My Parents' Marriage

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Pearl

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I am reluctant to post this because its personal and I don't want to reveal too much but I gotta speak out somehow.

My parents have been married for 42 years. Sounds like an accomplishment but its really nothing to be proud of because it hasn't been a happy marriage. It's mainly my dad's fault. He's verbally and emotionally abusive, controlling, possessive and manipulative - especially with my mom who lets him walk all over her. She's aware that he does those things to her, but either blames herself for his behavior or makes excuses or makes lame comebacks.

It really saddens me to hear or see my mom blame herself or make excuses. She taught me and my sisters not to let a man hurt us, yet she allows my dad to hurt her. Why can't she walk the walk?

My parents just got back from a vacation and it was a lousy one. They are barely talking now and my mom is pissed off because of how my dad controlled her and insulted her during those two weeks. But the sad thing is she won't do anything. She'll stay mad for a few more days then shrug it off and act like nothing happened.

Its moments like this that I wish I could talk my mother into throwing my dad out of the house. But she won't. I suspect she stays married out of fear of being alone.

I don't necessarily live with my parents. My house is a two family with an apartment on the lower level and I live there. So, I have my own space in the house. But I hear them argue a lot. The other day they woke me up they were screaming so loud.

This has been going on for years, but it has gotten worse over the last 5 years. I do not look to my parents' marriage as a model for any relationship I get into. There's nothing there to admire.

OK, I got this off my chest. If anyone has any ideas on how to cope with this, feel free to let me know.
 
So sorry Pearl.:hug: I am a child of divorce, so I can relate to how horrible it is to hear and see your parents fight. I have posted in the love thread today that a friend of mine just walked out of an abusive marrige, but it took her a while. I am guessing that the fear of being alone is worse in your mom's mind then the abuse she puts up with. All you can do is be there for her, and hope she gets the courage to walk away. Thinking of you!:hug::hug::hug:
 
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: I'm sorry that you are going through this. When I lived at home and heard my parents fight, I just put my headphones on, blasted my music, shut my eyes and would dream I was somewhere else.
 
:hug::hug::hug: Very sorry to hear about your situation Pearl. After reading your post I can see so many aspects of my own parents relationship in your story. Unfortunately in my case my parents separated a few weeks ago after 20 years together in what could only be described as an unhappy marriage. It has been incredibley tough, but I know mum needed to get away from it all. It's difficult to give any type of advice about how to cope - I just tried to immerse myself in uni and work and spending time with my friends to keep my mind off things.
I hope you and your family find some peace :hug:
 
Sorry to hear about your parents. Has therapy ever been an option for your Mom? Maybe a different perspective from a non biased person could provide your mother with a better insight on more effectively dealing with your father.
 
Pearl, the best advice I can give is to let your mom know you don't approve of your dad's behaviour, that you're there for her no matter what she chooses to do, and that you support her. Let her know if she wants to talk/vent, etc, you'll listen. And then as hard as it may be...unless she comes to you, stay out of it.

They've been married for a long time, and while they're your parents, they also exist as a couple besides that, outside of the realm of being parents, I mean. You're an adult now, and whatever happens in their marriage, as long as it's not abusive an no one's being harmed, it's not really your business (that probably sounds harsher than it's intended, but do you know what I mean?). The patterns of their behaviour and their way of relating to each other are probably very ingrained, and unless one of them really does want to change things (unlikely, from what you've said) there's really nothing you can do about it. And, you're at an age now where their behaviour toward each other really doesn't have to affect you at all. You can move out, get out of the house when they're fighting, etc. You have more options than a small child would.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think stressing about changing them is probably futile and will just make you feel worse and more powerless. It's probably best accept that they're not going to change, go about your own life, and leave them to theirs. Good luck.
 
She did mention that her father was being verbally and emotionally ABUSIVE to her mother, so she IS being harmed.

Yes, but that doesn't mean she is in immediate harm, the way one would be with physical abuse. Also, although she says it's gotten worse in recent years, it sounds like it's basically the way they've always related.

Older people often have ways of relating to each other that can leave people outside of the relationship dumbfounded, but it works for them.
 
Yes, but that doesn't mean she is in immediate harm, the way one would be with physical abuse. Also, although she says it's gotten worse in recent years, it sounds like it's basically the way they've always related.

Older people often have ways of relating to each other that can leave people outside of the relationship dumbfounded, but it works for them.

True, but it is still abuse and shouldn't be completely disregarded.


By the way, I agree with you. She should (if she hasn't already) let her mother know that she supports her.
 
True, but it is still abuse and shouldn't be completely disregarded.


By the way, I agree with you. She should (if she hasn't already) let her mother know that she supports her.

When habits are as ingrained as these sound like they are, there's very little you can do to change them, unless one of the couple genuinely wants to change. Not to be Debby Downer here, but I doubt this is the case after all this time. I'm sure her mom has been aware for many years what is going on - she said herself that her mom is pissed off and not talking to him, and that it'll last for a few more days, so it sounds like a scene that's been played out before - so, I'm suggesting to Pearl that beyond offering support, there's not much she can do, and that stressing about it will just make her feel worse.

And some parents may resent their children from interjecting themselves and their expectations for behaviour into the parents' marriage. It's an area where you have to tread carefully, that's all.
 
Thanks everyone for your responses.

VP, I know there is little I can do but it just upsets me to see my mom being treated this way by my dad. Sometimes I wonder if things would get worse because they have been in recent years.
 
I can't really add a thing of value here as it's all been said, beautifully, by those who posted above; but I just wanted to send you a couple of these :hug: :hug: :hug: and a few rainbows as well.

Sending good thoughts your way :) I hope it all works out for your family Pearl . . . and your Mum is really lucky to have you there for her :up:
 
Thanks everyone for your responses.

VP, I know there is little I can do but it just upsets me to see my mom being treated this way by my dad. Sometimes I wonder if things would get worse because they have been in recent years.

The only other thing I'd add is if your dad really has gotten noticeably worse over the past few years with your mom, and if his bad behaviour carries over into situations and with people other than your mom, maybe there's some medical cause, and an evaluation by a doctor might be in order. But again, unless he's seriously incompetent, that's nearly impossible to make happen, unless it's something he agrees to.
 
This sounds quite a bit like my parents, when I was growing up. Ah hell, it sounds like them now too, even though my dad doesn't live here anymore.

As for dealing with it now, I'll be honest, when I was a kid I dealt with it by eating, which for many many reasons I would never suggest someone do!!
Now I do my best to just ignore it, and when I can't escape it, working out is the best thing I've found.
 
I know exactly how you feel Pearl, my parents have been married for about that long and it's been a very unhappy and unhealthy marriage. My mother finally looked into getting divorced about ten years ago but financially it would not have been good for her and she fears that more than being alone.

It's been so tough emotionally for me, form the time I was very young to now. And it has definitely soured me on marriage.

The truth is, and I've told her so, my mother married way beneath herself and deserves so much better. I wish I knew what to tell you but all I can do is empathize.
 
The only other thing I'd add is if your dad really has gotten noticeably worse over the past few years with your mom, and if his bad behaviour carries over into situations and with people other than your mom, maybe there's some medical cause, and an evaluation by a doctor might be in order. But again, unless he's seriously incompetent, that's nearly impossible to make happen, unless it's something he agrees to.

My dad is often rude to others, whether relatives or strangers. He's been a bully to me and my sisters all of our lives. I highly doubt there's a medical cause because my dad has been like this for as long as I can remember. The reason why its gotten worse is that my sisters and I are out of the house, so my dad bullies my mother since there's no one else around.

It's been so tough emotionally for me, form the time I was very young to now. And it has definitely soured me on marriage.

Honestly, my dad has soured me on guys in general. I seem to also attract guys like him. I really do fear relationships because I fear the guy being manipulative, controlling, etc. Sometimes I get into ones where the guy and I do nothing but compete on who can be the more domineering. Its not healthy, I know. I wonder if I'll ever have a healthy relationship.
 
Pearl, I'm definitely sorry to hear about your family situation. I hate to sound like a broken record, but has anyone in your family sought professional help?
 
Let's just say I'm the only one wiling to admit there's a problem.
 
Let's just say I'm the only one wiling to admit there's a problem.

Well then perhaps you might have to set an example for the others. Sounds like you want to have a healthy relationship with a man down the road. Maybe a professional could help steer you in that direction. Therapy can be fun. You get to vent for an hour straight to a stranger. You definitely feel better afterward. :wink:

I suppose admitting there's a problem is the first step in a better direction. :up:
 
You get to vent for an hour straight to a stranger.

Haven't I been doing that with this thread? :giggle: ;)

No really, thanks to you and to everyone else for your kind words. Its nice to know that I am not alone.
 
No really, thanks to you and to everyone else for your kind words. Its nice to know that I am not alone.


You're welcome! I've been fortunate. My parents have been together for nearly 50 years. They've had a pretty good marriage. They've definitely had their share of arguments and the occasional tussle or two, but they also have a deep love for each other. I can remember back in the pre cell phone days, if my mother and father got into an argument, my dad would leave the house for many hours. He'd clear his head and chill out. Then he'd make his way home later and the next day everything would be cool. He chose to leave because he didn't want to say anything hurtful to her in the heat of battle. It seems to have worked for him, but I can't say if it works for everyone.


On the flip side, I've also, unfortunately, witnessed families like yours where there always seemed to be a conflict between the parents and it sucked to watch. My ex-fiancee's parents used to say all sorts of wacky shit to each other. At the dinner table no less with a room full of kids and grandkids.
 
My dad is often rude to others, whether relatives or strangers. He's been a bully to me and my sisters all of our lives. I highly doubt there's a medical cause because my dad has been like this for as long as I can remember. The reason why its gotten worse is that my sisters and I are out of the house, so my dad bullies my mother since there's no one else around.

So sorry you were raised in that sort of environment. :( If you can't get through to your mom, the best you can do is to concentrate on doing whatever it takes to create and maintain your own sense of well being, even if it means getting away from that house, somehow.
 
I may be in the minority but I'd cut him off from my life and even cut her off if she won't accept your help in getting help for herself and starting her own life. Their marriage has destroyed your lives and now is destroying yours and that is not fair.
 
I may be in the minority but I'd cut him off from my life and even cut her off if she won't accept your help in getting help for herself and starting her own life. Their marriage has destroyed your lives and now is destroying yours and that is not fair.

I was thinking along those same lines.

You can't fix other people or make them want to take your help. And there comes a time when you have to let go and detach yourself from the situation for you own sanity.

Always keep this in mind Pearl: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't change it. You can offer your support when or if your mother is ever ready to make a change but until she is, there is nothing else you can do.
 
You can't fix other people or make them want to take your help. And there comes a time when you have to let go and detach yourself from the situation for you own sanity.

Yes. Not that it's easy, but you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else.
 
I was thinking along those same lines.

You can't fix other people or make them want to take your help. And there comes a time when you have to let go and detach yourself from the situation for you own sanity.

Always keep this in mind Pearl: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't change it. You can offer your support when or if your mother is ever ready to make a change but until she is, there is nothing else you can do.

I don't think I'm wishing I could change my mother or my father. Maybe I am to some degree.

I am unfortunately in not the financial situation to move away from them, but believe me, when the time comes, I am out of here.

As for completely cutting them off, that would be hard because if I did, I know my sisters would be in my face about it.
 
I don't think I'm wishing I could change my mother or my father. Maybe I am to some degree.

I am unfortunately in not the financial situation to move away from them, but believe me, when the time comes, I am out of here.

As for completely cutting them off, that would be hard because if I did, I know my sisters would be in my face about it.

I didn't suggest you wanted to change either one of your parents, I said you can't change "it" meaning their relationship with each other. :wink: And detaching doesn't necessarily mean cutting either one of them off completely. It means not letting yourself feeling responsible for your mom's happiness or unhappiness, not obsessing over why she won't leave or your dad's behavior toward her. Those are things you can't change or control. I know it's hard, believe me. But the best thing you can do for yourself is live your own life and let them live theirs. :hug:
 
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