Major Depression

The friendliest place on the web for anyone that follows U2.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
:hug:

life is all about swings and roundabouts, ups and downs and dealing with the reality vs the expectations we set for ourselves

i'm so sorry you're struggling again and wish I had some words that could soothe and take away the angst

all I know is that for every step that feels like a backwards one there is always a step leading forward - the trick is to remind yourself of all the positive things that you've achieved and try and find the light inside that you know is shining somewhere

please try and see that you are not alone in this and that there are many many people wishing you nothing but success - many of us understand the hurt and anguish and wish we could take it away for you

i am not an expert by any means but please be gentle with yourself - i haven't had a huge slump in a while but i know when its hiding and trying to tap me on the shoulder . . . these days i am getting better at talking my self around it . . . and getting better at saying it out loud, it doesn't make it go away but it helps me make sense of it all in my head . . . ack. I'm rambling which isn't helping huh . . .apols

remember you have found your way out of it before
you will do it again
treat yourself as you would a wounded puppy . . .with love and compassion and understanding and care

:hug: :hug: :hug:
 
I was listening to the Paul Brady song 'Paradise is Here', a song which Brady says was influenced by the idea, as expounded by the Indian guru Krishnamurti, that this precise instant in time is in fact the very first instant of the future.

Several U2 songs, I think, plough a similar theme of being as it were reborne on a daily basis, e.g. Unknown Caller (restart, reboot...), Mercy (I'm borne again and again.) Arguably their entire career, in a way.

Anyone who adopts this approach will find a very powerful tool for enhancing their life, including addressing issues with depression, I feel. (Easier said than done, granted.)

I am not explaining this very well, unfortunately.
 
Hi. So sorry to hear you're going through a bad time right now. You know, the offer to PM or whatever is still open, and I do genuinely mean it.

Reading the responses to your post, I think this part of Purplereign's post is particularly valuable, and also very accurate:

...but i know when its hiding and trying to tap me on the shoulder . . . these days i am getting better at talking my self around it . . . and getting better at saying it out loud, it doesn't make it go away but it helps me make sense of it all in my head . . .

I know people for whom this has been true. Over time and during the recovery process, you'll get to know when your depression is rearing its ugly head, and you'll also learn what steps you need to take to keep it at bay, the things that work for you.

In the meantime, are you still seeing your therapist, and have you discussed your current feelings with him/her? I know you mentioned that you're shutting people out right now, but you have to know that there are people you can call if you really need to. They care, and they want to hear from you - trust me on that.

Also, just something to think about. How many people have you heard of who have contemplated or unsuccessfully attempted suicide who, 5 years down the road, say to themselves "things suck, I wish I had been successful?" That's right - NO ONE. Because things always get better eventually. And they will for you, too. It really is just a symptom of the disease. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you're seeing logic in these thoughts. Your mind is simply tricking you into justifying something that's unjustifiable.

Keep us posted on how you're doing, and seriously, PM me if you want. :hug:
 
In the meantime, are you still seeing your therapist, and have you discussed your current feelings with him/her? I know you mentioned that you're shutting people out right now, but you have to know that there are people you can call if you really need to. They care, and they want to hear from you - trust me on that.

Yeah, that's very true. I did that and it surely is no good at all. You'll learn to appreciate your friends in this situations when you need them.
 
Although it's probably the last thing you want to do, the only advice I can offer is to reach out to your friends, and try your very hardest to live outside of yourself. Closing yourself in only submerges you deeper into the negative thoughts. Your mind is dominating right now because you aren't in an environment that forces you to think about other things.

i think you're a brilliant person. but right now your mind is working against you, and you're thinking that it is logical because you aren't considering an alternative, but you aren't really being offered one because you're alone right now. everything you described in your post...well...i don't think is really going to help you, you know? if you're left with the dark thoughts and nothing else, then that's going to seem like the only truth there is.

have you started volunteering? are you still going to the gym? i couldn't imagine how hard it is to do so, but i really emphasize that you have to get out: of your mind and your home. you have to keep yourself involved in other people's lives so that you're not left to focus only on the pains of yours.

one more thing: you know that i'm a survivor of suicide. my friends' death anniversary is in a few weeks. other than her experience, and the thoughts i myself i had in the past couple of years, i hadn't had any experience with suicide. but what i can tell you (and this is only my perspective) is that it is not logical. not one bit. but she was no longer in a frame of mind where she could distinguish that. it is the most unfortunate thing ever. i hope i never have to lose another friend to suicide.

you didn't get to this point on your own. life experiences and key figures have unfortunately scarred you, and took you there. therefore, i don't think this is something that you can overcome on your own. this time, it's going to take different life experiences and key figures to get you to work though this. and you will get through this. you just need to have faith in yourself and in your friends, who love you very much.
 
Although it's probably the last thing you want to do, the only advice I can offer is to reach out to your friends, and try your very hardest to live outside of yourself. Closing yourself in only submerges you deeper into the negative thoughts. Your mind is dominating right now because you aren't in an environment that forces you to think about other things.

i think you're a brilliant person. but right now your mind is working against you, and you're thinking that it is logical because you aren't considering an alternative, but you aren't really being offered one because you're alone right now. everything you described in your post...well...i don't think is really going to help you, you know? if you're left with the dark thoughts and nothing else, then that's going to seem like the only truth there is.

have you started volunteering? are you still going to the gym? i couldn't imagine how hard it is to do so, but i really emphasize that you have to get out: of your mind and your home. you have to keep yourself involved in other people's lives so that you're not left to focus only on the pains of yours.

one more thing: you know that i'm a survivor of suicide. my friends' death anniversary is in a few weeks. other than her experience, and the thoughts i myself i had in the past couple of years, i hadn't had any experience with suicide. but what i can tell you (and this is only my perspective) is that it is not logical. not one bit. but she was no longer in a frame of mind where she could distinguish that. it is the most unfortunate thing ever. i hope i never have to lose another friend to suicide.

you didn't get to this point on your own. life experiences and key figures have unfortunately scarred you, and took you there. therefore, i don't think this is something that you can overcome on your own. this time, it's going to take different life experiences and key figures to get you to work though this. and you will get through this. you just need to have faith in yourself and in your friends, who love you very much.

Mia, that's such awesome insight. Everything you said about having to live outside of your head is right on target, and what I was essentially trying to get at when I suggested volunteer work a few pages ago. When you're alone with your thoughts for periods of time, things tend to escalate and before you know it, you're stuck in the bottom of a black pit.

Someone I'm close to had one of the worst cases of depression I've ever seen anyone in. She was hospitalized several times within a few years, in a catatonic state, she was put on suicide watch, she had several rounds of ECT therapy...things were bad. At one point, she was even misdiagnosed as possibly having schizophrenia. Her case was switched to a new psychiatrist who spoke with her and went over what she'd been through, etc. He said it was major clinical depression, put her on a new drug regimen, and probably gave her the best piece of advice that he could have, at that point (and this relates to what both you and Purplereign have said): "when you feel the depressive feelings starting to return, force yourself to go about life and to engage in the world around you. It doesn't matter if you don't feel like it, just do it." She told me later that when the feelings started, she did exactly what he said, and after that, they never took hold again to the extent that they previously did. Since then, she's returned to school, has an extremely successful career in a field she's always wanted to enter, takes a ton of pride in what she does, she enjoys her friends and family, etc. I'm extremely proud of her.

I guess what I'm trying to say, drownoutheworld, is that there's always hope, even when things are at their bleakest. You can fight this. When you're at the bottom of a spiral, it's not always possible to force yourself to do the things you need to do, but I think that's where the support of those closest to you can help to get you through. Then, when you're feeling better...engage, engage, engage. And when the feelings start to return, stay engaged. Hopefully, that will help to not let the depression take hold.
 
Although it's probably the last thing you want to do, the only advice I can offer is to reach out to your friends, and try your very hardest to live outside of yourself. Closing yourself in only submerges you deeper into the negative thoughts. Your mind is dominating right now because you aren't in an environment that forces you to think about other things.

i think you're a brilliant person. but right now your mind is working against you, and you're thinking that it is logical because you aren't considering an alternative, but you aren't really being offered one because you're alone right now. everything you described in your post...well...i don't think is really going to help you, you know? if you're left with the dark thoughts and nothing else, then that's going to seem like the only truth there is.

have you started volunteering? are you still going to the gym? i couldn't imagine how hard it is to do so, but i really emphasize that you have to get out: of your mind and your home. you have to keep yourself involved in other people's lives so that you're not left to focus only on the pains of yours.

one more thing: you know that i'm a survivor of suicide. my friends' death anniversary is in a few weeks. other than her experience, and the thoughts i myself i had in the past couple of years, i hadn't had any experience with suicide. but what i can tell you (and this is only my perspective) is that it is not logical. not one bit. but she was no longer in a frame of mind where she could distinguish that. it is the most unfortunate thing ever. i hope i never have to lose another friend to suicide.

you didn't get to this point on your own. life experiences and key figures have unfortunately scarred you, and took you there. therefore, i don't think this is something that you can overcome on your own. this time, it's going to take different life experiences and key figures to get you to work though this. and you will get through this. you just need to have faith in yourself and in your friends, who love you very much.

That's a wonderful view, although I would have to disagree with you on suicide not being logical.
 
I've been there, even attempted, and the moments do pass, and then you realize you are living too much inside yourself. Like what others have said, reach out, beyond here, and if you don't feel like you have a friend or loved one that will understand, there are plenty of other outlets... Therapists, churches, etc...
 
I’m having a hard time with my life these days. I’ve been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I’m pretty sure the diagnosis is correct, I feel it. Long story shot. I’m seeing a MD and psychologist, trying to do all the “right” things (eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep), and I feel a little better, it’s taken the edge off (I’m not bursting into uncontrollable sobbing every night; no I’m merely on the verge of tears daily).

From my studies of psychology and philosophy the same information keeps coming up. Here's a summary of a book that might help:

David D. Burns

Consider this statistic: In the United States, 5.3 percent of the population will at any given time have depression, and the lifetime risk is 7–8 percent in adults, higher for women. Forty years ago, the mean age for onset of depression was 29.5; today, it has halved to 14.5 years. And though rates differ around the developed world, the incidence of depressive illness has risen dramatically since 1900. Prior to the 1980s, David Burns writes, depression had been the cancer of the psychological world—widespread but difficult to treat—and the taboos associated with it made the problem worse for most people. As with cancer, finding a “cure” had been its holy grail; everything from Freudian psychoanalysis to shock treatment was applied to the problem, with not very good results.

Burns helped to establish a new method of treatment, cognitive therapy, and Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy is his attempt to explain how it works and why it is different. The book has been a bestseller because it was the first to tell the general public about cognitive therapy, and also because it is a surprisingly enjoyable and useful read for the nondepressed, providing possibly life-changing insights into how our thoughts and emotions interact.

The cognitive way

In his work at the University of Pennsylvania as a psychiatric resident, Burns collaborated with pioneering cognitive psychologist Aaron T. Beck, who believed that most depression or anxiety was simply a result of illogical and negative thinking. He noted the remarkable contrast between how the depressed person feels—that they are a loser or that their life has gone horribly wrong—and the actual conditions of their life, which are often high in achievement. Beck’s conclusion was that depression therefore had to be based on problems in thinking. By straightening out one’s twisted thoughts, one could get back to normal.

Beck’s three principles of cognitive therapy were:
- All our emotions are generated by our “cognitions,” or thoughts. How we feel
at any given moment is due to what we are thinking about.
- Depression is the constant thinking of negative thoughts.
- The majority of negative thoughts that cause us emotional turmoil are plain wrong or at least distortions of the truth, but we accept them without question.

For Burns this sounded a little too obvious and simple, but when he actually tried Beck’s new talking treatment for depression called cognitive therapy, he was amazed at how many of his chronic patients were relieved of their destructive feelings. People who had been suicidal a couple of weeks earlier now looked forward to rebuilding their lives.

Seeing through black magic

Cognitive therapy’s revolutionary idea is that depression is not an emotional disorder. The bad feelings we have in depression all stem from negative thoughts, therefore treatment must be about challenging and changing those thoughts. Burns lists ten “cognitive distortions,” such as all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, disqualifying the positive, jumping to conclusions, and giving ourselves labels. By understanding these distortions, we are led to the awareness that “feelings aren’t facts,” they are only mirrors of our thoughts. If that is true, should we trust our feelings? They seem valid, the “truth,” but as Burns points out, it is like trusting the funny mirrors we see in amusement parks to be an accurate reflection of ourselves. He notes, “Unpleasant feelings merely indicate that you are thinking something negative and believing it.” This is why, he suggests, “depression is such a powerful form of black magic.”

Because thoughts come before emotions, our emotions don’t prove anything about the accuracy of our thoughts. Feelings are not special at all, particularly when based on distortions. Burns asks the question: When we are in a great mood, do our good feelings determine what we are worth? If not, how can we say that the feelings we have when feeling blue do determine our worth?

Burns is not saying that all emotions are distortions. When we experience real sadness or joy, for instance, these are healthy and normal reactions. Genuine sadness, say at the loss of a relative, is of the “soul,” whereas depression is always of the mind. It is not an appropriate response to life but a disease of wrong, circular thinking.

Creating a new self-image

Burns notes the catch-22 nature of depression: The worse we feel, the more distorted our thoughts become, and this thinking plunges us even lower into black feelings about ourselves. Nearly all his patients considered that their situation was hopeless. They really believed that they were bad people, and the conversations they had with themselves were like a broken record of self-blame and self-deprecation. Depressed people feel wretched even when they are loved, have a family, have good jobs, and so on. We can have “everything,” but if self-love and self-worth have fled, we feel that we are nothing. Cognitive therapists will often be engaged in a spirited back-and-forth with their patients, trying to point out the silliness or fallacy of their assertions. Eventually patients learn to challenge their wrong thoughts on their own, which is the beginning of feeling good about themselves.

Final comments

Do the ideas in Feeling Good really work? Researchers followed two groups of similar patients, one that was given Burns’s book to read within a month, and another that was not. Not only did the Feeling Good group experience a significant amelioration of depressive symptoms compared to the “blind” group, but their symptoms stayed away. Perhaps the key to the book’s efficacy is that we feel we are not being “worked on” but given the tools to change ourselves.

Prescribing books like Feeling Good to mental illness patients is called “bibliotherapy,” and Burns’s is usually ranked highly by professionals in this respect. Could reading a book really be as effective, or even better, than drugs or psychotherapy in helping people with depression? It is certainly worth trying. As Burns himself points out in an introduction to the revised 1999 edition, his book costs about the price of two Prozac pills, and there are no side effects.

Indeed, the great benefit of cognitive therapy is that there is no need to take any drugs. But in the last chapter of Feeling Good, Burns explains that, for really serious depression, the most effective treatment is a combination of cognitive therapy and antidepressants, the former to improve patients’ thinking, the latter to lift their overall mood.

Burns points out that the basic idea of cognitive therapy—that our thoughts affect our emotions and mood, not the other way around—goes back a long way: The ancient philosopher Epictetus rested his career on the idea that it is not events that determine your state of mind, but how you decide to feel about the events. This secret is shared by all happy people, yet it is a skill that can be learnt by anyone.

Now developing a new self-image can be helpful if done the right way but I personally like a buddhist attitude towards self-images and to learn more about how humans can unfortunately treat mental projections as reality. I feel that a mental self-image "good or bad" are equally wrong and to not have to chase after a self-image gives me more equanimity.

There are 3 strands to buddhist meditation: concentration, mindfulness, and love & kindness. The concentration creates tranquility so even mundane chores and tasks do not bore. As the concentration develops from practice you can then use it to test your mental projections (mindfulness) to check your self-image and opinions and to learn how your emotions feel so ruminations are cut short. The love and kindness part helps to reduce grudges which can lead to the same circular thinking. When you have a meditation practice that is regular you will train your brain to stay in the present moment more naturally and probably have more equanimity than most of the population.

Amazon.com: How to See Yourself As You Really Are: His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Jeffrey, Ph.D. Hopkins: Books

This book in particular helps explain the "non-self" subject which really translates into not-ego or not following a self-image. The Dalai Lama challenges people to search for their ego and to realize that self-images are dependent on mental projections yet we often treat those projections as fact. Trying to justify a mental self-reputation in your mind leads to stressful rumination. Reducing negative rumination will reduce your stress enormously.

If the non-self approach is not for you I would recommend stoic philosophy which is similar to buddhism but treats the self in the western manner. Here's a good free summary:

http://www.mises.org/books/stoics.pdf

Your not alone in your quest for happiness. I wish you the best.
 
I'm still here. My mood has improved but my thinking hasn't. i've been reading all the posts, i'll post a proper response at some point. thanks.
 
I'm hesitant to type anything in response, because I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing, but I also really don't want to say nothing after reading that.

Are you still seeing your therapist or psychiatrist? Is there someone you have a relationship you can talk to?

Immediately what springs to mind are the suicide prevention helplines - I know it says there right in the name, but I can imagine there are helplines that aren't just someone saying "don't do it!"

And the comment about leaving your accounts and passwords for someone ... all I can say is that I hope we aren't seeing a message from that someone telling us that you've gone ahead and done it.

I'm so sorry to hear you're still struggling so much. All I can say is that I hope you are able to talk to someone that steers you away from such a decision.
 
I'm hesitant to type anything in response, because I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing, but I also really don't want to say nothing after reading that.

I have that same feeling.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this.

I would suggest speaking to a therapist or member of the clergy. Trust me, anything that you could throw at them, they've heard before. It wouldn't come as a shock to them. I'm afraid that if any layperson spoke to you about what you're proposing, it could be perceived as them condoning what you're thinking of doing, and quite frankly, I would not trust the judgment of anyone who would condone it.

Please remember that although it may not seem like it, life is inherently worthwhile, and people can and do overcome major depression every day, and go on to lead rich, fulfilling lives.

At the very least, you have this thread to read over or post in. People here genuinely care.
 
I want to have an honest conversation with someone about suicide. Particularly about the possibility of my own suicide. I need to find someone who would have an open mind about it.

Despite the comments that you will get from good hearted people here, you should recognize what you're saying here.

If you truly want an honest conversation, posting through an anonymous account to strangers on an internet forum isn't going to offer you that. An honest conversation is something you can have with the people who know you, your cat, your house, your life.

You don't need to post on interference to get that conversation. You know exactly who you can call. We are right here, just like we always have been. Shut us out as much as you want, we're not going anywhere. We don't have much going on in our lives besides each other. We have been there for each other through some fucked up shit, and some really great times. This is no different.

I know there are some really bright people on this board, but I really don't think you're going to get some better discussion than from your own friends who love you, care about you, and truly miss you.

Please call me. School is out, I don't have a boyfriend, and I'm unemployed, so I'm available to talk all night if need be :)
 
Also, your medication isn't improving your condition, is it? What are you taking right now? There are pharmaceuticals out there that have been known to cause thoughts of suicide. I think you're going to have to talk to your doctor some more. S/he will also provide you a rational conversation about this. You can't get more objective than with a professional who knows all about neurotransmitters and biochemical reactions.
 
I know there are some really bright people on this board, but I really don't think you're going to get some better discussion than from your own friends who love you, care about you, and truly miss you.

Please call me. School is out, I don't have a boyfriend, and I'm unemployed, so I'm available to talk all night if need be :)

I agree. :)


Also, your medication isn't improving your condition, is it? What are you taking right now? There are pharmaceuticals out there that have been known to cause thoughts of suicide. I think you're going to have to talk to your doctor some more. S/he will also provide you a rational conversation about this. You can't get more objective than with a professional who knows all about neurotransmitters and biochemical reactions.

And with this, also. :up:
 
Unico said it perfectly. We have seen each other through some extremely bad times. Call her. Call iwearlemon. Call me.

Even if you don't want to, you need to engage the world. Isolating yourself is only going to give you the illusion that nothing matters. It does. YOU DO. Hiding in your house only makes you focus on what you perceive as negative things. There are so many positives out there.

I agree that there may be a drug issue here. Have you told your doctor about any herbal supplements or vitamins you may take? Those can also interfere with the effectiveness of drugs.
 
I've been going through major depression, and i know ANY thought of suicide is an IRRATIONAL thought. It is impossible to make a decision to commit suicide, because you aren't making the decision. The disease is. The moment you are compulsively thinking about death or taking your own life, you are no longer in control. The disease is in control. Please, see someone for help. If you are taking medications, they may be amplifying your depression, and you should stop them. You must call a health care professional, because, when you are thinking about suicide, you are lost inside of your depression. You need professional help to pull you out of it. I'm seeing someone for my depression, and I know there's help. You must realize that these thoughts aren't yours. You are a beautiful soul that wants to live. That's why you are here. Call a doctor, and call your friends. We are here for you and we love you.

You are not alone. We are here for you. And there are people out there to help you. Please, please, don't listen to the depression; it lies. You are loved. :hug:
 
Drownoutheworld, don't do that. Don't drown out the world. Open yourself to the voices of your friends that love you and want you to feel whole and well. It's possible. You can live a meaningful life without suffering. Death isn't the answer. Life is. Open up to it, and feel the love we all have to give you.
 
Remember the conversation we had at the beach.


Like New Year's Eve, tonight's underway
But tomorrow you'll wake up afraid of the day
'Cause underneath the scars of your broken dreams
An undone war still wages and stings
You fear the year will blow
Like a breeze through a rainbow
You swear it's there, but you can't grab a hold
So you sit and cry and wonder why, why...

When all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by

Carbon Leaf
Let your troubles roll by
 
Unico, I do! You said, Drownoutheworld, that, if you heard that song at the concert, you knew God loved you. He still does.
 
Death doesn't wash away tears. It brings about more and more.

Like iwearlemon said, to rationally approach this, you have to accept that you are overcome with a dis-ease right now. This is brought on by the chemical imbalance within. Your neurotransmitters and hormones are out of whack right now, and this is what creates the illusions of abandon and helplessness.

We're here to tell you that, because it may seem real to you, you should know that it is not the reality of things. We see you, we love you, we know who you are inside.

I want you to use the same determination you use to get a rail spot toward fighting for your life. You are an incredible individual. I don't think you are even aware of how brave you are, doing all that you've done so far in life. You are a truly accomplished woman. You can fight this. And we will help you.
 
^ wow unico, just wow . . . drownedouttheworld I hope you're still out there and can see the love your friends clearly have for you . . . sending you strength and peace and clarity . . . fight for yourself and honour your beautiful soul and the light you have within :hug:
 
I have probably been depressed since mid 2008. I have not been confirmed as having because I would rather not go on anti-depressants......that may seem stubborn, but I just strongly believe that the stress of reality in what happened to me just before that date, and strong unhappiness is whats keeping me this low.

i have cried hard a lot

wait, I know ages ago somewhere I posted a similar thread

but now since New Year and massive changes in the family, everything and everyday seems highly pointless to live now.

and my work, I hate it now, Im not occupied or busy at all and its very bad for my frame of mind.



and recently I tried to see how it would go, with this new fella, and by 3rd meet it turned out pretty crap and I really hinted at him that its best he find someone else better and hotter as he is wasting his time with me. so Ive learnt Im no good for any guy now or like, ever :(:(

Everyday I think it would be best to just be.......dead (dont have a go at me sayin that!)

I may have to pay private to see a counsellor to just, talk everything out..........:reject::reject::reject:
 
Ok, I’m not sure exactly what to say now. I deleted my post because I didn’t think it through all the way before posting it. I’m sorry about that. I guess I can clarify a few things.
I am still seeing my therapist and psychiatrist. And I’m being very honest with my therapist and fairly honest with my psychiatrist about how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. I even basically told my therapist the same thing I posted, without going into all the details of what I think I needed to get done, but that I wanted to have an unbiased conversation with someone. I told him I was scared if I was totally honest with either him or my psychiatrist that I might end up in the hospital. He understood what I was saying, we’ve talked about it before and if every time I had a suicidal thought I went to the hospital than I might as well sell my house and move into a psych ward somewhere. I’m honest with my psychiatrist but not in as many details as with my therapist. There are a few reasons for that, one is I simply don’t see her as often or for as long an appointment. But I also don’t know her as well (see first reason) and I don’t know what her threshold for uncertainty is. Meaning if I told her that I think I’m going to kill myself but that it would take me a few weeks or maybe a month to get ready, I don’t know if she would want to rush and have me put in the hospital, or if she would only do something like that if I said I was going to go home and kill myself that night. I don’t know where she stands on things like that and part of me doesn’t exactly want to know because then I know I would edit what I say to make sure there isn’t a bad outcome. If I don’t edit what I say, whatever happens happens and in theory it would be for my best. I do know the next time I see her I am going to have to be very careful about what I say because I am going to ask her to prescribe me something that would be deadly in an overdose, but if the pills work for me, they could be a very powerful antidepressant. It’s like a double edged sward, i may not be able to get anyone to prescribe me something that could potentially help because it could also potentially kill. Either outcome I think I’d be ok with, but I know I can’t say that.
The thing is that I’ve felt bad for so long it gets very tiring after awhile. I even feel stupid for hanging on so long. It’s like if I’m going to do it anyway, I might as well do it now and get if over with. If I can feel better, I want to, but if I’m not going to than yes, I want to die. It makes perfect sense to me.
The strange thing is that, right now, I’m not even feeling super depressed, it’s more of a logic question for me. Does the good out weigh the bad? Am I content to continue my sub-mediocre life? Do I have the energy or motivation to try and make things better? I think the answer to each of those questions is no. I read earlier this week (granted it was wikiepdia, so consider the source) that I am 30 times more likely to die by suicide because I cut myself. I know I’m more likely because I’ve tried before. Less likely because I’m female. More likely because I live alone. You may see where this is going, it’s a math equation and the answer doesn’t look good.

I know it may sound like I’ve already made my decision, but I haven’t. I’ll say it again, if I can feel better, I want to.
 
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