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Old 09-28-2007, 10:30 AM   #106
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Sorry, man. Good luck.
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Old 09-28-2007, 12:38 PM   #107
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Now my wife wants to work on things.

She just got back from visiting her dad and his reaction was what she thought it would be. That we need to work this out, divorce is not an option *He is divorced, but not by his choice, his wife, my mother in law, wanted the divorce*. He is a hard line baptist, and his faith feels you stick through it.

He does wish we would have sorted some of these issues out before hand, but I am not under the impression that we had these issues during the time leading up to marriage. No where even close.

She told me that when she had to give the reasoning behind the talk of divorce, it felt petty and just plain stupid. She claims other couples have come back from more, and that I need to put in the effort to make it work. She does say she needs to do more too, but ultimately, it's up to me again, as she wants it to work.

When we had our fight this morning, I did say I want things to work, and she told me that I've had two weeks or so (we've been in a funk for that long) to say that, instead I always said I don't know, so forget it.

So she's asking why did I say it this morning. I'm honest, so I told her that I said it because it really looked like she was hurting, and I may have said it to try and make things better, without meaning it.

Of course I want us to work, but it's not working. I told her we need to know when enough is enough. The facts are this: Since we've been married our lives have gotten worse. Since we've gone to counseling, we've made a few improvements here and there, but I would say we are worse...especially considering the present state of things.

She's meeting her mother and siblings for dinner tonight and she plans on telling them as well. Of course she'll get the same treatment from her mom as she did her dad. I just don't like how it appears as though I'm the bad guy. She's telling her family she wants to work things out, and now I'm the guy who's saying no.

The thing is, they don't know what I'm going through. I wonder if they know she's told me 4 times this week we should split up. Only to turn around and change her mind. I wonder if they know all I do at work is sit and stress about everything (I took today off, which is why I'm posting so much). I wonder if they know how it's pretty much a crapshoot every night with how my wife is going to act.

A friend asked me what would it hurt to give it one more try? It would hurt everything. I don't want my wife to be upset, I don't want her to be unhappy, and she is both of these things with me. Since I'm the guy who doesn't want to work on things, then she deserves someone who will.

I'm losing my freaking mind.
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Old 09-28-2007, 12:50 PM   #108
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Quote:
Originally posted by BEAL

I just don't like how it appears as though I'm the bad guy. She's telling her family she wants to work things out, and now I'm the guy who's saying no.

The thing is, they don't know what I'm going through. I wonder if they know she's told me 4 times this week we should split up. Only to turn around and change her mind. I wonder if they know all I do at work is sit and stress about everything (I took today off, which is why I'm posting so much). I wonder if they know how it's pretty much a crapshoot every night with how my wife is going to act.
Send them a link to this thread.
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Old 09-29-2007, 07:23 AM   #109
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Quote:
Originally posted by BEAL

She's meeting her mother and siblings for dinner tonight and she plans on telling them as well. Of course she'll get the same treatment from her mom as she did her dad. I just don't like how it appears as though I'm the bad guy. She's telling her family she wants to work things out, and now I'm the guy who's saying no.

The thing is, they don't know what I'm going through. I wonder if they know she's told me 4 times this week we should split up. Only to turn around and change her mind. I wonder if they know all I do at work is sit and stress about everything (I took today off, which is why I'm posting so much). I wonder if they know how it's pretty much a crapshoot every night with how my wife is going to act.
If you and your wife split up you will be the bad guy to her family and friends. There is virtually no way around it. And you can only make it worse, not better, by trying to explain your side. Almost anything except major physical abuse and infidelity seems petty and something you could work out if you just tried harder when you try to tell people about it. It isn't fair -- it just is.

My advice (and I know it's unsolicited) is to follow my mother's lead and don't discuss the reasons for a separation or divorce with either family. It's between the two of you, not between the two of you and your families. When you allow the families to get involved no one wins and everyone gets hurt. It's hard not to try to explain because everyone wants to know why but overall there will be fewer hurt feelings. Try to make sure the people you do discuss it with also don't discuss it with either family.

If you are able to work through this and continue with your marriage, not having told either family all the unflattering things about each other will prove to be a very wise move. It always seems that family members can hold grudges long after the principals have forgotten them.
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Old 09-29-2007, 11:50 AM   #110
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I'm really sorry you're having to go through this, BEAL.

I was treated a few years ago for a serious bout of depression. The medication gave me some breathing room and some perspective, but I don't think that's ultimately what helped me get through it. What did was having to get on with my life--get out of the house, go to work, keep up with my responsibilities to my friends and family. I'm single, so as much as I wanted to curl up at home and keep the rest of the world away, I couldn't because I had to earn a living.

It seems like your current situation is allowing your wife to be indecisive and to stay home and push others away. It makes sense to me that she's lashing out at you for being away a few evenings a week and for other things. I remember getting into fights with a lot of people I care about because inside I was resenting that they were doing things they enjoyed and being happy when I felt like I couldn't.

I don't feel qualified to offer you any advice, since I've never been married, but I think your wife needs to reach the point that she realizes she does still have the power to make good decisions and that she's stronger than she feels like she is right now and can get back to her life. I don't know what can bring her to that realization. Even you might not know. And as much as you care about her, you have to take care of yourself, too. If her misery is making you miserable, too, it might be good to try some counseling. Maybe an objective but compassionate opinion from a counselor will help you make the right decision about what to do next.
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Old 09-30-2007, 06:11 AM   #111
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Her family are really of no consequence, beal, and shouldn't be something you have to put a lot of thought into right now. Pick your battles here, and just concentrate on this marriage you both sound determined to give up on.

My only advice: be honest and true.
1. Your wife's depression needs attention - divorce or no divorce, with or without you supporting her through it.
2. If you love her, find a solution. Don't quit. Quitting is easy. if you love her, and only you can answer this, then you will find a way to survive it.
3. Get assertive. Get proactive and determined. Get really decisive. And for god's sake, stop the divorce 'threats' with each other.

Really, I reckon you should have some serious time to think about what you want. Then go to her and pledge yourself once more, like you did in your vows. Take her hand and tell her you won't give up, and vow to get through it together. Some how, some way.
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Old 10-02-2007, 02:17 PM   #112
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I just read through all the posts, ans i was thinking, perhaps she feels guilty for making you give up your cats. I mean it was for a valid reason, but still, she may be thinking 'oh i fucked him up with the cats, and changing things' and probably if your honest, im sure you've used the cats thing as a way to show how much you love her 'i gave up my cats for you!' type of arguement, which ties into the 'you made me do something i didn't want to do, but i did it, but im not happy about it'

i think divorcing over this is wrong. Its a bump in the road, you've been married 6 months and she is depressed, which fucks everything. If you break things up into managble parts, i think things could work.

Watch your wedding video together, write a list of 100 things of why you love her, why you wanted her to be your wife forever. Think of the happy times, the times when you felt like you would burst with love - remind her of this time and time again.
DONT give up your time, it will only be used as fodder in arguments, and will definately lead to more resentment of both sides.

I suggest you go away for a week somewhere isolated. You, her, not TV and a freaking week to talk, make love, go for walks, gain that love and attenton back. See each other for what you saw, and fucking try try TRY.

Also, keep going with the medication

If after all that, its still not working, well you've given it a red hot go, and its time to say 'lets split'
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Old 10-03-2007, 10:04 AM   #113
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Too late. We're done. Our counselor said it's really tragic cause she can tell we do love each other, and we're able to get over hurdles....but the speed bumps really throw us off.

I think her talking with her mom and seeing how her sister and husband interact kind of set it in motion for us. She told me she watched her sister and husband argue over something that we would, and they just handled it better.

Personally, her husband is whipped and gets treated like a child, but it's his life. I would agree that they are able to work out their differences, however they do it. We do not. Her mother told her that if the bad outweighs the good, then maybe it's a good idea to split.

My wife feels kind of odd about that since her mom said she made a mistake leaving her husband years ago...yet is telling her to do the same. But we both agree that we're miserable, and we don't know if it'll get better.

So my wife is now looking at apartments and possible roommates because she feels she cannot afford to pay her bills living on her own. I told her that she can stay long enough to get her bank account built up before she moves out. I have no clue if she'll do that our not.

Some of my friends have expressed concern over alimony since she's claiming she can't afford anything, but I'm not too concerned. She didn't quit her job for medical/health reasons, she quit because she wanted to. And she's been depressed in the past and worked at the same time, so it's proven she can do it. Her counselor also feels that she's OK to work.

It all sucks, but it's not like I didn't see it coming. And yes, I probably didn't work hard enough to make it turn out OK. Our counselor proposed a possible Trial Separation, just to see if things could work out. She felt there is probably nothing wrong with waiting to file for divorce if we're not going to fight over anything.

I don't know, part of me just wants this to be over so we can move on. I will miss having my wife around (as odd as that seems from the stuff I've written), but it may be for the best to have our own lives back.
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Old 10-03-2007, 10:10 AM   #114
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Wow, BEAL, I am so sorry. You truly did try to make it work though.
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Old 10-03-2007, 10:22 AM   #115
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Old 10-03-2007, 11:25 AM   #116
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It was both of us. There are things I could have worked on better, and there are things she could have done. The fact that neither of us did them...is a telling story.

Sounds like we can just do a quick file if she doesn't want to fight for anything. We both have separate bank accounts, and we own nothing together.

She's been very mopey the past few days because she feels she can't survive on her 33k a year job. I told her that she could probably look at lowering her IRA payments (250 a month) for the time being to help free up some money.

Thing is, she's never had to live alone. She's always had a roommate, and she is looking at potentially getting another one. I guess it's not really my say on what she does. At the same time I don't want to constantly hear how poor she is going to be.

She quit two jobs that paid her over 40k while we were together. The only reason she quit was she didn't like it. I love my wife, but you can't get a lot of sympathy from me or people who make way less than that to survive.

Her old roommate owns a house now and lives with his sister and I thought he was looking for another roomie. I figure she'll probably go back there.

The tough part is, since we're moving on, I really don't have a say in anything she does. I am going to try really hard to just keep my mouth shut on things and let her do this on her own. She knows I'm here to support her, but I don't want to give the impression that I'm trying to push her out.
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Old 10-03-2007, 12:07 PM   #117
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I've lived on my own (out of parent's house, financially independent) since I started college at 17 and right now I make less than 33k and I support myself, my husband, three cats, a large dog, and student debt in excess of 80K. Will she have to live paycheck to paycheck? Maybe, but that's reality for a lot of people.

I would NOT stick with her simply out of pity or worry about her financial situation. It sounds like she's had no trouble getting jobs that can EASILY support a single person. If she wants a roommate, she can get a roommate. I always had them b/c it made things a lot cheaper.
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Old 10-03-2007, 12:30 PM   #118
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I make even less than Lies and before my fiance moved into my apt, I was paying my own way with bills, rent & student loan debt. check to check was my reality for awhile. I think your wife will be fine financially as she's had higher paying jobs, and with a roommate it will help make things cheaper.

I'm very sorry that this didn't work out Beal
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Old 10-03-2007, 01:40 PM   #119
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Thanks for the kind words.

One of my peeves with her was how she felt she was dirt poor on her salary. It all comes down to self control and that means you can't always buy those pretty shoes you see at target.

I am very fortunate to be making a good salary (80k). It was enough to support both of us which is why we decided it was OK for her to quit her job back in May. God how I wish we didn't do that. One thing that would annoy me is how my wife would make comments about how she'll never make what I do, and she's has spent more time in school and has a higher education than I do. Boo hoo.

She's still applying for other jobs, but most of the nursing jobs around here in Des Moines will pay between 30-45k. She's working at a clinic, and those are usually on the lower end. Maybe something else will come by that will get her a little more money. I wish her the absolute best.


I'm going to be fine though. At least physically. The only debt I have is my mortgage, and you could call that a good debt. Once my wife has moved out my focus is going to be taking care of my mortgage and putting a lot of $ in savings/plans. Probably need a new bed.

Friends have asked if I can get my cats back, but I don't want them. I gave them up, and I would feel bad for taking them away from another home. From what I've heard, they are very very happy. I probably won't get another pet until I can buy my own house. Where I live now doesn't have a basement (condo) and having the kitty litter always out would make for some interesting smells.

There are times where I get a little emotional, but for the most part it is a relief right now. My wife said it best in that it feels like a weight has been lifted off of us. I may or may not go to a therapist to talk a lot of this stuff out. Right now I have my friends and I still have the weather to golf. Once it really hits me that I'm alone is when I'll probably go talk to someone.

Also, I have 10 days until I test for my 2nd degree, so my focus has been on staying fairly healthy in order to pass. The 13th is also my 28th bday. Will have a lot of fun that night!!!
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Old 10-03-2007, 01:42 PM   #120
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Quote:
Originally posted by BEAL
I am very fortunate to be making a good salary (80k).
I'll marry you
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