My dad and I are on the outs

[JCOSTER]

Well, I'm not saying anybody is right or wrong, but I wanted to offer up my own experience, as a child who has never been apologized to by her parents.

I don't have any parenting experience, but I am a daughter. I do have to say that I agree that parents owe children an apology. My mother has said things to me I would never say to another human being. Not once my entire life has she ever apologized. That really effs with one's head. She'll always be my mother, and I'll always be her daughter, and I will always love her, but I'll be honest in saying that this is probably why I became so independent. She does not provide me the source of comfort or support or whatever. She sees her role as mother to be equivalent to a dictatorship. Everything she does is right, anyone who disagrees is wrong (even though she is wrong) and will have to pay some severe consequences. (And she wonders why I don't want to have children!)

Humility and respect are two very important elements of any relationship (as Angela Harlem said), including a parent/child. And it should not be one-sided either. I've had to show all the humility and respect while my mother sat at her throne of delusion.

I really think that my mother believes that as a parent she knows best and can do and say whatever she wants, and that what I have to say is invalid and ignorant, simply because I'm the daughter. With that kind of thinking, my mother forgot that I'm not just a child, I am a PERSON. I have thoughts and feelings that deserve as much respect as hers. Not once did I ever treat her with disrespect (heh, I was too afraid to!), but I can't say she's done the same for me.

I know she loves me...in her own special way. But, it took me a long time to see it this way. And once I came to this awareness, things have gotten better between us. It still hurts when she lashes out, but I'm not going around thinking something is wrong with me, or her, or hoping for her to change. She is who she is. I'm learning to deal with it, which is fine, because I'm sure there's loads of things about me that piss her off, and she is trying to come to terms with. Good thing she has my brother! They are very much alike and get along great.

Anyway, here's a beautiful poem from Kahlil Gibran, one of my favorite mystics:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are set forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He love the arrow that flies, so He loves also he bow that is stable.

Beautiful Mia,

 

[JCOSTER]

Look... as the father of 4, I must tell you that there are times that we, as parents, really get into hanging with our children, we love the fact that we both share common interests, music is obviously your common thread....your Dad must have believed that he was doing something GOOD, something that he wanted as a special bond between the two of you...and when you refused to participate he felt rejected...hence, the verbal assault...

Its happened to me, more than once...its a natural phenomenom, it happens...should he apologize, doubtful but at least know that he was into what he thought YOU wanted...shake it off, talk to him like it never happened...and don't worry about it...do you want to know how many times I was mad at DeadMansParty (he's my son)???

Too many to count, yet, we're still the best of friends, DAD/SON and whatever...you're still family; be thankful that you have a father that cares about you, who's willing to share his music knowledge with you...its all good.

I don't believe that there's anyone else here on the forums older than me who can speak with this experience.

An MOST importantly, a parent DOES NOT owe a child an apology but know deep down inside that he's hurting from what he may have said to you.....its all good, it will all work out..

Also know that as a parent when you DO apologize it is very difficult since it is basically saying not only were you wrong, but as a parent you were wrong.

Parents are thought to be 110% correct 110% of the time, but on occasion we do make bad decisions and say things we sometimes regret.

It just not easy being a parent.

Mr. Baw, Bless u have 4 kids.

 

[UberBeaver]

It's been over a year, man. Hows that Rock Opera coming?

 

[Canadiens1131]

I wouldn't get angry or anything. You always have Lance's mom, man



EDIT: We all do.

 

[gvox]

An MOST importantly, a parent DOES NOT owe a child an apology but know deep down inside that he's hurting from what he may have said to you.....its all good, it will all work out..

I have alot of respect for your years and experience Mr BAW but I couldn't disagree more here. I've made stupid mistakes with my kids, and I've always felt more compelled to apologize to them than to anyone else on planet earth. I think of anyone else around, kids deserve apologies when warranted because what we do is shaping who they become. If I fuck up - and I usually know it fairly quickly, notwithstanding what I might be showing on the outside - I feel the need to figure out a way to come to an apology that doesn't necessarily relinquish my parental authority, but does let them know that I'm human, and I fail alot too. I think that's healthy.

I can very much identify with what I think BAW was trying to say tho LemonMelon. Dad, as much of an egomaniac he might be in terms of the music, likely has lamented any distance between you two, heard you were down and saw it as an opportuntity to try and help out the best way he knows how. Not saying it was right, it just was. Everything after that is just hurt feelings and hot tempers.

I had a similar situation with my kid recently. I've supported him in his basketball since he was 6, coached him, played with him endlessly, driven thousands of miles for his tournaments, etc etc. Recently he did something that felt to me like he was embarrassed by my presence at a practice. I fucking lost it. I mean LOST IT. Basically screamed that he could get his mom to do it all from now on, etc etc blah blah. I was hurt. In the end, tho, it was all just about him growing up and wanting a little more room. I see that coming and even now it's hard to even type that statement without getting choked up about it. He is my everything, as is my daughter, and I never thought I'd manifest this kind of clingy dependency on my kids like I've laughed at others for, but when it hits, man it hits. An hour or so later I had to apologize which was so worth it because he hugged me (and those hugs get rarer and rarer, let me tell you) and said 'Dad I'm totally not embarrassed of you, I'm sorry I made you feel that way. You're the best parent of any of the parents on my team and I love you.'. Yeah. And then we both kindof lost it for a second.

 

[gvox]

Ok. Im stupid, this is an old thread. carry on..

 

[LemonMelon]

It's been over a year, man. Hows that Rock Opera coming?

In all seriousness, very well. I think this thread stuck in my subconscious.

 

[joyfulgirl]

I just need to know which Barry Angela meant...Gibb, White or Manilow?