Question for Married Folks, or anyone with a opinion I guess

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$33K in one city won't go nearly as far as it will in another city, so it can be hard for others to judge how far that will go. However, if she's not in an area that is ridiculously expensive, like NYC, I think she would be fine on that. It will take adjustments to her current spending habits, but she should be able to adjust.

It's nice that you are concerned about her, but I think she will be fine financially.

If my boyfriend and I broke up, and I had to be on my own, my money would be tight...but I know I could manage. Would I be as comfortable as I am now? No. But I'd be okay.
 
To give you an idea, a 1 bed room apartment in a nice part of Des Moines (West Des Moines usually is the "hot spot") will go for around 500-700 bucks a month. That's probably around a 700-900 sq ft apartment.

The place we live in now, is a 2 bedroom townhome/condo with an attached one car garage 1100 sq ft and when I purchased it 5 years ago it was listed at 107k.

That's what I really love about Des Moines, big city salary, with a not so big city living expenses. We may not have the great night life or events of a Chicago/Kansas City, but we have enough. Plus, it's not too far of a drive to the big cities. Probably will be taking more trips once everything is settled. Watch out Las Vegas next year!

If I go before a judge for this divorce, I hope they have common sense like some of the people in here.
 
When I was in grad school, I had a $10,000 a year stipend, plus $8500 a year in loans, and sometimes $2500 from teaching in the summer. I lived modestly but was still able to have little luxuries like Netflix and cable internet. I was able to do that because I have absolutely no debt besides student loans. I never put anything on my credit card I couldn't pay off in two or three months. I also found an apartment that included heat, hot water, and gas.

It's possible to live somewhat comfortably on a modest salary. You just really have to control impulse buying and be okay with not having the newest and fanciest version of everything. I learned how to do my grocery shopping on a budget, stocking up on things when they went on sale or buying cheaper cuts of meat and cooking them in the crockpot. Not making a lot of money actually forced me to become a better cook, because I couldn't afford to eat out very often. I hope I never have to be in that financial situation again, but I'm thankful for it in a way, because it made me more careful with my money.
 
I'm doing OK. Most days better than others.

Guess update:

This coming Tuesday I am meeting with a lawyer to discuss filing for an Uncontested Divorce. My wife and I have both discussed it would be in our best interests to solve this on our own. Neither one of us really wants to spend 10k on lawyer fees to argue over a sofa or any sort of support.

I've told my wife that she can expect me to continue to pay her bills for a little longer while she builds her bank account back up. She is currently looking at apartments and roommates. She said she met with someone last night in regards to a place to stay. Said the gals were very nice, but didn't say anything more than that.

There have been tough days with us still living together, but for the most part, it's just been blah. This week alone she has asked me a few times if we are doing the right thing. I ask her what her thoughts are, and if she's reconsidering, and she just kind of shrugs her shoulders. She says she wants to make sure it is right.

She does say that her feeling that we're better off going forward hasn't changed, but she's really struggling with how we're divorcing over stupid, petty arguments. My response has been yes, it is very tough to understand how we can get past much bigger issues, yet struggle with the small speed bumps.

But the fact of the matter is, we do struggle. We've spent 5 months in counseling and while progress has been made in areas, we continue to get more and more unhappy with each other. Can I see us working, maybe. Can I see us being more miserable, that's a bigger maybe.

She's struggling right now with the fact that she's "starting over". She has to find a place to live, she has to live on a much smaller salary than what she's been used to. Of course, none of those problems are really mine, but I've told her that she is strong enough to get through them. This is why I've decided to help her get back on her feet faster. I'm not doing it to show what a nice guy I am, but out of love and care I have for her.

I think it's natural to have 2nd thoughts going through all of this, but if we both feel it's the right thing to do, it probably is. Sometimes 1st instinct is the best.

Just this past Tuesday night is a prime example of our struggles. I come home from TKD and she's upstairs on the computer crying and moping. I ask her what's wrong, and she says nothing. That's a lie, so I keep pressing. Finally, she blows up and tells me about everything (not like I couldn't figure it out on my own). this causes a big fight between us, and lots of drama that we don't need right now.

Unfortunately, I have a personality where I want to know what's wrong right now! She is of the mindset where if something is wrong, process it, then move forward. It's a clash of personalities that we have, and one that probably won't go away. I've been told to respect her space when she gets like that, and I don't....because it's just not who I am. Naturally, when something upsets me, the whole world hears about it, and she doesn't like that either, because she feels it's a overreaction.

So that's about where we're at right now. We're both going through the motions, and she's taking it the hardest right now....with good reason. I do wonder if she doesn't find a place soon, we may end up hurting each other more...which of course may make it easier to go through with this.

She just can't accept why we're divorcing. She knows we don't seem to work, but why can't we? It may be something she and I have to wonder the rest of our lives.
 
BEAL said:
Unfortunately, I have a personality where I want to know what's wrong right now! She is of the mindset where if something is wrong, process it, then move forward. It's a clash of personalities that we have, and one that probably won't go away. I've been told to respect her space when she gets like that, and I don't....because it's just not who I am.
Click to expand...

As a side issue, perhaps there is a lesson there for you to learn. If someone asks you to respect their space, you do so, regardless of your wants.

(I'm an introvert by the Myer Briggs definition (someone who recharges by withdrawing from social contact) and the single biggest way to piss me off is to get in my face when I want to retreat. )

And, Happy Birthday. I hope you had a fab day.
 
Beal,
I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you guys. I hope one day that you can find someone that will make you live in "wonder" the rest of your life. :hug:

"Wonder" as in wonderful.
 
beli said:


As a side issue, perhaps there is a lesson there for you to learn. If someone asks you to respect their space, you do so, regardless of your wants.

(I'm an introvert by the Myer Briggs definition (someone who recharges by withdrawing from social contact) and the single biggest way to piss me off is to get in my face when I want to retreat. )

And, Happy Birthday. I hope you had a fab day.
Click to expand...

Beli, I am trying to email you at your email you gave me a few weeks ago in another thread but it is saying unknown user..

Sorry for hijacking this thread, BEAL
 
BEAL said:
It's a clash of personalities that we have, and one that probably won't go away.
Click to expand...

A day or so before you posted this it struck me that it seemed to me you and your wife have a personality conflict. That doesn't sound so hard to overcome, but when you think about it your personality is what makes you "you." So I do agree with you that this personality clash isn't likely to go away. You and your wife just seem to deal with life and all it throws at you in very different ways, and although many successful couples have differing styles when it comes to this, it's pretty clear that your differences are enough to irritate the living crap out of each other.

It probably sounds very trivial to many people, and you probably won't be able to explain to others just why you couldn't make it work, but you both should be happy (generally happy -- not happy happy joy joy all the time) and it's obvious both of you are miserable.

I wish you the best.
 
Yeah. I read or heard somewhere that a couple was discussing their failure, and each one of them had hopes that the other would change, and it didn't happen.

I guess maybe we both wanted/hoped a change would occur in one of us. I would be more willing and accepting of Church, and less involved with sports. I was hoping she would lessen her hatred of sports since she was marrying someone who likes them.

In the end, neither one of us would budge, and really, why should we? The depression she went into didn't help matters, as what would have been probably a 5 minute discussion about golf or sunday service, turned into a 2 day scream fest.

I am afraid that she's going to dip further into depression with this break up. She is such a talented person, which is why her feelings toward herself is so odd and confusing. There is really nothing I can do to help her get out of it. Eventually she'll have to realize those thoughts are not true. Or maybe she won't, and she'll continue to ruin her life.

She's still living with me right now, and I really don't want her to go until she's found the right place.

It's really sad when I think back to March when we got married and now looking at our present situation. I won't dwell too much on it, because I've never been one to worry about the past. It just sucks how we've gotten here.

I've filed the papers, and I'd say we're a week or two at the most away from having it all done (minus the 90 day waiting period). Who knows, maybe in those 90 days something will click on for both of us, but chances are, we'll have moved on to the next part of our lives.
 
man, i'm just now reading this thread :ohmy:

having read the whole thing (and realising a lot of the posts are kinda old now), i can't help but see part of myself in your wife. the way she is acting is a lot like how i acted when i got married. i couldn't hold down a job, dropped out of school, etc. i even stayed up all night watching food network too!

simply reading the posts and going by what i know about myself, it sounds like she's not only depressed but also a bit immature. even though she feels like she should already be married with kids by now because her younger siblings are, it sounds like she wasn't ready. that's my opinion, at least.

in my case, the same thing happened to me that it seems is happening to you guys. we split up, although we did stay together for a bit longer, about three years altogether by the time the divorce was finalised. but we shouldn't have stayed together as long as we did. for us, things weren't working out by the first year and we should've ended it then. luckily for us though, we didn't argue over petty shit like "who gets the sofa?" and just ended it.

i'm a firm believer in people working out problems in relationships, but if there's no fixing the problem or one person doesn't want to do anything, there's no point in staying together.

of course any of this advice (if you can call it that, lol) is coming too late as you guys are already filing for divorce. but i suppose now i'm just wanting to let you know you're doing the right thing. it may not seem like it now, but it is. at this point, she'll either be forced to grow up* or get further into the funk she's in.

good luck :)

* and by grow up i mean mature, and make some positive strides to getting over the depression. i know it's not that easy as i've been in those shoes, but sitting on a sofa all day doesn't help your depression. at the very least, therapy and medicine will help. but forcing yourself to get out there and socialise with old friends and engage in activities you enjoy will help matters, too. but i do know it's not easy, especially when your body tells you it's so much easier to just sit around the house all day.

and to think, i never read this thread initially because i saw the title and thought "oh well i'm divorced, it's probably nothing i can help with" and never read it. :lol:
 
She moves out next weekend. She initially asked me to help her move, and I told her I'd help her box things up and move things around or move them into the truck, but I don't want to unload them.

She found a "gay" guy who needs a roommate about 20 miles South of where we live now. I stress the "" because I don't know if he really is or not. I don't know if she said that to maybe help with any sort of jealousy I might have. I do know she prefers to live with guys over girls, because of the typical cat fights that can happen.

So next week is going to be brutal. One of my friends has offered to let me stay with him and his wife, as he feels I shouldn't, and don't want to be around her this last week (he has been divorced in the past and said it's not pretty).

problem is I'm on call next week, and I'll need to have access to the computer. Makes things worse is next week is also Month End, so it's even more critical that I respond quickly.

Otherwise, things have been OK. I'm feeling a bit down, but I know that's exactly how I should be feeling. Time heals all wounds right?
 
^
I'd love 2 tell U it does..... but I recently came 2 understand (4 me at least) that people r like sunsets... what's so beautiful and heartbreaking about a gorgeous sunset is that U'll never c another one like it once it's gone.

God will bring new light in2 Ur life, but those that truly occupy a space in our hearts, that space never really fills again. I've come 2 peace with that, and I told her that that space in my heart will always belong 2 her, even though I may b living the crazy single life that I now do, and no matter who/how/where I end up, I gave that part of me 2 her, and I don't want it back.

But that's just my 2 cents.
 
She ticked me off this morning.

She sent me an email basically kissing my ass, saying that I'm a great guy, I'll be fine, and she hopes we can still be friends.

Then she asks for a favor. One that I can say no if I want to, but she's very concerned about her finances going forward for a while.

She she proposed we switch cars, or I pay off her car for the next year or so.

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She is going to have to learn how to budget her fucking money. She can't just go out and buy new shoes and jackets every week like she's been used to. She's paying her roommate 500, and that includes utilities. She can also lower her monthly IRA contribution as well. Retirement is great, but if you can't live in the present, what does the future well being matter?

I told her I might be willing to give her a couple of months worth. That's it. I can give her 1400 bucks, and then it's up to her to save appropriately.

She's the one who spent 26k for a 14k car by rolling other loans into it. Not my responsibility.
 
BEAL said:


NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Click to expand...

EXACTLY.

Stick to your guns and don't let her guilt or sweet talk you into anything. She will just keep trying to take advantage of you. She's just gonna have to plan and prioritize.
 
Actually, don't give her anything at all. If she can't afford the car, then she shouldn't have it. Tell her to sell it. Why the hell should you give her any money at all? She wanted the car, now she has to suck it up.
 
All of her stuff is now out of my town home. She moved out last weekend. Was a shock when I came home to see basically nothing. I literally just have:

Sofa
Love Seat
2 TVs
PS3
Boflex

And of course the every day things like clothes and bathroom supplies. I guess we didn't throw away all of my dishware, so I do have some pots and pans to use.

So now I need to start looking into a personal computer, and a bed. The computer I'll probably go with something fairly inexpensive. But the bed I want something nice. King sized!

So now if I were to bring anyone home, we'd have to romp on my sofa, which is pretty big btw. It could be done ;)

I am feeling very sad over everything that has happened. I've managed to at least keep these emotions on the inside, until I am alone though. I actually am worried about how my wife will end up. I feel more concern for her than I do myself. I really, really, really want her to be OK. I know it's really not my problem, and never really was my problem, but I guess I care about her too much. Granted not in a way that would make us work as a couple, but as a human being.

I just find it really tragic what she has gone through, and it really bugs me when my parents or other people just tell me she needs to grow up. Everyone reacts differently to life, and it's not fair for anyone else to tell someone how to live.

I hope she finds someone that is actively involved in the church, and that doesn't care for sports. Of course she could still blow that relationship as well. I don't know what the point of this rant is, other than to rant.

I'm lonely, and I'm sad. I need to get things figured out, and whether that means on my own or through professional help I'll do it. I guess I don't know what I want in life, at least from a partner. I love going out, I love a good talk, I love sex, but I don't love being nagged. I want to be left alone to do what I want. So yes, that's selfish and probably will cause most relationships to fail.

I don't even really want to date. I wouldn't mind going out for dinner, or drinks, but I wouldn't want it to go any deeper than that. I wouldn't want to waste the other person's time. Right now, I want to meet women, and whatever happens in that night great.

So that's where I'm at right now. Still filling out paper work for the lawyer, and in January, things should be final.
 
you ever have your other half put 100% of the blame on you? She feels we shouldn't talk right now because we're both trying to get through a tough time, but in the future she would like to be friends.

basically she's going out with an ex b/f of hers, and she doesn't want me to know about it. the only reason i know about it is he had been calling her phone while she was still living with me. I thought that was dirty pool, but it is what it is I guess.

anyway, i've been struggling lately because I don't have a support system. i have a best friend from college, but we have to becareful talking to each other because her husband is jealous, and she fears for her and her kids safety.

that's a story for another time though. my parents have been giving me a hard time, and they keep trying to give me a "chat" about my future. how i need to run things through them from now on.

so i guess the next time i have sex with a chick, i need to call them and ask for permission first. guess it's a good thing they don't know about 2 weeks ago then.

so anyway, i have no one to talk to. i can't get into a therapist for another 3 weeks because of the holidays, and my work schedule. so i'm really hurting. i would like to go out and drink or just get out of the house, but most of my friends are married, and it's very tough for them to get out...especially considering they would be hanging out with a recently divorced 28 year old.

so my wife tells me flat out that this is all happening because i didn't want to work on our marriage. i made the choice to give up, and i have to deal with it now. what's odd is just 2 weeks ago she was telling me how great of a guy I am, and she hopes I don't feel this marriage or relationship was a mistake. So this kind of shocks me. actually really hurts me that i'm the one to blame. yet her demands that i give everything up for the marriage, or the fact that maybe yes i did make the choice, but it was a choice that had to be made for both of our sanity.

so right now i'm going fucking crazy. not in a real bad way i guess, just lots of thoughts processing. i'm starting to question what it is that I want to do with my life going forward.

i'm a database administrator. i make sure the "lights are on". there's only so much fucking tuning you can do to a database. yes, new technology is coming out, and of course business changes about as fast as a new platform or a patch to the OS comes out.

i just don't know if it's me. tough thing, i make a shit load of money, and i don't mean to sound conceited. i'm 28 years old. i have my mortgage as my only debt. and that's usually considered a good debt....since it's equity.

but it really doesn't mean that much to me. only so many argyle sweaters i can buy from bananna republic :) i've thought about law enforcement. i think detective work would be interesting. even regular police work seems kind of cool.

i'm also thinking about the military. it would have nothing to do with serving the country, but rather, serving myself. i've read somewhere that the ultimate test to find out what you're made of is through war. separates the men from the boys. the army rangers is a group that really interests me. so it's probably something i will inquire within the next few weeks.

so yeah, another random post from me. just clearing the air in my head (lots of it). I apologize for spelling and lack of caps in the appropriate places, but i'm typing on a company laptop that is sitting at eye level on my dresser. it's serving as my desk for right now. I just went today and looked at a bed, computer desk, a computer, and a possible dining room table.

although i will admit that my sofa boat is extremely comfy!!!

so yeah. hanging in there. this next week starts a run through the end of the year of having every friday off. so it'll be a nice month and a half of having extended weekends.

if anyone wants to talk over email, you can send stuff to nroberson@fhlbdm.com

again, i usually have free time when i'm watching a performance monitor at work
 
I'm sorry everything sucks right now. I really am.

I really don't think going to war will help anything. Do you know anyone who has ever been in a war and didn't come back more fucked up than ever? I don't.


Please wait until you can get some professional help before you make any drastic decisions. A therapist who has no stake in your life and decisions can help you.

Take care of yourself. And don't let anyone give you any shit. :hug:
 
BEAL said:
that's a story for another time though. my parents have been giving me a hard time, and they keep trying to give me a "chat" about my future. how i need to run things through them from now on.
Click to expand...

Oh yes, because clearly you can't run your own life. You don't have a decent job, you have tons of debt .... oh wait.

I'm sorry, but your parents sound absolutely ridiculous. I hope you laughed in their faces when they told you that.

Sorry ... I'm a little revved up on your behalf on how your parents are treating you like some sort of screw-up rather than trying to give you support you obviously need right now.
 
Everything I've said has been just considerations. Just thoughts, not actions. I just wish I could get in sooner, as I have no one to talk to and get these emotions out.

As for my parents;

they've always tried to control our lives (my brother included). They told me over the phone last week that from now on, I need to listen to people who know what they're talking about, people who give me advice and now i should start to listen to it.

My parents don't mean any harm, they really feel they're doing what's best for me. What they don't understand is that's fine when I'm a kid and teenager. But i'm a man now, and oh what a man too :drool:

Just yesterday I talked to them because my grandma (dad's mom) is going to a home. They asked me if I have gotten a bed yet, and I said no. I went looking, but didn't like the prices. they told me I was looking in the wrong spot, and that next weekend I go with them to look for a bed.

I can chose my own fucking bed. Honestly, I walked out of the store because I get real annoyed by salesmen. there were literally 40 around the bed area and I got tired of saying "just looking". I'll go back during a busier time so there's less of them.

Honestly, what will piss my parents off more than anything is when I tell them "it is what it is" in regards to my marriage. they keep asking if this is the right decision, or if we will be happy. and I say I don't really know, it is what it is. And 1 year from now, who knows how we'll be.

Honestly I think my parents are slightly jealous. It's taken them many, many years to be able to make a decent salary (everything is about $ to them). The 4 of us lived in a 2 bed room apartment, very dinky, for nearly 20 years. we moved to a much bigger townhome, which was perfect for us. It sucked that it took so long, but we have always been fine.

I don't have to worry about anything financially, minus a emergency. Now that I'm single, I can go out and do what I want, when I want. I think they wish they could do that.

I've spoken about my parents in therapy before, and the solution was to start cutting them off about aspects of my life. Just don't inform them of anything. If they keep asking, tell them that it's none of their business. How they react is on them, not me. Case in point, every March is pay raise time. They always ask how much of a raise and bonus I got this year. Why do they need to know, other than to keep taps on what i'm making. I just tell them, I got enough.

Part of the problem lies in that they had horrible credit problems when I was really little. They got through it, but it was very tough. They don't want to see me go through the same thing. That's nice they want a better life, but it should just stay with a wish.

Since my wife and I decided to divorce, I haven't seen my parents. I've talked to them, mainly my mom because she's a huge football fan like me. when the conversation starts to go south, i make sure I have to go.

I know a few people who can relate to this situation, but not many. It's made this time much more difficult for me, because instead of getting support, I get "I told you so Nathaniel!!!"

It'll pass with time. I'm just going to try and focus on enjoying the moments I do get to go out, or the peace and quiet I have at home.
 
I'm sorry your parents are so weird (but ain't they all!).

Good luck with everything - make sure you take care of yourself. :)
 
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