My Best Friend Thinks Her Husband Is Cheating

[MsMofoGone]

I was very upset the other day as my best friend, who I've known since my childhood, just told me she believes her husband of 20 yrs is cheating on her. I was flabbergasted ... I didn't know what to say at first. I know him and he just doesn't seem like the 'type' to do that, especially because, they both have such a GOOD marriage. Now, she's feeling totally lost. It's like everything she's worked so-ooo hard for is in turmoil. I'm just trying to tell her IT'S HIM, not her. This is so-ooo difficult ... I hope she can get through this. As for me, I'm angry ... it made me realize that one day it could happen to anybody ... and for no apparent GOOD reason. It doesn't matter how 'picture perfect' your marriage is. That's the reason I guess, what got me so-ooo angry to start with. I couldn't believe there was a 'WHY WOULD THIS HAPPEN' to all this. They were the 'perfect' couple, who always worked-out their differences that sometimes caused arguments to surface. Yet, they understood each other and committed 100% to their marriage that my friend thought she and her husband were connected on an 'above and beyond' level.


As of now, they supposedly have been talking. But you know, it's NOT at all positive that she's mistaken. There's still signs (in his responses) that makes her feel like it's all 'planned' answers.

And here's some other concerns:

He does alot of working past normal business hours.
He leaves for work much earlier than necessary.
He will spend several hours alone on the internet playing poker or backgammon, instead of spending time with her.
He takes showers the moment he comes home from work.
He sits alone in the den watching TV programs that he previously recorded days before. (because he was working late ??)
He has no interest in being intimate with her.
He doesn't show any affection to her.
He forgets about conversations she's had with him or it seems like his mind is elsewhere when she talks to him.
He gets in arguments with her for no apparent reason ... or over something ridiculously minor.
He checks his e-mails in private ... or signs off the moment she enters the room.
Although, they eat their meals together ... after dinner, he immediately disappears to the den, she cleans up the kitchen by herself and then she's alone in the living room.

Overall, it's a very sad situation for her. Right now, I am being the BEST friend I can be, by listening to her and trying to help with some cautious advice. I tried to tell her that she needs to figure out ways to catch him ... that way, she knows completely for sure if it's really true. She can then determine what is the BEST WAY for her to handle it. She seems to be driving herself off the deep-end with worry and heartbreak over not knowing absolutely the complete truth, only what she senses is happening. I can sympathize that it's probably not a great feeling to have to wonder how to 'check-up' on your husband ... but, I have told her it's necessary in order to put her mind at ease and get to the actual facts. I just hate to hear her crying every time I talk to her ... she's really depressed and feels it's somehow her fault. I continually tell her, it isn't. She is having a difficult time relating to anyone's advice at the moment. I just wish her husband would break and tell her the absolute truth and save her the further misery that he is putting upon her. Damn, he owes her that much, at least he should be honest enough to tell her the truth.

So, what I'm asking is if anyone can give any other advice on how my friend should proceed or what are other things that could indicate cheating ??

You can rule these out ...

There's no smell of perfume on his clothes.
No lipstick on his shirts.
No scratches or marks on his body.
And nothing out of the ordinary inside his car/trunk.

So, what else should she look out for ?? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

 

[mysterious_jen]

hi ms mofogone, sorry about your friend, its a tough situiation, but women often suspect their men are either A- cheating or B- "i am disgusting and he doesn't want me anymore"


he could actually be depressed and bored. women are paranoid by nature (and for good reason) i think she needs to ask him straight out if there is someone else, it is the WORST question you ever have to ask in a marriage, but it needs to be asked.
short of getting a straight answer, checking his phone for messages, credit card bill for unusual transactions or emails she may not find out.

 

[MsMofoGone]

They have been talking and I have heard from her that she has asked him if he is indeed seeing someone else. His response was "No" (of course, he would say that ... I agree with her that if he indeed was cheating, he would not fess up) But yes, you may be right in thinking she could feel depressed or alone (because he works alot) although, she feels neglected when he's around her. So again, she feels he's 'avoiding' her and the fact there's no interest in sharing conversations, or intimacy ... that's what really has her reasons for belief. He was NEVER like that before ... they were very affectionate in public too, and suddenly, that just stopped out-of-the-blue as well.

As for the rest ... his e-mail at home only has the normal usual stuff showing up on it. But, he has a private e-mail at work that she cannot access from home (it's because the system is through his company, they have their own website too, and it can't be accessed except from a work computer) So who knows what's on his work e-mails ??

His cell phone has alot of different numbers in the call history, she doesn't recognize these numbers and he conveniently has them listed as 'unnamed' ??

His credit cards are pretty much with accurate normal charges, there's nothing out of the ordinary. But, her husband has an out-of-town business trip next week ... so, she has informed me she will check his activity again on-line once he returns to see if anything surfaces there.

Also, a concern ... he scheduled a limo to pick him up and bring him home from the airport. He said he didn't want his wife to bother having to take him there or come and get him. And he hasn't even showed her any of his travelling arrangements. She has no idea what his flight number is, when he departs or returns home (other than what he told her) Whenshe asked for his itinerary on the flight ... he got all defensive and told her not to worry about it. I told her, what if his flight home was delayed ?? How would she know when he would arrive at the airport and then on his way home ??

So, you see ... there are reasons or incidences for her concern. Something here just doesn't make sense. He seems to be covering up something ... he's acting too mysterious.

 

[Lila64]

sounds like he's cheating - too many signs

If he has an out-of-town business trip (allegedly), can she check with anyone he works with to confirm or possibly find out where he's going/staying?

There are some websites that you can use to type in a phone number, and possibly tell you who the number is registered to. Some sites you have to pay for information. But like you said, perhaps many of the calls are business (which could be traced too perhaps...). Or perhaps she could check the phone bill with the telephone company... innocently checking on some mysterious charges on the bill. Then again he could have a separate phone he uses Not a good situation here.

Any chance they've had counselling or would consider it?

 

[indra]

His actions do sound suspicious to me. I know it seems extreme but has she considered hiring someone to keep tabs on where he goes and who he sees for a few days? At least she would know and could decide what she wanted to do then.

 

[MsMofoGone]

Yeah, that would be nice about checking with people from his work about the trip ... but guess this. She offered earlier this week to bring him lunch to his work (because she had a day off herself) and he flat-out told her she didn't have to. His words were "Oh, that's okay ... you don't have to come to my work'

He only said that, he didn't give her a reason WHY she didn't have to go there.

I mentioned to her about the cell phone or house phone bills and to make sure she grabs these bills to check them. He supposedly pays these bills on-line every month, but when she looks at the receipts he saves, the phone call activity list is nowhere to be found. I am unsure if he has a work cell phone, but I know her husband has 'authority' at his work ... so again, he could just use the work phone instead. My friend did mention that his cell phone hasn't had any new listings in his call history for the last 2 days (today would make 3) So I guess it's possible he could be using the company phone or a work cell to place 'personal' calls he doesn't want her to be aware of.

She confronted him and he told her that he does love her and it was because he was always working that he was too tired to do anything (intimate) with her ... or he was too tired to spend time with her. Now, this MIGHT BE possible ... but, what's indeed odd is the fact that when she first asked him if he was seeing someone else because she felt he was not spending time or talking withher as much anymore ... he told her that she must be depressed and said she should go see a psychiatrist because he thought she was being ridiculous to feel that way.

Now, forgive me ... but WHY would a husband tell his wife who's concerned about their marriage that she needs to see a shrink ?? This is getting pathetic.

 

[Lila64]

Well, if he pays the bills online, she'd have to know his password to log in to see possible daily charges (he could delete them from his phone, but not his bill).

Maybe she should make a surprise visit to his office, for lunch or whatever. Try & catch him in a lie. Maybe just confront him, and say look, you can't have your cake & eat it too. Last chance kinda thing, and if he still denies it, seek counselling. If he's unwilling, perhaps she should walk out and move on. I know there's a lot of years involved & history. I don't know if there are children too. She deserves better than this. If you don't have honesty, what do you have?

ETA: Could the possibility of an affair be with a man? Just throwing that thought out there...

 

[mysterious_jen]

the limo and not telling about the trip flight numbers etc has twigged something in me.... time for some honsesty.

 

[MsMofoGone]

She told me that she tried to access the phone and cell bills on-line ... as she has the passwords etc. Although, there was no listing of the calls ... I don't know if once the bill is paid, maybe that info disappears because it becomes a new billing cycle. Maybe she has to check the bill on-line BEFORE he pays the bill.

I mentioned to her that she should wait 15 minutes then get in her car and drive to his work in the early morning to see if he is indeed there. She's said he is the first one at his work, because he is the manager of a warehouse and has to open-up for the other 8 employees who work there. It's a rather small business but my friend says her husband gets paid very good. He actually runs the warehouse. Again, being in charge of things doesn't sound too promising for her issues.

They never had any children ... my friend just recovered about a year ago from a serious injury. I guess, her husband wanted children but, he didn't get upset when her injury stopped her from that chance. She had a serious spine problem, so the doctors told her not to get pregnant because the injury could've indeed endangered her chances of having a baby without defects. Now, she has kinda regretted not having children ... but her husband once said (last year) that he was fine with it. I recently told her to ignore that ridiculous timetable known as the biological clock and try now anyway. Although, she could have a baby now, since her injury is completely recovered. It doesn't sound like she has an opportunity if her husband is indeed cheating. Why should she even consider it ??

And no Lila, like I said, I know her husband and quite well. (and for the record, before you might consider it. don't point the finger at me ... I'm not cheating with him. I have my own sweetie) Also, I stood up at their wedding ... he is not attracted to the male species, I guarantee he's straight.

 

[MsMofoGone]

And indra, thanks for the idea ... I'm gonna tell her to consider hiring an investigator to watch his every move.
Although, I know they are very expensive, I hope she can afford to pay for one without her husband finding out.
Otherwise, he may wonder what that large payment bill is because of ??

How can I tell her how she can work around that ??

 

[indra]

And indra, thanks for the idea ... I'm gonna tell her to consider hiring an investigator to watch his every move.
Although, I know they are very expensive, I hope she can afford to pay for one without her husband finding out.
Otherwise, he may wonder what that large payment bill is because of ??

How can I tell her how she can work around that ??

Does she have a credit card or checking account in her name with a statement he doesn't see? If she doesn't, she should get one of each. If he is having an affair and if that breaks up their marriage she will need them. Even if they stay together she should have accounts and credit in her own name. I think everyone should have these, even if they have a great marriage.

I think an investigator can give her an estimate of the costs she would be likely to face before actually starting so she would know how much she would need. Then stash away cash each week or so and get a decent amount. If she has proof of his misdeeds it gives her leverage and that could very well be worth the price.

 

[MsMofoGone]

Originally posted by indra

Does she have a credit card or checking account in her name with a statement he doesn't see? If she doesn't, she should get one of each. If he is having an affair and if that breaks up their marriage she will need them. Even if they stay together she should have accounts and credit in her own name. I think everyone should have these, even if they have a great marriage.

I think an investigator can give her an estimate of the costs she would be likely to face before actually starting so she would know how much she would need. Then stash away cash each week or so and get a decent amount. If she has proof of his misdeeds it gives her leverage and that could very well be worth the price.

I believe she has some credit cards but, I don't know if her husband doesn't see the activity. She once told me all of their finances were on-line, so he might have access to her passwords, user, acct info, etc. As for the banking ... they have checking and savings, but they are joint on that.

Like I already said, I will have to ask her about hiring an investigator ... maybe if she only had him surveil her husband for a few days, it might not be overly-expensive. Or maybe, the investigator's company would allow her to make payments (if she put down a good deposit) I can't really say, she will have to check that out first. I hope she is able to consider this method, right now, it seems like her only chance of getting some real answers.

 

[Babydoll]

That is really sad.

Sadly, cheating men in marriages is becoming increasingly more prevalent today.

Some men don't realize that they married the woman for a reason. And to stray for some other woman is... idiotic. I wonder if they even spare a thought for their wives, and how they'd be feeling. And as for the women who go after married men... well, good luck to them. Going after something that's not yours... is...stealing in the most basic terms.

 

[Babydoll]

This happened to someone in my family (my aunt) so I know how awful it is for the wife. She was a wreck and her self-esteem was completely eroded when she found out her hubby was cheating.

 

[corianderstem]

Sadly, cheating men in marriages is becoming increasingly more prevalent today.

To be fair, it's not just men who cheat.

I don't have anything to add, but I'm sorry your friend is going through such a hard time, MrsSpringsteen.

 

[Babydoll]

No, its not just men. Both partners cheat.

 

[JessicaAnn]

She told me that she tried to access the phone and cell bills on-line ... as she has the passwords etc. Although, there was no listing of the calls ... I don't know if once the bill is paid, maybe that info disappears because it becomes a new billing cycle. Maybe she has to check the bill on-line BEFORE he pays the bill.

Do you think she could contact the cell phone company to get a list of incoming and outgoing calls. They should be able to provide this to her.

 

[MsMofoGone]

Originally posted by Babydoll
No, its not just men. Both partners cheat.

You know that's true ... but, what leads matters to that ??
Usually, when one person cheats ... wouldn't the other person do so, just to 'get even' because of anger or resentment ?? Or they may become as ignorant as the original cheater is, and do it out of spite or retaliation. Could the cheater be a women, and the man 'follow in her footsteps' ?? Yeah, that could happen. Either way, a man or woman who cheats doesn't justify the matter as everything is alright now ... it just creates more problems within a relationship/marriage that seems to have failed, as no positive resolutions can come from lack of communication or discussion.

 

[MsMofoGone]

Originally posted by JessicaAnn

Do you think she could contact the cell phone company to get a list of incoming and outgoing calls. They should be able to provide this to her.

Yeah, she was just telling me earlier today that she was considering doing this. But, it's also somewhat difficult because she works during the day (just like her husband does) and sometimes he gets home BEFORE she does (depending on the traffic flow ... there's construction going on in their area) So, if she doesn't get the mail BEFORE he gets home ... he may wonder why they've received a copy of their call listings !! I know she wants to try and trust him and believe they can work through this ... afterall, she still isn't completely sure he's cheating, she just has a gut-instinct telling her it could be possible. But also, the important thing is for her not let-on that she's STILL considering he's lying, since they have discussed this and he told her he's not cheating ... if she finds out differently, then would be the time to 'expose' his lies ... not over creating suspicion with a phone bill copy.

 

[MsMofoGone]

Originally posted by MsMofoGone
not over creating suspicion with a phone bill copy.

Let me just add to this ... especially, if that phone bill copy is legit. Then that trust she is trying so-ooo hard to believe is thrown right back out the window and more problems would arise.

I think she should just wait and check next month's statement when it arrives ... I've already mentioned to her that maybe she can start work 15 minutes earlier ... so she can leave her work 15 minutes earlier and beat her husband home each and every day. That would be an accomplishment ... as she hardly ever takes in the mail, he usually always manages to get to the box first.

 

[Kiki]

this sucks big time. I know exactly how she's feeling. It's taken us alot of counseling and along time to get past these things and make our marriage work again.

Granted it's to the best of my knowledge that I caught everything before anything physical happened, but it still hurt and it still made me doubt and wonder ALL the time about what was going on.

Her best bet, if she wants answers and wants to go about finding them out herself, if she can't trust what he's saying anymore; is to track the internet sites he's gone to, emails received, etc. There are programs out there, there's also programs out there to block certain sites, but knowing how things went down in my situation, he'll probably figure out how to just disable the program and re-start it without knowing the passwords she sets.

of course there are really expensive things she can do such as having a tracking system installed on his car without him knowing, but that would take alot of coniving and making up stories to get her to use his car, etc.

I had a regional manager that once just tracked her husband at the time, with a friend. Her friend drove and they followed him, her car was one he wouldn't pick out immediately. They followed him to this house after work and he walked right up and some dolled up lady came to the door and let him in. My manager walked up to the door after a few minutes and caught him with his arms around this woman. He had no choice but to admit to cheating at that point.

.........ok I just saw the part of your other note regarding the work email. Well....unless he's the president of the company or something, he shouldnt be stupid enough to get stuff at a work email. I mean, that's just asking for trouble, left and right.

As for those unnamed phone numbers, have her write them all down and go to www.whitepages.com and use the reverse phone number.

If its a listed number it'll give her the name and address, if it's a cell phone it'll give her the area or state it's from and the carrier.

As for those tracking systems, they do have them in phones now too. She may want to "buy him a christmas gift" sort to say.....and get a new family plan or something. Something she can track where he is.

Other than that.....I would say counseling. That hopefully will make him open up and be honest and see that she's really hurting and that she's really scared here.

for both of you. I know those feelings she's going through and they SUCK big time. It hurts like nothing you've ever felt or will feel....and she's going through this after 20 years of marriage....I went through it my first 2 1/2 years of marriage. I know it's gota be even worse for her.

I'm here if you need someone to talk to or bounce ideas off of, etc.

 

[Doozer61]

Speaking from experience, and I admit, I have been on both sides of this...

The guy is cheating and she needs to begin taking care of herself. Once you have that gut feeling, you know the truth. There is no need to be snooping around even though you may have a strong need for validation.

She needs to begin acting as if this is the truth and build herself up. Decisions need to be made, will she stay or leave, will they both want to work it out, therapy, separation, support groups, books. She needs to educate herself on this and make some tough decisions. Confrontation is not easy and nobody likes it. He won't come clean until caught and he will slip up, gauranteed. Until then, she needs to be ready.

 

[FitzChivalry]

I have to agree with Doozer. I think your friend is (understandably) not seeing the bigger picture: her marriage, regardless of the cause, is crumbling; whether it's because of an affair or because he's lost interest or because he's consumed by his career, her marriage is failing,

The "because" doesn't really matter at this point. Your friend needs to take a very hard, painful, deep long breath and admit that it's not working and ask herself that excruciating question: now what?

 

[joyfulgirl]

^ Agree with both the wise Doozer and Fitz. The marriage isn't failing because he's cheating, he's cheating because the marriage is failing. Tracking him for proof seems kind of ridiculous, frankly, and it will just get her focused on paranoia, blame and anger instead of moving forward constructively. Plus, it's just a creepy thing to do, imo, even if the guy is being a creep himself.

 

[FitzChivalry]

^ I completely agree.

I forgot to mention earlier, and as her best friend Mrs.Mofo, you may want to mention this: her obssession with "catching" him and all the things she is doing to spy and catch him . . . . they are just distractions, busy-work if you will.

It seems like she's trying to avoid the obvious and plain fact that the marriage is sinking by engaging in, as Joyful pointed out, these creepy and fairly juvenile antics of trying to catch him.

And I'm NOT blaming her, and I'm not saying I can't understand why she's trying to distract herself by playing Nancy Drew, but as her best friend, I think you need to take a deep breath and tell her that her actions aren' t helping -- that she is in essence spinning her wheels in fear of the larger, most obvious, truth.

I know it sucks, for all involved, but it's time to suggest to your friend that she face up to the facts and plan her next move.

 

[MsMofoGone]

Originally posted by Kiki
.........ok I just saw the part of your other note regarding the work email. Well....unless he's the president of the company or something, he shouldnt be stupid enough to get stuff at a work email. I mean, that's just asking for trouble, left and right.

My friend said her husband recently got promoted to warehouse manager and he does have his own e-mail address ... the problem is she cannot access it because it's through his company network. She would have to be at his work on his computer, in order to see his
e-mails.

Originally posted by Kiki
As for those unnamed phone numbers, have her write them all down and go to www.whitepages.com and use the reverse phone number.

She has tried this method and it only showed her an unlisted number status, so she saw the city where the person lives and the cell phone carrier brand. Actually, no help here.

Originally posted by Kiki
Other than that.....I would say counseling. That hopefully will make him open up and be honest and see that she's really hurting and that she's really scared here.

Yeah, I would hope that's really possible for her to seek a professional and hopefully he'll agree on going with her too.

Originally posted by Kiki
I'm here if you need someone to talk to or bounce ideas off of, etc.

Kiki Thanks so much.
I talked with her earlier this morning and I offered for her to come and stay with me over the weekend to try and sort some things out. (more like, just get away from him, as I think she needs time apart just to recompose herself and not go off the deep-end in blaming herself any further) If he does cheat while she is away, then more power to him, as she will eventually find out the truth. I would agree that she now knows what to further investigate. But, if he isn't cheating, and it's all coincidence ... then maybe this might be the BEST way to make it known to him that she really is upset and feels depressed about what has been going on in their marriage. Either way, it's a 'wake-up call' to him for her to just leave for a few days (without any real proof yet) maybe, this measure can open his eyes up and make him realize how many problems they really have and that they need to resolve them before it's too late. I couldn't think he would be so-ooo disheartening that he doesn't care at all ... or wouldn't take notice of this. Actually, it's hard for me trying to help here because I know both of them so well. I would never have thought he would ever cheat on her. But, it's also true that people can change ... not always
for the better.

 

[Doozer61]

Either way, it's a 'wake-up call'

Exactly, whether its an affair or just boredom, communication needs to open up between the two of them. Something is not right in the relationship and now is the time to figure it out before the anger and resentment build.

 

[Babydoll]

I have a question : Would she (and any of you) accept him back?

Personally, I wouldn't. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Once he's strayed, odds are he'll stray again. Even if he promises and cries and begs, he can't be trusted anymore. If he's hurt me once, who's to say he won't hurt me again? I'd pack up and leave. That would serve him right. I hate to sound judgemental but there aren't any excuses for this... if you're unhappy, communicate and work on your differences. Don't take the easy way out and find someone else behind your spouses back.

This is just really sad.

Mrsmofogone, for you and your friend. Feel free to PM me too as I've witnessed this experience close hand and know how it is.

 

[Babydoll]

Exactly, whether its an affair or just boredom, communication needs to open up between the two of them. Something is not right in the relationship and now is the time to figure it out before the anger and resentment build.

I agree.

 

[BAW]

And indra, thanks for the idea ... I'm gonna tell her to consider hiring an investigator to watch his every move.
Although, I know they are very expensive, I hope she can afford to pay for one without her husband finding out.
Otherwise, he may wonder what that large payment bill is because of ??

How can I tell her how she can work around that ??

Being in the private investigation business, we get calls all the time, mostly from women, saying "I think my husband is cheating on me and I want him followed to prove it." Our answer is "If you are making this phone call, you already have your answer. You don't need to pay us hundreds of dollars to tell you what you already know." We don't take on those types of cases because it feels ugly and a bit creepy to accept money to help someone "catch" their spouse doing what they already know they are doing.

There are plenty of PI's out there would gladly take your friend's money but I don't think she needs one to confirm what she already knows.