Questioning your sexuality.

[Bones58]

I've really been down the past several months, Ever since the end of july I've been questioning my sexuality. I've been straight before that. I only ever checked out woman and never guys. But it seems that my self esteem and lonliness are starting to manifest themselves into sexual urges. Lets be clear I want to marry a woman, do things with a woman etc etc you get the point . In fact I find woman emotionally and physically attractive and when I imagine with myself with a woman, sex forms part of the whole picture. Where as with men it seems to be with lust, I have zero urge to have a proper relationship with a dude . I depise what has happened to me, I was starting to get my life into shape (I'm 16 BTW) then this crap pops up. I was always nervous around woman and had a poor self-image and because of my mental inhibitions, I never ask a girl out in fact the first and last time I kissed a girl was when i was 10 (which is pretty sad in fact). Also many of guy friends started to smoke hash and get involved with vandalism which I wanted no part of so most of them have either moved away or are doing things I don't agree with and I stopped going about with them consequently. This has made me incredibley lonely and the only time I get out the house is to go to the local sports centre to play football with some of my mates from school. I just really resent all this crap thats happened to me and i seem to have good days and bad days. Bi-curious is label I feel most cofortable with just now because neither straight nor gay seem to fit. Has anyone else questioned their sexuality or can anyone give me any advice? Thank you for any help

 

[pepokiss]

while I really don't get to the point where you talk of why you're questioning yourself, all I can say is this...


it's normal to be nervous around girls.. they can make you or brake you... it's ok to fear them a little (not that much either), because I assume you don't want to get a NO for an answer... no one does

but you're still 16, and you still have time... and maybe what you can do is relate to some girls, but not going with sex on your mind (like all of us would), and just be yourself...

at some stage you'll be able to be around them and not be afraid

 

[MrPryck2U]

Ease up on yourself a bit. Bottom line: you're not gay or bi-curious. You're shy. It's that simple. Trust me, there are plenty of dudes out there who were 16 and still hadn't kissed a girl. It's ok. If you're aware that you have a low self image, then I would suggest you get counseling of some sort. Or maybe there's a trusted adult that you could confide in. It's normal to be a little reluctant socially around girls, but the more you spend time just hanging out with them, the more comfortable you'll be. Try not to be concerned with what they think. Just try to be yourself.

 

[snowbunny00774]

Are you in a position to work a part time job? That might get you meeting people and help with the loneliness, and hopefully those people are on a straighter path than your previous friends. If you end up working with some women that might put you at ease in their company, and help with your confidence levels also.

Good Luck.

 

[vaz02]

Man its normal for teenage guys to be thinking this. Even though your mates might be with girls now it doesnt stop them thinking this either.

 

[Canadiens1131]

It often feels like the word will come crashing down on you when you're 16, but honestly there's a lot of shit out there you haven't experienced yet and I'm only 19/20.

 

[Irvine511]

don't pressure yourself to fit into any specific boxes, but don't push anything out of your head simply because it might not fit the expectations you've had set in front of you by friends, family, society, etc. you are you, and that's it. labels are secondary, and they're meant for other people so they can try and understand you, not so you can understand yourself.

at 16 you should be trying to develop social skills, overcoming shyness, hanging out with friends, etc., so that you can become a more successful, socially-skilled adult. and there's no rush, it's a process, it's all about growing up, and you seem very self-aware so i'm sure you'll grow tremendously between, say, now and when you're 22 or 23.

until then, don't be so hard on yourself. and don't beat yourself up for any thoughts. they are YOUR thougths, and yours alone, and you don't have to answer for them, or feel badly about them, or even tell anyone about them. they are not disgusting. they are not a problem (unless you make them into a problem). and they are perfectly normal. i would encourage you to write about them, and try to understand them, and not to be afraid.

if you find yourself in a few years still attracted to both men and women, that's perfectly fine. perhaps you'll need to explore what it would be like to go on a date (or more) with a man, and with a woman. you only owe yourself, and others, honesty.

if you are worried (and, really, it shouldn't be a worry, though i can understand that) that you might be bi or even gay, let me give you a piece of advice that someone gave me: your body will let you know.

if you are gay, believe me, you'll know. if you are straight, you'll know. sexuality and attraction are a unique intersection between biology and psychology, and i'm pretty sure you'll figure it out because your body will be screaming out what it is that you want.

maybe it's a woman. maybe it's a man. maybe it's just a person. no matter what the answer is, it's going to be okay, just so long as you are always, always honest with yourself. and, ultimatley, with other people.

 

[HeartlandGirl]

Beautifully said, Irvine.

 

[Bones58]

Thanks for the replys everyone

 

[Serena Vox]

Everyone gets curious every now and then, even myself. It's pretty normal what with the hormones and all. Just look at yourself and decide for yourself what you prefer. You may think that perhaps you like guys but then you'll discover that you don't, or maybe you'll discover that you do. Either way, you are still you and nothing changes that.
You can't really determine one way or the other unless you've been in a proper relationship with one sex or the other.
Chances are, by the sounds of things, you're just straight and confused. But don't rule it out. Until you know for certain, all you can do is wonder.
But don't ever let it bring you down. It's not abnormal at all for people to wonder about things like this. Just keep on going and analyze things as you go along. You'll fit the pieces together sometime. All it takes is some time and patience.

I would say though, you ought to try finding a part time job, like one other person suggested, or get involved in some volunteer stuff or something of the sort. You can meet all kinds of people and have fun doing so. It would also ease the normal lonliness that being by yourself cooped up all the time can bring. Perhaps you can figure things out for yourself and such.

As for myself, I have questioned mine through most of high school to be honest. I come from an extreme homophobic family...so I always was taught that being gay or bisexual was wrong. Most of the people in my area feel the same and some are even violent towards those not straight. So it scared me a good deal when I started to question it. I'd often times find myself checking out girls, wondering what it'd be like to be in a relationship with them and the like. I would deny it to myself and insist I was straight. I'd do anything possible to keep my mind off of it or my eyes from wandering, especially so not to draw attention from my family if they noticed.
I went on...for about 5 years like that. I knew no one else who was bi or gay until I became active on the internet and talked to people. They'd tell me how they figured it out and that they went through a lot of the stuff that I did.
I didn't base my decision ultimately on what they said, but rather I took their experiences into account and tried to figure things out for myself. I dated several boys throughout high school and I never really clicked with any of them. I didn't feel any sort of connection, but I still find them attractive. A year or so after my last relationship in school, I ended up in a relationship with this really sweet girl and we were together until just recently.
I had deemed myself bisexual by that point. And even now, a couple more relationships later, I question a little, am I bisexual, or am I lesbian?
Though I am fairly sure I'm just bi. It doesn't stop the thoughts from developing and the questions to come up. Questioning things, just happens.

 

[phillyfan26]

I'm very outgoing and I neither have had any success with the ladies. It just hasn't worked out for me. I've pretty much figured out that it's just not working for me right now, because I'm limited to these people from school and a few other things. It's quite a small group of people, just one school. I figure in college and working days I'll have new experiences and meet new people. I haven't always been this easy going about being permanantly single, but I've figured it out: I just haven't met the right person. There's so much time and so many people, and I've experienced so little. I'm generally impatient but here I've found patience is fine. Just a couple more years till college and then a new start.

 

[2morrow]

^Great thinking, phillyfan. It's good to be patient...once I got out of highschool, there were so many different kinds of people at work and college.

Maybe that's why highschool kinda sucked...?!

 

[coemgen]

Bones58, I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. lonliness is difficult -- I've been there. For me, during most of junior high and high school I was quiet most of the time. I had friends, but I also felt alone a great deal. I think those years are tough for many of us. It gets better though. It really does. For me, going off to college and finding my own identity away from my regular setting helped a great deal. It also freed me in a sense to discover myself as a person. I learned more about what I was passionate about. What angered me. What my talents were. (I'm still learning all of this, by the way.) A huge part of me learning who I am came from further developing my faith that I had kind of not taken seriously. It sounds corny, but Bono's faith and the way he lives it out was actually a big part of me growing spiritually. He definitely found his identity. I think I'm still discovering mine, but I'm on the right path. I would urge you to try this. I'd also suggest keeping a journal and just talking to someone face to face whom you can trust. Get your thoughts and feelings out there. That helps a lot.
I'll definitely keep you in my prayers, Bones58. Keep us posted.

God bless,

coemgen

 

[Bones58]

Once again thanks for the advice everyone! Coemgen, I'm glad to see that i'm not that only one that once was in this position. I do really feel quite constrained by the High School enviroment. Don't get me wrong but I friendly with pretty much everybody but a get on with most folk but I feel as if I've really not found myself, I think questioning my sexuality is a symtom of that. I've pretty much figured out I'm not gay but do find myself attracted to some men but it can all change. For example last week I wasn't attracted to any guys atol and went through a straight period now I notice men more this week. It's all very confusing. Though once I start dating I'll know. I'm getting a job at a local DIY store, so see how that goes. But yeah it's really not been a great time recently in my life. Its only been the last seven months where I have went through this legendary teenage depression and confusion, but hey everyone goes through it . Again everyone thanks for your help, I really do appreciate it!

 

[MrPryck2U]

Glad things are going well. Bottom line: High School sucks! If you need a little help coping, dive into some really good art, be it music, movies, paintings or photos. All good artists have gone through a bad time of some sort and have channelled it creatively. Congrats on the job. Hang in there!

 

[coemgen]

Thanks for the update, Bones58. A job will help.

Keep us posted, man. I'm still praying for you. ray: