Love, Limerence, and Loneliness

[AtomicBono]

Okay, I'll make a long story short: I'm in love with the boyfriend of one of my best friends. And it sucks. To make it worse, he's graduating this year (he's a senior, I'm a sophmore). I'm so fucking afraid of losing him, even though I don't really "have" him... at least he's staying in the city. He knows how I feel; I told him about a month ago. The thing is, we both find each other attractive, we're good friends, we've got this connection, and he says he thinks I'm fantastic and he'd go out with me if it wasn't for his girlfriend (he's been dating her for two years). Their relationship is really odd, they're always fighting and insulting each other and they seem to always be on the rocks, but he really loves her, and she loves him too and I hate it. I've been so depressed lately, turning to bad habits to try to feel better... I just don't know what to do. I don't fall for guys easily. I mean, honestly, the guy I fell for before this was my teacher, and I wasn't IN love with him, it was just an infatuation... this is different. I really know this guy and we're close and I swear we'd fit together perfectly and I don't know how I'm ever gonna find anyone else and I'm feeling so desperatley alone. Yeah, I'm only sixteen, but I've never had a serious relationship. In fact, I've never really had any kind of relationship. I want to feel loved. Cliche as it is, more than anything I just want someone to hold me and say he loves me. I'm such a melodramatic romantic... but I can't help it. I'm at a loss. Everything seems pointless. The future looks empty. I'm not getting enjoyment out of things like I used to. I'm just so in love with this guy and I want him to be happy but I wish he could be happy with me...I'm so alone. Am I the only one who feels this lonely...?

 

[For Honor]

hey, i don't know what to write at the moment, but.


You're not alone.

Same here. I've felt that way about someone. And right now, I shoulnd't say anything, because I'm in such a limbo myself.



(edit: okay, I mispelled 'write' with 'right'....... time to slow down...)

 

[beegee]

what's limerence.

 

[Ody]

good question beegee (I had to look it up)

http://www.limerent.com/intro.html

"Limerence" is a term coined by Dorothy Tennov in her 1977 book Love and Limerence. It loosely covers the same ground as the phrase "in love." It also covers the notion of "infatuation" and "crush." Specifically it is the longing to be in a perfect, romantic relationship with another person. It is generally not related to sexual attraction, but rather with the degree to which a limerent person (or just "limerent") percieves another as an ideal mate.

 

[starsgoblue]

Atomic--two thumbs up for such a good word like "limerence".

About your problem, I'd be wary of any guy that says he would be with you but he can't because he's with someone else. Maybe he likes the attention and ego-boost of knowing there are two girls vying for his attention? Even if he did eventually end up dating you--wouldn't you be concerned about his loyalty to you? How could you be sure he wouldn't be carrying on with someone else?

Also, hon...he is dating one of your best friends. Is he worth potentially losing that friendship over? Would you be willing to be labeled as 'that girl that took so-and-so's boyfriend'? I know it's tough and I don't doubt your feelings are genuine but question whether or not this is worth all your agony. In a little while you'll be graduating and heading off to college...high school groups tend to scatter to the wind then. I only have one person that I still talk to from high school---my best friend. You're going to be meeting so much more people soon...don't sell yourself short for someone that seems to be enjoying stringing you along...You're one of my favs here on the board, you deserve a guy that is totally 110% all about YOU.

 

[For Honor]

Limerence..... so that's what it's called.


Yeah, I think I've gotten a case of that once............. (.........).......


But you should always consider what Starsgoblue has to say. There are a lot of people post highschool (I know from good sources), and everyone deserves to be in a relationship with someone that's 110% about the right person (you).


And just rember, that, limerence or not, there are other people who do strive for ideal romantic realtionships in the world...

 

[all_i_want]

i am sorry to break it to you all but...

there is no right person.

its simply about how bareable we find our significant others after a period of time (when effects of infatuation and sex fade out)

thats the way it is

 

[For Honor]

are you still on your "evil" quest?

well, I guess healthy does of cynicism is good.



But you bring up a valid point - it's about bearing with someone.
Essentially, everyone will become unbearable. But if two people make a concious choice to sacrifice for a greater good, or a common goal, and both really want it, then it really is up to them and no one else.

just like anything else, really

 

[beegee]

good question beegee (I had to look it up)

thanks, ody!!

 

[Angela Harlem]

i am sorry to break it to you all but...

there is no right person.

its simply about how bareable we find our significant others after a period of time (when effects of infatuation and sex fade out)

thats the way it is

You know, the rest of the world might need to hear this. You should think about telling as many people as possible. Like a Community Service Announcement.

 

[For Honor]

I think it's more true that *YOU* are the "right" person.


I think people shouldn't worry about being happy via a relationship so much, because almost with a gaurntee, anytime you find happiness outside of yourself, you "loose it", because it's external

but really, the only thing you loose is an illusion, a false happiness.


And really, it's like a drug, because a lot of people react by needing more and more external happiness (illusions) to keep them feeling good.


If you let go of the need to "feel good", then you will be more happy than you've ever known.

why? Because you're natural state is being at peace, belive it or not. And if you're into god and religion, well, doesn't god give you everything you need already?


You don't need to look for it somewhere else.
You really don't

 

[starsgoblue]

i am sorry to break it to you all but...

there is no right person.

its simply about how bareable we find our significant others after a period of time (when effects of infatuation and sex fade out)

thats the way it is

Rather than find someone that you can tolerate and bear.... Isn't it more like finding someone whose quirks and idiosyncracies mesh well with your own?

It's like Robin Williams said in Good Will Hunting, "Well I'll spoil the surprise for you. She's not perfect. You're not perfect either. The question is: Are you perfect for each other?"

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

Rather than find someone that you can tolerate and bear.... Isn't it more like finding someone whose quirks and idiosyncracies mesh well with your own?

It's like Robin Williams said in Good Will Hunting, "Well I'll spoil the surprise for you. She's not perfect. You're not perfect either. The question is: Are you perfect for each other?"

I agree with this 100%.

 

[Maggie1]

You are only sixteen and have your whole life ahead of you. Men will come and go. I would not risk a friendship over some guy who will most likley just use you anyway and move on with his life.
Don't center you world around some guy. Concentrate on who you and what you want to acheive in life. I know those feelings seem very real to you now, but you are too young to be worried and depressed over some man.

 

[For Honor]

those are some good ideas........