Recently married, have a crush on a coworker.

[coach]

I need to vent to this, so I thought about Interference.

I've been married for Six months now. Happily married, to my collage sweetheart no less. We have a new apartment, we're both doing great at our jobs, we're very happy.

Shortly before marrying I switched jobs, and it's been going pretty good for me. I'm the head of a small team, three people. One of which is a girl I've grown quite fond of.

She'd been living with her boyfriend for three years until last month, when she left him because the guy was kind of a douche bag. Now she's pretty depressed and moving on with her life. And I'm happy for her, because what she had was really not going anywhere, and she was constantly hurt and she's a really nice person.

And basically I'm having a hard time coping with caring for someone, other than my wife, so much. Specially because of all the circumstances; I work with her, I'm married, I'm her boss, but I really like her and I care about her.

So I'm constantly holding back trying to keep it strictly professional. But it's hard not to be supportive when she's all bummed out. And I'm trying to not let it affect me at home, but she's constantly on my mind. I don't want to cheat on my wife, I don't want to jeopardize my job. But I also don't want to shut myself emotionally off to other people, you know?

When I made the commitment to my wife, I knew that I wasn't gonna fool around on her. But it never occurred to me, that other people would actually grow on me, you know? No one told me I would have a crush on someone else, and it's just eating me up inside. I know that I probably just have to let it pass, and everything will go back to normal. But still, it's very difficult to spend most of my time with someone I'm starting to feel something for, even though it's not what I want.

Has anyone out there been through something like this? How did you cope? What did you do?

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

Well I've never been married but I've had plenty of crushes, and I certainly know what it's like to feel that kind of emotional connection with someone. But that type of thing can also be deceiving. It can be more about you than the other person, and you don't realize that until some time has passed by.

You know you love your wife and that you've made that commitment. So it's up to you to do what's necessary to keep this crush just what it is and what it should be. People say you can't turn your feelings off and I know what they mean. But you can stop yourself before it's too late. I don't think someone can really tell you what to do, it's all up to you. You don't have to shut yourself off emotionally, that's not healthy. But you still have to draw the line.

If it's not too personal, was there any kind of similar situation with your wife or in your past relationships? With someone who was like your co worker, who had some sort of "douchey" guy and you started to feel that way towards them? Sometimes we repeat those patterns for certain reasons.

 

[Rachel D.]

My dad found out his old girlfriend from ages ago had recently divorced because her husband was abusing her. He started secretly talking to her on Facebook and was really depressed about it for a while because he felt sorry for her. When Mom found out, she was pissed. You're married and other women's problems aren't your responsibility. It's not up to you to make her feel better. That might sound blunt, but there is such a thing as an "emotional affair." Just be careful.

 

[kafrun]

Great points in the above replies. Be very, very careful, because falling into an emotional affair is a slippery slope.

As the above posters mentioned, this may be more about you than a real attraction to her. Ask yourself why you're drawn to a woman who seems to need someone or need saving. I find some men can fall into this trap, forgetting the woman they have at home who seems stronger and more self-sufficient. You might want to explore what it is about you that draws you to one more than the other. Does the need to save someone give you something you should be getting from within?

Self-awareness is the key here. It can be scary, but rewarding in the end. Good luck!

 

[MsPurrl]

Some good replies here. I wish you good luck, coach. And I wish some of the guys on interference would weigh in on this topic!

 

[bono_212]

I...don't want to say too much about my personal life here, but I do want to let you know, Coach, that I understand what you're going through here. I'm very recently married myself, and I'm a pretty religious person to boot. I have no intentions on ever being unfaithful, but with that suddenly comes all of the temptation in the world. Really realizing what that means once you're married kind of came crashing down on me and suddenly I also had someone who was really interested in me hitting on me on a fairly regular basis. It made things really confusing and I'm only now (after this has been going on for about 6 months) beginning to get my mind straightened out.

I don't know how much that helps, but I definitely commiserate.

 

[bono_man2002]

You know you love your wife and that you've made that commitment. So it's up to you to do what's necessary to keep this crush just what it is and what it should be. People say you can't turn your feelings off and I know what they mean. But you can stop yourself before it's too late. I don't think someone can really tell you what to do, it's all up to you. You don't have to shut yourself off emotionally, that's not healthy. But you still have to draw the line.

Pretty much this. It's all up to you Coach.

 

[Liesje]

Just ride it out. Keep a distance that is respectful of your relationship with your wife but don't have to ignore her or shut yourself off from people. Part of being married is learning to set these boundaries and deal with them so that you aren't constantly at odds with yourself.

 

[coach]

Thank you all so much for replying. Something I'd like to say is that as soon as I made the thread I felt a bit better. I had just being carrying around that for weeks without really having anyone to talk to.

I'm intrigued by what MrsSpringsteen and Kafrun said. I can tell you that, thinking about it, I do see a pattern there. I'll try to think more about it. But that was some really revealing advice guys.

I guess I do have to figure out where to draw the line. I like that "other women's problems aren't you're responsibility" bit.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply and for your support! I promise to keep you guys posted!

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

Yes I was skirting around saying it but that's the savior complex. Plenty of women have it too. It makes for very unhealthy relationships, let alone a marriage. Not saying at all that's the case with yours, since obviously I know nothing about it. That's just a general comment. But you have to figure out what it is within you and your past that makes you drawn to that (or need it if that's the case) and then you can stop this kind of thing far more easily. If you don't it can become a never ending pattern. Like it's already been said, her problems are not your responsibility. That's much better left to a professional therapist.

It's great that you're a sympathetic and compassionate guy but that's different-and you can still hold onto that and keep the proper perspective and make your marriage the number one priority.

 

[coach]

Wow, I just read up on it a bit. And I have to say some of it struck a chord. I'll look more into it and maybe seek out some counseling. Fortunately it's not the case with my wife. She's very loving and supportive, and we have a great constructive relationship. I'd like to thank you MrsSpringsteen for pointing this out to me.

I'll keep you guys posted.

Thank you all!

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I hope you don't think I was suggesting that you should seek counseling, that's not for me to say. I was only saying that the coworker would be better off doing that than getting involved in an inappropriate way (like an emotional affair) with a married guy.

I'm glad you have that with your wife, keep it going

 

[coach]

I hope you don't think I was suggesting that you should seek counseling, that's not for me to say. I was only saying that the coworker would be better off doing that than getting involved in an inappropriate way (like an emotional affair) with a married guy.

I'm glad you have that with your wife, keep it going

Thank you so much!

 

[deep]

writing stuff down will help you out.

your first obligation is to yourself, your next obligation is to your wife

this other woman is going to have to make it on her own or get help from family, friends. the fact that you have feelings, attractions towards her, leads me believe that she is aware of that, people pick up on stuff like that.


your marriage could be in trouble, what kind of person do you want to be? a person that moves away from inappropriate thoughts and behavior or a person that allows them and indulges them.
a time will come when your wife may be attracted to someone else, do you want her to indulged those feelings? If you are married, be a man and sack up and act like a married man.

do you think people get married because they think they will never be attracted to someone else?

 

[coach]

So just to update ya'll. I've kept my distance, and maintained more a work-only relationship with the girl. And indeed that crush has gone away.

It helped that a new guy was hired, and he seems overly concerned with her. So it was like looking outside in, and what was going on with me.

I'm happy to say that all is well at home. Thanks to everyone that answered, you we were all very helpful!

Cheers!

 

[MsPurrl]

Thank you for checking in with an update, coach. I'm glad to hear this. Take care!

 

[MrsSpringsteen]