My roommate is engaged

[cdisantis83]

My roommate recently proposed to his long-time girlfriend. My fear is that he did not do this because of any sincere desire to get engaged, but rather because both his girlfriend and her family cajoled him into doing so. I also believe that he fears that he cannot do any better (although he certainly can). On top of this, she is domineering and exploitative, and in general has not a single redeeming quality. Although this does not really affect me in any way, it is depressing to watch a friend willingly jump into his own grave. Has anyone ever observed a similar situation?

 

[Bonochick]

I knew that my best friend was marrying a guy who was awful, and I felt like she was doing it because she didn't think enough of herself to realize she deserved so much better. There was no way I was going to try to talk her out of marrying him though. I felt that by doing that, I'd be risking our friendship. All I could do was stand by her, be her friend, and show support....before the marriage, during the marriage...and during the divorce. I know it's frustrating, but sometimes there just isn't a whole lot you can do.

 

[Liesje]

I've seen this so many times. I went to a small college, mostly populated with students from small, religious (pretty conservative) communities where it's considered heretical not to at least be engaged by age 21. I got engaged my senior year at age 21 and a lot of people considered that "taking my time" (I'd known my now-husband for three years).

If someone gets engaged and I don't think it's a good idea, I try to keep my mouth shut unless my opinion is asked. Sometimes it's hard, but I try. I've always believe that part of a long-term relationship is growing to love each other. You know how a lot of couples say looking back, they aren't even sure they were in love to begin with, but are now? That kind of thing. Sounds all mushy, but when it comes to other people's personal relationships, I try not to mettle and give them the benefit of the doubt. Now, if one of the partners is abusive, or I know s/he cheats all the time or has some incurable STD s/he won't disclose to his/her partner, then I'd speak up.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

Yep, and there is really nothing you can do. People don't want to hear about it, they want to see what they see and be blind to what they don't see. Unfortunately sometimes people have to learn hard lessons. If someone is going to make a decision to take the serious step of getting married/engaged because others want them to, how are you ever going to be able to get them to think about it for themselves? It ain't gonna happen, sorry to say.

The best you can do is be there for him as a supportive friend when he needs it, and don't say "I told you so".

 

[Techie2000]

Similar situation with my roommate, though he isn't planning to pop the question for another year or so, but he is planning on it. I've talked to him about it, and I honestly believe she abuses him, but there is nothing I can really do. I just keep in mind that when I want to date people, that I won't just get into a relationship for the sake of a relationship, that its better to wait to find someone "good" then settle for someone.

 

[cdisantis83]

It's slightly perplexing, as I had spoken to him about it earlier (in a very diplomatic fashion), advising him to make sure that, if he gets engaged to her, he ought to do it on his own terms. At that point, he claimed to agree enthuiastically, and commented that he did not appreciate the cajoling from her family; a week or two later, he had bought the ring. "What about our conversation?," I asked him. "Oh, I did wait a little while." I meant he ought to wait six months or a year, not a few weeks!

 

[Chizip]

This sounds a lot like the movie Saving Silverman. The way they saved their friend in the movie was to kidnap the bitchy girlfriend, and then introduce him to a hot nun. This plan almost blew up at the end, but they kidnapped Neil Diamond to save the day.

So you might want to look into that. Good luck

 

[Angela Harlem]

Yeah, or play Barry down the phone to her until she runs away. Apparently that cures a few problems, too!



Good luck to your mate, though.

 

[Got Philk?]

I can remember my mom saying to me after Lies and I had been together for 2 years, "You know, there comes a point where you either shit, or get off the pot."

I also remember saying, "mom, i'll do it when I want to." But see, I knew Lies would say "no" if I asked her while she was in school. Or, I'd have to be engaged for like 2-3 years...so, I waited.

It's tough sometimes with the expectations or persuasions of others. Maybe he was ready though. Regardless, good luck with it all.

 

[UberBeaver]

Yeah, or play Barry down the phone to her until she runs away. Apparently that cures a few problems, too!

Yup - excellent idea. If you play Barry and she's a "runner", clearly she's not a "keeper". When I tested my wife turned out she was a "Is that...is that Barry Manilow?...Oh Jesus." Best reaction there is cause you don't want a Fanilow, they're just insane.

 

[UberBeaver]

I can remember my mom saying to me after Lies and I had been together for 2 years, "You know, there comes a point where you either shit, or get off the pot."

It's so weird how everyone is different. I dated my wife for 3 years before we got engaged and everyone thought we were "rushing in".

How old is your roomate? It's possible that this might be just some kids in love kind of thing. Maybe it'll fizzle. Have you tried telling him his fiance is no good? I think it'd be ok to let your feelings known.

 

[U2Girl416]

I don't think I would voice my opinions unless asked or unless I was prepared to deal with the backlash of my words. I think the best thing to do is to be a friend, and be there if and when this goes wrong. I think your friend would remember that more than if you were unsupportive from the get go. I don't think there is an easy solution in this situation. similarly, I have a married friend here and work who soon discovered that her husband is not who she thought he was when they married, and she was ready to leave him last year and get a divorce. I supported her decision. then they reconciled, or he said the right words, and the next week they were together again. I did not support that decision, but I kept my mouth shut. and now she is about 4 months pregnant with their second child...and realizing AGAIN what an ass her husband is.

what do you say to that?

 

[verte76]

I've seen people plunge into disastrous marriages........there's not a heck of alot you can do about it.

 

[cdisantis83]

Have you tried telling him his fiance is no good? I think it'd be ok to let your feelings known.

I have never explicitly denounced her in front of him, although I have told him on many occasions that it might be beneficial for him to assert himself a little more in the relationship. She is the type that is brazen and self-righteous for the sake of concealing her own sense of inadequacy, and so it would seem to me that she would never leave him, regardless of what he did. However, he is submissive to the point that he would probably stay married to her forever, regardless of how miserable he may become, simply owing to his dedication to ultraconservative ideals. So pronounced is this senseless devotion that I have never heard him utter a single word that even hinted at any level of imperfection in her. I suspect that she could proclaim that 2+2=5 (and she has said things approaching this level of inanity), and he would still defend the statement. I suppose that some people are simply content to stare at the sun, if you will.

 

[dazzlingamy]

Slippery slope my friend. When it comes to relationships, you can never be truly, brutally honest, because love is blind, it also rules over anything else in life, and nothing you do or say will counteract her hold over him (be it fannystruck as you will)

just be there, bite your lip, and get ready to bite it again when they break up and you desperately want to say 'i told you so'

you gotta be the support not the opinion

 

[starsgoblue]

It stinks but sometimes you have to let people you care about make thier own mistakes. If it makes you feel any better I don't like my best friends choice of husband either...


When it comes down to it, do you feel close enough to your roomate that you would stand by him and remain his friend even though you feel he's making a mistake? If yes, then be there...through thick and thin. There may be a time when the favor needs to be reciprocated.

 

[redhotswami]

i dunno...personally, i'd wanna know if i was about to make a lifelong commitment to a jerkoff. my best friend and i have an agreement that if either of us starts dating someone that we know is wrong for us, then we are OBLIGATED to slap the other, and wake them up to the truth.

but, i'm that close with my best friend. we've been tight for years now, and i trust her opinion always before anyone elses. i'd rather my friends be honest with me, especially because i know that they know me very well, and would only be thinking of my best interests.

 

[starsgoblue]

I see what your saying rehotswami, but there is a point too where there really isn't much you can say anymore. My BF knew since practically day 1 I didn't like her boyfriend and by the time they got married...well it was just at that point where I had long ago said my peace and I'm there for her no matter what.

 

[Bonochick]

i dunno...personally, i'd wanna know if i was about to make a lifelong commitment to a jerkoff. my best friend and i have an agreement that if either of us starts dating someone that we know is wrong for us, then we are OBLIGATED to slap the other, and wake them up to the truth.

Easier said than done. The expression "blinded by love" comes into play. I think of my dad as a best friend, and I trust and greatly value his opinion...but when I was dating this guy that my dad said was a jerk and mean to me, I refused to hear any of it. Of course, he was right.

 

[redhotswami]

hmm interesting to hear these perspectives. i haven't had a conflict b/w my bff and bf before...yet...

i'm not saying it isn't possible or anything...i'm just saying how it has worked out for me.

 

[cdisantis83]

These are all very interesting perspectives. I fear that I might find myself in the same situation in the near future with my sister and her boyfriend. I suppose that I would only voice my concerns strongly in the case of family, and a few very close friends that I consider to be family. My roommate is a friend but not an exceptionally close one, and so it would probably not help anything to openly criticize his fiance. It is certainly a slippery slope; I just don't enjoy seeing well-meaning people exploited.

 

[redhotswami]

It is a tough call. Good luck to you though. Noone likes to see loved ones go through that kind of mess.

It is difficult to know when and if you should say something. Like you've seen, there are all sorts of perspectives. As a family member or a friend, I really would appreciate honesty, and would like to know if the guy I was dating was a jerk. As much as I believe in myself, I know that there are certain people in my life whose opinions I really value, because I have called upon them to help me through tough situations in my life. I, personally, wouldn't see it as any different.

But, as others have pointed out, sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. Hopefully thing will work out the best for your friend in the end.