Love is tough

[AtomicBono]

Lancemc, I feel ya on the WITS thing. The ending is what really hit home for me - "To every broken heart, to every heart that cries, love left a window in the skies..." I'm just hoping I can find that window that leads to something better, because there are days where I really feel like I just can't even take it. Oh can't you see what love has done, what it's doing to me... the song is perfect because it is bittersweet. There is both joy and sorrow in that line alone.

Anyway, personally I see nothing wrong with fantasizing, though sometimes it can make things worse. It's like your mind taunting you. but you shouldnt embarassed about it or anything because it's perfectly natural. It just sucks when you really, really, really want the person, and in more ways than one. Fantasizing kills me, and not in the ways you'd necessarily think. Just fantasizing about something sweet like being a couple and cuddling while watching a football game or something retarded like that will drive me absolutely mad. that stuff gets to me more than the sexual stuff does.

I know about that feeling too, the feeling that creeps up and tells you that it's never gonna happen. But there's always hope. Maybe it's false hope. Dispair in denial. But what would love be without wishful thinking?

 

[Lancemc]

You raise a good point, Atomic. More often I find myself fantasizing about just being together, and doing cute little things like embracing each other in a cold wind or having those kinds of tiny secrets that only couples have. Those are the thoughts that really kill me.

Ah man, I always find myself writing here at obscene hours of the night. I think this is a record though, 5:30 AM, niiiiiice. At least it's not for a stupid reason. I was actually just hanging out with Kate in her room for the last 4 hours, bullshitting about any random stuff that came to our minds. Man, some times it just hits harder than others, and tonight (this morning really ) was a real punch in the gut. When I was laying in her roommates bed, and she was laying on hers, looking at me over Michelle's desk, I just knew I've never been so in love in my life. Whenever we'd just look into each other's eyes, my heart would jump out 10 degrees. And making her laugh histerically with my absurd sleepwalking stories is just a damn good feeling.

 

[redhotswami]

I saw her on your facebook. She's a doll. You two would be cute together.

 

[Lancemc]

I saw her on your facebook. She's a doll. You two would be cute together.

Eeek. All those photos of me on there are so terrible.

Nice to know you think so though.

 

[Lancemc]

Random insights into her relationship with Jordan:

I remember one conversation I had with her about this guy on our floor who is pretty creepy in a naive way with her. Anyway, one day he said to her something along the lines of "So I heard Jordan's coming here this weekend. When are the two of you getting married? Lol".

Anyway, it's her reaction that I found peculiar. She said something like "Ha. Not that it's any of his business, but I'm definitely not marrying Jordan, but it doesn't give him an excuse to hit on me."

It's that combined with several other things I've picked up that lead me to believe her relationship with him isn't really "serious". I mean, it's 3 years long, and I'm sure they love each other, but it doesn't seem like a real "mature" relationship. And I'm trying to pick these words very carefully to get the feeling across.

I guess the point is, she doesn't see her relationship with him lasting a very long time, let alone forever.

I just thought about this again yesterday when I was sitting around daydreaming, thinking about a romantic way I'd propose to her in a possible future. Last night we watched Goldeneye together (kickass movie, and the best 007 in my humble opinion) and she was laying curled up on my bed in her AU sweatshirt . It's times like those when I'm absolutely sure we'll be together somehow. Those are also the times I've been happiest this year.

 

[redhotswami]

Eeek. All those photos of me on there are so terrible.

my fav is the one of you @ the metro sign

 

[redhotswami]

Random insights into her relationship with Jordan:

I remember one conversation I had with her about this guy on our floor who is pretty creepy in a naive way with her. Anyway, one day he said to her something along the lines of "So I heard Jordan's coming here this weekend. When are the two of you getting married? Lol".

Anyway, it's her reaction that I found peculiar. She said something like "Ha. Not that it's any of his business, but I'm definitely not marrying Jordan, but it doesn't give him an excuse to hit on me."

It's that combined with several other things I've picked up that lead me to believe her relationship with him isn't really "serious". I mean, it's 3 years long, and I'm sure they love each other, but it doesn't seem like a real "mature" relationship. And I'm trying to pick these words very carefully to get the feeling across.

I guess the point is, she doesn't see her relationship with him lasting a very long time, let alone forever.

I just thought about this again yesterday when I was sitting around daydreaming, thinking about a romantic way I'd propose to her in a possible future. Last night we watched Goldeneye together (kickass movie, and the best 007 in my humble opinion) and she was laying curled up on my bed in her AU sweatshirt . It's times like those when I'm absolutely sure we'll be together somehow. Those are also the times I've been happiest this year.

Ya know, maybe it is just me, but I have NEVER understood that about relationships. I mean, why stay in it if you don't see it as serious? I mean, if you wanna consciously go out and have a good bangin time, that's one thing. But if you aren't serious about someone why stay with them for 3 years?

Anyway, still hopin the best for ya! hang in there

BTW, I'm gonna be in the area in Dec...you, me, and Utoo need to plan that DC party!

 

[Lancemc]

my fav is the one of you @ the metro sign

Oh nooo. Damn you Katie LaBarre! You can see where my friends' humor lies.

Ya know, maybe it is just me, but I have NEVER understood that about relationships. I mean, why stay in it if you don't see it as serious? I mean, if you wanna consciously go out and have a good bangin time, that's one thing. But if you aren't serious about someone why stay with them for 3 years?

Anyway, still hopin the best for ya! hang in there

BTW, I'm gonna be in the area in Dec...you, me, and Utoo need to plan that DC party!

Yeah, who knows about that. It gives me a little more hope though when she talks about him like that.

And I'd totally love to do something this December. I go home after the 17th though, so it would have to be before that. We'll see what Utoo says.

 

[LJT]

Ya know, maybe it is just me, but I have NEVER understood that about relationships. I mean, why stay in it if you don't see it as serious? I mean, if you wanna consciously go out and have a good bangin time, that's one thing. But if you aren't serious about someone why stay with them for 3 years?

People remain in relationships for all sorts of reasons, matter of convenience, they are too comfortable with what they have, don't want the stress of breaking up, outside pressures, a host of irrational reasons on top of that as well.

Maybe she doesn't see herself marrying anyone at all? Unless you know otherwise.

Very few early relationships last forever, hers and Jordan's probably won't last long either, so there is always hope

Have you managed to drop any hints yet Lancemc?

 

[Lancemc]

Maybe she doesn't see herself marrying anyone at all? Unless you know otherwise.

I'm pretty sure I know otherwise. She's probably the most ideally romantic girl I've ever known. I can't possibly imagine her never wanting to get married. Her favorite story is about a time in France when some guy put a jacket on her and kisses both her cheeks in front of the Eiffel Tower.

Very few early relationships last forever, hers and Jordan's probably won't last long either, so there is always hope

Have you managed to drop any hints yet Lancemc?

Well, I've been trying as subtley as possible to get the idea across. I can't say I've succeeded in that regard, as I doubt she's thinking "Oh hey, I think Lance has feelings for me.", but who knows what she's thinking. I do feel like we're a little closer than we were say three weeks ago, for better or worse. However, unless I'm just a little delusional (which I very well may be ) I think maybe she does feel something. It's hard to describe, partly because it's such a subtle behavior, but it's sort of like that childhood young love feeling where the boy and girl "like" each other, but don't really know what that means yet.

It leads me to believe, that maybe she subconciously either knows how I feel about her, or herself has some even small feelings for me too.
But I didn't take Psych 101 this semester so who fucking knows.

P.S. Maybe it's worth adding that last night she invited me to the Ben Folds concert tomorrow night. I'm definitely not a fan, but you bet your ass I said I'd love to go.

 

[redhotswami]

OMFG Ben Folds??? Why do I not hear about these awesome concerts in DC until the last minute or after the fact?

 

[Lancemc]

OMFG Ben Folds??? Why do I not hear about these awesome concerts in DC until the last minute or after the fact?

Haha, he's actually playing in my campus athletic arena. I barely have to walk 3 minutes from my room.

 

[redhotswami]

 

[elevation2u]

My boyfriend of 2 years now and I met freshmen year of college and we hung out all the time, he was the first person in my life whom I just connected with right away. It was like 2 weeks after knowing him I already considered him my best friend, which is not like me at all I'm very slow to trust somebody cause I'm painfully shy & quiet in general.

Any who the times we weren't busy with school work or in class we hung out 24/7 the rest of the time. I never ever thought he had any feelings for me, girls were always hitting on him...[who were at least 100 time prettier than me] and just in general he was the most wonderful person I ever met and there was no way he would even consider being with me. Well low and behold he felt the same way about me since the moment we met and it took him months to finally tell me and it was really hard for him I could tell..and I wasn't expecting it since he never gave subtle clues. ( That was exactly 2 years ago ) That was definitely one of the happiest moments in my life and I'm glad he had the courage to tell me because I know I never would have.

I knew from the moment I first met him that this was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The funny thing is before this I was never a romantic kind of person, I never thought I would fall in love or even less that someone would love me back. Life works in mysterious ways, yes it does.

More than a year of our relationship has been long distanced and while it's not always easy, there's a great amount of trust & honesty between us, but mostly we really do love each other. and let's face it love in today's society is greatly underrated, it's been reduced to marathon dating, high school romance, celebrity weddings & lust.

Luckily we both feel the same about our relationship and where its headed and plan to get married when school is done and the time is right.

Sorry there is no point to this story I guess, but for me I always have the mentality that is something is meant to be... then it will be.

So if she has stated before she doesn't plan on marrying this dude, then from a girl's point of view I can tell you she knows this guy is not the one. She's accepted the relationship is doomed. so there's nothing wrong with dropping hints to her, I have a feeling she feels the same about you. My lame advice is wait a couple months maximum, and assuming you still feel the same way about her then just tell her and see what she says or does. Worst case scenario is she says no & the friendship ceases to exist..but I mean do you really expect to be just friends with this person 2 years from now? 5? 10? when she's with another guy? engaged? married?..Probably not, she's great friend you don't want to lose but think about how painful that would be and even worse pretending you're happy for her and not being honest.

 

[Lancemc]

My lame advice is wait a couple months maximum, and assuming you still feel the same way about her then just tell her and see what she says or does. Worst case scenario is she says no & the friendship ceases to exist..but I mean do you really expect to be just friends with this person 2 years from now? 5? 10? when she's with another guy? engaged? married?..Probably not, she's great friend you don't want to lose but think about how painful that would be and even worse pretending you're happy for her and not being honest.

You're probably right. Unless I find someone else I love as much as her or greater, I probably won't be able to ever be truely happy for her as just a friend.

I'm still not sure what I should do one way or the other. I think I'm going to wait until after Winter break, reassess the situation, and then decide there and then if I want to tell her. If I do, then I do, and suffer the consequences. And If I don't, then I'm in for a long painful haul.

The worst case scenario you bring up is still pretty devastating. I really don't want to feel what it's like to completely lose someone like that, but the alternative probably is more painful. I'm sure that I'm going to HAVE to tell her eventually, no question about it. The real question is "when?", and I still need to mull it over a while longer to figure that one out.

But thank you for your story and advice, it most certainly was not useless.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I've been following this thread and I just wanted to say that you are a very sweet guy and she'd be a lucky girl-just do your best to protect your heart. Even if it doesn't work out the way you hope, don't let it change who you are. Of course it will hurt, but you can still be the same. You seem like quite the romantic, and sometimes that's a tough road to hoe if you know what I mean

 

[Lancemc]

Oh my god, you just reminded me of this English teacher from high school. She was a huge woman who used to teach kindergarten, and she was the most suffocatingly nice woman I've ever met. I never had her as a teacher, but she was the advisor for the Newspaper to which I often contributed. Anyway, she used to call me Lance Romance, and it used to bug the hell out of me. But who knew it was so true!

But thank you for the kind words. I'll do my best.

 

[Lancemc]

Ok, tonight was definitely worthy of an update:

So, I went with Kate to the Ben Folds concert as our school, even though I'm not a Ben Folds fan in any capacity. (Actually, I happened to really enjoy the concert. Some songs were better than I expected, and he had this awesome synthesizer that he kept tinkering with in the middle of songs. He also blasted the brown note during the encore and had this woman throw diapers into the audience. It was pretty entertaining.)

So anyway, we're sitting in the arena, waiting for the show to start, and we're just pointing out random people in the crowd as well as watching people trip and fall all over the place (for some reason, somebody thought it was a good idea to lay wooden planks all over the arena floor). So out of the blue, she just leans over and lays her head on my shoulder. It's only for a couple seconds, but it was very touching.

Then, later in the show, when he's playing his song "Kate" which is rediculously coincidental in regards to describing her (a girl named Kate from Chapel Hill NC, who likes to drink wine, etc.), she looks over to me with that deadly smile on her face again. In a somewhat calculated move, I reach around her and give her a good gentle "one-armed sideways hug". And after the show, as we're leaving the arena, she thanks me for coming with her, to which I reply "Any time, I really enjoy it." and give her another "walking side-by-side hug". I'd say her reactions to both were definitely positive.

Then when we got back we laid on her bed together and talked about more random shit again. So overall, I'd say tonight was a solid step in a favorable direction.

 

[Lancemc]

Well, after much deliberation on the subject of Christmas presents and college friends, I decided to give her something for the Holidays. At first, I wasn't going to buy anyone here anything for Christmas (cheap college kid ), and a cool opportunity presented itself today.

When I told Kate about the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert here in January, she flipped shit. Huge fan it seems. So, I already told her I'd get some tickets tomorrow morning, but I also told her they were $70 dollars a piece. She said "Eeek. But that's so awesome!" So I called my parents today and told them about the concert, and how badass it's going to be, and they agreed to buy me a ticket as a nice little Christmas present. And, since I would have ended up paying for just myself anyway, I figured it would be a nice gesture to buy her ticket for her.

I think it will be a great surprise, and I can't wait to tell her. But is it really a good idea? I'm sure it's not too forward or obvious or I don't know what it is exactly. I mean, I can't exactly afford to buy my numerous other friends here stuff, but here I am giving this girl a $70 Chili Peppers ticket for Christmas? Hmm.

 

[redhotswami]

that would certainly win me over. well done!!!

 

[Lancemc]

Thank you. I can be quite the mastermind when the situation calls for it.

 

[AtomicBono]

I think it will be a great surprise, and I can't wait to tell her. But is it really a good idea? I'm sure it's not too forward or obvious or I don't know what it is exactly. I mean, I can't exactly afford to buy my numerous other friends here stuff, but here I am giving this girl a $70 Chili Peppers ticket for Christmas? Hmm.

I know how you feel. I've contemplated buying the guy I like certain expensive things, but then I wouldn't have money to buy my other friends stuff, and it'd look weird, and I'd feel bad if I bought him something a lot more expensive than his girlfriend could

remember, you can't buy love. but music is a good way to someone's heart, so indirectly... I actually bought all my friends (including him) tickets to an Alien Ant Farm concert (one of his favourite bands ever)... tickets were only like $30 or $40 each I think, but I bought like 5.

oh, and I gave him my U2 iPod. I mean, it's an old one, but still. that thing was my soul for over a year. and he's not even a U2 fan... I'm crazy.

Lance, I would totally date you if you bought me Red Hot Chili Peppers tickets It's a good move fo' sho'.

I think you should tell her after winter break or whatever like you were thinking, because how likely is the absolute worst case scenario? It seems like you're very close, so if she's really a good friend, I don't think she would end the friendship even if she didn't feel the same. Of course, if she does reject you, it will hurt like hell and it might be weird, but you're sort of in pain now anyway I'd imagine in some respects... I say it's worth the risk. Then again this is coming from someone who has been unsuccessful but your situation sounds promising. I wish you the best of luck sir.

 

[Lancemc]

Lance, I would totally date you if you bought me Red Hot Chili Peppers tickets It's a good move fo' sho'.

You're crazy like a fox.

I think you should tell her after winter break or whatever like you were thinking, because how likely is the absolute worst case scenario? It seems like you're very close, so if she's really a good friend, I don't think she would end the friendship even if she didn't feel the same. Of course, if she does reject you, it will hurt like hell and it might be weird, but you're sort of in pain now anyway I'd imagine in some respects... I say it's worth the risk. Then again this is coming from someone who has been unsuccessful but your situation sounds promising. I wish you the best of luck sir.

Honestly, I don't think the so-called "absolute worst case scenario" would ever happen. She's not the kind of person to end a friendship...hell, she has trouble telling people she outright hates to leave her alone. You're probably right though, it is worth the risk. And honestly, I've come to expect rejection, so that would be nothing new. And at the same time, maybe I'm afraid party because of if she feels the same way. I've never felt this strongly for anyone before, so it would sort of be a "Oh wow, that's great. Shit. No what?" type of situation. Such a pessimist.

Yeah, I'm definitely going to do it in the next few months though. I'll have plenty of time to think about how on earth I'm going to start that conversation.

 

[Canadiens1131]

The interesting paradox with these types of situations is if she has a small inkling that you have a thing for her now, will that diminish and seem unlikely to her as the months pass and you both continue to hang out as friends?

I've been on both sides of the fence before, not telling a girl for a year in high school and regretting it, and mutually falling for a girl after a few dates.

I have to say you don't really need to blurt out 'I love you and I need to tell you'. The same thing can be accomplished by just being more affectionate around her, by touching her more, brushing against her more, taking her hand when you haven't seen her in a while and you meet up, etc. It's not the easiest thing for a lot of people to do, myself included, but it works.

The reason I'd caution you against just telling her straight one evening is that it'll make it rough on you as you'll be hella nervous as the time approaches. If you can get her to catch on gradually over a week or two it might make it a lot more fun and less nerve-racking!

 

[Lancemc]

I have to say you don't really need to blurt out 'I love you and I need to tell you'. The same thing can be accomplished by just being more affectionate around her, by touching her more, brushing against her more, taking her hand when you haven't seen her in a while and you meet up, etc. It's not the easiest thing for a lot of people to do, myself included, but it works.

The reason I'd caution you against just telling her straight one evening is that it'll make it rough on you as you'll be hella nervous as the time approaches. If you can get her to catch on gradually over a week or two it might make it a lot more fun and less nerve-racking!

Interesting advice Canadiens. I've been doing that in small degrees recently, and have been getting positive reactions. When I "gave" her her Christmas present today (Chili Peppers ticket) at first she tried to tell me it was too much, but I smiled at her and said "No. It's not. Merry Christmas." And she turned bright red with the biggest grin on her face. We were sitting side by side for lunch at the time, and while her roommate was still up getting food she laid her head on my shoulder again for a couple seconds.

I'm not sure exactly what that means, but it's the second time she's done it now, and it's very curious. I haven't seen her do it to anyone else since I've known her, so maybe it's a sign? Maybe. I think I'll give your plan a shot though. It's good timing for it, with the Thanksgiving break only a few days away, so I'll start laying it on a little thick and see if she gets the message.

Thanks again.

 

[VintagePunk]

We were sitting side by side for lunch at the time, and while her roommate was still up getting food she laid her head on my shoulder again for a couple seconds.

...

I'm not sure exactly what that means, but it's the second time she's done it now, and it's very curious. I haven't seen her do it to anyone else since I've known her, so maybe it's a sign? Maybe. I think I'll give your plan a shot though. It's good timing for it, with the Thanksgiving break only a few days away, so I'll start laying it on a little thick and see if she gets the message.

Kinda sounds to me like she might be trying this very thing with you.

 

[Lancemc]

Kinda sounds to me like she might be trying this very thing with you.

Well, I'm not getting my hopes up. I doubt it anyway. I'll just chock it up to her being a nice and affectionate person.

 

[anitram]

The interesting paradox with these types of situations is if she has a small inkling that you have a thing for her now, will that diminish and seem unlikely to her as the months pass and you both continue to hang out as friends?

I think this definitely happens. There is a window of opportunity when you meet somebody and a lot of the time, that person transitions into someone you can't imagine yourself with, physically speaking. As if some sort of line in the sand has been crossed.

 

[redhotswami]

Well, I'm not getting my hopes up. I doubt it anyway. I'll just chock it up to her being a nice and affectionate person.

Do you really doubt it? I mean, maybe it is just me, but those moments you have together, her resting her head on your shoulders, I don't do that with my friends because I'm not interested in them.

I'm just sayin

 

[VintagePunk]

Well, I'm not getting my hopes up. I doubt it anyway. I'll just chock it up to her being a nice and affectionate person.

You said yourself - she's not that affectionate with everyone.

Trust me on this - girls are very aware of signals they're sending out in a male-female friendship, and I highly doubt she'd be doing these things if she wasn't interested.