My own point

[A_Wanderer]

My first ever one of these, I have hit rock bottom and had an epiphany. This is not a cry for help or a call for sympathy, this is my own position as it is and nothing more.

In my last years of high school my sister sank into a very serious depression and level of mental illness, I mean in hospital for months on end serious. I did in many ways have to pick up a good deal of slack around the household, cooking, cleaning etc. this in itself was the right thing to do. Anyhow I suspect in order to deal with some of the more messed up events that were going on I shut down emotionally. I didn't go out, I didn't socialise and focused on tasks at hand, school and study. As far as formitive processes go this may well be the single bigest factor on who I am ~ I rely on myself and myself alone, but inside my heart is aching for more.

I finished school fine got into university, my sister has gotten better to a point of normality but emotionally I was still cold. Then I met a girl, started to express myself more ~ things were looking up and I loved her, but that invariably ended and that just cut into me. Since then for the last year or so when I start drinking my controls lower a bit and those emotions start rising up, so I drink more and more to try and make them go away. It does not happen a lot but when I don't keep this in check I found out that I just loose it.

Over the weekend I was invited over to an aqquaintences house for a bit of a get together. I started drinking and by the end of the evening I had consumed a six pack and half a bottle of scotch. I must state that do not binge by nature and this is the first time that it has occured. I crossed the line and I behaved dishonourably, ultimately ending with me leaving most of my meals and drink in and around the lavatory.

It has really cut into me, that I disrespected my host so and made such a contemptable fool out of myself. It sickens me that . I work so hard to better myself, and then all that work just gets wasted ~ literally.

I just feel that whenever I am on the brink of finding hapiness, of achieving what I have been working towards I am subverted and deep down it is me, a self-fufiling prophesy that I will never let myself get what I want.

I love life there is no dark depression over my head, emotionally I bottle but that is just who I am ~ reserved would be the term. So I keep going, but as always I go on alone and just cannot engage with anyone on a deeper level. I can hang out with people but I let friendships die. I never let myself get close ~ and being there waiting in the wings ensures that I am always the one left standing alone.

God help the beast in me.

So I have gotten to a point where I have had a moment of clarity, I woke up this morning an looked in the mirror and saw exactly where I have gotten to. I have nobody; I want make a connection. I think that the only way that I can do this is to cease my ruinous behaviour. I know I have the will and drive, I turned a corner that night. I must make up for what I did and must redouble my efforts to get what I need.

 

[the soul waits]

Thank you for sharing...isn't life interesting, tiring, amazing, brilliant, a pain in the ass, difficult etc..?
Moments like these are key moments. I see them as a blessing. Very confrontational but yes, a turning point, as you said.
I know you aren't looking for advice, but I just feel like saying one thing : go a bit easy on yourself, you're very clever to see what's there and to want to move forward and grow.
Good luck!

 

[carrieluvv]

yes...good luck indeed.....keep your eyes on the awakening.
you will hit some bumps in the road but you can take it
let yourself be pulled into relationships and then ask yourself what you honestly feel...

you have the biggest brain methinks and you analyze alot...
i always feel better after a good walk....im able to clear my head...i think you need to clear your head too

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I think maybe when people have a family situation like that, they grow up to be perfectionists and are far too hard on themselves. Maybe you are too, and you should go a bit easier on yourself and cut yourself a bit of slack.

You know what you are unhappy about and what you want to change, that's half the battle. Good luck

I know what you mean about being reserved, part of it I think is a means of protection. Honestly I've lost patience for people who don't/can't understand that. I understand though that people can only have so much patience w/ it. Sometimes I think it's easier and more pleasant to be a "loner" as lonely as that gets.

 

[For Honor]

A_Wanderer, you remind me of myself a little bit.

In a technical way, I have a simialar situation, where there is a family situation, and because of my methods of dealing with it, I shut myself off/out.

Yet I still want to be close to people, altough I can't right now. (...)

I think that the only way that I can do this is to cease my ruinous behaviour. I know I have the will and drive, I turned a corner that night. I must make up for what I did and must redouble my efforts to get what I need.

Don't get the feeling that you must work extra hard to obtain something, thuogh. I did that for a while, and that made it worse.

Sometimes the biggest change is just perspective and internal mechanisms. I know it's sort of standard info, but, when you change how you think, it affects how you act. Just like how you act effects how you think.


With patience and effort, how you think and act will be two entities working toward the same goal.


I've always been about personal progress, even though I'm basically a kid, but I'm proud of what I've accomplished. BUt I've still got a long way to go. There is always more to do, something to refine. And that's part of it all.


It's a tremendous learning experience, or at least I try to see it that way.





-----------


As far as being a loner goes, I have more "friends" this year than ever before. But at the same time, I am more distant and detached. I believe this is because I've improved socially, yet things outside of my control still hold sway. But also, I've realized that I'm just different from most people. I'm not better or worse, I just don't fit in with the group of people that are traditionally supposed to be my closest friends - the people my age at school, etc. My age peers.

But if you look close enough at what kind of people you get along with, you'll learn how to find these people more and more frequently.


One thing I always think about is how much of it is my own doings, and how much of it is "the other person(s)" doings...


but I'm reallly going off on a tangent now

 

[Macfistowannabe]

Your post hits home for me on a number of levels, hopefully you will find a way to cope.

 

[u2granny]

I hope you find a way out of this. It sounds like you're on the right track.

 

[U2democrat]

You're a brilliant, wonderful guy. You will pull through.

 

[the soul waits]

What/how are you thinking/feeling about all this today, A_Wanderer?

 

[A_Wanderer]

I am feeling that I know exactly where I stand, I turned a corner that night ~ and now regardless of how much I have to work to make things right I have purpose and position.

 

[coemgen]

Wow A_wanderer, thanks for sharing all that. I know it takes a lot to open up like that. (I myself, am usually an introvert too so I feel your pain.)
It's no secret how cool of a guy you are for pinch-hitting for your sister back in the day. That alone is commendable and show's your true character. Also, I know what it's like to have someone close to you going through a depression. Both my eldest sister and my wife went through serious stuff. I kind of did too during high school and part of college. My sister used to cut herself, then my wife tried to commit suicide. My sister's crap occurred when I was in high school/early college. I at times felt very lonely and stranded during those times though. Both are doing very well now, but they went through some personal hells to get to the peace they're at now. I think it's like that for most, if not all of us, to some degree. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to even have the epiphany. I like to call it the point where God wakes me up. (He seems to have to do that a lot with me.) Brokenness can be the most beautiful place to be sometimes because it means you can 'begin again' as Bono says. Don't be too hard on yourself for where you're at or what took place the other night. Be hard on yourself if you don't learn or grow from it — which you're already doing.
Just remember, it's a hard life to get through on your own — especially for introverts. The thing that helped me the most during my own dark times and when I went through dark times with others, was just crying out to God. I would encourage you to do the same. And I'm not saying that so you'll be "converted" or whatever, but simply because I know it works. You're a child of God like the rest of us and he likes hearing from us all from time to time. He has a purpose for you. Don't redouble your efforts to get what you need, just ask for it. Be still. Listen.
I also found that writing things out in a journal is a great way for an introvert to get feelings out. It's easier to see where you're at when things are in front of you, rather than inside of you. By the way, there's no beast in you — you're just human, man.

I'm praying for you. Keep us posted.

coemgen.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

that was beautiful coemgen, very good advice

 

[A_Wanderer]

I think as I mentioned once you know where you stand and everything becomes clearer you have purpose; that is how I am feeling now, and it is not just the superficial type of elation that one gets from time to time that wears off the next day, it is deeper down ~ it is a conviction for lack of a better description, right in there. knowing where I am and where I want to be puts me in my element. If I allow myself to loose that then I get detatched, from myself from who I am and I make mistakes, now I can accept making mistakes but I cannot accept it when I try to be something I am not ~ it only ends in badness.

This event for instance, I lost sight of my goal, I lost focus ~ and in the process I let myself down in my studies (I did not prepare for the mid-semester Greek exam which I probably failed ~ I can accept that and I will not torture myself over that, it was only worth 25% and I can regain my marks by preparing for the end of semester exam ~ all is not lost and I have no intention of loosing hope, plus I really exelled in my geology and biology assesments).

I am often hard on myself but that is because I find that it pays off, I am stronger, smarter and better off because of it. I know what it is like when I skirt through life ambivilent and waiting for things to fall into my lap, I get soft and always loose out ~ it happened to me before and I have overcome it. What I am hitting at is that people do need courage and drive to get through life - I think that some find it in God, and I have no animosity towards religious folk or their beliefs. I personally find it in the struggle, it is the acts of kindness, doing the right thing and love that keep me going, those raw emotions have such a transformational power about them - that is where I have and do find the strength to keep going ~ and even when all seems lost I keep going.

But bloody hell three days since and my face still feels a bit numb, that is really a feeling (or lack thereof) that I do not want to be feeling again. I think that I will abstain from alcohol for the next good long while, I really learned a lesson that I won't soon forget ~ no matter how responsible or composed you are sober you are 10 drinks from being a contemptable fool. Also I learned that cheap scotch is atrociously bad. Oh and now that episode of Black Books where Bernard gets blanked after the dinner party is immensely more funny ~ I mean after all I made it to the bathroom and I didn't make the wicker chair mistake

 

[A_Wanderer]

I am not looking to make myself or find definition, you cannot truly create character overnight it is built and shaped by circumstance and how we face what is thrown at us. I am who I am, and just because I may change over time it doesn't make it any less the case now. I have been there for others and I have protected them, and that is not a burden, it is a part of who I am.

I am reserved, but perhaps that should not be mistaken for hiding away, it is who I am. Likewise I can keep good company, I can connect on that level with many. The issue of not making the deeper connection may have more to do with what it is that I look for on a romantic level, the superficial is what creates lust but that in itself is not love, love and passion is what I am talking about and those two are deeper still. Going by my own experiences those relationships are rarer ones that involve much investment and sacrifice from both involved.

I have enough self awareness to know who I am and I am comfortable enough with that to be able to be myself with those that I love, the issue in my last relationship was that while I loved her she could not love me as much, our parting was a mutual decision and I hold no bitterness. No matter how you cut it to love and to be loved is the greatest feeling one can be afforded in this world and for all the pain it causes at times it makes fools of us all because we keep coming back for more.

 

[U2democrat]

you're a good guy.

 

[melon]

School sucks, first off. It's too transitional, and, chances are, most, if not all, of the people you know now, you'll never see again after you graduate. School is important, yes, but the pressures to "perform" usually mean you end up ignoring your own personal development in the process.

Get through school somehow. It won't be easy, but do well and get through it. And think about yourself and what would make you happy. If that involves moving hundreds or thousands of miles away, then do it while you're young.

Looking for love usually means one thing: you won't find it. It comes when you least suspect it, and you're better off living your life the way you want to in the meantime.

And dump the alcohol. You're clearly drinking it for the wrong reasons. You're treating it like a drug; stop medicating yourself with it. If need be, talk to a psychologist.

Melon

 

[A_Wanderer]

Yeah, I agree with the above points although school doesn't suck, I quite enjoy it.

 

[U2democrat]

nerd!



its ok, i'm a nerd too.

 

[Macfistowannabe]

Looking for love usually means one thing: you won't find it. It comes when you least suspect it, and you're better off living your life the way you want to in the meantime.

Bingo.