My dad thinks I'm fat and lazy!

[Giant Lemon]

First off, I'm not sure if this is in the right forum- I wasn't sure where to post it, so I picked here. Mods, feel free to move this! And also, this will probably be kinda long, but I really needed to get it off my chest. Even if no one reads this, it's still therapeutic for me to write.

Anyway, my dad has a history of making comments about how I am fat and lazy. This goes back all the way to when I was 13 (I'm almost 20 now). There are some specific incidents that I remember; here they are:

• When I was 13, my brother and I got those personal pan pizzas from Pizza Hut. I ate all of mine, and my brother didn't, and my dad made some nasty comment about how if I kept on eating like that I'd get fat and that my brother should be the one to eat a lot, not me.
• My family always hosts Christmas at our house, so we usually have lots of leftovers. Well, a couple of days after Christmas, I was eating a piece of leftover mint pie or something, and my dad started yelling about how he's told me not to eat food like that because I'm going to get fat and end up looking like his sister (who's overweight). I just got mad and told him that I was going to eat dessert if I wanted to, and my mom was also there and yelled at him for saying that stuff to me.
• One time I was at the grocery store with my dad, and in the parking lot we saw a very obese woman walking to her car. My dad then made fun of the poor woman for like 5 minutes, mocking how she walked and making rude comments about how he doesn't know how she could fit in her car, etc. I was pretty shocked because making fun of people is pretty out of character for him. But to make matters worse, right after he was done ripping on the woman he said to me "You look like you've gained weight- have you?" It was all I could do to not burst into tears.
• I was at a wedding with my family last summer, and a friend of my dad's asked him what I was doing over the summer. Although I had a 30hr/wk job that required lots of physical activity, he told his friend, "Oh, Rachel just sits around the house and watches TV all day." I was so mad, but I couldn't say anything and make a scene.
• This summer I have an office job, and my dad knows my boss. My boss told him that I'm very hardworking and do everything he asks quickly, and he (my boss) said that my dad was surprised and said "well I knew she would be dependable, but other than that I had no idea." Ugh.
• And here's the most recent incident that prompted me to write this post. I'm turning 20 tomorrow, and my mom jokingly asked if she should buy me some antiwrinkle cream because I'm getting old. My dad then said "She doesn't need to worry about wrinkles- she needs to worry about her butt getting big."

So hopefully you get an idea about the comments he makes. There are many more incidents, but these are the ones I remember the best. And it really upsets me because I am not overweight, and I am not lazy! I have always worked hard in school (making honor roll, etc) and at whatever job I've had. And as for my weight, it's considered perfectly healthy. Sure I'd like to lose 5-10 lbs, but that's just for my appearance not any health issues. My clothing size is in the single digits (American sizes), and according to medical height/weight charts and stuff like that my weight is considered completely healthy. And even if I were overweight, ripping on me would in no way help the problem! So I really don't know what my dad's problem is. I feel like he wishes I were super athletic (I'm not into sports, and I can tell this bothers him), super skinny, and had tons of boyfriends. That's just not who I am.

So anyway, thanks for reading this. Any advice about what I should is greatly appreciated. I know you're probably going to say that I should talk to him about this, but I don't think I could do that without just bursting into tears and that wouldn't be condusive to a good conversation. And any theories as to why he says these things would be great as well. Thanks.

 

[joyfulgirl]

I feel your pain. My mom was like that with me, although it wasn't limited to weight. I've always been thin but in college put on those 5-10 college pounds (but was still relatively thin) and when I'd come home for breaks she'd say in her subtle way, "Good Lord! You're as big as the side of a house!" Years later after a heartbreaking break-up with my boyfriend, who then started seeing someone else, she said, "Well, I don't blame him--she's very pretty." Now I have an amazing job that is the envy of all my friends, and she says, "So, how's the typing?" as if I work in the typing pool. Kinda like when all Bono's dad can say is, "Fallen off any stages lately?"

Anyway, I don't know what the hell it is with parents who do this except that they see the kids as extensions of themselves and project all of their own insecurities on the kids. Maybe your dad is struggling with you blossoming into a woman and he's uncomfortable with the body changes (from girl to woman). Also, I work with men who are old enough to be my father and they're always teasing me about something and even though it feels mean sometimes I'm told it's their way of being affectionate. I don't really buy that, but it's something to think about.

Maybe you could find his weak point and start ribbing him about it just to ease the tension, and then eventually you might be able to talk to him, in your own season of time.

 

[Bonochick]

That is really, really crappy.

If you feel that you can't talk to him, you don't have many options. I know it's hard, but you just have to try to ignore him. If you are comfortable with your weight and your lifestyle (you seem fine to me!), that is all that really matters. That's very sad to hear that your own father would say such things though. My heart would break if my dad ever talked to me like that. Parents should love and accept you for who you are. If they don't, that is THEIR problem, not yours.

 

[Gina Marie]

I'm sorry sweetie I wasn't sure if I should talk to you in private about it-but if you ever want to PM me, please feel free

I can completely relate to what you are saying. Unfortunately, my father is the same way, and always has been. He has made the same comments in years past about the size of my butt, sitting around the house..blahblahblah-and other things I would never post about here. I wish I could say it gets easier when you get older, but it doesn't-well, other than the fact that I've gotten some more backbone and won't stand for it. It leaves scars on you that are extremely painful, this I know too well.

As to theories about why he would say it, I've wracked my brain in my own situation, and all I know is, it doesn't matter why. It is simply UNACCEPTABLE, and it's emotional abuse. I think the relationship w/ your father for girls is critical to self-esteem and future relationships w/ men.

It IS heartbreaking, but you sure seem like a great girl to me, and it's HIS loss that he's treating you like this. Like I said, I'm here to listen if you want. Sometimes it really helps to know you're not alone-that others have the same issues.

 

[BAW]

Don't put up with this another minute. If you feel you will be too emotional talking to him in person, sit down and write him a letter. Don't hold back...tell him exactly how much his comments have hurt you over the years and tell him in no uncertain terms that if he values his relationship with his daughter, it stops...NOW.

Talk to your mom and tell her how much this hurts you. I'm not saying she's to blame in this but does she stand up for you every time he talks to you this way? A mom's job is to protect her kids, even from their father if he is hurting them in any way.

And it shouldn't matter if you weigh 100, 200 or even 300 pounds...no one has the right to put you down that way but especially not a parent, who should love you unconditionaly.

Do you still live at home? If you do, it may be time that you got out on your own and away from Dad for a while.

Gina Marie is absolutely right, this is emotional abuse and you are an adult now and don't have to take this anymore.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you...it just makes me furious when someone hurts another person and doesn't seem to care.

 

[Lilly]

why is my dad such a jerkwad?

i totally understand your pain. i live at home (only cos i love my mom to death) (oh, and i ain't gots no cash), and my dad is such a prick when my mom isn't around, he has been since i was 8 years old.

his best lines:

• why do you have to be so stupid?
• you look fat today.
• why do you hang out with such goobers? (yeah, goobers... )
• why should i fix your car when you'll just break it again?

my internal responses:

• i stayed on the honor rolls all throughout high school, my junior and senior years i took very challenging classes, and to his dismay i dropped to the b honor roll. need i remind him that i graduated with honors?
• this was said to me about a month after i ripped all of my ligaments of for good on my ankle after taking a fall playing JUNIOR OLYMPIC volleyball. i was still hobbling around and could barely eat cos of the meds. jerk.
• by that he meant "why do your friends let you crash at their house for so long cos you get so pissed at me you leave for weeks at a time.?"
• it CAN'T be that i got a pos hand me down auto that cant go 2 miles without overheating even if it's 50 degrees.

unfortunately, you and i share the same experience, and that is terrible. *hugs* i know what you're going through though. *double hugs*

 

[Mrs. Edge]

I am appalled by what I am reading here! Rachel, (and all of you) have my sincere sympathy. My dad is way too mild mannered ever to say much to me, (he has called my sister "broad in the beam") but I remember once my mother told me with UTTER disgust in her voice that I was OBESE. I weighed less than I do now. I know I am not/was not obese, but I hear her voice as clear as a bell echoing through my head to this day.

It totally sucks. I would take him to task, and if you cry, so be it. It will be a further illustration of how damaging this is.

*hugs*

Jess

 

[Giant Lemon]

Awwww.....thanks guys! ((((hugs))))

It's sad that so many of us have experienced criticism from our parents. Of all people, parents should be the most supportive, etc, and it seems that hurtful comments from them really stick with people. I was just talking with a friend tonight about this, and she told me all these mean things that her parents have said to her, and it made me realize that this was more common than I had ever thought.

Anyway, I've decided that the next time my dad says something rude again I'm definitely going to confront him about it- he probably doesn't even realize how his comments are affecting me, and he needs to be called on it. (And about my mom, she defends me whenever she's present.) It's weird- normally my dad is a great guy and pretty supportive of me, but then he'll just make some flippant remark that really hurts my feelings. Sigh. At least it's nowhere near the point where I would need to move out. I'm a college student, so I'm only home about 3 months of the year anyway.

Thanks so much for reading and responding- it's nice to know that I can turn to you guys. (((hugs)))

~Rachel

 

[Daisyphisto]

(((((Rachael)))))

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!

Congrats on being strong enough to not let what he says ruin your self esteem completely. I think you should definately confront him on this.

He obviously has a problem with overweight people, which is almost the same as a racial prejustice......

 

[Stories for Boys]

i read this a while ago and didn't respond...luckily my parents aren't like that, even though being big runs in the family...when i was about 12-14 i had a chubby stage, and it was the grounds for my low self esteem (i think)...and actually within the last year my dad did say something once or twice about "if you keep eating like that" and i promply yelled at him and told him that that's a terrible thing to tell your daughter...he stopped...and i know he was joking, but still....

*hugs*

i, too, would cry if i confronted him...try the letter thing...that's what i'd do

what really worries me is when he was mocking the woman in the parking lot...that's just sick....

 

[U2girl]

Well i can't speak from personal experience (i'm lucky enough not to have any problems with my figure, if anything, i'm a bit thin) and i don't think MY parents would ever say something like that to me even if i was fat.

I dunno...you should do something. Maybe have all 3 of you (you, your Dad and your Mum for additional backup) sit down and explain why his comments are so hurtful to you. If he's (otherwise) as nice as you say, i'm sure he'll understand.

 

[hiphop]

Anyway, I've decided that the next time my dad says something rude again I'm definitely going to confront him about it- he probably doesn't even realize how his comments are affecting me, and he needs to be called on it. ~Rachel

Yes, tell him he has absolutely no right to do this. Tell him how much it hurts you and if he wants his daughter to be hurt by what he says. If he responds with something like "But you know how I am and it?s just for your own best" or whatever, ask him what kind of picture he has of you... and that you are proud of yourself, but that it hurts your self confidence because you are sensible. Tell him you would lose your respect for him if he continues like that. Or write him a letter.
And then, ask him if he is sorry for the times he has hurted you.

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Enjoy it!!!

 

[Peaseblossom]

I delt with a boyfriend who comment on my weight for two years. I'd say try to talk to him, if that doesn't work out- move out, as soon as possible. The only way I was able to get past the self loathing my ex caused me was to distance myself from him completely. It's working. With the help of supportive friends (like I've found here), and namely Diemen, I'm starting to like myself a lot better.

I'm sure that you're incredible. Don't let people like that get you down.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

That's totally and completely uncalled for. Kudos to you for staying strong throughout all of that abuse.

If you ever need an ear, feel free to PM me.
*hugs*