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Old 10-03-2007, 01:45 PM   #121
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$33K in one city won't go nearly as far as it will in another city, so it can be hard for others to judge how far that will go. However, if she's not in an area that is ridiculously expensive, like NYC, I think she would be fine on that. It will take adjustments to her current spending habits, but she should be able to adjust.

It's nice that you are concerned about her, but I think she will be fine financially.

If my boyfriend and I broke up, and I had to be on my own, my money would be tight...but I know I could manage. Would I be as comfortable as I am now? No. But I'd be okay.
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Old 10-03-2007, 04:00 PM   #122
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To give you an idea, a 1 bed room apartment in a nice part of Des Moines (West Des Moines usually is the "hot spot") will go for around 500-700 bucks a month. That's probably around a 700-900 sq ft apartment.

The place we live in now, is a 2 bedroom townhome/condo with an attached one car garage 1100 sq ft and when I purchased it 5 years ago it was listed at 107k.

That's what I really love about Des Moines, big city salary, with a not so big city living expenses. We may not have the great night life or events of a Chicago/Kansas City, but we have enough. Plus, it's not too far of a drive to the big cities. Probably will be taking more trips once everything is settled. Watch out Las Vegas next year!

If I go before a judge for this divorce, I hope they have common sense like some of the people in here.
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Old 10-03-2007, 04:16 PM   #123
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When I was in grad school, I had a $10,000 a year stipend, plus $8500 a year in loans, and sometimes $2500 from teaching in the summer. I lived modestly but was still able to have little luxuries like Netflix and cable internet. I was able to do that because I have absolutely no debt besides student loans. I never put anything on my credit card I couldn't pay off in two or three months. I also found an apartment that included heat, hot water, and gas.

It's possible to live somewhat comfortably on a modest salary. You just really have to control impulse buying and be okay with not having the newest and fanciest version of everything. I learned how to do my grocery shopping on a budget, stocking up on things when they went on sale or buying cheaper cuts of meat and cooking them in the crockpot. Not making a lot of money actually forced me to become a better cook, because I couldn't afford to eat out very often. I hope I never have to be in that financial situation again, but I'm thankful for it in a way, because it made me more careful with my money.
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Old 10-03-2007, 05:19 PM   #124
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I'm sorry Beal.
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Old 10-11-2007, 05:24 PM   #125
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so.............................how are you, BEAL??

We've not heard from you in a few days.........just wanted to let you know we're thinking about you.

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Old 10-12-2007, 11:17 AM   #126
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I'm doing OK. Most days better than others.

Guess update:

This coming Tuesday I am meeting with a lawyer to discuss filing for an Uncontested Divorce. My wife and I have both discussed it would be in our best interests to solve this on our own. Neither one of us really wants to spend 10k on lawyer fees to argue over a sofa or any sort of support.

I've told my wife that she can expect me to continue to pay her bills for a little longer while she builds her bank account back up. She is currently looking at apartments and roommates. She said she met with someone last night in regards to a place to stay. Said the gals were very nice, but didn't say anything more than that.

There have been tough days with us still living together, but for the most part, it's just been blah. This week alone she has asked me a few times if we are doing the right thing. I ask her what her thoughts are, and if she's reconsidering, and she just kind of shrugs her shoulders. She says she wants to make sure it is right.

She does say that her feeling that we're better off going forward hasn't changed, but she's really struggling with how we're divorcing over stupid, petty arguments. My response has been yes, it is very tough to understand how we can get past much bigger issues, yet struggle with the small speed bumps.

But the fact of the matter is, we do struggle. We've spent 5 months in counseling and while progress has been made in areas, we continue to get more and more unhappy with each other. Can I see us working, maybe. Can I see us being more miserable, that's a bigger maybe.

She's struggling right now with the fact that she's "starting over". She has to find a place to live, she has to live on a much smaller salary than what she's been used to. Of course, none of those problems are really mine, but I've told her that she is strong enough to get through them. This is why I've decided to help her get back on her feet faster. I'm not doing it to show what a nice guy I am, but out of love and care I have for her.

I think it's natural to have 2nd thoughts going through all of this, but if we both feel it's the right thing to do, it probably is. Sometimes 1st instinct is the best.

Just this past Tuesday night is a prime example of our struggles. I come home from TKD and she's upstairs on the computer crying and moping. I ask her what's wrong, and she says nothing. That's a lie, so I keep pressing. Finally, she blows up and tells me about everything (not like I couldn't figure it out on my own). this causes a big fight between us, and lots of drama that we don't need right now.

Unfortunately, I have a personality where I want to know what's wrong right now! She is of the mindset where if something is wrong, process it, then move forward. It's a clash of personalities that we have, and one that probably won't go away. I've been told to respect her space when she gets like that, and I don't....because it's just not who I am. Naturally, when something upsets me, the whole world hears about it, and she doesn't like that either, because she feels it's a overreaction.

So that's about where we're at right now. We're both going through the motions, and she's taking it the hardest right now....with good reason. I do wonder if she doesn't find a place soon, we may end up hurting each other more...which of course may make it easier to go through with this.

She just can't accept why we're divorcing. She knows we don't seem to work, but why can't we? It may be something she and I have to wonder the rest of our lives.
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Old 10-13-2007, 09:38 AM   #127
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Happy Birthday! I hope you can find some time to celebrate today.
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Old 10-13-2007, 06:53 PM   #128
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Quote:
Originally posted by BEAL
Unfortunately, I have a personality where I want to know what's wrong right now! She is of the mindset where if something is wrong, process it, then move forward. It's a clash of personalities that we have, and one that probably won't go away. I've been told to respect her space when she gets like that, and I don't....because it's just not who I am.
As a side issue, perhaps there is a lesson there for you to learn. If someone asks you to respect their space, you do so, regardless of your wants.

(I'm an introvert by the Myer Briggs definition (someone who recharges by withdrawing from social contact) and the single biggest way to piss me off is to get in my face when I want to retreat. )

And, Happy Birthday. I hope you had a fab day.
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Old 10-13-2007, 07:28 PM   #129
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Beal,
I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you guys. I hope one day that you can find someone that will make you live in "wonder" the rest of your life.

"Wonder" as in wonderful.
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Old 10-15-2007, 04:41 AM   #130
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Quote:
Originally posted by beli


As a side issue, perhaps there is a lesson there for you to learn. If someone asks you to respect their space, you do so, regardless of your wants.

(I'm an introvert by the Myer Briggs definition (someone who recharges by withdrawing from social contact) and the single biggest way to piss me off is to get in my face when I want to retreat. )

And, Happy Birthday. I hope you had a fab day.
Beli, I am trying to email you at your email you gave me a few weeks ago in another thread but it is saying unknown user..

Sorry for hijacking this thread, BEAL
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Old 10-17-2007, 02:28 AM   #131
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Quote:
Originally posted by BEAL
It's a clash of personalities that we have, and one that probably won't go away.
A day or so before you posted this it struck me that it seemed to me you and your wife have a personality conflict. That doesn't sound so hard to overcome, but when you think about it your personality is what makes you "you." So I do agree with you that this personality clash isn't likely to go away. You and your wife just seem to deal with life and all it throws at you in very different ways, and although many successful couples have differing styles when it comes to this, it's pretty clear that your differences are enough to irritate the living crap out of each other.

It probably sounds very trivial to many people, and you probably won't be able to explain to others just why you couldn't make it work, but you both should be happy (generally happy -- not happy happy joy joy all the time) and it's obvious both of you are miserable.

I wish you the best.
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Old 10-17-2007, 01:43 PM   #132
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Yeah. I read or heard somewhere that a couple was discussing their failure, and each one of them had hopes that the other would change, and it didn't happen.

I guess maybe we both wanted/hoped a change would occur in one of us. I would be more willing and accepting of Church, and less involved with sports. I was hoping she would lessen her hatred of sports since she was marrying someone who likes them.

In the end, neither one of us would budge, and really, why should we? The depression she went into didn't help matters, as what would have been probably a 5 minute discussion about golf or sunday service, turned into a 2 day scream fest.

I am afraid that she's going to dip further into depression with this break up. She is such a talented person, which is why her feelings toward herself is so odd and confusing. There is really nothing I can do to help her get out of it. Eventually she'll have to realize those thoughts are not true. Or maybe she won't, and she'll continue to ruin her life.

She's still living with me right now, and I really don't want her to go until she's found the right place.

It's really sad when I think back to March when we got married and now looking at our present situation. I won't dwell too much on it, because I've never been one to worry about the past. It just sucks how we've gotten here.

I've filed the papers, and I'd say we're a week or two at the most away from having it all done (minus the 90 day waiting period). Who knows, maybe in those 90 days something will click on for both of us, but chances are, we'll have moved on to the next part of our lives.
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Old 10-24-2007, 11:14 PM   #133
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man, i'm just now reading this thread

having read the whole thing (and realising a lot of the posts are kinda old now), i can't help but see part of myself in your wife. the way she is acting is a lot like how i acted when i got married. i couldn't hold down a job, dropped out of school, etc. i even stayed up all night watching food network too!

simply reading the posts and going by what i know about myself, it sounds like she's not only depressed but also a bit immature. even though she feels like she should already be married with kids by now because her younger siblings are, it sounds like she wasn't ready. that's my opinion, at least.

in my case, the same thing happened to me that it seems is happening to you guys. we split up, although we did stay together for a bit longer, about three years altogether by the time the divorce was finalised. but we shouldn't have stayed together as long as we did. for us, things weren't working out by the first year and we should've ended it then. luckily for us though, we didn't argue over petty shit like "who gets the sofa?" and just ended it.

i'm a firm believer in people working out problems in relationships, but if there's no fixing the problem or one person doesn't want to do anything, there's no point in staying together.

of course any of this advice (if you can call it that, lol) is coming too late as you guys are already filing for divorce. but i suppose now i'm just wanting to let you know you're doing the right thing. it may not seem like it now, but it is. at this point, she'll either be forced to grow up* or get further into the funk she's in.

good luck

* and by grow up i mean mature, and make some positive strides to getting over the depression. i know it's not that easy as i've been in those shoes, but sitting on a sofa all day doesn't help your depression. at the very least, therapy and medicine will help. but forcing yourself to get out there and socialise with old friends and engage in activities you enjoy will help matters, too. but i do know it's not easy, especially when your body tells you it's so much easier to just sit around the house all day.

and to think, i never read this thread initially because i saw the title and thought "oh well i'm divorced, it's probably nothing i can help with" and never read it.
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Old 10-25-2007, 10:41 AM   #134
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I read through it yesterday, as I hadn't taken a look before. Good luck with everything, BEAL.
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Old 10-25-2007, 01:31 PM   #135
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She moves out next weekend. She initially asked me to help her move, and I told her I'd help her box things up and move things around or move them into the truck, but I don't want to unload them.

She found a "gay" guy who needs a roommate about 20 miles South of where we live now. I stress the "" because I don't know if he really is or not. I don't know if she said that to maybe help with any sort of jealousy I might have. I do know she prefers to live with guys over girls, because of the typical cat fights that can happen.

So next week is going to be brutal. One of my friends has offered to let me stay with him and his wife, as he feels I shouldn't, and don't want to be around her this last week (he has been divorced in the past and said it's not pretty).

problem is I'm on call next week, and I'll need to have access to the computer. Makes things worse is next week is also Month End, so it's even more critical that I respond quickly.

Otherwise, things have been OK. I'm feeling a bit down, but I know that's exactly how I should be feeling. Time heals all wounds right?
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