Random facts and confessions: Part 4

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I have been avoiding flying for two years and have wasted a lot of time travelling by boat and train and train and train. Today I managed to actually get on a plane back to The Netherlands. I was going to leave home next weekend but I didn't want to go alone and booked a seat on my fiance's flight an hour before check in. I had some wine before and during the flight and I had such bad pain in my ears before landing that I couldn't concentrate on anything else. They are still sore and I can't hear anything. :angry:
 
I've always had problems with my ears when flying. I had the flu over Christmas so that is what made the pain worse this time. The only thing I can do for it is take painkillers but they've never made much of a difference. I'm sure they'll feel better tomorrow. One ear has been crackling and popping a lot this evening but I still feel deaf.
 
Confession:

I made a pact with my daughter, my son, and several other people, not to drink the entire month of January.
When we all shook on it Dec 5th, it wasn't a problem, I was totally committed.
But now it's Dec 28th and I feel fucked.

I want/need to stop.
My weight and health have been compromised because of my consumption.
But I am going to be honest.
I am not where I want to be in my life, and drinking has helped me deal.
Or so I think.
:lol:
I have accomplished so much this year...more than I ever expected in terms of finances and in my profession.
I am searched and sought, I have clients for miles, I am respected and praised.
Schools, Police, Dr.'s, Teachers, City planners, Lawyers and more seek my services.
I feel so blessed and privileged to have the talents and gifts I do,
to be able to help people be healthy and to have a greater quality of life.
But the one thing I desire, eludes me.
And that is freedom.

I have always belonged to someone.
To my molesters.
To my rapist.
To a boy, a man, a husband.

I have been a mom since I was 16.
Married since 18, and a wife/mate/lover/ partner to several since then.

I just want to belong to...me.
To me and Sebastian.

No one else.

I feel depressed and sad.

And I can't back out of this pact.

And I feel like I am going to go mad with trying to find a distraction.

Will it be food?
Music?
Massage into the late hours?
Driving?
Restless nights spent on the couch?
Thank God for U2 and The Verve...they are blessed angels in disguise.

I want 2009 to make a decision for me.
But I know the truth.
I want to drink to forget.

So do I show my strength by keeping my pact, or go fucking mad with knowing I'd rather be somewhere else?
I am a strong person...strong willed, strongly independent, strong in so many ways...

But I feel weak against the circumstances of where I am.
Does anyone know what I am talking about?
Can anyone give me help and understanding?

I want to be 100% Jase.
Not 80.
Not 98.

100.
Yet I feel me slipping away more and more everyday.
 
Night & Day said:
Confession:

I made a pact with my daughter, my son, and several other people, not to drink the entire month of January.
When we all shook on it Dec 5th, it wasn't a problem, I was totally committed.
But now it's Dec 28th and I feel fucked.

I want/need to stop.
My weight and health have been compromised because of my consumption.
But I am going to be honest.
I am not where I want to be in my life, and drinking has helped me deal.
Or so I think.
:lol:
I have accomplished so much this year...more than I ever expected in terms of finances and in my profession.
I am searched and sought, I have clients for miles, I am respected and praised.
Schools, Police, Dr.'s, Teachers, City planners, Lawyers and more seek my services.
I feel so blessed and privileged to have the talents and gifts I do,
to be able to help people be healthy and to have a greater quality of life.
But the one thing I desire, eludes me.
And that is freedom.

I have always belonged to someone.
To my molesters.
To my rapist.
To a boy, a man, a husband.

I have been a mom since I was 16.
Married since 18, and a wife/mate/lover/ partner to several since then.

I just want to belong to...me.
To me and Sebastian.

No one else.

I feel depressed and sad.

And I can't back out of this pact.

And I feel like I am going to go mad with trying to find a distraction.

Will it be food?
Music?
Massage into the late hours?
Driving?
Restless nights spent on the couch?
Thank God for U2 and The Verve...they are blessed angels in disguise.

I want 2009 to make a decision for me.
But I know the truth.
I want to drink to forget.

So do I show my strength by keeping my pact, or go fucking mad with knowing I'd rather be somewhere else?
I am a strong person...strong willed, strongly independent, strong in so many ways...

But I feel weak against the circumstances of where I am.
Does anyone know what I am talking about?
Can anyone give me help and understanding?

I want to be 100% Jase.
Not 80.
Not 98.

100.
Yet I feel me slipping away more and more everyday.
Click to expand...

Jase, this may sound trite and over-done, but have you tried AA? I know several people who have been helped by AA. My thoughts and prayers are with you. :hug:
 
:hug:

Thank you MsPurrl, it's not trite.
The thing is that I have cut my consumption drastically.
I can go days without a drop, and not even think about drinking.

It's just that there has been so many other things going on in my life too, things I can't even say here, that have a part in my somewhat dependence.
I guess it's that part of my fear, because I am usually so in control of everything else, and now things I cannot control are coming back.
I am not denying I have looked to the drink for a release, numbing and to forget (yea, right) my problems...and maybe I should seek help.
But why can I handle it at times, and not at others?
Why can I go days, weeks, and then be set off?
I am so mad at myself.
Why can't I have a vice like being addicted to Disneyland, or in need of a writing fix?
:wink:

Lord, help me.
:pray:
 
:hug: Strength to you, Jase.

Interestingly enough(or not, lol, I might just be rambling), I find The Verve amazingly cathartic when processing through something and U2 wonderful when I need a boost. Love it.. :heart:
 
Night & Day said:
I want to be 100% Jase.
Not 80.
Not 98.

100.
Yet I feel me slipping away more and more everyday.
Click to expand...

:hug: Jase, live for the present and future. The past doesn't define you. What's inside defines you, so just be yourself and don't let anything in the world keep that from happening. You are an amazing and wonderful person. You don't have to forget the past. Let it add to your drive to happiness. Please let your friends be your vice, if any. :) Don't give up and keeping reaching higher for 100% Jase, even if you stumble up that mountain your friends are there to catch you. You don't belong TO anyone but with friends and family is a great place to belong. We are always here for you. Good luck Jase! :hug:
 
What wonderful words screwy :)

I confess that I really really like the Schweppervesence add with the Chris Martin-sounding singer and where the balloons all pop in slow motion... anyone seen it out of oz?
 
Night & Day said:
:hug:

Thank you MsPurrl, it's not trite.
The thing is that I have cut my consumption drastically.
I can go days without a drop, and not even think about drinking.

It's just that there has been so many other things going on in my life too, things I can't even say here, that have a part in my somewhat dependence.
I guess it's that part of my fear, because I am usually so in control of everything else, and now things I cannot control are coming back.
I am not denying I have looked to the drink for a release, numbing and to forget (yea, right) my problems...and maybe I should seek help.
But why can I handle it at times, and not at others?
Why can I go days, weeks, and then be set off?
I am so mad at myself.
Why can't I have a vice like being addicted to Disneyland, or in need of a writing fix?
:wink:

Lord, help me.
:pray:
Click to expand...

:hug: to you . . . go easy on yourself though hey? As you pointed out you have accomplished so so much . . . I don't have any words of wisdom for you, I do know what it is like to be in such emotional pain though and wish you love and laughter and understanding as you search for the answers . . . please be kind to yourself :hug:
 
Jase, I don't have any real words of wisdom but from what I can tell, you're an amazingly strong person and if you want to do this, I believe in you. Also know that, should it happen, just one little slip doesn't make you a terrible person. Start every day fresh. :hug:
 
I'm wearing a silver cross, interestingly enough. Christmas present from a cousin.

So yes, the Superthread calls. Calls YOU.
 
Today I went to a movie with my dad for the first time in a while, but I'd pick going with him over going with my friends any day. He's just awesome.
 
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