by yourself, however, I can assure you that you will not be the only one there! There's plenty of other people waiting to meet you Seriously, join a club. Because pretty soon those student organizations will be looking for new leadership, and they will need strong personalities like you to carry the torch and help them grow.

 

[BonoIsMyMuse]

I second unico's suggestions. College campuses have so much to do, even if it takes students awhile to find things. Read your college paper, look around its website, even see what events are posted on Facebook. At this point in the semester, I'd guess there would be some music department concerts, movies, and study break type parties.

At the start of the semester, a lot of organizations will be looking for new members, and I'm sure you can find some different ones that interest you. Not that you have to be on the go 24/7, but you'll enjoy your weekends more with or without your roommate if you have some things to look forward to. That way, next time she launches into one of her TMI stories, you can interrupt her and tell her what a great weekend you had!

 

[MooMoo!]

Seems to me you're too dependant on her company. I mean what will you do after college when you move out and have no-one? You'll have to get out and socialise sooner or later. I cant really talk cos Im pretty anti social myself, but there must be some clubs you can go to. Even if its as little as going to a library or computer room, at least you'd be doing something.

 

[anitram]

I can honestly tell you I wish my roommates were like yours. One of them has her girlfriend over about 4 days a week (and they cook, bake and participate in other loud activities together at all times of day and night) and the other one never bloody leaves the house and is psycho.

I don't know what advice to give you, but I do think that being out of your hair for a few days a week is probably what allows you to still enjoy being roommates, because otherwise you'd already be sick of each other, just by virtue of being in each others' hair 24/7.

Do you feel uncomfortable hanging out with them as a couple? Maybe you could hang out on a Friday/Saturday night with them a few times, like for dinner or a movie or to go to a bar or whatever? There are couple friends of mine I love hanging out with because I don't feel like an extra at all.

 

[onebloodonelife]

Cassie - so you're living in a dorm? OMG! After working in Residence Life for a year I *know* that there is stuff for you to do, that's because I spent most of my life during that time organizing programs and going to them. So you're opinionated? Believe me, there are clubs for that too where you'd fit right in with people who are very similar! No matter where the college campus is (middle of nowhere to bustling metropolis) each one has loads of programming going on with so much to do and many people to meet.

I know it may feel awkward to try going to something all by yourself, however, I can assure you that you will not be the only one there! There's plenty of other people waiting to meet you Seriously, join a club. Because pretty soon those student organizations will be looking for new leadership, and they will need strong personalities like you to carry the torch and help them grow.

Alright, so I found out that there is a One Campaign group on campus, and I emailed the president to get more information about meetings and stuff like that. I was looking for groups to join, but just hadn't taken the initiative to contact anyone about it yet. Hopefully I'll hear back from her soon about it.

My dorm is kind of awkward in general, I mean my CA isn't very good about getting people to participate in events, and pretty much everyone always has their doors closed. Plus, the girls on my floor just don't have the same interests that I do; they're more into getting drunk over the weekend, and I'm, well, not.

Do you feel uncomfortable hanging out with them as a couple? Maybe you could hang out on a Friday/Saturday night with them a few times, like for dinner or a movie or to go to a bar or whatever? There are couple friends of mine I love hanging out with because I don't feel like an extra at all.

I don't feel weird hanging out with them, and we have a few times, but she hasn't brought it up to me lately, and I'm not about to invite myself over. And, they are really good about keeping the PDA to a minimum when other people are around, so that's helpful at least. But, anyway, the idea of hanging out together hasn't been offered lately, so it just hasn't happened.

 

[Liesje]

When I was in the dorms I ended up spending a LOT more time at Phil's house than I thought I would. My roommate was my best friend from high school, still my best friend, and I don't at all regret living with her. We have similar interest, similar schedules as far as sleep, how much we study, when we wake up on the weekends, etc so it worked out very well (at least, I think so). If I had been paired with some of the other girls on our floor, I probably would have killed myself or them! The problems I had were with the other people on our floor, not her. We got along fine and also became great friends with our randomly assigned suite mates freshman year. However, there were a few people that were constantly on my case about how I was dating Phil. It's a long, complex story, but we met when he was an RA, and I guess the really conservative people decided that it's against the rules for RAs to date, and they would have conversations about this with me at the table, like I didn't exist. They also constantly pestered me about never participating in floor activities. I explained my reasons many times, but they never listened. I couldn't get them to understand that my parents were not paying for my college, nor were they giving me money. I didn't have money to spend on their dorm activities and I didn't have time because I worked multiple jobs aside from being a student. Most of the time I spent at Phil's, we were doing homework and catching up on sleep. His house was a quiet place where I could get my shit done without people constantly walking into the dorm room and pestering me (we had an open-door floor).

I don't know if any of that pertains to your roommate, but that is my perspective as someone who had a love/hate relationship with living in the dorms!

 

[redhotswami]

My dorm is kind of awkward in general, I mean my CA isn't very good about getting people to participate in events, and pretty much everyone always has their doors closed. Plus, the girls on my floor just don't have the same interests that I do; they're more into getting drunk over the weekend, and I'm, well, not.

Your CA sucks! You should apply to be one next year I'm glad you've contacted ONE at your campus. That is a great start! Is there an SGAC at your campus? They are a very involved organization too. Good luck and have fun

 

[JanuaryStar]

We'd be great roommates, Cassie, I can tell you that

As for your frustrations, I think it's good to contact some organisations, like some people suggested here. I hope you'll hear back from the ONE group soon, so maybe you could join that or another group and meet some new cool people who you can hang out with. I can imagine you don't like to hang out by yourself most of the time when you've signed up to live with your roomie for at least some of her company

 

[onebloodonelife]

When I was in the dorms I ended up spending a LOT more time at Phil's house than I thought I would. My roommate was my best friend from high school, still my best friend, and I don't at all regret living with her. We have similar interest, similar schedules as far as sleep, how much we study, when we wake up on the weekends, etc so it worked out very well (at least, I think so). If I had been paired with some of the other girls on our floor, I probably would have killed myself or them! The problems I had were with the other people on our floor, not her. We got along fine and also became great friends with our randomly assigned suite mates freshman year. However, there were a few people that were constantly on my case about how I was dating Phil. It's a long, complex story, but we met when he was an RA, and I guess the really conservative people decided that it's against the rules for RAs to date, and they would have conversations about this with me at the table, like I didn't exist. They also constantly pestered me about never participating in floor activities. I explained my reasons many times, but they never listened. I couldn't get them to understand that my parents were not paying for my college, nor were they giving me money. I didn't have money to spend on their dorm activities and I didn't have time because I worked multiple jobs aside from being a student. Most of the time I spent at Phil's, we were doing homework and catching up on sleep. His house was a quiet place where I could get my shit done without people constantly walking into the dorm room and pestering me (we had an open-door floor).

I don't know if any of that pertains to your roommate, but that is my perspective as someone who had a love/hate relationship with living in the dorms!

I definitely get where you're coming from. My floor is, for the most part, annoying. We have a quad on one side of us, and those girls have no respect for quiet or courtesy hours whatsoever. We're talking, 3am on a Tuesday, they're up, screaming, laughing, loud music, the works. I've told my CA, and she's done nothing about it. I like the idea of the open door, but I would never want it to always be open either.

Your CA sucks! You should apply to be one next year I'm glad you've contacted ONE at your campus. That is a great start! Is there an SGAC at your campus? They are a very involved organization too. Good luck and have fun

Yeah, she does...I checked, and no SGAC on campus...kinda weird actually since my college has the second largest student base in the country, but oh well I guess.

We'd be great roommates, Cassie, I can tell you that

As for your frustrations, I think it's good to contact some organisations, like some people suggested here. I hope you'll hear back from the ONE group soon, so maybe you could join that or another group and meet some new cool people who you can hang out with. I can imagine you don't like to hang out by yourself most of the time when you've signed up to live with your roomie for at least some of her company

Thanks! I really hope I hear back from the ONE group. I also emailed the president of the Amnesty International group on campus about their meetings.

 

[Muldfeld]

So, I'm living with a good friend of mine from high school in the dorms. Her boyfriend also lives in the city, but in his own apartment. Before we moved, she told me and claimed she would only spend one night a week over at his apartment. Fine, I can deal with that. Now, it's turned into an every weekend thing, as well as one night during the week.

I feel kind of bad for her boyfriend because he doesn't know anyone here and goes to the technical college, so he doesn't get quite the same experience as he would at the university living in dorms. Basically, he's lonely.

Here's my issue: I signed up to live with her because I actually wanted to hang out with her, not end up sitting around all weekend by myself. When she is here, it's cool, we end up having really good conversations, stuff like that. But when she's not, that's when the problems start. It's hard enough for me to meet people; I'm sort of a "strong" personality, opinionated, etc. Some people don't take to it well. I pretty much end up isolated for an entire weekend doing nothing because I haven't found people to hang out with yet. A lot of people on my floor are very into partying, which I'm not. Then, there are our neighbors, who are cool, but very studies oriented, like spending hours upon hours a day studying and doing homework. And, one of the neighbors recently got a boyfriend, so she's been spending most of her time with him, and then coming over to our room, asking to talk to my roommate about all of her dirty whateverness.

I'm just all over the place about this right now because I enjoy living up here so much. I'm way more at ease in the city than I ever was at home, and it's great to be living away from my family. But, I'm having such a problem with this. The other thing is that my roomie comes home on Sundays and proceeds to tell me all about her wild sex, something I definitely don't want to hear about, especially when I've been freaking sitting in the dorm all weekend. It's just getting really frustrating, and I'm regretting signing up to live with her instead of taking my chances with a random roommate selection. I'm so upset about it and don't know what to do.

Ah, the isolation that is dorm life. I can only recommend that you be honest with her about not wanting to hear about her wild sex. I think it's only fair. Regarding the boyfriend thing, I don't know. I had a tough time letting go of my brothers when they had girlfriends.

When I was in undergrad I really missed out on making actually solid friends and hung around those on my floor, who ended up being okay, but mostly dull, selfish unsubstantial friends. We all were on the same floor because we hated parties and loud stuff, too, but they could be pricks in other ways. It also didn't help that most of the kids in my dorm were pretentious, mean-spirited rich kids who acted like not smiling or being kind and getting drunk to the point of vomiting was the epitome of coolness.

It's important to try to make new friends, and it's tough. The important thing is not to get too attached to your friend. I was very hurt when those I thought were my friends in high school didn't want to keep in contact much when I started university. I'm sorry about how that feels. At least your friend is sometimes there for you, even if it's just because she lives there.

The bottom line is it's okay to feel the way you do, but it's a good idea to try to make new friends, and it might keep you from staying in abusive friendships/relationships for fear of being alone. I've had a lot of trouble with that, but maybe you should see a university psychologist about that. It might be some mild anxiety you're dealing with. I wouldn't recommend a psychiatrist because they're quite condescending and interested in medication, but a good psychologist can be helpful. You're in university and it's free for at least a limited number of sessions, and psychologists are extremely expensive normally, so I say go for it!

Anyway, good luck.

 

[zonelistener]

ski-U-mah

Thanks! I really hope I hear back from the ONE group. I also emailed the president of the Amnesty International group on campus about their meetings.

Unico has a few good suggestions and SnowBunny is right on. YOU need to go out and take control of your college social career.

I went to college not too far from you, and came from far away. I did not know anyone on campus, and did not drink. EVERYONE had friends from H.S. at the school. I had to work to meet people. I got involved in a lot - and had very little in common with my matched roomie.

My suggestion: hit the Spring Activities Fair (if I am right in the fact that you are a Gopher...I just checked the Coffman site and it will be on Feb. 5 from 10a to 2p). Check out the different organizations and GET INVOLVED! You will find more like-minded individuals to hang out with.

 

[onebloodonelife]

Re: ski-U-mah

My suggestion: hit the Spring Activities Fair (if I am right in the fact that you are a Gopher...I just checked the Coffman site and it will be on Feb. 5 from 10a to 2p). Check out the different organizations and GET INVOLVED! You will find more like-minded individuals to hang out with.

Thanks! And, yes, your guess is right, I'm a Gopher I'll definitely check that out!