My Nephew Has Severe Egg/Peanut Allergies

[JCOSTER]

Ok so heres the story: My 3 1/2 year old nephew has life threatening egg/peanut allergies.

Now everytime we have a family gathering that consists of about 20 people, I try to make special precautions like cutting out food labels and buying food that contains no egg/peanut or that was processed in a plant that contained the two. I even shampoo my carpets just incase there is any residue on the floor. I make sure that I have things that he can eat and his parents bring food for him as well. In the past, I have made announcements reminding people that he has the allergy and even stopped his own grandmother from giving him the wrong food.

My brother in law approached my husband and myself and said that he didn't think that we do enough to protect his child from having a severe reaction to the food we put out. I really don't know what else we can do, if my child wants an ice cream cake for his birthday I have to say no because the cake is made where peanuts are. That just doesn't seem right.

My kids have friends with allergies and the mother hands me the eppy pen and snacks for her kid. So I am trusted by others who are in the same situation.

On the other hand my brother in law and sis in law let this kid run ramped and unattended through my house, allowing him to do things my kids were never allowed to do.

I feel very hurt because I love my nephew and nieces very much and to be told that I didn't care was extremely hurtful.

If they were that worried about him picking up something to eat that he shouldn't, shouldn't they be more on top of him to make sure he is safe?

Please tell me what you think? thanks

 

[indra]

Unless he's in your care it's the child's parents responsibility to make sure he doesn't eat things he shouldn't, not yours. Seems to me you are doing plenty.

 

[BonoIsMyMuse]

This is a very good creative nonfiction piece written by a woman whose little girl has similar allergies. It was published in the most recent issue of Harpur Palate, a national literary journal. The last five or six pages talk a lot about what the parents are doing to protect their daughter. It's a long piece but a good read.

http://harpurpalate.binghamton.edu/62/christman.pdf

It's ridiculous that you're being accused of not doing enough. As long as you're announcing his allergy and providing food at family gatherings that your nephew can safely eat, you're doing plenty. It's not like your entire extended family should never eat eggs or peanuts again. What else do they expect you to do? If they're that worried, tell them to make sure you have an EpiPen at your house.

If they're so worried about his well-being, they should be being more careful to keep an eye on him when there's food out, and frankly I wouldn't hesitate to tell them that. It may cause an argument now, but in the long run maybe it will help them better understand what they need to do to keep their son healthy and safe.

 

[Liesje]

Sounds unfair to me. If you were say, a grandmother who watched the kid several times per week than maybe they should be as critical, but you go out of your way to include him in YOUR kids' activities. And it sounds like you're already doing more than most people would think of. Obviously you can't possible know as much about his condition as they do, so I don't think it's unreasonable for them to expect to bring along his own foods.

 

[Angela Harlem]

Vigilence is something that will send you all a little mad if you let it. I agee with what everyone else has said by reminding them that they need to be the primary carer and that his running rampant around your house is unwelcome. I have a penicillin allergy and recently got a script from a doctor which landed me in hospital because one of the 3 antibiotics was a penicillin afterall. This was from a doctor of all people.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

I agree with what the others have said. You're bending over backwards, which is very good of you, but his parents are the ones who need to keep the eye out at all times.

Good luck.

 

[Lila64]

Unless he's in your care it's the child's parents responsibility to make sure he doesn't eat things he shouldn't, not yours. Seems to me you are doing plenty.

I agree with indra and the others. It sounds like you are doing everything you can. What the heck else are these parents asking for?

 

[JCOSTER]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate all of your input and makes me feel alot better too!

And Bonoismymuse I will definately read that article thank you so much.

Angela Harlem, I too have a penicillin allergy and I have to remind the doctors constantly.

 

[anitram]

He has egg anaphylaxis? Really? I've never heard of that, although I know people who are pretty allergic to eggs. That's really difficult to regulate, especially later when you start going to restaurants and so on.

Sometimes people freak out when their child is young and diagnosed and learn to relax a little bit as time goes on. Maybe that will happen and they'll see that you're being careful and vigilant, to your best abilities.

 

[JCOSTER]

Thanks

 

[redhotswami]

JC you are such a caring person. It is great you are doing your best to be inclusive. Ultimately, like everyone else has said, his parents are responsible, and they should know that he has a great aunt!

 

[yolland]

I can understand why they're paranoid; peanut allergies are often much more severe then other types of food allergies and for many who have them, no ingestion is necessary to cause a severe or even fatal reaction--kissing someone who's eaten peanuts recently, bread buttered with a knife previously used to spread PB, or handling toys recently handled by children with peanut residue on their hands could also do the trick. Even just being in the same room with an open jar of PB can cause (milder) breathing problems for some. Still, it's not the right of the parents to demand anyone else make the kinds of expensive and time-consuming adjustments that they would to ensure total safety. I had dairy anaphylaxis as a kid, still do to some degree (although that one's an ingestion problem only) and while my parents always asked about what was to be served if I spent the night at a friend's house, and offered to send suitable food along with me, they would never have criticized anyone for failing to provide a complete dairy-free meal for me; if it had come down to that for some reason, they would've just kept me at home instead. It's a little stickier when you're dealing with family, though.

 

[JCOSTER]

Thanks for your support guys, it really means alot.

 

[Bonochick]

I agree with everybody.

 

[sami0201]

I'm deadly allergic to peanuts and all other nuts (almonds, pecans, etc). I don't think there is any more you can do, that's what my aunt and uncle do for me whenever I go stay with them. If it's my cousins birthday, they will be sure to have another dessert that I can eat but my cousins can have ice cream cake if they want it. Eggs must be very very hard though. But it really is a very scary thing to live with allergies like this and especially for the parents. I can understand why they are nervous (mine were very overprotective when I was younger too) but what else can you do?? My mom just would never let me eat anything made in a bakery or anything and always read the boxes of packaged foods I ate. When I was little there were only a few friends houses I was allowed to go to (where she knew and trusted the families very well) because you just never know. Things that you would never even THINK of can contain nuts. I was at my grandparents house the other day and my grandma made me a sandwich on white bread but I read the bag of bread before I ate it and what do you know, "made in a factory that also processes peanuts and tree nuts". Even my own mother has missed it once and fed me nuts!! Once you get older you can't trust anyone but yourself about these kinds of things. People don't understand how serious and deadly it is.

 

[JCOSTER]

Sami, I'm sorry that you have to go through life with this nerve racking allergie.

I do understand how serious it is though and as I said I try and make alternatives where I can, and I really don't want the responsibility of having to read the labels God forbid I should miss something and he goes into shock. The whole thing is very hurtful to suggest I don't care.

But on the other side I was thinking...they have 2 cats, I am highly allergic to cats to the point that if it even touches me I break out in hives and if I touch my eyes they also swell and break out in hives which gives me an asthma attack. I never ask them to remove their cats.

 

[sami0201]

Yeah I know. There's nothing more you can do, if they are that worried about him than they should watch him more carefully. I don't blame you for not wanting that responsibility. They should just be thankful for what you are doing, and I'm sorry that they hurt you by saying that. Obviously you care a lot and you're doing more than any other person who's house they would bring their son to would do. They can't expect you to change your whole household, just like you don't expect them to remove their cats!

 

[Liesje]

But on the other side I was thinking...they have 2 cats, I am highly allergic to cats to the point that if it even touches me I break out in hives and if I touch my eyes they also swell and break out in hives which gives me an asthma attack. I never ask them to remove their cats.

Yeah that kinda puts a whole new spin on things, doesn't it? Sounds like they are just being overprotective to the point where they're not observant enough to notice everything you HAVE done (and everything they have not).

I have three cats in a small apartment, so I always ask company if they are allergic, or even if they don't like cats. If so, I put them away and will vacuum and move the blankets they lay on.

 

[BonosBaby12]

JC I have to agree with what everyone else said also You really are making quite an effort to watch out for your nephew. Never doubt that you are a great aunt because you are!

However it does come down to that his parent's need to be more watchful of him. Perhaps part of their reaction is fear for their son because of his severe allergies. This doesn't entitle your brother in law though to have said what he did to you.

 

[JCOSTER]

 

[Mr. Green Eyes]

JC, it seems to me that you are doing a wonderful job!! I mean doing all of that stuff for your nephew, you are a great aunt. Never doubt yourself. You are putting 110% effort into helping your nephew.

 

[JCOSTER]

Thank you.

 

[Utoo]

I agree with everyone else. You're doing all you can--and because you're a nice person. You could say 'forget it' and not invite him. Honestly, that's pretty much the option they should be given right now---I say tell them you're already going to great lengths and it's now their choice of either being responsible parents and actually watching over their kid, or simply don't come. You've done your part to make sure the child can be included. It would now be their fault if they set such unnecessary expectations that keep him from being included.

 

[U2Kitten]

My daughter's lifelong best friend has a deadly peanut allergy, and we have never done anything special for her other than making sure she was never given any peanuts. She's eaten hot dogs out of buns that sat next to peanuts on the shelf. I used to tell my kids not to eat peanut butter around her, but she said it doesn't hurt her as long as it's not her eating it. These people sound very overly scared, and in time they might just 'loosen up' when they see he's not going to drop dead eating a cake from the same kitchen with a bag of peanuts.

I can understand their worry, but not their rudeness to you.

 

[Liesje]

These people sound very overly scared, and in time they might just 'loosen up' when they see he's not going to drop dead eating a cake from the same kitchen with a bag of peanuts.

Depending on the severity, many can. Lots of people have a peanut allergy such that they will go into anaphylactic shock from being exposed to peanuts, peanut oil, or something that touched these two things just sitting out in the open air.

 

[U2Kitten]

Well if it's that bad I really wouldn't want such a child in my house. I'd be afraid of getting sued if they blamed me. I have enough to drive myself nuts over. I'd just have to see the kid somewhere else. Just like if somebody is allergic to cats, they know not to come to my house.

Some kids do 'grow out of' these allergies, or they get less severe over time. You can't be sure though, I'd be afraid to take a chance.

I shouldn't even say this, but the other day my daughter was so mad at her friend she said she was going to put a peanut in her tuna sandwich Of course she wouldn't really do it.

 

[JCOSTER]

I agree with you, I don't want to split the family up its small enough. Even though my kids know he is allergic, they still want what they want even if he can't have it. But I explain to them they just have to wait until he leaves.

Thanks