Not Assertive Enough

[Pearl]

I have a problem with being too nice. It makes it difficult for me to assert myself with people, and when I do, I come across as abrasive and bitchy. I can't seem to find middle ground when it comes with dealing with people.

I've always had problems sticking up for myself or telling people off. Lately, I've been getting better at it, but I still have issues. I seem to think if I assert myself with someone and that person gets pissed off, I'm responsible for it. Sounds lame, I know, but its true.

And then, when I realize that I am just too nice with people and I should speak my mind more, I get too aggressive and people think I am attacking them.

Sometimes I can find middle ground with people and defend myself well without any problems. But usually, I cannot. I wish I could go around telling people to go to hell, but that would make me feel too guilty.

Am I just pathetic?

 

[Galeongirl]

You're not pathetic, you're just too nice.

The problem is where you feel that if you get assertive, and someone gets pissed off, you feel responsible. Well, so what? If they get pissed off because you have your own opinion, they are pretty pathetic.

Big thing with being more assertive is to stop caring what other people think with every little thing you do. Sure, you shouldn't be rude and such, but don't be afraid of what people will think of you when you tell them the truth! Once you start being more assertive, it'll be easier for you to dose it nicely and you won't get agressive that much anymore.

 

[ShipOfFools]

I have the problem with being too nice sometimes. I get walked over, because people see the niceness as passivity and think, "Oh, he'll do anything for me..."

I've heard of a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy." I think I might just look into that.

 

[Devlin]

You probably feel responsible for other people's happiness. Naturally, this makes you a bit defensive about saying no. After all, you're responsible for them, right? Their happiness depends on you!

Truthfully, no. No you aren't. Obviously, you don't have to be rude, but there is nothing at all wrong with saying no to something you don't want to do, even if your reason is, "I just don't want to." You don't have to have a reason. You just don't want to. That's fine. You just have to remember that you have a right -- an obligation to yourself -- to tell people no if you don't want to do something.

Their being upset is something they, not you, have to deal with. If they can't, then that, too, is their problem, not yours. Remember that.

 

[UberBeaver]

I have this same problem. I think the trick is to say whatever you have to say with confidence. Too much makes you look like a dick (or a bitch), too little makes you look weak. Not sure how to find that balance, I usually just try to fake it.

 

[Pearl]

Thanks guys for your responses.

I'm actually feeling a bit embarrassed that I put up this thread, but I needed to get it off my chest since its been a problem for a long time.

I think another reason why I have problems asserting myself is because growing up whenever my dad would give me a hard time (as he often did) and I would try to stick up for myself, he would flip out on me. I guess that's where I get the feeling that I am responsible when someone gets angry at me when I assert myself.

I don't find it hard to say no to someone, I just find it hard to tell people off. For example, at work there's this guy who rudely hits on me and I would just love to tell him to fuck off, but I know that's not the answer. I also know I can't be sugary sweet when I tell him to go away. Like UberBeaver said, it's how you say it that counts.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

Don't feel embarrassed, there's no reason to be It's great that you recognize the issue with your father- when you recognize why you can't be assertive that's an important step. My issues with it come from the same place, from family issues.

If a guy keeps rudely hitting on you at work and you can't deal with it then you should talk to someone in the correct position because that can turn into a harassment problem. I would just tell him bluntly that you're not interested and that you want to keep your work and private lives separate. And that the fact that he keeps doing that makes you uncomfortable. If he can't deal with that you're not responsible for that.

 

[Earl-Of-IMDb]

I am working on becoming more assertive myself..i am working on not caring about what people think of me and becoming more vocal when i need to, to speak up when i need to

 

[financeguy]

Well, the best I can come up with is the 'Fake it till you make it' approach.

Fake it till you make it - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[No spoken words]

I have this same problem. I think the trick is to say whatever you have to say with confidence. Too much makes you look like a dick (or a bitch), too little makes you look weak. Not sure how to find that balance, I usually just try to fake it.

Well, the best I can come up with is the 'Fake it till you make it' approach.

Fake it till you make it - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

.

 

[Bonoa]

Well, the best I can come up with is the 'Fake it till you make it' approach.

and the realization that you have the right to exist and say what you want. Eventually people will take you seriously and you'll also find the right balance between being 'too soft' and 'bitchy'. I had to learn that as well.

And realize that there are people who don't accept your vieuws, but you don't have to b friends with everybody!

 

[The Sad Punk]

Yeah, that's good advice too. One thing I learned from a great motivational speaker is that you've always got a forcefield around you, and nothing from the outside matters when you're talking. And forcefields are awesome, so it's not like there's anything wrong with thinking this.

 

[Purplereign]

I have this same problem. I think the trick is to say whatever you have to say with confidence. Too much makes you look like a dick (or a bitch), too little makes you look weak. Not sure how to find that balance, I usually just try to fake it.

Well, the best I can come up with is the 'Fake it till you make it' approach.

Fake it till you make it - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

and the realization that you have the right to exist and say what you want. Eventually people will take you seriously and you'll also find the right balance between being 'too soft' and 'bitchy'. I had to learn that as well.

And realize that there are people who don't accept your vieuws, but you don't have to b friends with everybody!

touche . . . some people are born with that realisation, for others (and I'm putting my hand up here) it can be a continuing work in progress . . . also, as dreary and cliched as it may sound . . . getting older can sometimes be your best friend . . . it wasn't really till I was about 35 and had 3 little people to protect and nuture that I truly started to *get it* . . .you just get to a point where you really do start to understand exactly what's been expressed by Bonoa, FinanceGuy and UberBeaver . . . hope you're feeling stronger

Yeah, that's good advice too. One thing I learned from a great motivational speaker is that you've always got a forcefield around you, and nothing from the outside matters when you're talking. And forcefields are awesome, so it's not like there's anything wrong with thinking this.

I this . . . and I'm so gonna use this analogy for my kids


fantastic topic btw

 

[Achtung11]

See sometimes I have problems with being assertive also. My issue is that when someone asks me for a favor, I can't seem to decipher between whether I'll be a pushover by going out of my way to help them, or will I be an asshole for not helping them. Obviously you can't be a doormat and do every favor that's asked of you, but at the same time you can't reject them all either, or else you'll find yourself with no friends - since you wouldn't be considered a "friend in need".

Know what I'm saying? What does everyone think of this?

 

[cobl04]

Fake it till you make it - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

and the realization that you have the right to exist and say what you want.

which was sort of the premise of Yes Man. something i will try to take on board.

I can't seem to decipher between whether I'll be a pushover by going out of my way to help them, or will I be an asshole for not helping them.
Know what I'm saying? What does everyone think of this?

i know where you're coming from. i have the problem of, "i don't mind doing this... does it make me a bitch? am i being used?"

 

[Achtung11]

I've always had problems with not being assertive enough my whole life. There's one specific situation in which I felt I was taken advantage of, which happened a year ago that I would really like to talk out with someone. But my friend who I had this problem with also is a U2 fan, so I don't want to post it here just in case he comes across it some day. So is there anyone here who's good at being/knowing when to be assertive whom I can talk to about this in private? I'd really appreciate it.

 

[Achtung11]

I've always had problems with not being assertive enough my whole life. There's one specific situation in which I felt I was taken advantage of, which happened a year ago that I would really like to talk out with someone. But my friend who I had this problem with also is a U2 fan, so I don't want to post it here just in case he comes across it some day. So is there anyone here who's good at being/knowing when to be assertive whom I can talk to about this in private? I'd really appreciate it.

Anyone?

Actually, my bad memory has to do with a U2 show, so some of you may be able to understand why I feel terrible about it.

 

[indigo tree]

I don't know how to be assertive without thinking I am coming across as a bitch myself. I harbor too much guilt that I am being mean or whatever when I speak my mind. I am a shy person so when I find myself in an argument, I think I get too touchy or whatever, because I know I have not honed my speaking/argumentative skills. This became very evident in an incident that I had with a relative just last week in which I had a screaming match with. Screaming is not me. I am usually very passive and complacent. We reserved people need to learn how to get our feelings out more often or that is what results!

Hopefully there is someone here who can help you Achtung11.

 

[Achtung11]

I don't know how to be assertive without thinking I am coming across as a bitch myself. I harbor too much guilt that I am being mean or whatever when I speak my mind. I am a shy person so when I find myself in an argument, I think I get too touchy or whatever, because I know I have not honed my speaking/argumentative skills. This became very evident in an incident that I had with a relative just last week in which I had a screaming match with. Screaming is not me. I am usually very passive and complacent. We reserved people need to learn how to get our feelings out more often or that is what results!

Hopefully there is someone here who can help you Achtung11.

Thanks indigo tree

And I know exactly what you're talking about. You want to be assertive, but whenever you try to stick up for yourself, you end up doing so in a not so nice way. The same thing happens to me sometimes. I've spent a good deal of time researching the subject and I've come to some conclusions which hopefully will help you.

When speaking up for yourself, refer more to yourself rather then the person you are talking to. It comes off as less aggressive. For example, use "I" more than "you" in the conversation. For instance, if you share an apartment with a roomate, and he/she keeps turning down the heat but it makes you cold, you can say something like:

"Do you mind if we keep the heat a little higher, because I've been feeling very cold?"

Instead of:

"Can you not keep turning the heat down, since I'm cold."

This is just a basic example, but I hope you get the gist of it. If you speak in reference to yourself, people shouldn't get offended because you're not criticizing them as much as you are protecting your own well being. If they do get offended then its their problem and you shouldn't worry about being a bitch. Hope it helps.