My first confession

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HeartlandGirl

Rock n' Roll Doggie ALL ACCESS
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It feels weird to be blurting this out for the whole world to see, but I'm confused folks. My husband and I are thinking of having children, but I am very, very afraid of the entire prospect.

When we got married, neither of us wanted children but understood that over time, the topic could reopen for discussion. A few months ago, I was sitting in my pick-up when it hit me: now would be a great time for us to have a child, if we want to. I went home and immediately brought it up. Financial situation is pretty good, living arrangement is good, marriage going well--no technical reasons why we shouldn't bring a child into the world. So I buy a baby book to learn more about the whole process and talk to a select number of friends and relatives, just wanting to hear their advice and experiences. I go to the doctor and get the physical go-ahead. I start taking the vitamins and tracking my ovulation...

And then I freaked out.

I've always been of the opinion that you don't need a spouse and children to live a fulfilling life. I worked very hard to get a master's degree and a decent job, accomplishing all that I set out to do, while I watched my friends have children. In my perception, their sense of self disappeared as they became more and more overcome by the task of childrearing. Most of them left school and/or left their chosen professions after having children. And now I'm afraid that somehow, if I have a child, I will lose my sense of self too, that I won't be able to recognize myself.

I have lots of concerns that are undoubtedly selfish and immature. I fear that I won't have time for the many things I enjoy doing (yoga class, Latin and Greek translation groups, meditating, reading, playing video games and guitar, etc.). I fear that I won't have anything else to talk about. My biggest fear is that I'll regret it and resent the child. One woman jokingly said, "Oh yeah, you'll regret it all the time!"

My biggest issue with the whole thing is that I am the only person I know who has struggled so much with this decision. The past week has been especially difficult to take. My cousin had her second child on Monday--her only difficulty is deciding whether to have three or four. And then, I find out that my sister-in-law is pregnant. Just a few months ago, she and I were bonding over the fact that we were both apprehensive about having children. A few months later, she's made her decision and gone through with it.

Bottom line is that I'm feeling like a total reject. Why does this have to be so difficult for me? Most of the women I know, especially my friends and family who are close to me in age, have "just always known" that they've wanted kids. Why can't I just "know" too? Why do I have to be the freak that has to actually think about it and analyze it to death and agonize over it and post about it on the Internet?! Some have told me that to have reservations is natural and healthy. Others have rather bluntly said, If you're not one hundred percent sure, you never will be and you should just forget about it. They make me feel as though I am not a good woman if I don't just love children and yearn to have a few of my own. Not to mention my feeling of being a bad wife, now that my husband is gung-ho about the whole thing.

Any thoughts? Whatever you think, though, please be kind, as I am really torn up about this.
 
this is tough. as a mother myself, it would be easy for me to tell you about every joy of being a parent. i could tell you how wonderful it is to watch a child grow. i could try to describe the feelings that come with motherhood. i could tell you about seeing your child's sleepy eyes in the morning, about smelling their warm, freshly washed skin. i could try to explain what it feels like for your daughter to throw her arms around your neck and slide a tiny wet kiss across your cheek, about being the center of a child's world.

but then, i would have to tell you about the agony of being a parent as well. the worry...is she safe? is she warm? have i done the right thing? i would have to tell you about watching the evening news and realizing that this is your child's world, her future to fix. i would have to explain that yes, your life now belongs to your child. that there will be time for yourself, but it will be reduced to a few precious moments in between messy faces, screaming fits and band-aids.

and i would also have to tell you that there is nothing more fulfilling in the entire world than being a mother.
 
bonosgirl84 said:

and i would also have to tell you that there is nothing more fulfilling in the entire world than being a mother.

It's a strange saying, but I recently read in a magazine that children are the orgasm of life...you never know how wonderful it is until you have one of your own.

I guess it's that leap of faith, that having to take everyone else's word for it about how fulfilling it is, that's got me stuck.
 
Rest assured you are not the only one who has struggled to make a decision! It is a huge change in your life to have a child, and I understand completely why you are apprehensive. It is such a scary thought to imagine yourself being totally responsible for this tiny human being!

You are not selfish. If you feel that having a child would make you unhappy because you would have to give up what you enjoy, then that child will suffer also from having a depressed mother. You want to be the best mother you can be, but everyone needs a little "me" time alone!

I don't think your sense of self disappears when you have a child. If anything you become more aware of it because you are a model for your kids, and they see you as the most important person in their lives. Your life just takes on a different dimension, that's all. You don't lose all the things about that made you special before.

In the end it is your and you husband's decision. I would hate for anyone to regret having a child, but then I would also hate anyone to regret not having a child. I'm sorry I can be of more help to you! :hug: for you as you make this choice.
 
I think it's great that you're really soul-searching this decision. Too many people automatically have kids without giving it much thought. I've always known that I did not want kids and I have never regretted not having them. I disagree with the statement that there is nothing more fulfilling in the world than being a mother--if that were true, then everyone who isn't a mother (either through choice or inability, and that includes men) aren't able to be as fulfilled as those with kids and I just don't believe that. Who is to say what's 'the most' fulfilling thing in the world? For me, it's my spiritual path; for another it's their children; for others, a meaningful career. When I see friends with kids, I don't envy them; I'm relieved that I knew myself well enough to know it wasn't the right thing for me.

So, there's another point of view. I just know that you and your husband willl make the right decision. Sounds like you just need more time--and you're young, you have plenty.

:hug:
 
heartlandgirl, I read your post , but have just used up my net time( it is winter here, short daylight hours)I would like to proffer my thoughts perhaps, but this topic deserves a good answer.

One brief thing,
you have always struck me as a sensitive, intelligent, positive person. I am pleased to read you have a happy life and good friends and family around you. I feel whatever you decide, it will be right.
Don't let anyone make you feel like you are not a good woman. There are as many ways to live a good life as there are people on this planet. There are also many ways to love and be involved with children. There are thousands of children who could do with someone like you to love them. You are being sensible to give such a committment a lot of thought. But never feel what you do is wrong.
As I said, you have always seemed a truly good person to me.Best wishes:hug:
 
joyfulgirl said:
I think it's great that you're really soul-searching this decision. Too many people automatically have kids without giving it much thought. I've always known that I did not want kids and I have never regretted not having them. I disagree with the statement that there is nothing more fulfilling in the world than being a mother--if that were true, then everyone who isn't a mother (either through choice or inability, and that includes men) aren't able to be as fulfilled as those with kids and I just don't believe that. Who is to say what's 'the most' fulfilling thing in the world? For me, it's my spiritual path; for another it's their children; for others, a meaningful career. When I see friends with kids, I don't envy them; I'm relieved that I knew myself well enough to know it wasn't the right thing for me.

So, there's another point of view. I just know that you and your husband willl make the right decision. Sounds like you just need more time--and you're young, you have plenty.

:hug:

What she said. Every single word.

I've known since I was a teenager that I wasn't going to have children. I don't want them. Ever. I AM selfish. I like my time to be my own. You won't have time for the things that you like to do. Some women are willing to give that up. I'm not.

I also see the reverse of this; I see parents who resent their children for taking their time and lives from them. It's not good.

Think it through. You are not less of a woman if you don't bear children.
 
joyfulgirl said:
I think it's great that you're really soul-searching this decision. Too many people automatically have kids without giving it much thought. I've always known that I did not want kids and I have never regretted not having them. I disagree with the statement that there is nothing more fulfilling in the world than being a mother--if that were true, then everyone who isn't a mother (either through choice or inability, and that includes men) aren't able to be as fulfilled as those with kids and I just don't believe that. Who is to say what's 'the most' fulfilling thing in the world? For me, it's my spiritual path; for another it's their children; for others, a meaningful career. When I see friends with kids, I don't envy them; I'm relieved that I knew myself well enough to know it wasn't the right thing for me.

So, there's another point of view. I just know that you and your husband willl make the right decision. Sounds like you just need more time--and you're young, you have plenty.

:hug:


This is truly truly how I feel too. I've always known I didn't want kids - and now, at 25, I find myself surrounded with a burgeoning baby boom all around me - and what do I care about? My career, my happiness, my passions, my life. I end up feeling immature, that somehow, I should be able to accept that you just have children when you become a certain age - that that is the norm. Well, it is the norm bc it is so easy to spot the people with kids then the people without kids. I'm one of those happily without kids, and also happily partnered, not married.

Heartland Girl, you are a very wise, mature person to question what is right for you. Having children is a noble undertaking, but not something everyone has to do, or should do. Having a career and contributing to society in that fashion is my "orgasm of life" and I am utterly fulfilled - I honestly couldn't imagine my life any other way. Hang in there. I always believed you shouldn't do something until you are sure you want to, and you are ready. It kinds sounds like you aren't completely either.


:hug:
 
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martha said:


What she said. Every single word.

I've known since I was a teenager that I wasn't going to have children. I don't want them. Ever. I AM selfish. I like my time to be my own. You won't have time for the things that you like to do. Some women are willing to give that up. I'm not.

I also see the reverse of this; I see parents who resent their children for taking their time and lives from them. It's not good.

Think it through. You are not less of a woman if you don't bear children.


Amen! And I don't think you are one bit selfish, either. I've never understood how not being a parent makes one selfish.
 
Motherhood is not for everyone and you absolutely don't need children to have a happy, fulfilled life. And you should never, ever have a baby because everyone around is and you feel like a reject :hug:

Take your time and think it through...once you're there, there's no going back!

Motherhood has been a bumpy road for me...happiness beyond measure 90% of the time, confusion, uncertainty and sadness the rest. I've done a lot of second guessing over the years about whether I've raised them right and prepared them for the ugly world I brought them into. They are my joy and I wouldn't trade them for anything but there are honestly times when I've wanted to give up. :|
 
BAW is right on the money:yes:

I think everyone here knows my story, so I'll just type a little here.

My pregnancy wasn't planned, and I had no desire to have children at all. When I found out I was pregnant, I was scared shitless. And to this day, I'm still frightened that something I'll do or say will have a huge negative impact on my daughter in the long run. Everyday is a learning experience. Sometimes my attitude is that I only get one shot to make an everlasting impression on my daughter in what I do or say when it comes to right or wrong. It certainly is a rollercoaster. I spend every waking moment with Daisy when she's not in school or with her father on weekends.

I don't regret having my baby. She's the best thing that happened to me.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision:)
 
Thanks to everyone for your kind words of support and encouragement. And thanks for all the hugs. :) :hug:

I go see a counselor about once a month. It's not that I'm suffering from any severe mental anguish--I just go for mental floss and to rap about anything that's bothering me. So I discussed the whole issue with her today, and basically, she says that having a child is a very important decision, but it is not the decision to end all decisions. People have kids and don't have kids every day. :) Basically, you weigh your options and feelings, go with your gut instinct, and make your decision the right one, whichever way you go. No need to make extreme comparisons or worry about what other people are thinking or worry about all the worst case scenarios. You deal with that stuff later, if it even comes up at all.

For reasons I won't go into here (that's another confession!), I have major control issues and suffer from panic disorder, which I've learned to deal with in counseling. This all plays into my baby decision in that I am wanting a guarantee that if I have a child, everything will be okay. The last thing I want to feel is that the situation is out of control. But as my counselor said, there is no guarantee. So many things in life (getting married, moving, having kids, switching jobs) are leaps of faith. At the end of the day, you have to figure out what you really want and take the plunge.

I understand those of you who say that you never want children. I felt that way adamantly for a very long time, and perhaps the "loss of self" I fear is already occurring, because the HeartlandGirl who wants a child is not the person I've been for the past 25 years. That feels so strange that I almost can't comprehend it. But sure enough, this new dimension of myself wants to experience the excitement and joy and agony of having my own family. I never thought I would feel that way, and surely my freaking out is a rebellion against that. Until recently, I was so focused on my goals, such as getting my degrees and landing my dream job. When I had done all this, I kind of felt...so that's all there is? That's not to say that focusing on your career or other pursuits cannot be fulfilling. My career and all that is great, but I think I've got the capabilities to keep expanding my life and do other things too. Whether this means having kids or not, I don't know. I do know deep down somewhere that your life doesn't have to stop if you have kids (although some people I know have certainly let theirs). Should I get the itch to get a PhD or become a yoga instructor or anything else of the sort, it can be done. It will just be more challenging.

Bottom line: I think I'll just sit tight for a short period of time, anywhere from a month or two to a year. For personal reasons, I'd rather not wait too long. Right now, I feel that I am more apt to regret not having a child than having one. I'll just hang out, meditate, do the things I love to do, talk with my husband, and see what shakes out. If I get comfortable with the idea of having a child, great. If that comfort seems elusive for too long, I'll just get another pug. :D Just kidding!

Thanks for listening to me. Typing all this out has really helped me get a handle on what I'm really feeling. And thanks for saying nice things about me. :) It helps to hear that people believe in you. My husband also enjoyed reading and thinking about what you all wrote.

By the way, I hope no one thought I wanted to have kids because "everyone else was doing it." If that were the case, I'd have wanted to have kids ten years ago! It's just that my family's recent births and pregnancies have made me feel like I must be the only one who can't make this decision.
 
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HeartlandGirl said:
Bottom line: I think I'll just sit tight for a short period of time, anywhere from a month or two to a year. For personal reasons, I'd rather not wait too long. Right now, I feel that I am more apt to regret not having a child than having one. I'll just hang out, meditate, do the things I love to do, talk with my husband, and see what shakes out. If I get comfortable with the idea of having a child, great. If that comfort seems elusive for too long, I'll just get another pug. :D Just kidding!

Sounds good. :up:
 
:hug:

I really don't know what to say. But since a kid I've always said I didnt' want any children. I still feel the same way today. I agree with what joyfulgirl said. You don't have to have children to have a fullfilled life. All my highschool friends (except for like 3) have children already! I don't envy them at all. I love children.... I will evntually go into a career that I will be working with children but I still don't say to myself.. " I want to have a child one day." Who knows maybe I'll change my mind one day. But the most important thing for me right now is to be happy.
 
"mental floss" :laugh: I've never heard that one before!

HG, I have actually had a couple of posts about this very same subject. My problem is, I don't have a gut feeling at all. I have been thinking about this until my head feels like exploding and I feel NOTHING.

You at least have come to a decision, you are so lucky!

I on the other hand am probably running out of time biologically, and I am rigid with fear that I am going to regret my decision either way. Nothing about screaming, crying children throwing tantrums at malls and in restaurants seems like life's orgasm to me. Every comment I hear is "Oh, you'll never get any sleep, you'll never travel again, you'll never have any time to yourself again, you will live vicariously through your child and you won't care about yourself any more....it's so WONDERFUL!!"

:huh:

It sounds like total hell to me! I too feel this utter frustration to the point of crying wondering what on earth is the matter with me and why I don't want to suddenly end my life as I know it...and the rest of the time I feel like joyful and Martha.

I admire you for figuring it out HG....I wish I had the same fortitude. :sigh:
 
Mrs. Edge,

I've always enjoyed reading your posts, and I do remember at least one on this topic. I hope I've not been misleading, but I certainly have not figured things out entirely yet! I've just made the decision to make the decision within a year or so. :huh:

I think we should start a support group for people who can't decide whether or not they want kids. I completely understanding being paralyzed with fear, especially that either way you'll regret it. And yes, people with kids (some, not all) enjoy scaring non-mothers by talking about all the horrors and then saying that it's the best thing in the world.

Anyway, even though I've figured out some of the reasons why I'm waffling on the subject, my mind changes about every 30 seconds. It is not fun. I have no idea what my husband and I are going to do.

If you ever want to chat about it or just vent, feel free to send me an e-mail. You're honestly the only other person I've even "known" who was unsure and confused like I am. But whatever happens, I'm sure we'll both be fine. :hug: Take care!

P.S. Too bad we can't both just date the Edge and be done with it all. :hmm: :lmao:
 
HeartlandGirl said:
Mrs. Edge,
I hope I've not been misleading, but I certainly have not figured things out entirely yet! I've just made the decision to make the decision within a year or so. :huh:

Oh I know you haven't really decided, but you are an awful lot further along than me. You know that you are more apt to regret not having a child than having one...which is much further along than me!

I think we should start a support group for people who can't decide whether or not they want kids.

I was thinking the exact same thing! It would be really helpful. You are the only other person I know who is going through this, everyone else has made a firm decision one way or the other.

If you ever want to chat about it or just vent, feel free to send me an e-mail. You're honestly the only other person I've even "known" who was unsure and confused like I am. But whatever happens, I'm sure we'll both be fine. :hug: Take care!

I will probably take you up on it. There are certain topics that worry me to the extent that I cry myself to sleep, and this is one of them. It would be helpful to talk about it.

P.S. Too bad we can't both just date the Edge and be done with it all. :hmm: :lmao:

Ooooh, that would make life so much easier! Then again, Edge would probably want children! :lmao:
 
Alright then, a support group is definitely in order. We can be co-presidents, especially since we seem to be the only members!

Seriously, though, I know I'd feel a little less like a reject if I could talk to a like-minded person about this. Like I said, I've spent my fair share of time agonizing over this, crying, being mad at myself, and feeling like jumping out a window. Here's my e-mail address:

babyswan11@hotmail.com

I also have MSN messenger. Right now, even though I'm no longer in the throes of last week's "everyone knows but me" crisis, I still have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about what to do. We should definitely chat. I'm sure it would make for an interesting dialogue.
 
I was thinking about the two of you this evening. I realized that only two people in my circle of close friends have children. The rest of us don't. It's not a large circle, maybe fifteen people, but most of the them are over 35 and childless and happy.

I dunno what this means; just that the two of you were on my mind.

:hug:
 
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